Monday, February 28, 2005

Weekend Recap

Friday: Ah, got out my bed at 5:30 am to pick my buddy up from the airport- that negro better not EVER say i don't love his behind. I actually woke up late, so didn't even bother to brush my teeth or nuttin- So, there I was with funky breath and sleep in my eyes waiting for him to gather his luggage and meet me outside before I got a ticket or harrasssed by the O'Hare airport police. So, he finally gets his behind outside with a big ass suitcase and two bags, I'm like negro are you moving in or visiting for two days? He's like whatever- I'm like "how homosexual"- So, anyway, I decide to not give him a hard time and just give him a really big hug! Realized how much I missed him and the fact that I haven't seen him for almost two years, although we talk very frequently. So, here we are- on our way back to my place, driving down 90/94 and you know this negro has the nerve to want a quick tour, so I'm like ok, whatever, I'll show you and tell you about the things we pass on our way to the crib and of course we start our first deep conversation of which will become many for the weekend. Highlight of my day: Watching my buddy flirt with peeps @ CE

Saturday: Slept late, went into the office for a few hours. My buddy from San Deigo wanted to check out this seafood restaurant so we went down to Catch35. Very high end seafood place in the Chi-town. Ah, we got there at 4 o'clock, they don't serve dinner until 5, so we made a reservation and went over to Marshall Fields to see if they had anything on sale. I'm such a cheap ass- I won't buy anything out of Marshall Feilds unless its on sale. So, anyway, I located my personal shopper- who I learned just days before put all my stuff back out- so, I'm like wtf. But, anyway, so he quickly located a few shirts and pants that I can try on and advise him of what he needs to hold for me, until it goes on sale. So, he brings me like 10-15 different shirts and things to try on, and I'm like don't like this, don't like this, don't like this.... he's getting frustrated- but I'm like stop trying to dress me like some skinny negro- cause I ain't. Well, I'm in the dressing room and my 85 year old freind Sweetness calls; I forgot I was supposed to have lunch with her today. So, I invite her to join me and my buddy from San Deigo to Catch 35. So, she takes a cab down and joins us for dinner. It was kewl, food was very good, we all had dessert, which is rare for Sweetness. We finished the evening with a big hug and then my buddy and I headed to the theatre.

Sunday: Got up early cause had to take my buddy to the airport- He's going to have to chill out with these Red Eye flights. Ah, walked on the lake for a lil bit and then took my behind back home and slept for a few hours. Got up went to the theatre, was a good performance. Ah, came back home, cutiepie called me on my way home, I let him go to voicemail. Got home, returned his call, we decided to meet in ten minutes; I quickly showered, making sure I smelled good for the brotha, and threw on some jogging pants and a tang top. As I finsihed dressing, I saw him walking up from the Courtyard, hit the buzzer giving him access to the building and put the last dab of cologne on. We greeted each other with a hug. Sat down and talked.I'll blog about the convo later- that convo needs a blog to it self.. but i will say this, we departed with a he kisses good...ok, anyway, changed my clothes and headed to an Oscar party. Highlight of the day: Kissing cutiepie.

And today is Monday: I'm looking forward to a good week.

Thoughts of Cutiepie

So, yesterday I had "the talk" with Cutiepie. Notice, his name is now in anyway, so I was kinda nervous and his kisses still feel so damn good! It took me like 25 minutes to kiss him cause I wanted to listen to what he had to say and say what I needed to say before I started kissing all up on him and getting into my feelings. So, I've kinda readjusted to where his at and what's going on with him right now. In short, he likes me- is not looking for a relationship right now- but likes talking to me, etc. I'm like ok kewl. I can respect that-

I mean, I'm not looking for a relationship either, I'm waiting on one, but I ain't looking... so, I'm kewl. I'm still flooded with all kinds of feelings about this dude though.. and last night I read him the poem/thoughts i posted a few days ago- he was like damn all that from one night- i told him all that from one moment- it's a shame how he got me open like this- but it's kewl cause i'm allowing myself to feel my way through this expereince- I've realized that in the past I've played it safe/ & didn't truly honor my feelings and in alot of ways it contributed to "someone fucking me up" or what I now realize is that I was fucking my own self up or what some people would say I was "protecting myself".

Well right now, I've decided not to protect myself- I just wanna feel- and whatever feelings come through- it is what it is----- So, last night i took the first step- I simply told dude, I just wanna spend some time with you- I had the nerve to tell him the truth I just wanna be around you man- if it's 5 minutes, 10 minutes, just walking your dogs with you- I just wanna be around you- spend some time with you--get to know you-i just wanna be around you-and I do, I just want to be around this brotha.

Song of the Day

Talking to myself and feeling old
Sometimes I’d like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin’ around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down
What I’ve got they used to call the blues
Nothing is really wrong
Feeling like I don’t belong
Walking around some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down
Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
It’s nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it’s the only thing to do
To run and find the one who loves me(*) what I feel is come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it’s all about
Hanging around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down
Funny but it seems that it’s the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me
Repeat (*)
Hangin around, nothing do to but frown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down

Friday, February 25, 2005

Musical Song of the Day

Ok, in a funny mood today, so starting to have a Musical song of the day- Today's song is from Fame, the movie- "OUT HERE ON MY OWN"

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone, Out here on my own
We're always provin' who we are

Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far And shine me home
Out here on my own
When I'm down and feelin' blue

I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me Baby, belong to me
Help me through Help me need you
Until the morning sun appears

Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I've never shown
Out here on my own
When I'm down and feelin' blue

I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me Baby, belong to me
Help me through Help me need you
Sometimes I wonder where I've been

Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

What's Love Got to Do With it?

