Thursday, June 30, 2005

Spain & Canada: Meet Me at the Altar (draft)

Ok, the United States is way behind: Within the past two - three days both Canada and Spain have legalized same sex marriage- pretty Emotionalbrotha will be jumping on a plane meeting some Latin lover, putting on his tux, and telling that brotha to "meet me at the altar in your white tux, we ain't getting no younger we might as well do this".

Ever since I witnessed the two bald head lesbians get married on Sunday, I've been intruiged by my own circumstances and if and would I ever marry another man- I think deep inside there's nothing I would enjoy more- the possiblity of meeting a brotha who has he's shyt together and who would be willing to share that with me and the rest of the world. I think that if I was to ever get married, I would say my own vows- my Ex Hot, says that when I get married he wants to be there because he knows it's going to be nice because I'm so emotional- I mean imagine me- "When I found you I was lost, you found me, took me in your arms and made me new" My wedding song- "you make me feel brand new"- That's what I need right now, someone, something to take the stain away, take the nightmares from my mind, the shaking from my body, the fear from my mind- someone/something to make me safe- make me new

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Random Thoughts (Follow-up)

I'm clicking my shoes three times because there's no place like *home*- I finally moved into my new apartment and thankfully a brotha is feeling a lil bit better than last week

- the issues are still coming up and I'm busting into tears at different times during the day but the good thing is I'm taking care of myself-

At any rate, my weekend was stressful but went well- I think I'm going to take a break (again) from some of the "g life" clubs and bars especially after getting way too much exposure at the "G parade" this Sunday- that shyt was a Hot Ass MEss!!!! Nah, a shitty mess!! I must be one of the most sheltered but not sheltered people out there because I had to try and stop my mouth from dropping many many many times looking at some of that craziness---

After the crazy ass parade where I ran into Darkandslender, who surprisingly introduced me to OldbutBuffasHell, I hit the beach for a minute to get a plate of food and a few drinks and then went home to change, picked-up Sweetness and departed from Navy Pier on the "g life" cruise, which was suprising as well- but not in a crazy way- Although I haven't seen that many bold lesbians in my life- I thought Sinead O Connor & Me'Shell NdegéOcello were the only bald head women running around- Boy was I wrong!!!

At any rate, the 3 1/2 hour cruise was interesting especially since it was supposed to be 4 1/2 hours- But at any rate, saw my first gay wedding on the cruise, which wasn't much- but almost brought a tear to my eyes- danced a few dances with Buff, talked, ate, laughed, with Sweetness- who everyone thought was the mother of the bride- Too damn funny..

Yesterday, worked all damn day, went home to move a few things than back to work for a Meeting and then back home to move more stuff- also, figured out yesterday that I'm just fucking crazy-- ain't got a bit of since- I'm way too emotional- and as my mentor told me when I was 19, "your way too emotional for any man to deal with- your going to drive any man crazy" well that's probably true- like some peeps say damn you want what women want everything- maybe that's true- love, security, someone to love me no matter what, a house, kids, a dog, a career, a spouse with a career- yeah I want it all

However, I'm not a woman, not bad as a woman, don't even want to be a woman- I'm worse than a woman- and that's some crazy shyt.....

Friday, June 24, 2005

Truth Is

The truth is that I don't like myself- I hate the fact that I'm gay- it's another way of me being "different"- All this time I'm been seeking for the truth outside of myself when in essence the truth is within me- laying dormant in a cave awaiting for me to turn on the light and see the writing on the wall- I'm an unhealthy person- I don't have any self esteem or self worth- I put myself into dangerous situations and wonder why bad things happen to me- I don't love myself- I was never taught how-

I'm so ashamed of myself... of what I've become- I used to say I wanted to make the world a better place for the next young man like myself but how can I do that when I haven't faced my own demons- how can I do anything to make my family proud? Am I just another "faggot"? Honestly, I don't know- I try to be a man of caliber, a man of strength, but deep deep down inside I feel so inadequat- I feel ashamed of myself- of what I've allowed other people to do to me/ what I've done to other people- How can I possible have a relationship with someone when I have no respect for myself? These are all the questions that are going through my head- On top of all this breakthrough- I'm scheduled to help out with "Black gay pride" next weekend- I don't know if I'm going to be able to contribute-

I've always heard people say the truth will set you free- well I hope releasing this truth will set me free from the pain, anguish, and embarrassment I feel-

Sometimes I find myself saying maybe I derseved it- maybe i deserved to be "spoiled" "tampered" "violated" "betrayed" "lost"

I don't know........

