Tuesday, May 31, 2005

My Crazy Weekend- the Recap

Ok, my weekend was crazy as all hell- it started out with a Friday that lasted too long- I intended to leave the office early on Friday only to find that I stayed over an hour late- After, I finally got out of the office, I did some running around, went home & took a nap-

I got up shortly after midnight because I had to meet my homie DR from out of town- (I took a nap because anytime that DR is in town, I know that I wont be getting any Rest or Relaxation) At any rate, I got my ass up a lil after 12, jerked off did the Shyt, shower, shave thing and I was out the door on my way to the infamous Prop House

I got there just a lil after 2 am, quickly found DR and Tallandslender, my homeboy who lives here- and the night began. The night began with the DJ fucking up every thing he played, me being sober as hell (I've refused to make the Prop House rich and still have a horrible time-) DR & Tallandslender acting crazy towards each other and everyone else- (ends up they been fucking- MESSY, Messy, MESSY-LOl), clowning with two of my other boys, and the highlight of the night running into my Ex Lot (we belong together, uh NOT).

The funny thing about Friday night was realizing how much I've grown- clowning wit my boys was fun as hell- mediating between two freinds was tired and when Tallandslender asked me could DR stay at my place I was too thru and wanted to killl both of them- when my Ex looked me and my face with that big ass smile and gave me that big hug I could hear Mariah singing "when you left, I lost a part of me, come back baby please, cause we belong together"- it's funny how in a way he still has a familiar affect on me, whenever I'm in his presence I blush like all hell- the negro actually made my night by inviting me to some BBQ he was having and saying that he's been trying to get in contact with me-- LIes, lies, lies, but hey I did move and it's very likely that he lost my #- but at any rate, seeing him was kewl and feeling that feeling off-- ohhhh was good- but then not squeezing and holding it death was even better so I guess "I'm shaking it off, cause your loving aint the same and you keep on playing games"-

Saturday started off similar to Friday, mediating between two freinds, who I had to give a talk to before we went out for the night- I gave my everybody is single talk- everyone is a free agent- your going home with the dick anyway so chill- At any rate, after giving my lets have a good time and no jealousy is allowed in our space tonight- especially to Tallandslender, who was Mr. Emotional, DR must have some really good dick- because this fool really acting a fool on Friday night- by the end of the night I looked at him and said yo he's a hoe- get over it, not only is he a hoe, he's a BIG hoe-lol- At any rate, we attended a very lavish dinner party, drinks with his perfect female freind, and then the International Leather party, where there was more ass out than I've ever seen in my life-

Now, Saturday was very different than Friday night because I didn't drive- so I got fucked up- I was so fucking drunk and was just mixing shyt just for the hell of it- and after seeing all the variation of bootys shooting thru holster and leather pants, thongs, and all kinds of other things- I needed to be- the highlight of the night was being nosey in some freaks room and just watching and hearing the disgusting grunts and squishes from some fat ass mofo who got his back yaked after the main party- that shyt was TOO FUNNY!!!!!!! Nah, that shyt was a hot mess!!! LOL

Sunday morning I awoke next to my buddy from NY, this brotha is tight as hell, body out of this world, educated, sweet, and got a lil dick- Lord have mercy on his soul- I think that's why he's single- cause the brotha got it going on- Anyway, I awoke, took my ass home after we cuddle for damn a long ass time and went back to sleep smelling like beer, scotch, vodka, and god knows what else- at least no bodily functions because unlike my peeps who went to Dc/PuertoRico/or Miami I didn't have sex this weekend- poor me- Sunday turned out to be a day of running around and then hitting another tired ass club- getting in the crib in the wee hours of the morning and sleeping all day Monday.

Monday was a day of deep sleep and then dinner with Sweetness- then back home and then out to a fundraiser with a freind Fineandcrazy- I got home a lil after 3am and went str8 to sleep cause I had to work today and today is Tuesday- and I am back in affect but now I need a vacation

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Keys to My Heart

Some of this is true and some is BS--

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

My First Night at the Symphony (draft)

Ok, yesterday was one hell of a day. I had a jam packed day of work, an audition scheduled for 6:45, an event to attend with Sweetness @7:15 and then the Symphony. I tried my best to leave work in time, but of course shyt always has to hit the fan before it's time for me to make my departuree. to start at Last night after work, I had my first night at the Symphony. This feat in itself would take me some preparation

I had an audition at 6:45 which I estimated would last 10-15 minutes and still give me time to meet Sweetness around 7:15 for the Reception before the performance.