Well, cutie pie didn't call me back last night and I haven't seen him since we kissed. To say the least my feelings are hurt and I'm like wide open. But, I'm kewl. Dealing with it, learning to accept it- you would think that one day I would learn that "kisses aren't contracts". (the original poem- both noteworthy of reading, although some folks were never taught about plaguarism)However, thus far this hasn't happened.

I laid in bed last night, thinking to myself just kick this niggah to the curb, but then I was like well maybe he has a good "excuse"; then again we make time for what we want to make time for. And then I was like well shyt just call someone else because I mean shyt it ain't like other brothas ain't trying to holla. But, I wouldn't allow myself to call someone else cause I would have been with them thinking about him. So, I just laid in bed, reanalyzing the situation or what some might say was/is "torturing myself".

I talked with a buddy's of mine yesterday who's also a poet/ he said when did u meet this guy/ i was like/ ah on sunday night/ and i was ranting n raving about this n that/ he was like/ so your simply infatuated with this dude/ i was like what?/ he was like it's infatuation/ well maybe it is/ n if it is/ infatuation is a bitch/ and now i'm sitten here thinking & rethinking/ my every move with this dude/ wondering/ trying to figure out what i did wrong/ where & how did i move in the wrong direction/ and it's uncomprehensible because if he doesn't like me/ then it was what it was/ simply a kiss/ n i'm going to have to accept that/ becuz kisses aren't contracts/ and holding a hand ain't chaining a soul/ but then it gets much deeper/ LIKE/ why do i always fall for guys who can't/don't want to/ or aren't capable of "liking""loving" "falling" for me? Am I just on some ole destructive shyt or am i simply singing Tine Turner's fool in love ?

I simply don't know. All I know is that last night, I didn't call someone else to be with/have sex with/ occupy my time with. cause/ I can't/don't want to do the same dumb shyt again/ it's time to accept that things don't often go my way- that life is sometimes lonely- sometimes disappointing but i got to keep moving- nose wide open and all..... - What does love have to do with it? EVERYTHING!!!!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Take it Slow D, this time u got to take it slow

Ok, I'm blogging kind of late today. You know normally I get to work, check the voicemail, address anything outstanding and then blog to clear my mind. Well, today was different. My reports are due tomorrow, so had a little more to address than usual and I need to make sure I cover everything, and lil emergency come up from time to time- "the life of a real estate employee", well the daylife anyway.

So, last night I went out to "thug's night out"- interesting name for a place & night which is located next to a grocery store in the middle of the hood, has a drag queen cracking jokes between the poetry, and the poets are so deep, they rip people new assholes like rapist who parade the streets at night. Well anyway, last night, I happened to be one of the poets who were ripping assholes or at least talking about how my asshole had been ripped. I read two of my newest poems. One was untilted the other was based on the expereince that inspired "It was what it was .... time to let go".

Well man, to say the least it was quite a night. People actual didn't talk while I recited my peice and you could tell that they were really listening for once. I've always said that if I could stain the paper with my pain maybe I wouldn't have to carry it around. Well, I must have stained it and then allowed it to creep out my throat because peeps were like damn- that brotha is and/or has gone through it. I once had a teacher who said your talent is the pain you carry with you everyday. I looked at him and thought yeah whatever man. However, last night some of that talent must have squeezed it's way out to make everyone put down their glasses, shut their mouths, and listen. It was an amazing expereince to release some of the things that I've been so afraid to speak about or too ashamed to reveal about myself. Many of these things i've carried for days, months, years, all this pain has kept me warm/ burning with desire of the hope of being free.

And to talk of freedom, well you know a few days ago, I met a brotha who I'm so into it's scary. Last night I kissed him for the first time and when the brotha kissed me/or i kissed him/or we kissed each other i wanted to cry cause that shyt felt good. And man, I can't stop thinking about this dude- it's like I'm scared as hell that I won't be his type or that I'm not muscular enough for him/ or attractive enough/ or maybe he's already seeing someone although he told me he was single/ and what if he has a lil dick/ or if he doesn't want to give up any booty/ my mind is like spinning a mile a minute and today i started not to call him after not seeing him last night- but decided not to play the game/not to play it safe/ and damn i caught myself wanting to cry again/ becuz i'm losing control- i'm all in my feelings/can't escape these things/ sometimes i wish i could/ but just thinking about this brotha makes me hot! not sexually hot/although he is a cutie pie and i'm wondering if the sex would be tight/ but emotionally this brotha just puts me all in my feelings/it's like i'm 16/17/18 years old again/ taking a chance/ when we kissed i stood there with my eyes closed tears in my eyes/ like this dude feels so good/ and i felt his arms/back/kissed his neck/ felt his muscles/ felt my belly against his hard ass stomach and got nervous/ like oh shyt/ what if this dude thinks i'm fat/ or isn't attracted to me cause i ain't some muscle boy or skinny ass negro/ and man it was like tripping me out/ and i was running late to the theatre/so/ i was saved by the bell/ but still got to have a conversation with dude/ so i can get some clarity/ cause i'm tripping/ n trying to keep that feeling of kissing this dude/ and feeling his body against mine/ and wanting to hold that feeling forever/ the feeling of just two sets of lips held together and just a little bit of tongue/ and my body wanting to breath into his/ hoping that he wants to breath into mine/and man i'm tripping/ thinking that i don't want to be around noone but him/ deleting accounts/ hoping/wishing/praying/ he might love me even though i've been a hoe at times/ hoping that he might learn to like me/maybe love me/ maybe want to build something with me and renew my hope/ becuz right now i'm john legend/ telling myself to take it slow/ this time i i'm going to take it slow... take it slow... take it slow...
this shyt got me thinking i'm losing my mind/ and i'm just what a crazy poet

