Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Brotha in the Struggle

For the most part my blog has been about my own journey, you know the on going highs in lows in an east coast brotha's life who just happens to live in Chicago and who is doing his thing both professionally, artistically, sexually, intellectually, and of course emotionally- hence the title of the blog... but today I realized that my blog is not only apart of me but also of others- in specefic a few bloggers who through their own stories have impacted my own-- today I pay homage to one of them--- Unconquerable Soul.....
Mr. Unconquerable is a fellow blogger and is on my daily hit list-- you know the list of blogs you read just about every day.... he is also from Jersey so we have that Jersey bond thing going.. at any rate, this brotha and I though conversations on line and off share some of the same fears, questions, joys, hopes, dreams, ambitions,-- it's weird how someone can be going through the same thing at the same thing and be in two totally different places--
he's post yesterday hit some shyt that I will blog about later on when I get a chance to sit down and really just type out my thoughts... in the meantime I'll leave you guys with this poem I "borrowed" from his blog...

Who Understands Me But Me

They turn the water off, so I live without water,they build walls higher, so I live without treetops,

they paint the windows black, so I live without sunshine,they lock my cage, so I live without going anywhere,

they take each last tear I have, I live without tears,they take my heart and rip it open, I live without heart,

they take my life and crush it, so I live without a future,they say I am beastly and fiendish, so I have no friends,

they stop up each hope, so I have no passage out of hell,they give me pain, so I live with pain,they give me hate,so I live with my hate,they have changed me, and I am not the same man,

they give me no shower, so I live with my smell,they separate me from my brothers, so I live without brothers,who understands me when I say this is beautiful?who understands me when I say I have found other freedoms?

I cannot fly or make something appear in my hand,I cannot make the heavens open or the earth tremble,I can live with myself, and I am amazed at myself, my love, my beauty,I am taken by my failures, astounded by my fears,I am stubborn and childish,in the midst of this wreckage of life they incurred,I practice being myself,and I have found parts of myself never dreamed of by me,they were goaded out from under rocks in my heartwhen the walls were built higher,when the water was turned off and the windows painted black.

I followed these signslike an old tracker and followed the tracks deep into myselffollowed the blood-spotted path,deeper into dangerous regions, and found so many parts of myself,who taught me water is not everything,and gave me new eyes to see through walls,and when they spoke, sunlight came out of their mouths,and I was laughing at me with them,we laughed like children and made pacts to always be loyal,who understands me when I say this is beautiful?

-Jimmy Santiago Baca

Monday, December 26, 2005

This Christmas (Race, Class, Privigele and being Blessed)

This Christmas I slept in for most of the morning- I mean it's not as if I put up a tree or was really in the Christmas spirit. Afterall, my family is JW and I've never put up a tree or unwrapped gifts and wrote list to "Santa Clause"

- At any rate, I recognize that other people have different beliefs and Christmas is normally a very special time for most people and I'm kewl with that-

it's just sometimes Christmas brings the ugly out of our people- I.e the day before Christmas I went to the bank to cash my holiday bonus and boy were the niggahs acting like niggahs, almost hitten a brotha's car- trying to butt in line- and just being plain trifflin'... and this wasn't just my imagination- While walking in the bank I said to myself mind you.. damn are people really shouldn't act like this.. and the lady also coming in the door said I know what you mean-- this began a 20 minute conversation between about 4 of us in line.. one lady talked of how a sista was shopping out of her cart in Marshall Fields... she turned around to get something and the lady took several items out of her cart- she was like excuse but that's my stuff and the lady replied "It ain't got your name on it"-- to which she replied "you wanna know what it's time for me to go home, you can have whatever you want"-- another lady talked of how she was a nurse in a hospital and that alot of people commit suicide around the holidays because of loneliness or because they try to over extend themselves-- and the kicker was a lady who was leaving the bank and saw this young man in line who she knew and she stopped to talk to him, of course encouraging him to go to church only to say but "we will be closed this Sunday and next, make sure to come in a few weeks"... now I am an atheist or agnostic or whatever, but I've never heard of church closing on Christmas and New Years-- I mean I thought people wanted to put the Christ back in Christmas....

Anyway, after leaving the bank, I went to pick up Shorty Rock and we hung out for a minute-- before going to the grocery store to snatch up some stuff to have a lil card party at the crib... @ the grocery store people were acting a fool cutting in line, cursuing, just acting ungratefull, and it's at the line that I handed the cashier a little slip of paper to ring up so I could fee 8 people Christmas dinner, the huzzy didn't ring it up and put it next to her register.. I then looked at her and said "I want to purchase that so I can give to those who don't have".. she replied "well it's nice your fortunate enough to share" with an attitude at that.. I looked back at her and said we all can share I mean you can feed 3 people by donating a dollar.. there were enough of us in there buying liquor....

So, anyway,.....I spent most of my Christmas day as I do most family oriented holidays with Sweetness. Sweetness and I went to her freinds house for Dinner and of course I was the only black person there- although they never treat me that way-- and it wasn't actually until today that I started wondering if I'm the only black person who has ever been in their house-- and I'm not counting the hired help...I mean yesterday I was playing with some of the grandkids.. 5 are all under 1 years old.. and I could tell by the way they were looking at me they had never saw a black person before lets not even think about a black person holding them, palying with them .... rocking them to sleep, etc.

..interesting..

and the strange thing is as gross as it sounds I felt priveleged to be that black person who could hold, touch, play, rock them to sleep.. and as much as I love and get off on the fact that I'm able to do things that other "blacks, gays, men, former hoodlums" can't... there is something very different about a Christmas around blacks and non blacks and to an extent I don't even think it's about race, although I may be wrong... I think more than anything it's about class.. it's about having money and not having money and just like me thinking I may be the only or one of the few blacks welcome in their home.. I refuse to beleive that the circumstance is based on "race" only I think it's based on the fact that people with money and like minded company and although there is a black middle class.. the people I spent the holidays with are very much uppper class..

.... I mean the 4 year old granddaughter was upset because Santa Clause didn't bring her an Ipod... I'm over 25 years old and shyt I don't even have an Ipod.. the funny thing is the grandfather replied to her tantram/request by saying "your 4 years old, you don't even know how to read, why do you need an Ipod".. I thought that was the funniest shyt ever because it's the same thing I could imagine someone black saying... I started to ask the little girl if she knew how to spell Ipod.. but decided I would shut the fuck up and drink another scotch..

.... speaking of scotch.....

the craziest/ enlighted thing happened to me... when being asked what would I like to drink the options were "champagne, scotch, wine, etc.."... So, I stated I would have a scotch.. one of the host then asked me "would you like that "NEAT".... so I was like yes thank you.. in comes my drink.. scotch in a glass with NO ice, NO splash of lime, or water... I was like ok, so this is what "neat" means.

.....well damn you learn something new everyday....

so I tried to drink it what I would call "straight up" (that shyt was putting hair on a brothas chest) but had to opt for asking for some ice.. the host said I thought you said "neat" I said "yes I did, but I was trying to be a big boy.. I think I bettter garnish it, afterall I'm driving.." -- everything was kewl...and I mean shyt, at least I can always practice drinking scotch "neat" at home- so than I'm better next time I'm better prepared.........

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Departing ways/making a choice

In the last few days, I've tried to write what would be my last blog post for the year- maybe for ever under this name.....because so much of my blog expereince has been sharing it with a former friend- a way to keep up with each other's lives.. and I guess now that were not "friends" anymore blogging isn't the same for me- I mean when you start something with someone, you kinda always remember that person when you do it, or you feel the need to censor certain aspects for your own privacy when your no longer "freinds". So, I guess that's why I haven't blogged well in a few months- However, it comes a time in a man's life when he must stand on his own two feet no matter- how, why or who introduced him to a certain aspect of life, if he likes it, enjoys it, and it brings him something positive he must PROCEED--- it's like the first time I kissed a man, or had my heart broken, or laid some pipe or gave up some booty for that matter-- you do it again, and again, and again, because although it may hurt so bad, at some point it feels so goood........ so for my blog peeps I'm back-- it takes a minute but the boy wonder is back in effect and I have so much to say and really don't know if I have enough time.. cause the New Year is fast approaching... and this year isn't just going to be a NEw Year-- it will be a new life.......

Monday, December 05, 2005

Happening in the Holidays

Whassup blog folks.. I've been where-- man, shyt on hiatutus- actually I've been out in about avoiding the cold ass nights in Chicago... so I've been working my ass off, my property will have their first annual holiday party tomorrow night, I will go on in this play that I'm understudying on Friday, I've been learning the lines and going to see the show for over two weeks now- with no pay- because dude fucked the payroll up, but shyt a brotha has a day job so I ain't even got to worry about it- how bout that shyt... but will be getting my holiday spending money next week... got to spend most of it of a gift for my employees and in two weeks they will have their first holiday party at a damn restaurant in not in the office- that shyt should be fun....

Other than that, I mean working like 70 plus hours a week between two jobs is alot, but hey a brotha got to do what he got to do-- I've been chillen with my puppy and getting a lil loving from someone from my past who I wont write about for now-- keep some of my business to myself-- u know do what grown folks do-- and not all grown folks run the mouth ..... so will keep a lil too myself until the mofo pisses me the fuck off... then I will have to VENT....

