Monday, May 09, 2005

Random Thoughts

Ok, I think I'm falling n love with my Ex or is it lust- I don't know- all I know is that when we make love it's like the most intoxicating feeling I've ever felt- I don't know where he begins and I end- I know I dog the brotha out alot on my blog but shyt I mean at 36 I would expect him to have a J O B by now and be a little more progressive-

which brings me to my next thought- how much of my life is shaped around what I think I should be doing- or who I should be by now (or at this point) in my life VERSUS me just being me- At any rate, last night as I was holding this brotha thinking/ feeling like i was going to melt and I haven't allowed myself to feel that since LOT- and that in itself is a trip

- but I'm working on leaving the I want you but I can't have you guys alone- I'm also attempting to stop being a "hoe" but then it's like well a niggah going to be a niggah and I am a niggah- well at least some of the time-

Ok, my mind is racing- I'm telling myself to either calm down or type faster- I don't know which one would help- all i know is i'm trying to gain some understanding of how much of my reality is real and how much is some fucked up illusion in my head- chained by my own captivity because i'm trying to be something that i'm not- or someone who i'm not meant to be- i really don't know which one- i just know i can't take the violence or the pain- sometimes i just wanna be safe and lay up in your arms and feel like this is all that matters right now
but then again this never happens
and i cuddle with the air between your body and mind
because were not touching
cause u can't even say please and thank you
and shyt i think i'm falling in love wit u
but your not who and what i thought i would be with
i always saw myself with the brotha who had a good ass paying job and could take me out
and wine and dine me
dance underneath the stairs
kiss in moonlight
and sleep the night through knowing that i would wake up with you in peace
in sunlight/ mooonlight. stars. sky. u me. making a family
this is my dream man
i just want to take u in my arms/ hold u close. fuck u deep. never let u go
and know that now i can sleep without thoughts
of the gun to my head. the knife to my wrist
the dark dreams of jumping from here to heroshima and knowing that u would walk to the ends of the earth just to be with me
and not torture me with bloodstains or rainy days or being away from u
and tellng the truth even when it hurts but knowing the truth
sets us free
unshakles me from the master's misery
and allows me to devour u within myself and always keep making/building/creating something new
always transitioning/transforming/ myself into a new man because i have to keep growing
cause i want to love u/ make u happy/ make u brand new to me n me to u
let me love u/ can i love u/ let me love u man- let me love u

don't know where all that came from but my fingers just took off with it- and typed out my tragic thoughts like i am the tragic homosexual not the tragic mulatto- and shyt not trying to be tragic at all but knowing that some fucked up shyt done happened to me- and i aint the victim i'm a survivor- cause all the victims are dead/ silenced/and refuse to testify


SmilingOnThaDL said...

I often have this problem with a constant debate with most things good in my life... thinking am I'm settling or is this what's life has dealt for me.. all i can say is go with your heart if you can envision yourself feeling the same way as time goes by.

one of these days.. i'm going to steal some of your spoken word and before if as mind, LOL! and go get Mariah

Anonymous said...

And you know what? You simply cannot stop loving what you once loved. It's not a matter of time or distance. It's just a matter of what you decide to live with.
I understand you, I always fall in love with my Exs from time to time. But once I realice that love is different every time. The more I love different people, the more Love transforms his shape in me.
That's how I discovered the truth.
Someone told me that every ritual prepares your heart to the real thing.
The problem is to identify the real thing when it appears. Sometimes, it's already there, in front of you, waiting for you to take out the curtains and SEE.
Good luck brotha'