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Taking a chance

Ok, I know I'm blogging too much today, but whatever. This weekend two great things happened- see previous blog for #1 "Growing with Pooquie", the 2nd thing that happened was that a met a brotha and I took a chance.

I went out Sunday night with Pooquie and I must have had it going on a little bit because the crowd was feeling me- well there was this one guy that I saw, thought he was cute, but kinda thought I wasn't on his level- well until I saw him looking in my direction. Well, I walked by him, then suddenly something told me to stop and I immediately turned around walked up to this brotha took his hand and said What's your name man, I'm %$#&&*^. So, he tells me his name, we talk for a long moment and I am feeling this brotha! My nose is all kind of open, so I'm like ok, you got to get away from this cat. But, I stand there and keep talking to him. After a while, I realize it's gettting kind of late, so I tell him hey man I'm going to give you my #, I would like to get to know you. Now, reguarly I would have been like "let's hook up" or "what you doing later", but something about this brotha made me "want to get to know him". So, I give him my number with my real name not my initial and I proceed to go check on Pooquie and get a last dance in.

Well, I end up seeing the brotha on my way out and I'm sooooo attracted to this brotha. So, we start talking some more and I find out that he lives very close to me, a matter of like ten blocks, so now I'm like of shyt, a brotha that lives in the neighborhood- talk about conveience. Well, after a minute I realize Pooquie is making faces so I give him the car keys so he doesn't have to freeze to death waiting for me in the cold. Well, I talk to dude for another good 10 minutes and then depart to my car. I get in the car and got this big ass shyt eating grin like WHOA! So, Pooquie just gives me a look like here we go again...LOL... Well, we start driving home and I'm talking like a mile a minute about this cutie pie and the fact that he lives in the neighborhood and blah, blah, blah... well we get to a red light and guess who's next to us... So, you know I have to roll down the window.. So, we have a few quick words... the light changes and I continue my convo with Pooquie when all of a sudden I turn to Pooquie and ask "Do you think we'd make a cute couple"- such a Joan moment! He looks at me like I've lost my mind! So, I'm like ok, remember were just ordinary people-- take it slow... take it slow... take it sllloooooowww... this time take it slow....

Well, yesterday I had to see this brotha again, so I called him up and went with him to walk his dogs... his dogs actually also liked me, so who know's maybe my taking a chance will work out then again I might be putting myself up for rejection-- who knows.. Right now, I'm nose is wide open and I'm just smelling the flowers...

Growing with Pooquie

It's Tuesday morning and I'm at work! You would think I wouldn't be so excited and annoyed, afterall I worked yesterday, although it was President's Day. However as I learned yesterday, President's Day is only a day off for Goverment employees, schools, Post Offices, & the such- not Real Estate employees! So, anyway, here I am again on my 2nd day of a 5 day work week, when everyone else only has to work 4 days. Especially after enjoying 3 days of sun and fun, well not really, I do live in Chicago, with my freind Pooquie.

Pooquie is my budddy from undergrad- We met @ MSU after having chatted on the internet and learning that we would both be attending the same school. Well, you know how the World Wide Web can long and behold, shortly after my first semster I ran into him and little did I know it then but we would become very close freinds. In the beginning we kind of looked at each other like what the heck is this negro going through. That may be because many people remark that Pooquie and I are total opposites.

In fact, we often get stared at while walking down the street or simply eating chicken at Harold's Chicken Shack or feeding off each others thoughts, feelings, and energy and the care or protectiveness we display for each other. We ourselves often laugh at our freindship and how much we have grown together, especially since "ordinarily" we would have dismissed each other simply because our preconceived notions about each other. I'm rather "rough looking"; I look rough, speak rough, walk, talk, etc rough- Whereas Pooquie is rather delicate- he's very soft spoken, he walks, talks, eats, sleep very delicately.

Well at any rate, we were able to get over the way we thought each other should/would have behaved and felt, to really understand each other as indivuals. I often think of our freindship as the Ramond/Kyle relationship in the first E. Lynn Harris books. It's amazing how someone can unexpectally change your life.

My visit with Pooquie this weekend reminded me of all the reasons why I love him and cherish our freindship together. It also woke up my paternal instincts. Pooquie kept reminding me he was a "grown ass man". Although, in my mind I need to look after him and make sure he's "ok". Intellectually, I understand that he is a grown man. However, emotionally I want to make sure noone messes with my "delicate" freind.