Sweetness had invited me over a week ago.................................

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Running around like Crazy

Whassup everyone- a brotha has been running around like a chicken that got his head cut off- as always alot of thinking going on, hanging out with Sweetness, everyone think's I'm having an affair with an 85 year old woman- why can't we just be freinds- But, whatever, I love her she loves me- we keep each other from being depressed for our lives-

Ah, my life is pretty much work, work, auditioning, work, work, eating, work, lil bit of sex, work, work, thinking, eating, work... you get the point....

At any rate, wanted to blog real quick send my boy smilingonthedl a shout for his Bloggavversary and tell me homie Clay that I miss him and we going to have to catch the island trip this Summer at some point once I get my building into shape- and hopefully before I start next year's budget or maybe right after we start the muthafucka- before all my hair falls out- just reminded me a brotha is going "back" to his old ways- about to let the hair fro back out and might just might let it nap back the fuck up- which means I'm probably going back into a cocoon- and then will butterfly out again-

I think I slept on the MC Cd because I been rocking it like crazy and anyone who's seen me drive down 53rd street knows I have "we belong together" on repeat...LOL- something about that song fucks me up-- guess somehow lost apart of myself also- trying to get it back- but can't get it back if the person is deceased- will blog about that a little later.. but a brotha is just on this crazy ass journey redefining and living and learning and if anything constantly changing--- Like Effie said in Dreamgirls-- look at me , I AM Channnnngging.... Speaking of hope Beyonce Popeye Eaten ass don't fuck the movie up and whassup with Usher's mom saying he ain't doing the flim- things that make ya go hmmmm-- and who knew Eddie Murphy could sing??

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Culture Points

That damn Phylicia Rashad has done it again- ole girl down got another Tony nomination for her work in Gem of the Ocean- for those who don't go to the theatre- she won last year for Raisin in the Sun- could this year prove to be a repeat? Who know's- but wouldn't hurt to see another Afro-American with a Tony- But, then again we also have James Earl Jones up for a Tony after not gracing Broadway for 20 odd years- and Sir August Wilson nominated for his playwriting skills in Gem of the Ocean and for those who don't read the news- next up for Wilson is Radio Golf, now playing at Yale Rep- so well be seeing that run across America until he can cut and paste the Broadway version together- August is allright-

Ok, moving on I want to go check out the Touring Company of Wicked here in Chicago but everything is sold out except "obstructed view seats" and then they want me to pay 77.50 + a $3.00 surcharge to see half of Elphaba and Galinda- what kind of shyt is that- I might have to wait until the Chicago "sit down" Company takes over and even they want $70 some odd dollars- this IS NOT Broadway folks- shyt I remember sitting in the second row to see Smokey Joe's Cafe on Broadway and the tickest were like $75.00- what the hell is going on-

In my cd player right now-
Man wasted money on Mariah Carey's new cd- although we belong together is TIGHTNESS! The rest is ok- I was expecting more hip hop head Mariah stuff- the chick can sing though

Eric Roberson- check this brotha out- he's from Jersey originally (my home state) and he's shyt is tight if your into Neo Soul- funk- like be honest type of shyt

Frank McComb- brotha is tight- neo soul/ r&b/ tight to drink a glass of wine too

Phyllis Hyman- I loves this chick! I brought her new one between the heartbreak- loves it- loves her- balances a brotha out

John Legend- Mr. Take it Slow- tightness- but getting a lil tired of him by now

Betty Carter- my bitch- this is one bad bitch man- and I mean that it the best way possible- this chick is no joke- the queen of jazz...

I'm due for a few musuem trips- a brotha been slacking on that one-

If you know of anything that a brotha is missing let me know- I'm trying to get my culture on-

Monday, May 09, 2005

Random Thoughts

Ok, I think I'm falling n love with my Ex or is it lust- I don't know- all I know is that when we make love it's like the most intoxicating feeling I've ever felt- I don't know where he begins and I end- I know I dog the brotha out alot on my blog but shyt I mean at 36 I would expect him to have a J O B by now and be a little more progressive-

which brings me to my next thought- how much of my life is shaped around what I think I should be doing- or who I should be by now (or at this point) in my life VERSUS me just being me- At any rate, last night as I was holding this brotha thinking/ feeling like i was going to melt and I haven't allowed myself to feel that since LOT- and that in itself is a trip

