Sunday, July 31, 2005

Relief,Clearing & Closure

You know there comes a point in a man's life when he decides what kind of man he wants to be- for me that point or one of the points in my life was today. Today, I learned something very scary about myself but also something that know that I know, I can change it, adjust it, I won't say fix it however, because it wasn't wrong in the first place- it was something, a gift or a curse or maybe both- that somewhere along my life had a purpose- had an impact on my life- but today this "weakness" is no longer- this "weakness" is no longer. The weakness I'm speaking of is my failure to stand up for myself/ to fight back/ to defend myself against bad things and bad people/ don't get me wrong theres nothing wrong with loving/ losing/ sacrficing/ or anything else- however there is something wrong with staying in a situation your not happy with/ and u feel like u deserve more- deep inside- at the core the is the question of well why don't i defend/protect myself- and the answer is I was never taught how- however I have accomplish much even without protecting myself- at least conscously/

This all started today, while helping a freind move- today I realized after helping carrying heavy as furniture that I see myself as being weak- that I give up on my apparent strength because I am strong even when I'm emotional I'm strong- today as I spent the floor I asked myself why is it that I'm more comfortable sweeping the floor than carrying a heavy ass dresser down three flights of steps- well the answer is easy no one has ever taught me how to be a man- I am a self created/ self imposed man- and noone- not my mother- not my father- ever taught me to protect myself- to fight against those who take advantage of one's good nature because they sense "the flaw"/"the weakness"- So, I don't blame The Leach for taking advantage of me- and I'm angry with him but more angry at myself because I saw the "warning signs" but ignored them just to feel the sensation of my dick in his body/ the pure ectasy of not knowing where my body ended and his begin- however, the extasy/ the pleasure/ the pain is too deep and I can no longer be a fool- I can no longer lay in bed while the condoms lay on side of the bed unopened for the pure fabrication of illused intimacy-

to be continued... when my flow comes back-

Friday, July 29, 2005

Deletion of a Situation

Ok, day one- take small steps- breathe, look your best, focus on your qualities, think about all you can accomplish today, try to feel inspired- nah feel inspired, enjoy the newness

- damn, I'm free-

Hot, left last night! Whoa- it's so refreshing- I feel like I broke the spell- I'm so happy the Leach is out of my life- that wil the name for Hot- The Leach- because that's what he was- and I loved that negro- i mean i still love him but i love me more- and shyt, like Fantasia says
- if your not happy then your free to go- go ahead and free yourself-

The funny thing is all this time, I kept telling The Leach to free himself when it was me who needed to free myself to reclaim my power and my purpose and my direction in life- I steer my own fucking destiny- Not only that I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders- and I'm inspired to write some poetry- ain't that a bitch- my gift is back-

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Enough is Enough

Man, you know when they say "enough is enough"???

Well I've had enough-

I told Hot that he needed to be out of my house by tonight and Goddammit I mean it! I'm changing my locks this afternoon-

-I'm soooooo proud of myself!-

I mean shyt who wants to take care of a grown ass man- I know I surely don't!

Sowhat my crazyass is single again- but shyt it feels good to be free-

Honestly, I'm a lil scared of being a hoe and all that but I'm more ambitious about doing what I want to do and not letting someone hold me down and making me depressed, anger, or even crazier than I already am-

-so brothas and sistas watch out because I may go anyway the wind blows-

Whoa, it feels so good to finally know that whatever spell he put on me is finally broken- yeah it cost alot emotional, physically, financially and otherwise but when you know better you do better and right now since I know better- I gots to do better-

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

What I Want... Ok, I'm being self Indulgent

What is it about little babies and/or puppies that just make me melt inside- For the past few months, I've been thinking about having a baby or at least getting another dog- I had two dogs lst year but gave them to a buddy because I called myself moving to LA and struggling the other 10,000 actors for a job on the tube-