Well, last night it was very difficult for me to say goodbye to him after spending four days of spending time with Pooquie. I didn't realize how much I missed of undergrad days and just how I was so used to seeing him everyday and witnessing all the funny faces that he makes; not to mention his quick one liners- the boy has wit if anyone has it! Well, at any rate, last night after dropping him off at the airport I wanted to cry but knew that we would see each other soon and that a part of freindship is supporting each other from 1,000 of miles apart and knowing that we are constantly growing, wither we live down the street from each other or five states apart.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

It was what it was....Time to Let Go

this is something i've been meaning to blog about for a very long time. i have very deep feelings for somone, lets say his name is LOT. Well LOT and I dated when I first moved to Chicago. We met at a party, really didn't pay each other too much mind, but later ended up getting together.

I never intended on liking nor beginning to love this negro because we were sexual incompatible. But, he seemed like a kewl brotha, so I threw caution to the wind and decided to give this brotha a chance. I immediately became attached to him and to this day have yet to let go. I constantly tell myself to let go.let go.. let go.. LET THE FUCK GO.. to release my thoughts, feelings, and frustration but every time I see someone who knows him or go through my e-mail account and see an e-mail from him or something that I've written about him, I'm flooded with the memories of our courtship.

These memories overpower my mind and I can't let this brotha go, although he doesn't give a fuck about me. In his mind, I've been eliminated, I'm a has been, a passerby, nothing siginificant or that deserves a birthday card or occasional phoen call. And here I am holding on to him, holding on to nothing. holding on to a dream of being with someone who doesn't see me and simply wanted to fuck me. And my dumb ass fell for it. Yeah, I gave up the booty to this brotha thinking that he loved me, thinking that I was different but I was no different because now I'm a faded memory, a mark of the wall, a goal that was achieved and no longer remembered.

I've always believed that things in life happen for a reason- in many ways I think LOT came into my life to remind me that noone likes just being a peice of ass- and that's what I was for him. Beyond everything, the nights we talked, the way he held me- that made me feel so safe, he just wanted to convinvce me that it was ok to give him so much of myself. I fell for the deception. the trap had been laid and the King was dethroned. I know live as a peasant- realizing who i am and who i was to him.

He showed me what I was- I was nothing, no different from anyone else and that even I the "somewhat intelligent, attractive sought after young man" could be conquered. Everytime, I think of this, the pain that feels my body and the tears that flutter my eyes prove to me that I gave up so much of my power to be with someone, who didn't want me. It is this- the rejection which causes my physical and emotional pain when I think of LOT. Not to mention, that after he got what he wanted he snored his ass off into the morning as I sat on the toilet sick as a dog. I've never mentioned to him my condition that night, nor did he notice that I was gone from the bed. I've only talked about this to two of my freinds, who both replied why didn't you tell him? why didn't u wake him up? I guess I was too embarassed.. maybe i thought he would think i was less of a man b/c i wore his ass out and now here i lay/broken down and defeated too embarrassed to speak. I abadoned myself to love someone, someone who laid in the bed and slept after receiving all of me and now I remain scarred from this altercation. To add insult to injury, I still hold so much affection for LOT, for this man that brought me to my knees and gave me reasons to dream again. He teased me with the illusion of being with me and raising a child; every man I've dated knows this is what I want more than anything. He spun me around in foggy clouds and blemished skies, held me in rooms which were too dark for me to see my way out of just to get what he wanted, whispered i love you as he laid on top of me and let me melt into his body and I fell for it.

Now, here I am left on my knees, crawling for a crutch hoping that i didnt sacrifice my true essence for a man who never loved me and just knew all the things to say and the way to say them to convince me to abandon all my defenses and throw caution to the wind. And now after the aftermath of the tornado I'm left in despair picking up the peices of myself, wondering & hoping that someone can truly love me with my anus or without, because I simply can't stand the pain of just being a peice of ass!

What is a Brotha to Do?

Right now I've had several thoughts about abstaining from sex. Don't get me wrong I LOVE sex. But, I'm not currently in a relationship and empty sex does nothing for me. Yet and still I catch myself going through the motions of having intercourse with someone I really don't want to or have no real desire of having sex with- it's simply something to do. This morning, I had a vision of giving up sex the way Ramond in the E. Lynn Harris books gives up drinking "until I fall in love". But, this leaves me with the real question, Can I possible give up sex?

My gut reaction is hell nah! I mean even Freud states that sex is one of the basic needs of human survival. So, where does this leave me? It leaves me either hurting or healing myself through sexual escapades. IE, last night I got a call from this guy that I fucked about two weeks ago, he wanted to come over- I was like nah. I haven't been feeling him like that and I know I have no emotional attachment for him at all. So, why bother. 2 weeks ago it was kewl cause I was bored and needed some, but now it's like what's the use. He does nothing for me. Right now, I'm in need of some sexual healing. Not, just sex!

I need someone who I genuinely care for and who will care for me- not saying I want a relationship although a good one wouldn't be bad. Would be nice to have lunch break sex and also be able to go home to someone and hug. But, that's not my life right now. So, what's a brotha to do? Do I resume the life of a hoe ass brotha and continue to have sexual redevous and remain emotionally unsatisfied or do I put my dick on haitus and suffer through the emotional and physical ramification of not gratifying myself. Quite frankly, I don't know. To complicate matters, I've found myself attracted to two women in the last two weeks. This is normal, however when I start to think about eating pussy and really making a move on these chicks, the creul reality that in order to have anything with them I would have to disclose my "secret", I become immobile and decide it's better to just solve the problem with some vaseline and a towel.