Monday, November 14, 2005

Breaking my Silence/ Restoring Balance

Ok, It's been a minute since I've blogged and probably with good reason-

Since my last blog entry, I've had alot of time to think about exactly what this blog is about and how much of my self I want or should expose- so, with that being said and I must note that I considered doing a SmilingontheDL and killing myself off, but shyt, I'm still on the island- and as much as other people say it on their blogs- I mean this IS MY fucking blog- so going to say what the fuck I want- lol.....

Within the last month my life has somewhat or what has been going on three weeks, I've had alot of time to think about alot of things- mostly my life, the energy I allow or expand on different people, things, etc- and right now I'm straight on "Operation: Move the Fuck on"- So, that's what it is-

I'm moving on with my life despite the fact that some "freindships" have been disolved, the fact that I was bamboozled and hoodwinked at the Million More Movement (there really was a "gay" or sgl speaker- and here I was talking out the side of my neck) and the fact still remains that my exes choice to fuck one another, so it's actual very simple

-Emotional has to take care of Emotional-

this however doesn't mean that I'm not responsible for my actions or the affects I have on other people- it simply means that I can make choices which are best for me and my place in the world and which revolve around things which I think are important and to the rest of the bullshyt that tries to slide into my world- shyt, go do your thing- I ain't mad atya- shyt I wish u the best- I'm simply just moving on...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

My Weekend at a Glance (Extended)

So, once back at Clay's house.... I jumped in the bed.. where hours later I found myself the only person in the house because everyone had gone to church- (damn I'm some kinda sinner)... I laid there with a heavy heart not knowing how this weekend would end... all I knew is that I needed to get my ass up because my buddy was having company later and I needed to move my shyt....

So, I got up moved all my things out of the "Affected space" and proceed to get my shyt together so I wouldn't be too "offensive", "rude" or as I had been called earlier in the weekend "street"...

So, I got my shyt together tried to make peace with the changes the weekend had brought about and tried to simply embrace the change because it is the only thing permanent in life...

Ok, so I showered, Pooquie, showered and all was ready to go for the event... the event was very mind opening- life altering and unforseen- the way the event went, was presented, and executed was the bomb- the thing that touched me the most was the honesty each brotha shared with the next, regardless if we agreed or disagreed we were in those moments "brothas" struggling to understand each other and each others circumstances and boundraies, it was in those moments that I felt united with each one in a different way- wither it was grace, strength, compassion, or who knows what we were all changed....

My Weekend at a Glance (Part 5 of 5)

So once we reached the district, we all intended on taking naps and then hitting the club, but I was the only one who got up. I quickly showered called my boy, AnothaPoet and headed out to the Mill.... the only problem is that I got lost and didn't reach the Mill until 3am where I discovered my boy Conceited hugging up with not one, but two negreos, one of which I knew from my Bmore days. I walked up to that niggah, agve him a big ass hug and we did what we always do- joke like a muthafucka, so that was kewl---

I finally located AnothaPoet and we gathered his crew to go to the Delta. - it was here that I realized I'm either getting older or DC is just laking the "masculine energy" that used to turn me the fuck on.... As, I stood in the club, totally sober, (remember I didn't make it there till after 4am)- I looked back and saw brothas acting like "sistas" one group of brothas reacting the scene from the Color Purple where Nettie n Celie are joking each other because Mister wants is seeking to marry- for the next 30 minutes, I witnessed more Lil Kim wannabees than I just want to be Ken, or Michael, or Jerome or whomever.... it was here that the disappoint of the weekend laid in, it was here that I turned to Conceited and said "yo I'm ready to go back home"- it was here that I realized I have major issues with "feminine" "effemimiate" "non masculine" brothas--- it was here I realized that I had hurt my freind by my behavior this weekend and there was nothing that could be said or done, the air between us would never be the same, no matter how much I wanted to hold on or remember or just be "safe", just the two of us Raymond & Kyle- this could no longer be- we would now always be distant, touching and communicating but keeping our distance- it was then that I wanted to cry, but refused- it was then that I left the club and found myself in Malcolm X park, searching for the masculine energy DC always exuded.

Once inside Malcolm X park, I saw brotha and yeah the masculine energy was there but not like it was before not like I wanted it to be, - I wanted it to be romance and intrugie and caring not beastial, lustfull longing- I had to go back to my freinds house and digest everything the weekend had brought to me......

My Weekend at a Glance (Part 4 of 5)

After marching to the side of the march with other sgl brothas and sisters I found myself hungry and needed to depart from the reigns of my current state, so my boy (Anotha Poet) and I, walked down the mall to find something to eat.

As we walked down the mall we talked about the our previous endeavor and the challenge that was now presented before me. We admired the beautifull faces of our brothas and sistas as that sat, walked, ate, smile, and slept in the sun- there we found peace- with our people even though, we weren't included (per say). After, grabbing some fries and a drink we headed back towards the stage and ran into some more buddies and decided to chill out and conversate about the march, our place in the march, the ordeal with Keith Boykin, and why Erykah Badu looked high as hell on the stage...lol... I wanted some of whatever she was smoking... well we all agreed to depart, go take naps and meet later to view a documentary that was being shown somewhere in the city.

I headed back to the Batcave and jumped into bed, interrupting the steady thoughts of my freind and another acquantance. As I closed my eyes, I heard chatter all of which started with the world "girl".. After hearing the word for what seemed like the 20th time in 2 minutes, I turned to my freind and said if u say that word one more time, I'm going to lose my mind, (or something of the sort)- I then closed my eyes and was off into lala land... I awoke about 45 minutes to an hour later and we all departed to the documentary and then to grab something to eat, before hitting a party, which I thought was in DC, but ended up being in MD...... this is where the major disconnection occurred.. this is where my ghetto black ass lost my mind and lost contact with my freind.

After driving for what seemed like a 3 day drive, or shyt I might have just been sleepy.. we finally arrived at the party. The host opened the door, and greeted everyone with a hug or kiss when his eyes hit me, he replied, and who is this "thugged trade looking muthafucka" something along those lies of which, pricked my last fucking nerve, also considering the fact that I was perhaps the only "masculine" in the entire party. Here again I heard a lil bit too much, "girl" & "chile" and god who knows what else, so I sat on the coach and went to sleep-

When I woke up, the host obviously had an attitude (I mean shyt I don't blame him, I would have had one too, but shyt I was sleepy).. soon my freind and everyone was ready to go and we jumped back in the car headed to DC, when a fucking deer ran into the rental car...... (good thing I purchased that fucking additional car insurance).....

My Weekend at a Glance (Part 3 of 5)

When I woke up in the morning, I relaized I was supposed to be at the Million More Movement March with Clay and of course he was out the door handling business like my lazy ass should have been but I was laid up with a cutie pie.

So, the first thing I did after realizing I had fucked up was wake up Left after kissing him for like 5 minutes and then showering so I could drop him off, clean up the living room a lil bit before meeting Clay at the march.

So, we head down Florida avenue and I finally get him to his destination before telling the brotha to go back to NYC and tell his girlfriend that it was over because he was moving on to bigger and better things and that he was moving to Chicago....lol... crazy me- that's probably why the brotha ain't called me since.... so anyway.. I park my car after dropping dude off, and walk a few blocks until I see black folks galore walking in the same direction, so I do what I always do- "When in Rome do as the Romans do"-

So, I'm following my people hearing chants like "1, kness up, 2, chest down, 3, head up, 1, 2, 3,4, kness, chest, head". When I finally got closer to the march, I called Clay to find his 20.. and he tells me he's at Freedom Plaza and to walk towards the White House- I'm like kewl.. and I walk towards the crowd when suddenly as far as I can see I see nothing but black people, and amazingly I started crying- I couldn't believe it, but water filled my eyes and I felt like I was losing my balance- yet and still I continued to walk amongst my people to find my friend.

The more I walked the more emotional the march was for me especially after reaching Clay and getting the low down on what happened. So, supposedly, Minister Farakkan extended his hand out to the black gay community and Keith Boykin was supposed to speak on "our" behalf. However, after arriving at the clearance point that morning, he was told he could not speak, so about 50 or so black gay folks stood together at Freedom Plaza to "unite" and march to the march to demand inclusion.

Well, suprisingly, I found myself marhcing with my fellow brothas to the march. As I watched the g pride flag fly above us, and the chants of black, gay, pround.. I relaized how much of a coward I was as well as how courgaeous I was at that moment. I was stuck between embarrassment, disbelief, confusion, and the need to stand up and be heard but with who, among who, and how? How does one stand up?

As I watched my friend, Clay boastfully walk down the street I saw the glimmer in his step, the pride in his cheeks, the sound of his voice, "black, gay, proud", while I could only muster "black, gay" and as I turned to him I said "Pooquie I don't know how pride I am right now"... at that moment something changed or perhaps things had already changed neither one of us realized it- at that moment we were as the weekend would prove were as we had always been "different"- I was a coward walking along the sides of a warrior and he was well "himself" standing up for something he believed in.