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Soul Seeking

For the past few days, I've been going thru the motions- and I finally decided to do something about it. It first hit me when I was running on Lake Michigan and started to recite to myself

"I'm on a journey to redemption- I need to be redeemed- I need my soul washed clean- I'm on a journey to redemption" These words in themselves expressed exactly where I am right now & what I've been going through-

For whatever reason, I feel dirty- like I've done something wrong and I feel lost in a world full of people who all seem to be going somewhere but me, myself, and I are "stuck" in the same place...

Well yesterday, I finally decide to see a therapist. And no this isn't a brotha's first time in therapy- it's more like my 5th time in therapy.... At any rate, I'm still not getting it, although I feel like I'm not in the same place, perhaps just racing around the same wheel-

Well my therapy session was informative and I kind of just put all the cards on the table in the first session including the fact that I thought dude was fine as hell- Of course, the brotha expressed some concern with my motivation for picking him as a therapist especially since I found myself attracted to him- but I'm attracted to him in a physical way not an intellectual/emotional/ spiritual way-

At any rate, at my consulation visit- many questions were posed to me about my intentions and why I felt the way I did about myself and my place in the world and to my surprise the therapist asked me a very deep question- he asked me what do I stand for because I often contradict myself- he instucted me to just think about it- not to answer- he told me my personality seemed as if it was like a leaf- it blew whichever way the wind blew- which is very accurate- Dude also hasn't agreed to be my therapist just yet- he said we should met a few times and decide especially because there may be ethical concerns with my attraction to him-

At any rate, dude also asked me why don't i examine everything that I've accomplished and said that I showed signs of having low self worth and low self esteem and it hurts because I know that shyt is true- I don't know anymore who I am- I know I disrespect myself and others- and at the same time I try to do the best with what I have-

I always talk about someone loving me- however how on earth can I expect that when obviously a great percentage of the time i don't love myself????

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Seeking the Truth #2

Ok, I'm sitting here at my desk at work- I've had a pretty productive day- talked with the Board President- set up a few appointments- haven't had lunch yet- but my stomach is telling me something is wrong-

I'm still snooping of course- and something keeps telling me that something is wrong like I'm going to find out something that I need to know and I know it's going to hurt, whatever it may be- but I need my soul cleaned, so I keep walking down this path to redemption-

I need to redemn myself and so I seek out the truth and all situations- even when I'm the hoe- so, one half of my brain is telling me to turn around because it ain't going to be good- and the other is telling me- you need this for you- so I'm seeking the truth- whatever it may be-

So, for those who have read my blog know that I'm going to be spitten some shyt once I really find out what done happened-

Seeking for the Truth

Ok, my last blog was about being nosey/sneaky/ & getting caught- and lately, I've asked myself why do I feel the need to know everything- and I think the short answer is that I'm on a journey of redemption and in order to do this like Usher "I must confess" - so I guess in one way or another I need to give my confessions--

Friday, June 17, 2005

Caught/ Being Sneaky

Ok, I got caught being sneaky- Ok, my boy Hot- who I've been dating on and off for the last three years, has a "freind" named lets say Darkness, well a while back I had this gut feeling like they were fucking around- so long and behold Darkness hits me up on the internet not knowing who I am and the fact that I know a little bit about him and shyt, so I was intruiged about Darkness because #1 felt like him and Hot had been fucking aroung and #2 he got a big peice-

So for whatever reason I wanted to know if they fucked because if they did Hot is a damn lie and he got fucked by a big ass dick and my feelings & ego would be hurt- (I'm just being honest)-

So,long and behold, Darkness hits me up on BP, (got to love the internet) at first I didn't respond because felt like wasn't the right thing to do- but then after about a month or so, I said fuck it- I'm going to meet this niggah, fuck wit him, and then gradually inquire about the status of their relationship or past relationship or whatever the fuck they were doing, fucking, fucking aroung sucking dicks, etc-

Well you know I can't hold water-

So, to catch that niggah up, I lied and told Hot that I met Darkness and then he suddenly confesses that they fucked once- supposedly Hot fucked Darkness- but who the fuck knows who fucked who and does it really make a difference- Not only that but supposedly Darkness is a "strict top"- now why would a "strict top" let someone fuck them the 1st night they laid together- sounds mighty fishy to me-

At any rate, sometimes being nosey and sneaky can get you information you wouldn't otherwise get- so Do I get caught- hell yeah and am I sneaky- yes sir- so watch out cause I'll read your mail, go through your e-mail, medicine cabinet and everything else until brothas learn to start telling the fucking truth