Yep, a brotha masturbates ALOT. Now, that is the one thing in my life that is regular. I normally masturbate at least once a day, normally at bed time to help me go to sleep. It's like the old saying, if you don't know how to please yourself who does. Well, I drain myself before wrapping my body around my pillows but still feel unsatisfied. I could have a bed fellow but refuse to allow just any ole body to sleep in my bed. I occasionaly bag your back out on the pull out coach and then either put you out or leave you on the coach to sleep while I retire to my bed. This however, still leaves me craving intimacy. What is a brotha to do?

I need some body contact. Maybe a good jerk off buddy would work. Pop in some flicks, touch, stroke, kiss, release and then hopefully hug. But, most brothas aren't down for that- or at least the ones I'm attracted to. What is it about hugging that so many men can't deal with it? Is it the "heat" between two men or the intimacy/the comfort/the lack of space that one feels when hugging with another brotha. I don't know. I just know I needed someone to hug with, someone I feel comfortable with- so what's a brotha to do?

I guess I can either wait for the sexual healing or continue to do the sexual harming because sex can be both. It can be beautiful and it can be painful and ugly. Right now I want to paint perfect pictures of rainbows, sillohettes of two brothas making love or maybe just hot passionate sex with some affection intermingled with splendid kisses and a touch of caring that carresses their souls- not sex. I'm so tired of being objectified and objectfying others just to get a nutt. But, I'm not in love with anyone, so how do I quench my thirst? A brotha needs some affection- I needs someone to hug with---what's a brotha to do?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Porkchop Tuesday

Well, well, well it's Porkchop Tuesday. I just got done eating my lunch, which consisted of porkchops, rice n gravy, spinach and 2 peices of rye bread. I'm attempting to eat better in the New Year and afterall a brotha isn't getting any younger. This past week I caught the flu or this "flu virus" that's going around. This "flu virus" actually provided to me how I wasn't getting any younger. Although, I didn't take any time off from work, this thing knocked me on my ass, had me constantly sweating, almost couldn't see and almost, almost, shitted on myself- Now, when you almost shyt your self, you know something is wrong!

So, anyway I'm feeling alot better, although I've heard that it take 8 weeks to rid your body of this nasty lil bug. So, that means I have 6-7 more weeks to go, although I'm feeling so much better. So, at this rate, it looks like I'll be putting on sandles before I get totally better- that's unless Chicago haunts us with one of its famour extended winters. I'm hoping not. But, if it does so be it.

At least for the next two weekends I'll be spending time with two of my good freinds. My one good buddy is coming in on Friday from DC, and next week my buddy from San Diego is coming in. I know were going to have a good ass time. I keep teasing my buddy from DC telling him that I'm going to get him high when he comes, but I know he ain't having that. I remember when we were in undergrad and I took him to the bar, he couldn't finish a damn Corona and complained about tasting it for a week on his Wow, how things change. This past Summer we unexpectable met up in LA and his grown ass was at the bar drinking tequila shots. Can you imagine from one sip of Corona to a shot of tequila, but he's still saying no to the ganja. Ain't like he needs it anyway he's crazy without it.

All my freinds are crazy. I mean shyt, I'm insane so I couldn't possibly have any sane freinds right?

So, the week after this, my buddy from San Diego will come with lots of stories I'm sure. We actually met when I lived in Philly and became roomates shortly after meeting until one of his dates stole some of my shyt and I had to relocate. At any rate, were still freinds and love each other to death. We talk about 2-3 times a month. We both have very busy schedules but know that were there for each other. I'm sure, he will have me in stiches with his philoshophies on love and life. I'm going to have to go shopping and buy him a gift. He loves Barbara Streisand, so if she has anything new out, I'll have to pick it up for him. Maybe, I'll just treat him to go see Meet the Fockers- but knowing him he's already seen it.

Anyway, so today finds me in good spirits besides my cold and the fact that I didn't have anyone "special" to spend V-Day with. I actually ended up sleeping most of the evening away, although I stopped at the bank and got money so I could treat myself out. Guess, I just need some good ole rest. I actually slept pretty well and didn't think much about the fact that my rooom wasn't decorated with flowers and no candy boxes adorned my kitchen table. I was fine just being by myself in the comfort of my home knowing that I was safe and loved myself enough to not go out and disrespect myself. So, even when I least expect it, I learn the little gifts that life offers without there being too much thought involved.

All this makes me remember a play I saw last week called Insurrection Holding History. In the play the characters great great great grandfathers tells him, "be still, your minds always moving".... "you know nothing. you know letters on paper.. you know nothing.. i lived it you just watching it." "I didn't bring you here to change nothing""I brought you here to watch" "It ends, slavery ends" "You the proof".... we won "you the proof"..... I guess in my own little way, I'm my own proof of everything I do know and don't know and everything I'm discovering everyday while always questioning but slowly learning to just be still........ there's so much power in silence so much power in stillness, at the same time, life is all about movement. We must, I must constantly evolve, push myself to my own limits.... but always take time to just watch the waves as the rippple through the sea. Sometimes, I must stand back and simply watch things, sense things, and know that everything will be what it's going to be and that's what fills my mind on this Porkchop Tuesday.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Matters of the heart

Yesterday, I stopped to get some Chinese food- just getting over the flu and my appetite is back so, I had a taste for some good ole "cat & dog"...yep CAT & DOG...So, I stop by the ATM to get some cash, can you believe at this day and age some Chinese folks don't want to take a credit card.- they hang up fancy signs that read CASH ONLY, as they smile with their slanted eyes and pearly whites.