His voice and presence gave me the strength to muster a few "black, gay, and prounds" but mostly I could only be seen, complain, and recite were family and that we are.................

My Weekend at a Glance (Part 2 of 5)

So, when I last left off, I was leaving Jersey headed to the great district of Columbia for a weekend filled with enlightnment, intrigue, mad masculine energy and good times with Claystarr and some other friends.

Well, after driving 2 1/2 hours from Jersey, I picked up Claystarr and greeted him with a big ass hug and we were off to two functions. We stopped by one political type rally where a brotha delivered a deep poem and another function which was a movie screening of an upcoming g life series. The weekend was starting off very boogie but that was kewl cause I was going to feed my carnal appetite later in the weekend.

After, leaving both the functions we retired to Clay's house and I opted to go to the Mill and then to the Edge versus taking my ass to bed. Well, at the Mill I ran into a few familiar faces, including that of DarkMon, a brotha I used to date when I lived in Baltimore. Well, he was suprised as hell to see me, especially since we hadn't seen each other for over 4 years. We exchanged #'s and the Mill closed. I then drove down the street to the Edge, still on my carnal voyage to find some hot ass masculine cutie, so I could smile all up in his face.... I paid the $15.00 cover and was incirled by darkness as brothas were bopping their heads among other things into the likes of Biggie and Kanye. I hooked up with my buddy, TeddyBear and cut the rug to a few songs before heading to the bar and spotting my cutie, LeftmyGirlinNYC. Well, Left was checking me out and I was pepping his sexy ass with his sexy smile and light brown, almost light skin ass, with sexy corn rolls- I immediately sensed the instant attraction and every other man in the room disappeared- I had met my conquest- and boy was it a conquest. We danced, kissed (yeah brotha started kissing me and I couldn't help but kiss back).

As I felt the heat from his body to mine, I knew I had to have this brotha- I wanted to take him in my arms and never let go--- Left kept wigging out and being overly cautious, when I instructed him to be still and let me do my thing as I whispered sweet words into his ear and kissed him soft, then hard, then deep- at this moment he blushed and said "man I don't be doing this shyt, my freinds are going to see me, and they know my girl" and I'm like wtf--- but kept kissing him anyway...

After filling each other with so much body contact and kisses we followed the swift air and departed onto the patio to talk and see each other in the light- dude was like "damn u cute" and blah, blah, blah, I was like damn, this is what I miss about the fucking east coast- a brotha with flava.... well we talked a long ass time, before negotiating on our next step- we decided to go back to "my buddy's house" after we dropped his freinds off..... so I call Claystarr and announce and ask permission to bring my cuitepie back to the crib, he says it's kewl and were off to the Batcave...

Once back at the Batcave, we immediately undressed each other and did what we had waited to do all night, hug each other totally nude, while engulfing each other's mouth with saliva...lol... man shyt the brotha could kiss--- so, we hugged, kissed, and I'll keep the rest to myself until the morning.....................

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

My Weekend at a Glance (Part 1 of 5)

Well, I'm back in Chicago after visiting my moms, sisters, grandma, & my mentor, attending the Million More Movement, a g life protest, intruiging conversation with my buddy Claystarr and his freinds (totally took me out of my element), and smiling & laying up with a cutie (who still hasn't called me- ain't that a bitch)


-So where do I start, ok at the beginning-

Well, my long weekend began at Midway airport where I ended up running into another actor and having a very good, freindly, kinda flirty conversation- but shyt I don't even know if the brotha gets down- so anyway, we talked for about 20 minutes before I engulfed my Chinese food and headed for my flight to DC. Once arriving in DC, I immediately went to rent my rental car and make a few quick phone calls before heading off to Jersey to visit my family. I ended up only reaching one person who could escort me to the mall for something to eat, so there I was on my way to the mall where I proceed to buy a pair of jeans but couldn't find anything that fit- I have to buy clothes to fit my thighs not my waist, so once you need anything beyond a 34 in DC's Gap, Aeropostale, Macy's or anything you can just hang it up and advance to the Big & Tall stores because America is now only making clothes for the belimics and anoxerics and it's been a minute since this grown man could fit into a size 32 waist.

So, anyway, I met up with my buddy and we ate and talked before I departed to Jersey to visit my family. So, I took the 3 hour drive in the fucking rain and you know that no matter where your at in America, when it rains people forget how to drive, so I find myself getting into NJ around 12 midnight- stopping by Wawa to pick up a hoagie- they have the best fucking hoagies and macaroni salad and then getting to my moms house where my sister and mom are up waiting for me- and my youngest oldest sister is asleep- well we wake her up and eat hoagies and talk- after that we ( my sisters and myself) go into their room and talk for like 2-21/2 hours, which I keep reminding them that they have school in the morning- but hey it's not every day they see me sooooo---

Well, the alarm goes off at 5:30 and their up getting ready for school and my moms screaming "get up and take your shower", followed by my little sister crying about her "hair doesn't look right" to "your going to make me miss the bus". I just closed my eyes and tried to block out the endless adolescent teenage behavior.

A lil after 12 noon, I finally open my eyes, get up dress, call my grandmother and my friend TT, and discover that my cell phone has been cut off (ain't that a bitch)- so I call up Sprint make a payment, which I discover is going to take 4 hours to hit my account and I won't be able to make any mobile calls until that time- Well, I use my moms home phone and make a few calls to no avail- So, I decide to go visit my mentor at the college and then hopefully see my grandma before I leave-

So, I get to the college, totally surprise him and we sit and talk for a while before he wants to strut me around the college as "one of the big success stories" "Emotionalbrotha was a student of mine a few years back and he's now in Chicago after recieving his Masters degree" and Is it back and watch as all the white folks mouths open wide, like amazing "an educated negro". So, anyway, we talk for the longest catching up on each other's lives and how so many things have changed (the real premise to my weekend and this blog). I look at the time and realize I need to call my grandma and see if I can see her before I depart into the night to venture into the District.

Well, I finally reach her and tell her I'll be over her house in 20 minutes. I give my mentor a big ass hug and depart back into the Small Country to visit my grandma. I get over her house and being the "traditional Southern" woman she is invites me for something to eat, some catfish at that so you know a brotha got his grub on- Well, i talked with my grandma and uncle, who is still living in my grandma's crib for a while and then departed off to DC....

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Clicking my sneakers three times....

In a few hours, I will be back on my own turf, thats right a brotha is coming home to kick it! Although, I haven't packed and didn't get to bed till after 3am last night, man my agendrailne is pumping.

-I'm so excited to be going back home for the weekend.-

I will will be able to see the people I love and hopefully get some good food-
My weekend will be filled with the presence of my family, going to go visit my mom and sisters tonight, followed by breakfast or lunch with two friends or my grandma, then back to jumping on 95 to go chill with the hostess with the mostest Claystarr.
- Clay and I already have a few things set up and I know that this weekend will be full of love and freindship- so the East Coast better watch out cause I'm coming home, right home, this time I will be coming home.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Reunion or 4 Year Difference

This weekend I attended a Birthday party- the ironic thing about this birthday party was that it was the same birthday party I attened 4 years ago. Yep, the one that I initially met Lot at-

Life is so fucking funny man- funny because if it wasn't for laughter than all I would do is cry and this weekend I was there between the two- living between the past and present, what was and what is, and now living in a somewhat better place (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually)

However, I was able to look at the events from the outside- you know it's amazing when you can look at a situation somewhat detached and say to your self damn that's familiar or damn he still running that same as tired game- or damn why am I even concerned about what he's doing and who he's talking to anyway?

Well, the reunion happened- we saw each other, we spoke I gave them a quick (and I mean very quick hug) and then departed my body from theirs like it was nobodys business

- you know made sure I kept my distance-

So the funny thing was it was like all night our eyes would meet and there was some kind of communication going on- I don't really know what kind or anything like that, but it was very much like a familiarity that hopefully noone else sensed but us. But, you know me, I need to move on with my life, so I would simply look away and go get a drink or truthfully avoid his eyes because I know #1 he doesn't want me, #2 I didn't want to tell on myself (very few people know that we ever dated) #3 didn't want to start going back on autopilot with all the feelings, #4, embarrass myself by either giving into this half state that was already initiated from the first moment I saw him-

Ok, moving on.... so majority of the night was spent avoiding Lot's eyes and really just enjoying everyone around me (and not in a carnal sense- this was a birthday party not a sex party), I told that in honor of my boys birthday which was the same day as this party, I would have a forgiving spirit and forgive anyone who was there and not hold any grudges or whatever, start anew
- you know lately I've been working on just beeing "free"-
and I actually have had two experiences of that "freedom" in the last two weeks-

so anyway, all night there were different dudes trying to gain their conquest for the night and damn there was alot of messy shyt going on- I.e. this one dude tried to talk to me and shyt we were getting our flirt on until I found out he was a good freind of someone who I used to dick down on the regular about 8 months ago- and man it's amazing how small the world is and how worlds collide

- how u reunite with brothas you haven't seen in 3, 4, years or brothas u've just met who claim their on the "dl" but then there at a "g life" party and know more people than u know... haha...

so anyone, I ended up having too much to drink and a Kindstranger offered to share his bed with me- well, after much pursuaision I consented to sharing his bed, after making it clear that he and I would not be having intercourse
- after the deal was set-
we exchanged numbers and I began to say good bye to everyone so I could depart to my car and he to his- I try to be discreet as possible with my shyt- so, before departing I found the birthday boy, gave him a big ass hug for inviting me to his birthday party this year and also the one 4 years ago and how I really appreciated his "associationship"-

Being the freindly ass person, I've learned to be, I had to go around the room and say goodbye to my other associaties and ironically on the way out observed Lot exchanging numbers with this dude who came to the party with another buddy of mine Suburb, (Suburb and I went on a few dates about a year ago and I ate his booty, but we never fucked)- So, anyway, thought it was funny that dude was knowing exchanging #'s with Playa playa (AKA Lot) after copblocking all night.