- but I'm working on leaving the I want you but I can't have you guys alone- I'm also attempting to stop being a "hoe" but then it's like well a niggah going to be a niggah and I am a niggah- well at least some of the time-

Ok, my mind is racing- I'm telling myself to either calm down or type faster- I don't know which one would help- all i know is i'm trying to gain some understanding of how much of my reality is real and how much is some fucked up illusion in my head- chained by my own captivity because i'm trying to be something that i'm not- or someone who i'm not meant to be- i really don't know which one- i just know i can't take the violence or the pain- sometimes i just wanna be safe and lay up in your arms and feel like this is all that matters right now
but then again this never happens
and i cuddle with the air between your body and mind
because were not touching
cause u can't even say please and thank you
and shyt i think i'm falling in love wit u
but your not who and what i thought i would be with
i always saw myself with the brotha who had a good ass paying job and could take me out
and wine and dine me
dance underneath the stairs
kiss in moonlight
and sleep the night through knowing that i would wake up with you in peace
in sunlight/ mooonlight. stars. sky. u me. making a family
this is my dream man
i just want to take u in my arms/ hold u close. fuck u deep. never let u go
and know that now i can sleep without thoughts
of the gun to my head. the knife to my wrist
the dark dreams of jumping from here to heroshima and knowing that u would walk to the ends of the earth just to be with me
and not torture me with bloodstains or rainy days or being away from u
and tellng the truth even when it hurts but knowing the truth
sets us free
unshakles me from the master's misery
and allows me to devour u within myself and always keep making/building/creating something new
always transitioning/transforming/ myself into a new man because i have to keep growing
cause i want to love u/ make u happy/ make u brand new to me n me to u
let me love u/ can i love u/ let me love u man- let me love u

don't know where all that came from but my fingers just took off with it- and typed out my tragic thoughts like i am the tragic homosexual not the tragic mulatto- and shyt not trying to be tragic at all but knowing that some fucked up shyt done happened to me- and i aint the victim i'm a survivor- cause all the victims are dead/ silenced/and refuse to testify

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Craziness or someone has a twin

Ok, I'm tripping right now because I just logged on A4A to be nosey and I see this dude who I went to school with- and I'm like hold the fuck up cause this cat was wit a white girl in school- and the other day I found out that the chick he was dating was Omish so they weren't having sex anyway- well from what I remember all the booty grabbing and kissing that the two of those did when I saw them beat the hell out of me that he wasn't getting any booty- or maybe he was too busy given up booty-- LOL- At any rate, either someone is trying to exploit that brotha or he done came out the closet- cause he got not one but 2 pics on A4A- things that make u go hmmmmm-- So, you know I sent a note to the brotha- but nothing "scary" or like niggah i see u- i sent a simple note that said either u done came out the closet or someone is using ur pic- at any rate be safe on here- Now, this is the scary thing there's another dude that be on A4A that i went to school wit too- but I knew about his closeted/"dl" ass- I mean who comes over to your crib to get their grub on has two beers and THEN all of a sudden wants to suck your dick- LOL--

Well, I think new boy bettta watch out for ole boy cause unlike me he might run that brotha's business-

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Streamed conscious

What is it about black folks that makes us want to be everything that we are not? I don't get it- we wish to have blue/green eyes and be the most thugged out/ the "fiercest" indivuals on the planet- I don't understand why we simply can't embrace who and what we are- this has been my underlying thoughts over the past few weeks- disgust, embarrassment, fear, rejection, medicosricy, disappointment, and a gush of purging constipated thoughts- the feelings are overwhelming thrusting from my body diarrheally- rage feels my body as i overheat on the verge of venting about some other fucked up indivual who has murdered/ scalped/ diasppointed his mother/lover/ boyfreind/sister/ brother and has decided to make the world pay for it-