So, anyway, I go over to the local Chinese spot and order me some Won Ton Soup and a small General Tso's chicken. I'm sitting there waiting on my order, when this young brother walks in and he's soak and wet from the rain- I mean it did rain like a bitch yesterday- and he says something, almost so inaudible I can't hear what he saying and he says "can you help a brotha out with some change". Now, I wanted to scream "get a fucking job", but my heart went out for this brotha for whatever reason.

So, I give the fool two dollars. Why, I do that for? So, now he thinks he can sit here and talk to me until my food comes. So, you know me, what the hell- let's be nosey! So, I'm flooding him with like 10, 00 questions like "yo bro what you doing in the raiN?" "how old r u","DO YOU WORK" ETC... So, the brotha tells me that he's locked out of the house- he lives with his brother supposedly and his brother doesn't get off work till 10 PM. I'm like damn, it's like maybe 5 PM right now.. So, I'm really feeling bad for this brotha- so he starts asking me questions like how old am i? what am i doing, etc. I'm like shyt, chillen, getting some grub and going to the crib to chill out- so to make a long story short- somehow or another we end up with him coming back to my crib to chill- I'm like whatever because I was all lonely and shyt I'm intruiged as hell how someone could sit up in the rain for like hours- shyt I guess if you put two and two together- you can easily guess it can only be a few things..and i mean theres always signs..

So, to get back to the point.. so, my food is finally ready. I grab my bag and me and this brotha walk to my car. I tell him you know we can hang out and he can dry off for a while at least. He's like kewl.. then ask me do I smoke? Sign #1 I'm like nah, I don't smoke cigarrettes. He's like oh ok, what do you smoke? I'm like I smoke weed once in a while. He's like ok, kewl and tells me he smokes cocaine SIGN #2. I'm like wholly shyt, what the fuck have I gotten myself into- I'm lonely muthefuckka but I ain't fitten to hang out wit no crack head! So, I'm suppressing my disgust and still being nosey. So, I'm like how long you been smoking cocaine- and then the brotha says I smoke crack not cocaine.. I'm like ok big dog! Shyt, Whintey said crack was whack right, so why this mofo didn't get the memo. So, I'm really caught off guard now. ... So, I aks this brotha how long you been smoking crack and how does it feel? He's like since he was 18 and he loves the high. I'm like what does the high feel like, not that I'm going to do some cause I'm sared of that shyt. My dad is a crack head so I'm already prone to like it so, I leave that shyt alone!

Anyway, we finally get to my house and I offer this brotha some food but he's like he ain't hungry. I'm like well man, I'm going to eat. So, I'm eating and then he starts talking this bullshyt about wanting to make some money- and I'm like how you going to do that? And he's like I don't know... do you mess around? I'm like "mess around?" playing REAL stupid wit this negro- "what in the world do you mean mess around?" And he's like getting real nervous cause I don't flipped the script on his ass... he's like "do you like men" I'm like do you niggah? And he's like ahhh... yeah... and I'm like seeing all the light bulbs go off in my head GET THIS MOFO OUT YOUR CRIB BEFORE U COME HOME N DONT HAVE A CRIB! So, this mofo tells me he's basically selling himself. I tell these mofo I don't pay for sex man... look at me and then look at u, why should I pay you to have sex with me?????????????????????????

Anyway, man I gave that brotha $4 for leaving my muthafuckken house and hopefully I will still have a house since I put his ass directly out for coming to me with that bs-- and I'm mad at myself for not seeing the signs... Damn, I really do have a heart--- I try to help a brotha get out the rain and this brotha is selling his 24 year old body for crack! Ain't that a bitch! Does life matter anymore when people are disrespecting themselves to that extent? I mean damn! I don't get it, is a high so good that you would lose your job, lose your crib, lose everything because you love a high? Shyt, hate to say it, but now I know why his brother locks his ass out the crib, because he wants to still have a crib when he returns everynight and damn this whole thing weighs heavy on my heart!

Friday, February 11, 2005

Am I just being sensitive.. or needy

Igght, it's 9:43 am, and I've received all of two personal phone calls this morning. This is above average on a scale of everyday living when I'm at my job. But, today is different. It's different because #1 I was up coughing half the night and decided to wait until it was after 12 midnight to go to sleep, just to see if anyone would call me or at least send an e-mail. Well, I got one e-mail last night, with the title, Happy Birthday Sunshine! I was like what the fuck- Who in the hell would be calling me sunshine? So, I open the e-mail and it's from some old ass man, who happened to see it was my b-day and sent me this tired ass card. Ain't this a bitch! Now, not to be ungrateful cause I mean I have yet to recieve cards from anyone else, although, I haven't checked my USPS mail yet. So, a brotha is feeling a little insignificant right now to say the least, not to mention I'm coughing up my lungs and just want someone to come and rub my head and hold me.