So, I didn't say shyt to either one of them. -I kept hitting the pavement-

Well long and behold, I finally reached the Kindstranger and followed him home to share his bed.
After finally getting to his crib, which he said was 10 minutes from the party, we undressed and hugged, played with dicks for a lil bit and then departed into lalala land cause my ass fell asleep.

Well, when I woke up in the morning with dude all underneath me. I got up to take a piss and was going to get dressed but dude was like yo where u going and nah I want you to stay for a lil while longer- and I was like dude I need to go home and walk my dog, but after a few more hugs my body pursuaded me to stay and watch movies, eat, and talk with Kind.

Well, you know me, I'm always running my mouth a lil too much and revealed a lil something about the situation between me and Lot, but not revealing who Lot was- but long and behold after talking and hugging and watching tv for like 4 more hours it really was time for me to depart and as I was on my way out, dude says to me, your situation reminds me of someone and I'm like really? He's like yeah- and I'm like ok, who? And he says well talk later, and I'm like nah, we can talk now- Who? and he says "they were at the party last night, right? and I'm like yeah and he says Lot, and I'm like whoa, and he says yeah were really good freinds.

-And I'm like ok, lets talk because now I know that I can't pursue anything with Kind because of his relationship with Lot. -

So, I re-enter Kind's crib and we sit down and talk and he said that he knew who I was talking about when I started talking about them and then also that he and Suburb are like best freinds and I'm like man you know we can't like date or anything now- and he's like yeah, I was looking forward to getting to know u, and then he says that he and Lot also dated and I'm like oh, hell nah- but yeah-

and so we talked and of course everything starts coming back and he looks at me and says you still have alot of emotions for dude, hun?
And I'm like yeah but it's gotten alot better- so I explain the situation to Kind, and he's like damn that's deep..and I'm like yeah, and I read to him my poem about the Lot sitution and he's like damn man, maybe u need to tell him how u feel or just animously send him a copy of the poem and I'm like man it wouldn't even make a difference. I'm just focused on me and how to not do what he did to me to anyone else thats why I wouldn't have sex with you last night- and he's like kewl.. you know for what it was it made me a better person, so maybe the expereine changed me for the better, I mean I don't know...

so anyway to make a long story short the reunion ended up being a collission of worlds and just proves how small and how intimate and messy the g life can really be...

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Sometimes something so Sweet Turns Bitter

Friday, I saw a production of Othello with Sweetness. The play was "ok", not really my cup of tea, but the surprise of the evening was Sweetness- Lately she's been getting more and more "needy" and demanding of my time.

I.e. Sweetness was upset because I was 30 minutes late to dinner and we had to rush to eat and then get to the theatre, which is across the street. 1st of all, I told her before we even made plans to meet, that I had to work Friday and that I would be late, now I didn't say I would be 30 minutes late, but shyt- I can't help it if Chicago wants to closs down half the fucking streets for the Lasalle Bank Marathon and then not properly divert trafic.

-I loves Sweetness I really do, but sometimes she works my nerves. -
-and to add insult to injury, let's rewind to Wednesday night-

I'm growing my hair out, so when we went out for dinner and a play on Wednesday, I remarked to her that I was going to grow locks. Well if you could have saw her face after I pointed at a gentlemen who had very groomed locks, you mouth would have hit the floor as mine did- especially after hearing her say" well i like your hair straight" and something along the line of "your not going to have that kind of hair if your going to be around me"

Well, to say the least on one hand my feelings were hurt and on the other I was like you wanna know what I'm grown and shyt if your going to discriminate against me because of my hair style I really don't need to be around your old ass anyway!

-"After all its just hair"-



Wednesday, October 05, 2005

While the Iron is Hot

Man, lately I've been really busy going on dates with people- I mean if I'm not with Sweetness, I've been running around with some man- and just Sunday the craziest thing happened to me- Well Sweetness and I attended a luncheon with some of her freinds, now I'm used to being the only negro at an establishment, I'm not always used to be the youngest and the most talktive and liked- I mean like the conversation on Sunday lasted for enions.. 8 non Afro Americans, all above the age of 60 and one twenty something African American man- that shyt is what I call beautiful- and the funny thing about it, is it natural- not forced or even aware- just hugs and kisses all around the room and of course jokes....

At any rate, back to the crazy thing that happened to me- Sunday, after lunch and bomb ass conversation- Sweetness ask me if I can give another one of her freind's a ride home, because dude lives in my neighborhood- Im like kewl- I mean why not? So, We all get in the car, I turn some Betty Carter on, everyone is enjoying the girl, cause she's bad like that- so, we drop off Sweetness, and then proceed up Lake Shore Drive to Hyde Park- so I ask dude, his address, etc. And you know I know exactly where dude lives, so we pull in the garage and he ask if I would like to come up for a drink, so I'm like what the fuck, after all I've been drinking German beer and Champaigne all afternoon-so, we go up to dudes Condo and he makes me a drik, you know me I'm a grown man, so I have a scotch- he has a martini full to the rim with like 3 olives... so all of a sudden he ask, "do you want so grass" I'm like what? he's like "do you want some grass?" I'm like hell yeah- so I'm sitting here smoking weed with a sixty suttin year old man- that shyt really blew my mind- along with the fact that this man is a widower and now my heart is going out to him and I think he might be my bext "project"-

-You know I think I'm an angel who helps people transition from this world to the next- crazy for an atheist/agnostic right?-

-So anyway back to the men I'm dating/ been meeting- cause yeah it's like I've also been busy going out on dates and shyt like that-

First, I've Been dating and getting some good loving from this one brotha whos visiting from DC and we also get our hug on so you know, I'm souped about that shyt-

Then, I've also, been back dating the Twobrothas who are lovers who want me to be their third wheel- like for real- like married third wheel- saw them the other day after not seeing them in like 8 months, obvious to say them mofos were trying to be shady but still spoiling a brotha- both of them kissed me when they saw me- and were supposed to have dinner with them tonight...

then there's Cutepie, dude I met at a cards party who was there with someone else, who happened to have gotten drunk and was dead sleep at the party and soon as I walked in his eyes met mine and nature kinda just took it's course although my boy said I was wrong for leaving wit dude, I'm like all I did was give him a ride home as I handed him my number and a pentrating smile that made his heart melt-

Lastly, theres SouthsideHomeboy a brotha who hit me up out the blue and we've met and hung out- he's interesting, don't know if he's on my "progressive" level but he's masculine ass hell, works, and is nice, just too damn quiet, and the sweet thing is this brotha done called me 3 times today and sent me like 2-3 text messages- (that's more attention than some relationships have showed a brotha)

Well man, someone must be throwing some steam my way because the iron is hot and damn I've been striking it

Monday, October 03, 2005

Gone but not Forgotten

Yesterday, August Wilson left this world. - Everyone take a moment of silence, dammit, I said stop reading and take a moment of silence-

It is afterall, the mourning and loss of probably the greatest African American playwright and greatest playwright of our generation along, the likes of Arthur Miller, who also left us last year. It's official the man who gave us classic stories telling and re-telling of what most critics call "the African American expereince in America" through the eyes of Troy Maxon, Ma Rainey, King Headley, Boy Willie, Aunt Esther, Citizen Barlowe, Young Blood, Levee, and a sleu of other characters, who affected and infected us with the reminders of sacred blood/ youth/ dreams/ heartache and heartbreak because of this man/ or that woman/ or simply because the color of one's skin-

Yes, it is true, August Wilson is gone but surely not forgotten-

Monday, September 26, 2005

Happy B-Day Claystarr

Yo everyone it's my boy Claystarr's birthday, so go hit his page up and send him B-Day wishes.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

LOVE & FAIRYTALES

My lil sister posted this on her blog- i'm just sharing it wit yall-

Love sucks and fairytales aren't true.

Remember when you were little and you would think, "This is how I'm going to grow up. My prince will come to rescue me and we'll live happily ever after in the hills with seven beautiful children." Well guess what? That's never going to happen.

In real life, hearts get broken, princesses never get resuced, princes never come, families get torn apart, and there are NEVER any happily ever afters. NEVER.Love sucks and fairytales aren't true.