All about NEws Today

Man, as you can see today is all about NEws- So, today I read how all these states are banning pitt bulls because "every drug dealer and pimp" has one and their dangerous animals. I was actually thinking about getting a Pit or a Roiteweller-

one of my buddies has one and his dog is sooooo fucking sweet- he likes to just be all up underneath you- which is nice except when he has that damn doggy smell- don't like the way most dogs smell- shyt would have to take him to the groomers every week-

at any rate, So, check it out, I read this article earlier today about this woman who locked her son in the basment-and came home to find the boy was dead-

"On the day of the attack, Maureen Faibish arrived at the family home at 711 Lincoln Way about 3:15 p.m. to discover her son's lifeless body in a front bedroom. His face had been mauled, and he was covered with bite wounds and had a hole in his scalp from the attack.

After police were called to the family's home the day of the attack, an officer shot and killed Ella when the dog prevented him from entering the apartment. Rex was captured in the backyard and taken to the animal shelter.

The family had been packing for a move, and her husband, Steve Faibish, was out of town. Their two other children were also not home.
- I think this bitch need to leave dogs alone-

Ella and Rex II were "family dogs," Faibish said. They spent most of their time inside the house, slept in bed with the children every night and woke Maureen Faibish up every morning by licking her face. Ella was trained to lick her makeup off and kiss her ear. --That's until Rex needed some doggy pussy

Faibish said she was concerned that the male pit bull, Rex, was acting possessive because the female, Ella, was in heat. Apparently, Nicholas found a way to get the door open and come upstairs. At that point Faibish believes he walked in while the dogs were mating and was attacked by Rex.

"It was Rex, I know it in my heart,'' Faibish said. "My younger dog (Ella) was in heat and anyone who came near her, Rex saw as a threat. He may have been trying to mate. It was a freak accident. It was just the heat of the moment.''

"The police killed the wrong dog if you ask me," Faibish said.

She would never want Rex back in their house.

"Absolutely not,'' Faibish said. "I told them I wanted him put down. I think of Rex as someone who molested my child, murdered my child.''

Faibish said she and her husband decided not to spay or neuter their dogs because they wanted their puppies. She said Rex had been eager to mate with Ella, but the female dog was resisting his advances.

"I used to say to Ella, just go ahead and let him do it," Faibish said. "Get it over with.''
Shyt, if Ella would have just given it up-

Now, this story is scary as hell cause why would you lock your son in the basement and not the fucking dogs- shyt if the dogs were acting crazy them bitches should been outside in the yard anyway- what was this bitch thinking about?

Oprah's on Top

Well now, we know why Steadman and Oprah aren't getting married- why? because Oprah has a bigger dick than Steadman- OPRAH just topped Forbes Top 100 Celebrity (Rich and famous)- damn what a strong black woman who has suffered can do-

Half Male/ Half Female Crab

Hey isn't this something, I just read that some fisherman caught a mysterious crab that is half male/half female- and they said that homosexuality was a choice- things that make you go him-

excerpts from the article

Kimberly Reece, a scientist at the institute, said the crab's condition probably resulted from what she called a "chromosomal mishap" shortly after it was conceived. As the cells began to divide, at one point a sex chromosome was lost or changed -- and as a result, the two halves developed according to different genetic blueprints, she said.

That means the crab could help scientists understand a crab's genetics and early development, which remain mysterious despite the creature's ubiquity around the Chesapeake.

"At what point in its development is its gender fixed?" asked Romuald N. Lipcius, a crab expert at the institute.

There are other questions: Can the crab reproduce? Can it mate with itself? Mating season has come and gone for this year, Lipcius said.

"It's possible that it already mated with itself," he said.

Before turning over the crab to the scientists, Johnson and other watermen conducted their own experiment into its sex life, with bewildering results. They dropped a female crab, which was just about ready to mate, into its tank.

First, the half-and-half crab cradled the female under his legs, as a male crab would do in preparation for mating.

Then, the crab seemed to lose interest in the female and let her go, Johnson said.
Then a day later . . .

"He ate half of her," Johnson said.