i ignore my own pain by ordering two double cheese burgers and a large fry and watch as the weight aligns fat between my stomach and thighs
i constantly tell myself that i'm just hungry but deep down inside i'm protecting myself
avoiding anyone who sees any worth in my flesh
because i simply can't be of value to someone
i'm too stubourn- too ghettoized, too bougie, too scared to really reveal my true thoughts and feelings because the depth of them could cause my own death
the pain i feel as i think about it
it being everything or that scary ass clown that haunted me as a child
the many times i've wanted to kiss his lips but never did
lost in an abyss of feeling and space and the dislocation between my pelvis and my feet
the rage that traps in my groin and i only shake when i make love to him
and although i feel terrible
i stop myself from having sex with anyone else
because my body is under his command
from the minute i insert it until i burst with my sex juice sliding through his body
down his ass
as i hold him in my arms and pray to the universe that he never leaves me
and i get so upset that he cruises the internet looking for other guys
cause for whatever reason for a minute i thought i was enough
but as he stares at my naked body as i exist the shower or pulls on my dick when he makes lust to me
i understand without understanding that this man just doesn't love me
and there are others who pretend that they are capable but i'm unable to see the burden of truth
and i stand alone/ unsheltered splattered by piss and rain as
men come across and piss on me like i'm so kinda tree
or decapate my body and slide my bones into reclyclable bags to be shaped into another toy for another man to have his way with me and then pass me on
or to give me to his girlfreind as a homeboy or a freind who is just kewl as hell but not kewl enough to be your lover
just good enough to suck your dick
and then u try to fuck me/ and i don't let u insert my body/ but u've already fucked me
because i shed tears when i'm in your absence
when i don't think about u
i'm enslaved like a spider to his web
or a groom to his bride
till night falls and the demons take me to the riverside to allow some other man
to play with what i keep telling myself is yours
and then i constant remind myself that i am noones
because i am nothing
a void/ an illusion of feeling
of not knowing anything about my own worth and therefore can never belong to someone else
a loose commity to be shared amongst the gang and be eaten like sweet strawberries or shrimp and burgers at a family bbq
the beer fills my guts and then i'm drenched like the pig i am in sweet/ dirt mud/ cum/ blood/ spit
all over me/ in me/ near me
cause i am nothing
black/poor/gay/straight.bi/ man/ boy/ child/ grown up/
living with the awful pain of having no identity searching the world like oedipus to slay his father sleep with his mother and stand on a chair all night
while his brother was fucking his mother
and his aunite was smoking a joint
and introduce to god/ his savior/ only to already be living in hell/ damanation/
slept in the a half felt life in limbo between wanting and beleiving and having and knowing that nothing would ever come of it
but holding on to hope and braveryism and knowing that one day freedom would be his
but not knowing how to be free
because the chains of his own slavery lept whelps across his back and bunns
and only his fat dick brought the men into his life
only to taste the rainbow and run away because the betrayal that his eyes lead mistaketh no man who he really was
a liar/ a traitor/ a slave to sex
sex toys. sex shops. sex drops. i hope i dont die. from sex
and slowing down only to breath as i splash my dick into your mouth to watch u play wit ur dick
as u suck me long hard/ wet/ soft/ kisses/ and worshipping me like i'm your jehovah
and i'm satan/ lucifer/ stuck between heaven and hell/ and on the verge of living lavish and sucking dick and getting dicked down bu society rules and obligations and the unability to live my life
because you got to pay taxes and be a good little boy
or the big black man will spank with his dick and knock you down
take off your clothes destroy your sacrum and tell everyone you wanted it
and then do the same thing to all your freinds
and they better not tell/ they better all be quiet
or u'll get it and they'll get it and your big black mama will get it too
cause you dont have blue eyes little nigger boy
dirty ass nigger boy with them peircing eyes
kick his ass/ lock him up for murder/ rape/ kicking and screaming and crying and kissing a little boy
lock him up and never let him out the cage that is his mind cause that little black muthafucka is too much
and u said it wouldn't hurt when i gave u all of me and ate a peach and waited for you to return
and you never did
you left me scolded/ bleeding from the ass/ with no place to call home/ and wonder why i'm bitter
why i would rather shoot up the club and kill every part of my gay self but can only shoot my feelings on paper with words that scold like hot water
on my burnt flesh as you rummage through my body like a graveyard finding no treasure and retreating calling me worthless but coming back after kissing me soft and close and hard and salty and tasting your cum/ living with your cum inside of me/ hoping it won't be my doom/ and livng afraid and scared and wanting to dig a whole and jump inside to live or living in a shoe so noone can really see me- just step inside of me and put me up/ polish me once in a while/ and then put me back in the closet or shoe rack/ or maybe then i'd be back in goodwill given to another with foot fungus or athletes foot or corns or callous or worse
and there i'd lay in the depths of disgust/ ordor/ disorder/ and smushed like a blue berry