Well a year after, I'm in Chicago stomping the pavement, pushing 100 actors out the way for the role on the stage, commercial, or occasional movie that comes to town- as well as working a full time 50+ hours a week for almost 45K a year, not enough money for all the stress but shyt it's helping me get closer to that 100K a year mark-

At any rate, I've been browsing blogs and saw two things on Bruthafrees blog that I want- #1 A lil boy who looks like me #2 a puppy- thinking a pit or boxer- I'm going to get a big dog this time- I had two lil cute dogs but want a big dog that I can run with and that type of thing- get off my fat ass and hit the gym- btw Woke up @ 7am this morning, so hopefully by the end of the week, I'll be able to train myself to get up, eat a banana and hit the gym- tired of complaining about my lil pouch- although I love a thick brotha-

So, since I'm not at 100K a year, I guess I'll have to get the puppy because I count afford a child right now- but also looking at the dog thing and thinking about what I learned by having two lil sute puppies is that #1 it's a big fucking responsibilty- the dog will be dependent on me to wash, cloth, feed, walk, talk, and cuddle with him- and the vet bills can be a bit much- but I'm thinking I've recently opened a savings account- maybe I should open another savings account just for the dogs stuff- call it a puppy savings and I won't be able to buy the dog until I save (sacrfice) enough money to afford to buy the dog, doggie stuff (kennel, toys, food, training aids, etc), nuetering (I hate to cut his nutts off but dogs are too hyper with them), ears clipped and all the other good stuff- At the same time I have to keep in mind that I'll have to create and maintain a strict schedule-I think I might just go ahead and join like a dog lovers club that way we can take turns pet sitting- lol How progressively homosexual minded- but shyt at least progressive homo's think about the future...

Monday, July 25, 2005

Clarity and Relationships

Ok, today I had a breakthrough about myself, my sexual oreintation, and my concepts of relationships- especially the one I'm in right now-

Ok, right now I'm sleeping with my ex- (seeing my ex- not going with him, for the record) So, I work 50+ hours a week, and this bum is not working- so today I was thinking about why and how some people say that I treat him mean, talk to him disrespectfully or bad, and that I'm too demanding on him-

Well #1 I expect a man to be a man and in this case I feel like because he is not working, although he does cook and clean my crib- it makes me react as if I'm with a woman and sadly, my being with a woman (soceital roles) means that when I come home the bitch better have my house cleaned and my dinner on the table- Maybe this traditional mentality is the reason that I'm gay and not straight because I would probably drive some woman crazy-

so, the thing is because- at least I'm thinking that because we don't have, or at least because I haven't come across "positive role models or structures building blocks, plan owner manual for being with a man" in this particuliar situation I revert to heterosexual models or learned behavior- (things that make you go hmmmm hun?)

I also think this is one of the reasons that I'm not attracted to feminine or effeminate men- so much of my life is based on the relationship my mother had with my sister's father and the abuse I witnessed growing up and maybe in some pychological way the observance of this behavior reinforced my already predisposition to be attracted to men- that's men who are "men".

The funny thing is that I can maintain or at least create or conceive a relationship with a "masculine man" or a man I deem masculine or one who has what I would define as masculine traits- taking care of family, body type (not particuliar muscular but a grown man's body- also contributes to my no lil dick policy- because I associate a man with having a big dick, not a penis, or cock or lil baby dick) whatelse- so much coming so fast-

So, I pretty much think that alot of my learning models for relationships both heterosexual and homosexual as well as freindships are or have been based on the notions that were presented to me as a child and either my acceptance or rejection of the said notion and in many ways as guards to prevent me from continuing the cycle of domestic abuse.

Things that really make you think and you never know when their going to hit you......

As always, to be continued........................