So, anyway, you would think for someone who really never celebrated his birthday(my family doesn't celebrate holidays), this wouldn't be a big deal! But today, it is. I don't know if I'm just being sensitive or needy- but shyt, I was brought into the word 27 years ago today, and you mean to tell me that only two people hold that as something siginificant. And everyone wonders why I'm single. Well, for all the brothas and sistas hollering they so into me, feeling me, want to be with me, why ain't none of yall calling me? Or shyt, at least send an e-card-- anyway I'm all in my feelings.. and shyt I guess I am being sensitive and needy and that's why I'm single....

Well, you know where single gets me, right? It gets me to go and do some shyt for myself tonight. No need to worry or even think if someone else is going to suprise me with something. So, unlike when I was turning 12 and just sent out inviatations and made my moms give me a party, she was one mad bitch that year- and it's my mama so i can call her a bitch you can't!!! Tonight, I will go out and have my own party, treat myself to my own celebration and maybe just maybe even invite someone else, although only two peeps called me this morning to wish my ass a Happy anything!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

My own dumb ass mistakes and.. being ignored

Ok, so it's 3:27 pm and I still haven't taken my lunch break. I'm thinking of closing the office and going home and lay up in my sheets. But, damn, I don't feel like going home to an empty house and an empty bed. It's times like this that I miss being in a relationship. What I wouldn't give to have someone at home to rub my head and chest and hold me while I sweat this cold out.

But, I don't have anyone, so what's the use of talking about it.

Ok, so I created this mental blog last night after I saw Mr. Issues, this guy I kinda laid up with a few times. No, we've never fucked, but we've kicked it a few times, you know kissed, laid up, rubbed dicks, had drinks, things like that. Well, in the beginning I was feeling this cat because he was so my type "like that" and I was comfortable wit him, not to mention he was like mad affectionate. So, the fucked up part about this brotha was that he had a "female" in his life. So, I was keeping my distance, not trying to get all caught up with this cat, because obviuosly he got he's own issues. Shyt, if he's in a relationship and then out and about everywhere where he ain't got no business being, I think that's consitutes having "ISSUES". So, anyway, and not excusing myself, but let me say, this I can go to the "hoe" places cause #1 I'm grown, #2 I'm single and #3 I'm honest about my shyt.

So, I go inside the bookstore, I went to buy a porno not get my dick sucked, so slow your roll right there. Anyway, I end up in the back where the booths are at, and I meet this brotha and long and behold after he stares me down for like 20 minutes or more, we start talking. Well, we standing back in this nasty ass bookstore listening to people jerk/suck/fuck- doing "god" knows what- and were actaully enjoying each other convo, which is very suprising in this parts. So, I get to the point where I'm like ok, enough talking you want to come to the crib and chill with a brotha, because I don't need to be doing nuttin in no nasty ass bookstore- I pay rent and It's time for me to get the fuck up outta here and the brotha is like ok, kewl.

So, I buy my two films, head out to the parking lot and long and behold who do I see... Mr. Issues. And I'm like hey, whassup but in a sly like kinda way, because ole boy is walking to his car to come chill wit me. And this mofo, ask just like he doesn't know me, kinda looks, but kinda turns his head and refuses to ackwoledge my presence. So, I'm like this muthafukka right here..... and my head and heart is like what the fuck- I know this muthafucka ain't looking down on me and he in the same fucking place I'm @. And I just want to kinda cry because I was feeling this brotha, who just happens to have a "female" in his life, but just so happens to be "out and about" like I don't know what. One part of me wishes I fucked his lil loose booty ass, just to have one up on him, and the other side, really feels something for this brotha, because after all we kissed. And I knew tonight, there would be no kissing with the starry eyed brotha who was following me home.

So, anyway, after I'm liking cussing Mr. Issues out on my way home. I finally get to the crib, talk for like 45 more minutes with starry eyed brotha and then we get down to business and jerk off. So, were in the middle of jerking off and this brotha starts asking how does my dick taste, and I'm like take your ass down there and see. So, the brotha starts licking my nutts, the shyt feels good. Then all of a sudden he starts eating my ass, and I'm like knock your self out, you can lick it all you want, but you ain't sticking it- Sorry Pal! So, anyway, this brotha is licking me from head to toe, sucking my toes, licking my balls, licking the fuck out my ass, and I'm like shyt, I'm going to NUTT!!! So, this mofo is licking my ass like it's the last ice cream cone in the word and I buss all over this fools chest. So, I retire to the bathroom, bring his ass a washcloth and I'm like ok, negro I'm sleepy- time for you to go- unless you wanna stay the night and cuddle. He politely declines, says he has a "girlfireind" and has to go home. I'm like, I be damned another one- Another Mr. Issues.... or shyt should I say, this is just one of my dumb ass mistakes and I know I ain't going to be nothing but ignored.......... So, now that I know this brotha got a girlfriend and can't give me what I need, I'm really rushing his ass out my house. I'm like aiight man you got my #(yeah I'm still using that tired ass line, and the dumb mofos still falling for it) finally he gathers his clothes and heads out the door.

I take the sheets off the coach and retire to my bed. Now, here I am laying in this big ass bed alone, and why? I guess because I'm lost, alone, scared, and just keep doing the same dumb shyt-
When will I get it?
I continually remind myself over and over again, that if I do the same thing, I've always done, I'll always keep getting what I always got-- and shyt, I'm tired already!!!

Monday, February 07, 2005

The Eagles lost, but I found my wings..