Remember when you were little and you used to dream? You used to dream of being a star and going somewhere in life and no guy was ever going to stop you, no matter how beautiful he was. And then you grew up, and here he comes, that wonderful boy who stole your heart. But he didn't turn out to be the guy you wanted him to be, he didn't turn out to be the prince who was supposed to rescue you. You never got to be that star, you're dreams crashed as soon as he entered your life. And you never looked back because of love. But that love failed, just as the rest had.

Love sucks and fairytales aren't true.

So many love song have been written, for that special someone who barely notices you. Must I spill my heart out in a million different ways to get your attention? Must I scream until I am out of breath, tears running down my face with such anger, hurt, desperation, of a love gone unnoticed? The girls like me never get noticed. The pretty, smart, nice girls who will do anything just for you to notice us. Can't you see? Can't you see just how much I actually yearn for you? It's the nice girls who always finish last. It's the nice girls who always get hurt. Don't give me shit about the nice guys because they do eventually get someone, even if it doesn't last for long. I want something to last...I'm sick of waiting but I'll wait. I'm sick of getting hurt but it always happens. I'm sick of being in love with someone who doesn't care about me half as much as I care about them. I'm sick of crying over you, and thinking about you, and just I'm sick of you. But you're my favorite drug and I can't get enough. I just can't get enough.

Remind me to never fall in love again.

Remind me to never fall in love again.
REMIND ME TO NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.
Love sucks and fairytales are not true.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Beginning of a New Cocoon

Man, I think I'm about to prepare for this Winter's hiberanation and like every year I'm surrounded by emptiness, loenliness that yearns to drive me insane, but like every year I fight it- so anyway, tonight I attended a dinner and play at the Goodman Theatre- rub elbows with the theatre folk, saw alot of directors, actors, producers, and such- and it's always a blessing to be able to attend this events-

Tonight, as always I got my picture taken and when the guy showed me the picture I was like OMG I really look like a niggah- this reaction is basically based on the fact that I'm letting my hair grow out, so I'm not the usual well kept short or bald cut young man anymore- obvously not, because instead of the normal oh your so handsome, tonight i got your beard is so cute- obvously a lil discord about the fuzzy, although picked out mop on the top of my head- Well i cant lie and say the thought of just running home and cutting my hair didn't cross my mind several times tonight= you know it would help me fit in alot better and of course its playing it safe and i always do look fly with a fresh haircut-

Well, anyway tonight i decided that I'm just going to look a lil not ordanirary cute until i can get my hair cornrowed or twisted or something- in the meantime, i'm just going to be a hairy looking cattepillar- and for now that just what it's going to have to be

Monday, September 19, 2005

Babbling

Ok, I'm so distraught right now- I mean I go through this phases of wanting to be pure and shyt, and then I read, see, or enjoy things which are totally the opposite- or simply extremes of each other- For instance, (and I'm not hating) but one of my guilty pleasures is reading the blog sex in the second city- on one hand, it's B-Boy Blues on the other it's pornography and eventhough it one the award for best LGBT black blog award I feel some kind of way that out of all the LGBT blogs, the one that highlights our dirty laundry is the one that "most of us" voted for to represent us-

Now, don't get me wrong cause I read the blog once a week, but deep inside what bothers me is that the blog is representive of what most of the brothas that I've come across think, feel, and how they live- the problem for me is that I just want to meet one brotha fall in love not lust raise a family and call it a day- the problem is so many brothas are so bust sucking dick and getting fucked in the bathhouses and parks and zoos that i mean shyt are they any good men left- and out of those good men left are there any who are NOT hiv+- Obviously I'm still struggle with being hiv/aids phobic like a mug, and i constantly get on myself about it, but shyt got to be honest, I'm not mature enough to handle so I bow it when I'm approached with it- which bring me to the other contradiction- it's like we as brothas say we want people to be honest with us, but then when they are we react in a negative light- that shyt ain't right- you know yesterday i was having a conversation with an acquantance and we were talking about all the brothas who r single and whats not and i was like well man we want it to come in a certain package and if it ain't in that package we don't want to be bothered-

Ie, if you ain't masculine, tall, sexy, nice body wither that means muscular or skinny as fuck, got a big dick some good ass, extrememly good looking i ain't feeling u- shyt man although i do admire a tall, nice looking brotha i want to meet a brotha who catches me from across the room, like i can't take my eyes of u, the type of brotha that makes me blush, the one who can pentrate my inner most crust to hold the gem i hold dear, who can take away the pain, make me new, kiss me like the dew that wets the grass each morning, soft and wet, delicate and free- one who knows how to be gentle but who i can also wrestle with and cuddle with and cook with and love and hug and hold close- i want i seek i wait for someone to make me pure and empty sex isn't giving me anything that i really need or want- until i meet this man- i'm simply laying beside empty casket that decorate the deaths of bodies that were never alive, people who never touched, never sensed the real me, the deep passion within my heart- the pure part of my heart that besides the three somes, and orgies, and dark nightmares, and the dick sucking, and stranger fucking seeks something pure, some chemistry someone who understands me even in my darkest hour, someone who has the power to love me as my fragile self, and helper to strengthen all the wealth that makes me who i am, complicated yet simple- young yet old, expereinced yet naive, bored yet adventous, professional yet ghetto, torn yet put together, hurt yet loved, guarded yet open, tortured yet free- damn can i just be me

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Enough Already

I'm up to my ears in sorrow for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, but shyt enough is enough- I'm tired of seeing the pictures, hearing the stories, and more than anything everybody begging for fucking money- How do I know my money is going to get to the victims- I'm not giving one red fucking cent- Now, I will take my black ass down there and change diapers, give out water, read to kids, help build shyt, or do record keeping, but I will not give my hard earned money to every lil person on the street with a Hurricane Katrina can- that shyt is getting out of hand- I had enough- I've had more than enough- and let me not even get on our president and his dumb ass staff- come the fuck on- it took too fucking long to get the fuck down there- and Condelleza should be ashamed- she's watching Spamalot on Broadway and blacks folks down in MS, New Orleans, and a couple of other states are drowning the fucking death- Spam that bitch with a can of shamealot- because she has totallly disgraced black people and then for her to come out of her mouth and say "race had nothing to do with it" BULL FUCKING shyt--- Impeach all them muthafuckas- and do you really think we will ever know the real number of people who died down there- Nah, Mr. I take full responsibilty is definetely keeping that on the "DL"- I could go on and on and on and on and on with my rage and my sorrow but I'll say enough is enough and calm my lil black ass down...

Forgotten Stranger

For the past week, I've been wondering about a certain indivual that I used to have sex with, (I would say date, but we mainly fucked, would hug here and there, but the person had a girlfriend at the time), when I was in undergrad in Bmore, MD. It all started last week sometime, when I awoke from a deep sleep during a thunder storn- his face was in my face, his body pressed next to mine, I could see every part of him- but I couldn't remember his god damn name to save my life- I begin to sense the taste of his kiss, the feel of his arms, legs, butt, face, hair, smell him from near to far, as if he was laying in the bed next to me- however, there was nothing there but the pilllows- my mind begin to drown with thoughts of this tall, young, sweet "boy", (how course I'm sure and hope he's a grown man by now)

I found myself usurped with thoughts and dormant feelings for this ForgottenStranger- as if in some way, i loved this man- not like being in love with him- but some type of deep affection- I mean after all my mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts- imganiing what he might look like now, where he's at, what is he doing, has he "accepted" or come to terms with his sexuality, and basically was he "ok" and alive-

I pondered possible searching for him, but I wouldn't know the first place to go or even if I located him, what would I say- Wouldn't I look like a big ass psycho having after 5 years of not communicating with this guy- locating him and declaring I just needed to know that you were "ok"- that seems a lil overdramatic, but so is life, and so are alot of the thoughts in my screwed up head-

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Rant

Unfortanetely this morning 2 people had to have their cars towed on a project that I'm working on- Now, on one hand the notice given wasn't a month in advance- However, neither was it less than 48 or even 72 hours. For whatever reason some of us just don't R E A D! I sent out a notice 5 days ago in reference to the project- then just yesterday I sent out a reminder and on Friday had my assistant call all those who are affected by this project- why still did 2 cars have to be removed- well lets say maybe two cars is better than 6 which is the original # of people who were parked this morning when I came in at 7am versus my regular 9am. Why did the 4 people who came down to move their cars only after I called their home #, cell #, & Emergency contacts, as well as having an employee knock on their doors? WHY don't people read? Can someone tell me?

Monday, September 05, 2005

L.I.F.B.F.B.