Not Enough Time in the Day

Ok, I'm at work so overwhelmed with everything I need for my Board Meeting tomorrow night. So much to do not enough time. At any rate, I've been flirting more and more with the idea of going to church or at least getting some kind of religion or spirituality- I've had several offers over the last few weeks to attend Trinity but don't think I'm feeling it- I would prefer a more subtle Buddhist approach to my life- so maybe I'll soon be singing the Tine Turner noh ya rea kah keyoo instead of we fall down but we get up like on Girlfreinds- At any rate, my mind is wrestling, my mother and lil sisters will be here in 3 Tuesdays for their 3 week vacation... I went to the beach yesterday for the first time this Summer- I know Lake Michigan isn't really a beach but shyt, the city says it is so=== I enjoyed hanging out with two close freinds, drinking some Miller Light, splashing some water, playing in the dirt like a kid, peice watching, and oh the bootys were out of this world even the ones who didn't have no business in a bathing suit- and I finished the night off with eating sushi, smoking a joint, and getting my fuck on, of what a way to end the weekend and start the week off right- and damn that ass was good- Although they came before I did, I was like whatever least u got urs and i tore your ass up-

Ah, whatelse, haven't read much lately besdies the Newspaper- these Alderman and women in chicago are putting the hit on this mofos out here- bout to have them admit to slave ties and then hopefully some reparitions for the lovely black folks who have travelled up through Mississippi and all along the down deep South to come up here and be seperated by the Dan Ryan-

Well, got to get back to work I guess- and hope I'm not too sllow behind...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

In need of prayer

Update on "my therapist"
I haven't talked to "my therapist" since I told him I was attracted to him- interesting----- At any rate, $50.00 and one day of therapy has helped me to really uncover a few quick truths that I had been avoiding- dude said that I showed syptm. of having little or no self worth and low self esteem and contributed my sense of feeling lost and alone to the fact that I don't believe in anything or anyone-also said i need to think about how my sexuality plays a part in my self esteem/ self worth/ disbelief in anything and lonely feelings- well-

Lately, I've really been thinking about dropping to my knees and praying- However I don't know what or who to pray to- if you didn't know for the past 8 or 9 years I've gone from Agnostism to atheistism and back- As a child I was exposed to religion, the holy ghost, jesus, jehovah, god & the prophets- however I have little or no faith that anything is before me or after me- I really don't know if a "god" exist and quite frankly if one does why it would care about me-

In reference to my self esteem and self worth i think both are impacted by my sexual orientation in the fact that I haven't found anyone romantically and might never find someone-

I'll finish this post later---

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Birthplace:New Jersey
Current Location:Chicago, IL
Eye Color:Brown
Hair Color:Black
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:Black
The Shoes You Wore Today:Dress shoes to work-
Your Weakness:things that sound good but aren't
Your Fears:growing old alone, contracting hiv, never finding true love
Your Perfect Pizza:supreme
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:get a raise and book another acting gig
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:LMAO
Thoughts First Waking Up:get the fuck up
Your Best Physical Feature:my smile
Your Bedtime:try for 11:00pm
Your Most Missed Memory:being home with my sisters & my best freind MGB
Pepsi or Coke:whatevers on sale
MacDonalds or Burger King:burger king
Single or Group Dates:who cares
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:homemade tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:depends on the mood
Cappuccino or Coffee:cap
Do you Smoke:weed
Do you Swear:hell yeah
Do you Sing:in the shower
Do you Shower Daily:hell yeah
Have you Been in Love:yep-
Do you want to go to College:been there- got mutiple degrees
Do you want to get Married:if they legalize it
Do you belive in yourself:sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:dont know
Do you think you are Attractive:sometimes- but mostly think i'm ugly
Are you a Health Freak:hell nah
Do you get along with your Parents:sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms:yeah-
Do you play an Instrument:nah- play wit myself alot
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:yep
In the past month have you Smoked:yep
In the past month have you been on Drugs:yep
In the past month have you gone on a Date:no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:i guess
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:nope
Ever been Drunk:yep
Ever been called a Tease:yeah
Ever been Beaten up:yeah
Ever Shoplifted:yeah
How do you want to Die:in my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:free
What country would you most like to Visit:many countries- africa, italy, all over europe
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:brown
Favourite Hair Color:black
Short or Long Hair:dont matter
Best Clothing Style:dont matter- diverse
Number of Drugs I have taken:cant be a crack head
Number of CDs I own:dont matter
Number of Piercings:ah 1-3 is kewl
Number of Tattoos:dont matter but none on ur face or neck
Number of things in my Past I Regret:hmmm.. a few


