Wednesday, February 16, 2005

It was what it was....Time to Let Go

this is something i've been meaning to blog about for a very long time. i have very deep feelings for somone, lets say his name is LOT. Well LOT and I dated when I first moved to Chicago. We met at a party, really didn't pay each other too much mind, but later ended up getting together.

I never intended on liking nor beginning to love this negro because we were sexual incompatible. But, he seemed like a kewl brotha, so I threw caution to the wind and decided to give this brotha a chance. I immediately became attached to him and to this day have yet to let go. I constantly tell myself to let go.let go.. let go.. LET THE FUCK GO.. to release my thoughts, feelings, and frustration but every time I see someone who knows him or go through my e-mail account and see an e-mail from him or something that I've written about him, I'm flooded with the memories of our courtship.

These memories overpower my mind and I can't let this brotha go, although he doesn't give a fuck about me. In his mind, I've been eliminated, I'm a has been, a passerby, nothing siginificant or that deserves a birthday card or occasional phoen call. And here I am holding on to him, holding on to nothing. holding on to a dream of being with someone who doesn't see me and simply wanted to fuck me. And my dumb ass fell for it. Yeah, I gave up the booty to this brotha thinking that he loved me, thinking that I was different but I was no different because now I'm a faded memory, a mark of the wall, a goal that was achieved and no longer remembered.

I've always believed that things in life happen for a reason- in many ways I think LOT came into my life to remind me that noone likes just being a peice of ass- and that's what I was for him. Beyond everything, the nights we talked, the way he held me- that made me feel so safe, he just wanted to convinvce me that it was ok to give him so much of myself. I fell for the deception. the trap had been laid and the King was dethroned. I know live as a peasant- realizing who i am and who i was to him.

He showed me what I was- I was nothing, no different from anyone else and that even I the "somewhat intelligent, attractive sought after young man" could be conquered. Everytime, I think of this, the pain that feels my body and the tears that flutter my eyes prove to me that I gave up so much of my power to be with someone, who didn't want me. It is this- the rejection which causes my physical and emotional pain when I think of LOT. Not to mention, that after he got what he wanted he snored his ass off into the morning as I sat on the toilet sick as a dog. I've never mentioned to him my condition that night, nor did he notice that I was gone from the bed. I've only talked about this to two of my freinds, who both replied why didn't you tell him? why didn't u wake him up? I guess I was too embarassed.. maybe i thought he would think i was less of a man b/c i wore his ass out and now here i lay/broken down and defeated too embarrassed to speak. I abadoned myself to love someone, someone who laid in the bed and slept after receiving all of me and now I remain scarred from this altercation. To add insult to injury, I still hold so much affection for LOT, for this man that brought me to my knees and gave me reasons to dream again. He teased me with the illusion of being with me and raising a child; every man I've dated knows this is what I want more than anything. He spun me around in foggy clouds and blemished skies, held me in rooms which were too dark for me to see my way out of just to get what he wanted, whispered i love you as he laid on top of me and let me melt into his body and I fell for it.

Now, here I am left on my knees, crawling for a crutch hoping that i didnt sacrifice my true essence for a man who never loved me and just knew all the things to say and the way to say them to convince me to abandon all my defenses and throw caution to the wind. And now after the aftermath of the tornado I'm left in despair picking up the peices of myself, wondering & hoping that someone can truly love me with my anus or without, because I simply can't stand the pain of just being a peice of ass!


SmilingOnThaDL said...

Dag, that was powerful. As someone that has been in your shoes, it is one of those things that can always be in back of your mind. Situations when giving oneself and the feeling isn’t reciprocated creates a guard in you. Only thing that I can say is try not to have the guard on all the time, you may miss out on somebody special to enter your life.

Letting go SUCKS!

Anonymous said...

Watch who you have sex with... You know I don't care who you fuck! I don't mean it like that. I mean, when you have sex with somebody, that's an energy exchange. And you have that person's energy with you forever. You don't need to have EVERYBODY's energy walking around with you, and you don't need to give up your good energy to energy drains." This was a post from a wise soul on another blog, I think it can pertain to you in your situation perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Okay you did the do, and now the do won't dance with you anymore. Move on...he wasn't ready for love, neither are you apparently. Save your love for someone who will return it in kind. Until then, fuck whomever you feel that way about, but keep your heart in check. If you're feeling more love from a dude whom you fucked then spill some heart, and if he spills some too then maybe you can go on and get serious, and perhaps another fuck. Keep your mental sanity....dudes play hearts all the time to get what they want. Don't let your emotions batter you into thinking its love. Love will come in time. You may not recognize it but it will come...