Life is sometimes a crazy and mysterious thing,
last night, as I slept within a drunken stooper-
In deep sleep I dreamed.
terrorized by secrets and fears which held me to corners of the walls
shattered by the images that overwhelm the goodness inside of me- as I constantly search out the bad and restore it with good- as I remain attached/ embroiled by my innonence and perserving some of it- so perhaps it can't all be tainted- all misused, maybe there will be some for my husband to lay his dreams upon as we lay into the night holding each other so tight that noone can harm us.........................
all the while i shake and trimmer from
Fragments of my youth--- of my innocence
i constantly turn, roll, whimper in my sleep for the lil boy inside me who the man is still chasing around, only now he has the resources to escape- only now does he know he has a bigger brother/father/guardian angel/ spiritual self to help guide him through the dark streets, overcrowded hallways, big bright lights, guns, violence, restless nights and I wake up with the sweating on his behalf, but now we always fight back we always escape- However,
Before the nights laying with men but still being in empty arms...
he never fought back, he would cry and wish that someone would come and help him, save him, for his misery only to find noone ever did- he grew and shielded himself with a new shell, a new self that protected the essence of his core, the innocence/ the longing to be carressed, and sheltered, and loved, inside deeply tucked away so noone could tarnish it--
Last night I had a dream, a dream of being chased, of being tortured of someone putting my family in harm- in for once, I didn't allow the fear to paralyze me, I didn't allow the fear to chase me away, I didn't allow the fear to numb, me I faced the fear...... I know longer allow the fear of my dreams to......... It mat sucuub to my body and make me shake and swirm, it may make me whimper or scream, or mumble in my sleep but I now live with fear but fight it back.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Saturday Night

Well, it's Saturday and there's so much going on in Chi and what am I doing?
I'm sitting at home listening to Nancy Wilson drinking a beer
- ain't that some shyt-

Well, told myself that I wasn't going to overwork this weekend- especially since this is my last holiday weekend until Thanksgiving, although I'm going to go the the Million More March and possible with some SGL brothas

- don't know thinking about it-

I never have been in that situation before and thinking about it makes me a lil nervous but it's more about what people are going to think of me and the fact that people will know that I'm "gay" because I will be walking with the other brothas with the banners--- but don't you think it's so cute when u see the pride parades and there's two masculine brothas walking together hand in hand- (Nancy is singing with my lover beside me- so ironic)

At any rate, on this Saturday night I find myself enjoying the comfort and company of myself and my lil bad ass puppy who decided to try and shyt in my kitchen right after I took him out for a walk

- so you know I had to beat that ass-

Well, i beat his lil ass and then made him go to bed- I let him sit and that damn kennel for like 15 minutes and then let him out and gave him some puppy food mixed with mac n cheese and ground beef for dinner- he needs to pick his weight up- and who would know my lil ass dog would like mac n fucking cheese- and shyt it's made by my mom- she made a big ass pan before she left, I've been eating that shyt for going on a week- nothing like home cooked food-

Well, really aint got much to say- figured I'd blog for tha sake of blogging keeps me off A4A and other sites-- soo....

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Living in Our Last Days

like ole folks been saying for years- were living in our last days- Now, like the comedian on Womens comedy jam thats some fucked up shyt to tell a child, but unfortanately, like the last few hundreds of years- "we living in our last days"

Proof of this is......

the damn hurricanes that done tore New Orleans/Mississippi/ n everywhere else up and down and all around- + a read an article that were going into a 20 year cycle of hurricanes which are going to get worse and worse and worse- and then you know they said that Cali is going to seperate and be its own island- and shyt after that massive sunami who knows when that shyt is going to happen- next thing you know there will be a valcano erupting somewhere or a killer tornado or some more killer waves of shyt just let the sky crack open and call it a day......
At any rate, another crazy thing that done happened
Yesterday I read about some 14 year old boy who was found suffocated and sexually abused in a park- supposedly, he had met a guy off the chatline and then myseteriously he gets found butt naked with one sock on and his cell 2 miles away- what kind of shyt is this? The abuse of gay folks is getting way the fuck out of hand- I mean shyt the boy was 14- and the thing that bothers me is since the coroner said that the cause of death was suffocation did the person fuck him before or after they smothered hsi helpless body? Things that make u want to dig a whole and hid or beat someone with a bat- and shyt is he's killer gay or "straight" and if his killer is gay- what would make u kill a 14 year old boy?

What the fuck is really going on?
So, like I said we living in out last days- actually last night I was thinking about it- like because I don't believe in "god" and i was like maybe i need to- but then at the same time don't want to convince myself to believe in something simply because of fear- and yada yada yada- me going through my typically philoscophic thinking process- so I was thinking I recently saw the Chicago version of Wicked- and at one point Elphaba sings" If something bad is happening to the animals, someones got to tell the Wizard, that's why we have a Wizard" and it hit me insert homos/gay folks in for animals- and If something is happening to the homos/gay folks someones got to tell the Wixard thats why we have a Wizard- well- shyt isn't it? Isn't that why we have a "god"- and just like the people of Oz, well have to learn that the "Wizard" is behind it all-
It couldn't happen here in ....

Thursday, August 25, 2005

On Vacation???

Man, Ole man, ole man- where have I been- I haven't blogged in a month and sundays- lol- look at me sounding all old and shyt-

Well, the Emotionalbrotha has been on a vacation- well not really- wouldn't call it a vacation-

I mean working 50+ hours a week, entertaining your family for 2 going on three weeks, looking and getting looked at like your crazy when you tell you lil sisters, or should I start saying younger sister

- since they both have tits now and the menstrual thing-

god help me, 2 weeks and 3 women have had their "thing" at my house- ohh weee-, but getting back to the tangent, when you tell you younger sisters that can't buy that shirt or that dress because it makes them look too grown-

and the kicker is having your 16 year old sister scream in the middle of the store "at least I don't like it up the butt" to which you reply " I don't like it up the butt, I love it up the butt, and I love giving it up the butt too"- too which your mother turns beat purple and starts praying to Jehovah-

so, imagine this being some kind of vacation- not a vacation at all, but I will need one by the end of next week- and I know I won't be getting it until either the 10th Anniversary of the Million Man March or mid to late December when I will go sit my black ass in the sun and drink a glass of scotch or some Jamaican rum hopefully while sitting next to or at least smiling in some cuties face-

Running Across My Mind...

I just read one of my closest freinds blogs and it was about "love" or some kind of emotion that makes one feel "special"
- I honestly try to avoid that feeling-

as much as I want it- as much as I desire and crave it- I'm so fucking afraid to really love someone again to feeel the way I allow myself to feel only to end up disappointed

- case in point-

a few months ago I met a brotha, TooBusyforYa, he's in his early thirties, kinda light skin, but brown, beautiful smile, odd but nice body, and sweet

- I instantly found myself attracted to him, I mean gut attracted like this brotha is giving me butterflies-

I mean everytime I see him, I get nervous, like I want to touch hold, kiss him, make him mind, but he doesn't respond- I mean he giggles when I talk to him, or rubs his body next to mine when i hug him, he allows me to carress him with gentle kisses on his neck, while I hug him

- but he's too busy for me-

or at least he says- Well over the last week, I've seen this brotha at two different crusing spots, and on both occasions I've always said whassup but been distant- well not the 2nd time, but the first,- I mean I call you- you don't call me back- I call u again and same result- so I'm not dumb I stop callling regardless of the gut feeling, I tell myself

"I'm not that boy"-
(I saw a performance of Wicked last night)

At any rate, so the first time I saw him after out initial meeting, I said whassup man, how u been, u know cordiall shyt and then my stomach starts its rubbling and urning to kiss, touch, feel, carress his body, so I excuse my self and leave the enviroment before my eyes begin to tear-

well the second time (last night), I see him to which affect I shocked, but shyt were both grown and his ain't my niggah- so I'm like whassup- and he gives me this big ass smile- i mix between damn i'm caught again and it's really nice to see u- so, I'm like ok, he's not running yet- but he's acting kinda strange- basically I'm standing there thinking, ok, I get it, you haven't returned my calls, your cordiall with me, but control the length of the conversation- I get it- your not interested in me- it's registering.....registering

- no it's REGISTERED! -

So, I'm like igght man do your thing- and he's like where u going, what u up to, etc. and I look him in his eyes, and I melt

- no I'm melting-

and I feel the tears beginning to form, and I'm like man "I like you- I do, I like you alot-and you know i've called u a few times and u haven't called me back so i get it your not interested"


-total bitch move- lol- but shyt just putting all my feelings out there
warning- warning- heart is on his sleave-
Suprisingly he replies:

"I like u too- i told u that the day we met"-

and I'm like what- he's like yeah-

and I'm like man this really ain't the place for this discussion- come take a walk with me-

Let's take a long walk around the park, after dark-
(I swear I'm buying a new copy of that cd- )
So, anyway, we walk and talk and I get a few hugs and kisses, and of course I really stress the fact that if dude ain't interested just let me know-
and he's like "nah, I think about u alot"
"So, why don't you call me"-
"Well I don't want to start something I can't finish, I'm really busy"
"Your busy"
"Yeah"
"Man people make time for what they wanna make time for, you wanna know what kills me about u?- your so busy but this is the second time this week I've seen u cruising- but your real busy" (smacked that ass right there, come on- be real with me)
"I work 115 hours per pay period"
"Ok, I'm busy too, I work 50+ a week and my family has been here for 2 weeks"
"At any rate- man people make time for what they want to make time for"
To cut to the chase, he promises that he'll call me by Wednesday- I mean damn an entire week right-
-smells like shyt to me-
I'm like kewl- man ain't asking you for shyt- just call and say man I'm Toobusyforya- move the fuck on
he's like nah, were going to hang out- I'm like kewl- kiss him a few more times and he rides off-
I'm standing there like shyt- melting, melting, melting, ok, pull yourself together
note to self.........- pull it together-
-I pull myself together and walk off into the darkness-
I found myself home about 15 minutes later- go to bed, wake up at 7am, and hear the sounds of my mother having a tirade
- I guess I'm on Vacation-