Monday, July 11, 2005

Shout Out

Yo, find this dude's blog this morning and had to showcase his shyt because it's tight---- so check it out LaboundPOet and no I don't know dude, but yall know I'm also a poet so...

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Setting Moms Straight

Ok, so my mother calls me this afternoon wanting to know if I cancelled her plane tickets to which I told her
#1 don't you ever in your life call me at 1:30 am with your bs and drama- I don't deserve your abuse and I wont tolerate it- As far as your tickets, as soon as you send me $300 dolores in US currency , I will cancel the damn things-

So, she told me to not cancel them and she changed her mind their coming to Chicago for vacation- Ain't that a bitch-

Well, I made her aware of the rules- If you have issues call a therapist or someone at church don't take them out on me- When I go to your house I obey and respect your rules therefore when you come to my casa- you obey and respect my rules-

she then continued to go into the "my lifestyle" conversation- to which I replied you haven't seen me in two years you don't know shyt about how I live-

And yes, for those wondering I did curse on the phone --- In fact, I told her that I'm a grown god damn man not a child-

At any rate, the conversation today taught me something-
#1 noone has the write to harrass or violate or abuse me
#2 I have the right to say what I want & don't want
#3 It's my responsibilty to protect myself and live my life to the best of my ability
#4 This is my life.. no stress, no fights, whatever the hell MC sings
#5 I've found some self esteem and worth even if to an extent I hate both of my parents
#6 I'm a grown god damn man

Sick of this Shyt...

Ok, last night I was at a party and my cell phone starts ringing and it's my mom- now if it wasn't 1:30 in the morning I would have sent that shyt to voicemail- Well, I pick up and she's starts the conversation with "how much trouble would it be to cancel those tickets"? I just purchased three tickets for them to come visit- so I'm like what the fuck is this about- So, I tell her it's $100 dollars a peice and she tells me to cancel them- so I tell her dumb ass to send me $300 and I'll be happy to cancel them-

then she starts going on a rampage about the fact that I'm not my lil sisters father, I shouldn't do things for them- because I told them that I was going to start sending money home every month- you would think the bitch would be happy- but no-

So, then she's going on and on about me being gay and this and that- and I keep bringing confusion into her Christian life and Jehovah is going to destroy the world and she doesn't want her kids to die when it happens and the fact that their Jehovah Witness and I need to respect that - which means I'm supposed to alter my life when they come and not sleep with men and go to church wityhh them and knock on doors- how bout hell no!!!!!!

So, anyway, she's going on and on and I'm half drunk so, I just hung up on here after telling her that when I come to her house I obey and respect the way she lives and when she comes to mine she has to obey and respect the way I live- Last night, these three things crossed my mind, of course after I wanted to jump into a whole and die---

#1 cutting that bitch off and not speaking to her anymore-
#2 I have to live my life- I'm not going to kill my self over other people's issues-
#3 I'm sick and tired of other people telling me how to live my life- I try to do the best I can with what I have

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Teenage Blogs

Ok, I'm like totally freaked the fuck out- ok, calm down, take two though three deep breaths, relax.... aigght I had a hell of a weekend, but this shyt puts icing on the cake-- why does my lil sister have a blog? Nah, why do both of my lil sisters have blogs???????? I'm sitting here shaking my head like either I'm getting really old or the shock factor is like excrutiating- At any rate, since when do 14 and 16 year old kids, think their "sexy" and write blog entries about their boyfreinds and why both of them curse more than I do in my blog entries- whoa-- what a difference a day makes-