Last night, I attended a Superbowl party that was supposed to be composed of "attractive, masculine, professional brothas". Well, let's say that wasn't the case! So, I was a little upset about that. However, I managed to get my hands on some ganja and a couple cups of lemonade spiked with some good ole Vodka.

So, here I am sitting around a whole bunch of folks who think their "masculine" but aren't and who think they professional and fly but obviously are not. I might as well went to the club to watch the game. At ay rate, the food was off the chain, so you know I ate like a pig; shyt I wasn't even trying to be cute and shyt- so, a brotha had like 5 plates of food.

So, anyway, as the night progressed my focus drifted from damn I want to be smiling up in some cute brothas face right now to just enjoy the people your with and since one homie that I knew came in the door, I was safe. Good, now they can stare at his ass and leave me alone. LOL

So, I see my homie we give each other a quick big ass hug, and that shyt felt kinda good. Ok, so you know the next thing we both do- we both look around the room and were like ain't this a bitch! Damn!! But, anyway. We start talking and shyt, you know me always the one to start a conversation up....and the next thing I know damn, it don't even matter that ain't no cuties up in this piece. Now, I don't know if it's the weed or the alcohol, but I'm having a decent fucking time. We're talking bout a lil bit of everything.. relationships, sex, selfishness, religion and sexuality, why niggahs don't know how to tell the truth, etc... Now, I don't know is it's just the fact, that I told myself don't worry bout taking none of these mofos numbers or me just being me, but we about an hour or so, we all vibed, just kick back and talking and it ain't like we trying to sleep with each other and that was kinda kewl. I appreciate that.

So, in between all this conversation, you know I'm still peeping the game. Although, I walked away from the tv once the Eagles started fucking up and refilled my drink and plate- Boy, a brotha just forgot all about watching his weight and shyt. By the end of the night, I walked away from the tv about a good 4 times and although the Eagles lost the game, glad I didn't bet any money on this one, I learned a valueable lesson. Everyone has value and value isn't just about being cute, masculine, professional, or got it going on.. sometimes, if you look past what you see on the outside, someone may surprise you by their own intelligence- now, I really know all "gods" churren got wings.... or my ass was just high and fucked up......

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Lost in space...

For the past few days, I've assembled 4 blogs and not a one is posted.

There's so much on my mind, but my fingers either don't keep up with my brain or the feelings are so overwhelming that I simply numb myself from feeling too much. However, deep within my soul, I'm constantly feeling. It's as if, my body feels so much, so quickly that it's hard for me to keep up with myself.

At any rate, the moral of the story is that I'm overwhelmed with fear. Not a day goes by that I don't feel utterly and completely lost. Every part of myself that I thought I was was is no longer; every inch of my body betrays who and what I thought I was. The one thing I know is that I'm lost and afraid in a world which has no place for me and I'm left with only myself. I've grown accostomed to being alone, however I've never grown accostomed to feeling as if I belonged anywhere; in many ways this is why I never stay in one place for long.

I'm always running away from or towards something. In the last 9 years, I've lives in 4 different places, NJ, PA, MD, and now IL. With each transition, I hope for something better but only find the exact same thing in city after city and town after town. Perhaps what I'm looking for has always been right with me, but I was always too dumb or blind to see it.

Perhaps I'm looking for myself, or at least the permission to be myself. But, then this cuts down to the main question in my life... Who Am I? Honestly, I don't know any more. I know that I'm a man. I know that I'm a black man. But, really who Am I? For the past 14 hours, I've asked myself this question over and over, and still I have no answer. In some sense, I truly don't know, and on the other I know exactly who I am. I'm half man/half boy lost on the road to self discovery. A portion of my body has matured with each transition, with each heartbreak, and with each good bye. Whereas, the other portion of my body, is still that dumb, dirty, little black boy who grew up in the projects.

It is these two parts, peices of myself who make me who I am. A bit confusing, a bit of a contradiction, a bit of mystery and struggle pushing through the barriers of myself to survive.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Lost on the highway of life

For the past week or so I've been urging myself to blog, but my fingers type no words when I'm in front of my pc. I would naturally think, that being that "so" much is going on in my world, I would have "alot" to say. However, my feelings are suppressed by thoughts of the unknown, constant inquiries as to if I'm truly doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now in my life.

For the most part, my life "at this moment" is definetly on the highway- but the highway to where? I normally feel as if I'm where I'm supposed to be "right now" in my life. But, at other times, I think that I'm going a little too fast and I better slow down before I "wreck my future trying to run from my past".

In recent weeks, my past per say has been infiltrating itself into my future. I've had recurrent dreams that make completely no sense. I.e. A dream in which a childhood friend was chasing me with a gun, but we were both adults, and the dream was set in Chicago and I grew up in Jersey.

I've recently accepted a promotion from my employer. In the big skim of things, my new job enables me to acquire more skills, which would allow me to search for a better position down the road. And today I survived my first Board meeting and recieved my 1st paycheck in my new position. It feels good to pay all my bills with 1 paycheck, but am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing at this point in my life? Are all my efforts in vain? Am I truly doing enough to give back to the community to enrich and promote education in our neighborhoods and Am I being the progressive black man I'm supposed to be? Right now at this moment, I don't know. I simply know I'm on the highway of like, but don't know in what direction my car should or is moving in.