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Weekly Update

Ok, my family is here, my mom is driving me fucking crazy- I'm learning alot about whats been going on for the last two years- my older lil sister had a boyfreind- they broke up a few weeks ago- both of them have Coke bottle figures- When I picked them up at the airport I was like where did all that ass and titties come from- and why the hell u wearing them tight ass jeans??? And boy, do they ahve figures- I'm like hold the hell up- you supposed to be my lil sister- you show up and your now my younger sister- can't say little anymore because ain't nothing lil but their waist-

At any rate, the puppy has been going crazy with all the traffic in the house and todat when I picked him up, he has gained about 2 pounds- he's going to be a big damn dog- and he's already biting, he likes to nibble on my fingers and yesterday he tried to bite my big toe- I was like boy chill out-

to be cont.. don't really have much to say---

Monday, August 08, 2005

Craziness Last Night-

Man, ole man, ole man, I have never experienced anything like ole BigDick from last night- Ok, how do I explain this- ok, lets start at the beginning- Yesterday, I spent alot of time with my new puppy and then houseduties, washing clothes and things- so I'm at the laundry mat and my buddy BigOleFreak calls me- Now, I don't fuck with BigOleFreak like that because well look at his name- However, I do like to watch BigOleFreak Freak, so this negro calls me at like 10:30pm talking about him and ParkDude and BigDick are getting together, and I'm like man it's late I got to work and yada yada yada, and he says what I love to hear- dude is masculine got a Bog Dick and LOVES to get fucked so I'm like kewl- maybe I'll go against the code and do a late sunday night sinning duty- Ok, so I put my clothes in the washer, run to the gas station- vacuum out my car, clean all the junk out and head back to the laundry mat to dry my clothes, I get back put my clothes in the dryer, call BigOleFreak and see what's up- I mean shyt, it's been 1/2 hour- I'm thinking yall should be sucking dicks by now- Well, ain't no body get there yet- I'm like man I'm going to dry and fold my clothes and I got to walk my dog- so I might come over there cause I'm thinking they on some BS---

Well, I finally finish my clothes and call BigOleFreak and noone is there yet- so I tell him call me when everybody is there- so about 10 minutes later he calls and says dude just got there, I'm like kewl, I'm on my way- Now, I'm like this dude better be tight because it's after midnight now- So, I park, go to the door and this cute ass thugged out cat is also waiting for BigOle to open the door- I'm like whassup man, he like whassup- we go up stairs, it's hot as a bitch, I like dude turn on the air and get a brotha a glass of water- and I tell dude to get naked shyt I didn't come over here to socialize at 12:20am, shyt!! Well dude brings me a galllon of water and a glass- and starts taking off BigDick's clothes- man next thing I know this niggah is naked got the Biggest, Fattest dick I ever seen but man he got stockings on- I'm bugging out right like-WTF fuck just happened between walking up the stairs with this thugged out cat and him taking his clothes off- well to say the least hsi dick wasn't the only thing big on him- he's booty hole was wide the fuck open- I'm talking about you could put a soda bottle up shorty's shyt- And I don't fuck with loose ass niggahs- so I tell BigOle to suck dude dick so I can jerk off, so BigOle of Course starts sucking away and he got handle Big's shyt, Big starts begging me to play with his ass and I like niggah hell nah, but I tell BigOle to suck his dick so I can nutt in his face- he starts sucking dude dick harder and harder- well I finally nutt, wash and put my shyt on--- BigOle walks me out- ask me why I didn't let him suck my dick- I'm like man we kewl- but I don't let everyone on my dick like that- I told him he could suck it but I would have to put a rubber on- he's like kewl- inside I'm like no--- especially after you just invited me to met some crazy negro who wore stockings and who u think is the bomb because he has a girlfreind- Well shyt, he must have stole those stockings from his girlfreind- talking about you met him at a straightclub- Well if thats how the guys out of straight clubs are acting- I'm so glad I don't be trying to pick them up out of there- man if that aint some craziness-

I Did It---

Ok, I did it, I drove 2 1/2 hours to go pick out and bring home a new puppy and man he is sooooo cuute! He's all white with one brown ear and man this dog is smart as hell- he has yet to have an accident in the house, he barks when he needs to pee or poop, but he's ass still stays in the kennel all day until I'm sure he's housebroken because he's only 6 weeks old. And like a 6 week old lil puppy he follows me everywhere I go or if I'm sitting and has to be within one foot of me, it's so cute-

Also, decided last night that I won't be dating or seeing anyone- at least they won't be coming to the crib because I don't want my dog to be around too many folks-
What else I got up at 7am this morning took him for a 30 minute walk- he peed but didn't poop- I then took him inside feed his behind, and put him in the crate to get some sleep, while I hit the gym- got a quick like 40 minute work out, showered at the gym, saw this dude with this big ole thang- I was like whoa-- speaking of big things- I have to blog about the Big thing a came across last night- an entirely separate blog is needed for that craziness- Anyway back to my lil man--- so went back to the crib, walked him again, then got dressed and now I'm at the office- I'm going to go home around 2pm to walk him again- anyway blog about it later

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Update

Man, last night went to the Faith Evans concert- I didn't know she was off the chain like that and man her backup singers were blowing like the wind- wrestling like thunder and lightning- that shyt was off the hook, not to mention that I got not 1, not 2,but 3 tickets for like $14.00- Because I go to the venue for the concerts alot- So, got a great price on the tickets- but shyt they got they money at the bar because I was guzzling up Absolut all night especially after that green was giving me cotton mouth- Man I had the nerve to smoke an entire blunt before the concert walking down the street then went in the bathroom and smoked a joint. I was like whoa! And shyt the brothas were scoping last night like crazy or maybe people are always freindly like that-

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Relief,Clearing & Closure

You know there comes a point in a man's life when he decides what kind of man he wants to be- for me that point or one of the points in my life was today. Today, I learned something very scary about myself but also something that know that I know, I can change it, adjust it, I won't say fix it however, because it wasn't wrong in the first place- it was something, a gift or a curse or maybe both- that somewhere along my life had a purpose- had an impact on my life- but today this "weakness" is no longer- this "weakness" is no longer. The weakness I'm speaking of is my failure to stand up for myself/ to fight back/ to defend myself against bad things and bad people/ don't get me wrong theres nothing wrong with loving/ losing/ sacrficing/ or anything else- however there is something wrong with staying in a situation your not happy with/ and u feel like u deserve more- deep inside- at the core the is the question of well why don't i defend/protect myself- and the answer is I was never taught how- however I have accomplish much even without protecting myself- at least conscously/

This all started today, while helping a freind move- today I realized after helping carrying heavy as furniture that I see myself as being weak- that I give up on my apparent strength because I am strong even when I'm emotional I'm strong- today as I spent the floor I asked myself why is it that I'm more comfortable sweeping the floor than carrying a heavy ass dresser down three flights of steps- well the answer is easy no one has ever taught me how to be a man- I am a self created/ self imposed man- and noone- not my mother- not my father- ever taught me to protect myself- to fight against those who take advantage of one's good nature because they sense "the flaw"/"the weakness"- So, I don't blame The Leach for taking advantage of me- and I'm angry with him but more angry at myself because I saw the "warning signs" but ignored them just to feel the sensation of my dick in his body/ the pure ectasy of not knowing where my body ended and his begin- however, the extasy/ the pleasure/ the pain is too deep and I can no longer be a fool- I can no longer lay in bed while the condoms lay on side of the bed unopened for the pure fabrication of illused intimacy-

to be continued... when my flow comes back-

Friday, July 29, 2005

Deletion of a Situation

Ok, day one- take small steps- breathe, look your best, focus on your qualities, think about all you can accomplish today, try to feel inspired- nah feel inspired, enjoy the newness

- damn, I'm free-

Hot, left last night! Whoa- it's so refreshing- I feel like I broke the spell- I'm so happy the Leach is out of my life- that wil the name for Hot- The Leach- because that's what he was- and I loved that negro- i mean i still love him but i love me more- and shyt, like Fantasia says
- if your not happy then your free to go- go ahead and free yourself-

The funny thing is all this time, I kept telling The Leach to free himself when it was me who needed to free myself to reclaim my power and my purpose and my direction in life- I steer my own fucking destiny- Not only that I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders- and I'm inspired to write some poetry- ain't that a bitch- my gift is back-

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Enough is Enough

Man, you know when they say "enough is enough"???

Well I've had enough-

I told Hot that he needed to be out of my house by tonight and Goddammit I mean it! I'm changing my locks this afternoon-

-I'm soooooo proud of myself!-

I mean shyt who wants to take care of a grown ass man- I know I surely don't!

Sowhat my crazyass is single again- but shyt it feels good to be free-

Honestly, I'm a lil scared of being a hoe and all that but I'm more ambitious about doing what I want to do and not letting someone hold me down and making me depressed, anger, or even crazier than I already am-

-so brothas and sistas watch out because I may go anyway the wind blows-

Whoa, it feels so good to finally know that whatever spell he put on me is finally broken- yeah it cost alot emotional, physically, financially and otherwise but when you know better you do better and right now since I know better- I gots to do better-

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

What I Want... Ok, I'm being self Indulgent

What is it about little babies and/or puppies that just make me melt inside- For the past few months, I've been thinking about having a baby or at least getting another dog- I had two dogs lst year but gave them to a buddy because I called myself moving to LA and struggling the other 10,000 actors for a job on the tube-

Well a year after, I'm in Chicago stomping the pavement, pushing 100 actors out the way for the role on the stage, commercial, or occasional movie that comes to town- as well as working a full time 50+ hours a week for almost 45K a year, not enough money for all the stress but shyt it's helping me get closer to that 100K a year mark-

At any rate, I've been browsing blogs and saw two things on Bruthafrees blog that I want- #1 A lil boy who looks like me #2 a puppy- thinking a pit or boxer- I'm going to get a big dog this time- I had two lil cute dogs but want a big dog that I can run with and that type of thing- get off my fat ass and hit the gym- btw Woke up @ 7am this morning, so hopefully by the end of the week, I'll be able to train myself to get up, eat a banana and hit the gym- tired of complaining about my lil pouch- although I love a thick brotha-

So, since I'm not at 100K a year, I guess I'll have to get the puppy because I count afford a child right now- but also looking at the dog thing and thinking about what I learned by having two lil sute puppies is that #1 it's a big fucking responsibilty- the dog will be dependent on me to wash, cloth, feed, walk, talk, and cuddle with him- and the vet bills can be a bit much- but I'm thinking I've recently opened a savings account- maybe I should open another savings account just for the dogs stuff- call it a puppy savings and I won't be able to buy the dog until I save (sacrfice) enough money to afford to buy the dog, doggie stuff (kennel, toys, food, training aids, etc), nuetering (I hate to cut his nutts off but dogs are too hyper with them), ears clipped and all the other good stuff- At the same time I have to keep in mind that I'll have to create and maintain a strict schedule-I think I might just go ahead and join like a dog lovers club that way we can take turns pet sitting- lol How progressively homosexual minded- but shyt at least progressive homo's think about the future...

Monday, July 25, 2005

Clarity and Relationships

Ok, today I had a breakthrough about myself, my sexual oreintation, and my concepts of relationships- especially the one I'm in right now-

Ok, right now I'm sleeping with my ex- (seeing my ex- not going with him, for the record) So, I work 50+ hours a week, and this bum is not working- so today I was thinking about why and how some people say that I treat him mean, talk to him disrespectfully or bad, and that I'm too demanding on him-

Well #1 I expect a man to be a man and in this case I feel like because he is not working, although he does cook and clean my crib- it makes me react as if I'm with a woman and sadly, my being with a woman (soceital roles) means that when I come home the bitch better have my house cleaned and my dinner on the table- Maybe this traditional mentality is the reason that I'm gay and not straight because I would probably drive some woman crazy-

so, the thing is because- at least I'm thinking that because we don't have, or at least because I haven't come across "positive role models or structures building blocks, plan owner manual for being with a man" in this particuliar situation I revert to heterosexual models or learned behavior- (things that make you go hmmmm hun?)

I also think this is one of the reasons that I'm not attracted to feminine or effeminate men- so much of my life is based on the relationship my mother had with my sister's father and the abuse I witnessed growing up and maybe in some pychological way the observance of this behavior reinforced my already predisposition to be attracted to men- that's men who are "men".

The funny thing is that I can maintain or at least create or conceive a relationship with a "masculine man" or a man I deem masculine or one who has what I would define as masculine traits- taking care of family, body type (not particuliar muscular but a grown man's body- also contributes to my no lil dick policy- because I associate a man with having a big dick, not a penis, or cock or lil baby dick) whatelse- so much coming so fast-

So, I pretty much think that alot of my learning models for relationships both heterosexual and homosexual as well as freindships are or have been based on the notions that were presented to me as a child and either my acceptance or rejection of the said notion and in many ways as guards to prevent me from continuing the cycle of domestic abuse.

Things that really make you think and you never know when their going to hit you......

As always, to be continued........................

Not Enough Time in the Day

Ok, I'm at work so overwhelmed with everything I need for my Board Meeting tomorrow night. So much to do not enough time. At any rate, I've been flirting more and more with the idea of going to church or at least getting some kind of religion or spirituality- I've had several offers over the last few weeks to attend Trinity but don't think I'm feeling it- I would prefer a more subtle Buddhist approach to my life- so maybe I'll soon be singing the Tine Turner noh ya rea kah keyoo instead of we fall down but we get up like on Girlfreinds- At any rate, my mind is wrestling, my mother and lil sisters will be here in 3 Tuesdays for their 3 week vacation... I went to the beach yesterday for the first time this Summer- I know Lake Michigan isn't really a beach but shyt, the city says it is so=== I enjoyed hanging out with two close freinds, drinking some Miller Light, splashing some water, playing in the dirt like a kid, peice watching, and oh the bootys were out of this world even the ones who didn't have no business in a bathing suit- and I finished the night off with eating sushi, smoking a joint, and getting my fuck on, of what a way to end the weekend and start the week off right- and damn that ass was good- Although they came before I did, I was like whatever least u got urs and i tore your ass up-

Ah, whatelse, haven't read much lately besdies the Newspaper- these Alderman and women in chicago are putting the hit on this mofos out here- bout to have them admit to slave ties and then hopefully some reparitions for the lovely black folks who have travelled up through Mississippi and all along the down deep South to come up here and be seperated by the Dan Ryan-

Well, got to get back to work I guess- and hope I'm not too sllow behind...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

In need of prayer

Update on "my therapist"
I haven't talked to "my therapist" since I told him I was attracted to him- interesting----- At any rate, $50.00 and one day of therapy has helped me to really uncover a few quick truths that I had been avoiding- dude said that I showed syptm. of having little or no self worth and low self esteem and contributed my sense of feeling lost and alone to the fact that I don't believe in anything or anyone-also said i need to think about how my sexuality plays a part in my self esteem/ self worth/ disbelief in anything and lonely feelings- well-

Lately, I've really been thinking about dropping to my knees and praying- However I don't know what or who to pray to- if you didn't know for the past 8 or 9 years I've gone from Agnostism to atheistism and back- As a child I was exposed to religion, the holy ghost, jesus, jehovah, god & the prophets- however I have little or no faith that anything is before me or after me- I really don't know if a "god" exist and quite frankly if one does why it would care about me-

In reference to my self esteem and self worth i think both are impacted by my sexual orientation in the fact that I haven't found anyone romantically and might never find someone-

I'll finish this post later---

Thursday, July 14, 2005

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:Emotionalbrotha
Birthday:2-11
Birthplace:New Jersey
Current Location:Chicago, IL
Eye Color:Brown
Hair Color:Black
Height:5-10
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:Black
The Shoes You Wore Today:Dress shoes to work-
Your Weakness:things that sound good but aren't
Your Fears:growing old alone, contracting hiv, never finding true love
Your Perfect Pizza:supreme
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:get a raise and book another acting gig
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:LMAO
Thoughts First Waking Up:get the fuck up
Your Best Physical Feature:my smile
Your Bedtime:try for 11:00pm
Your Most Missed Memory:being home with my sisters & my best freind MGB
Pepsi or Coke:whatevers on sale
MacDonalds or Burger King:burger king
Single or Group Dates:who cares
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:homemade tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:depends on the mood
Cappuccino or Coffee:cap
Do you Smoke:weed
Do you Swear:hell yeah
Do you Sing:in the shower
Do you Shower Daily:hell yeah
Have you Been in Love:yep-
Do you want to go to College:been there- got mutiple degrees
Do you want to get Married:if they legalize it
Do you belive in yourself:sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:dont know
Do you think you are Attractive:sometimes- but mostly think i'm ugly
Are you a Health Freak:hell nah
Do you get along with your Parents:sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms:yeah-
Do you play an Instrument:nah- play wit myself alot
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:yep
In the past month have you Smoked:yep
In the past month have you been on Drugs:yep
In the past month have you gone on a Date:no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:i guess
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:nope
Ever been Drunk:yep
Ever been called a Tease:yeah
Ever been Beaten up:yeah
Ever Shoplifted:yeah
How do you want to Die:in my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:free
What country would you most like to Visit:many countries- africa, italy, all over europe
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:brown
Favourite Hair Color:black
Short or Long Hair:dont matter
Height:tall
Weight:portionate
Best Clothing Style:dont matter- diverse
Number of Drugs I have taken:cant be a crack head
Number of CDs I own:dont matter
Number of Piercings:ah 1-3 is kewl
Number of Tattoos:dont matter but none on ur face or neck
Number of things in my Past I Regret:hmmm.. a few

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!