"The first day, the male side was coming out, the next day, it was the female side," said Lipcius, noting that in the wild, female crabs will often eat other competing females after they have shed their shells and become vulnerable.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Sex Quiz

1) How would you describe your sex role? Top, Bottom, or in the middle? Vers. Top

2) How old were you when you first had sex? 13

3) Was it straight or gay sex? Straight

4) How long did it last? About 30 minutes

5) Do you remember his/her name? Yes

6) When was the last time you had sex? Last night- LOL

7) Where did you have sex at? In my apartment

8) When was the best time have sex, early morning, afternoon, or late night booty call? After work or when stressed out-

9) What is the first thing you notice about someone you are attracted to? Eyes/Smile

10) Second thing? Ass/Dick which ever stands out more

11) Third thing? The way they carry themselves

12) Have you ever participated in group sex (group being 4 or more)? Of course

13) When was the last time you participated in group sex? Been a few months

14) Which is better, being watched during sex or watching sex? Watching

15) Have you ever double dipped? (had sex with more than one person at separate times in one day) Of Course- I'm a retired hoe- lol...

16) Have you ever faked an orgasm?LOL, Nah, only women do that

17) What is the wierdest sexual request someone has asked you to perform? To piss on someone

18) Did you do it? Nah!

19) Have you ever had sex in public and where? Yeah, as a kid, in the lake, as an adult got my dick sucked in the park-

20) What is your record number of orgasms in one day? Orgasms- can't say I've ever had one- busted 4 or 5 nutts in one day though-

21) Would you rather have great sex with an ugly guy/gal or ok sex with a hot guy/gal? Great sex with an ugly guy/girl

22) Would you ever tell a lie to have sex with someone? Already done that- but I try not to lie-

23) How would you rate your sex life on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the best? 6

24) Do you know how many sexual partners you have had sex with? Yeah, too many!

25) Finally did you think about having sex after taking this quiz? Nah, at work...

In Denial or Rattling Thoughts

Maybe I'm asking for too much- I don't know- I do know that I know me- and perhaps my Mentor was right, maybe I will drive a man crazy because I require too much- want/ desire too much and I'm never satisfied- too vulnerable maybe?- most likely I am- So, so what I want someone to be totally naked with me- so what I want a brotha whos going to work and come home and want to make dinner with a brotha- so what I like to hug and want to know everything about a brotha from how many ass whippings he got as a kidd, to the first person he had sex with to the last, and my place within that- maybe I want to think that I'm the best lover he's ever had- even though I'm not and I'm affected when I find out that I'm not- but life goes on- I scream, shed a few tears, cuss you out, get a little defensive but then break down- so fucking what---- just tell the truth- I'm a big boy- I will get over it eventually- I just want to feel like I can totally trust someone without secrets or whatever- I mean were going to judge each other- its just human nature- So, I'm not even going to sit here and act like I'm not and that's hard to know that your revealing/uncovering yourself/ standing before me naked/ but hey it makes things stronger- it allows me- it allows you- the opportunity to know exactly what I'm/ your getting into-

I mean come on, did any of us learn from the lessons of Pinocchio? I guess not- I continue to lie to myself about the fact that "the situation" I'm in romantically is going to go somewhere- when really my gut is telling me that it's not- yet and still I'm suprised at how much I hurt when I find out the truth, but yet and still I want, I urn for the truth- for a way for me to know that someone anyone, that one person in this life can be totally and completed honest with me- can give me a full disclosure of the events of their life- be raw, naked, with me- so then perhaps maybe I also can be revealed- discovered, unclothed, unashamed and unembarrased- this is what I urn for- for the time where I can be me- free to be me- all of me- not the good me- nor the bad me- nor the indifferent me- simply free to be all of me- until then I guess we will all walk around with big ass noses even though we don't see them or maybe we do, we simply pretend that their not there

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Conflicted Feelings

I just unpacked all of Hot's Shyt- I don't knwo what it is or why- but I do love him even though a part of me doesn't want to be with him and just wants him out of my life- I'm so conflicted- or bipolar- I'll probably be packing his shyt right back up- at any rate, i feel a lil guilty, I mean if he's going to leave why can't he leave in a peaceful way instead of "damn I had to beat that niggahs ass to get him out my apartment" I just don't get it- Am I that afraid of being alone, sleeping alone, wondering my life on my own that I allow myself to remain in this situation or is this just an example of what its going to take for me to really have enough- to be fed up enough to be done with the brotha-

Time for a Change

Ok, it's time for a change-

I really gotta change my life
I'm tired of living like this

I just almost got into a physical alteraction with my Ex Hot, who happens to be living with me- I just found out that he lied about sleeping with someone when we were broken up-

You're just too scandalous
You couldn't handle this
Give me back my rings
Give me back my things
It's over
You kept listening to them haters
So here's your walking papers

Now, maybe I'm being petty, but shyt a lie is a lie and I don't care if we weren't together- when I ask him about it- he should have said either that's none of my business or declined to answer the question- now, me knowing me, I would have had a fit, started crying and screaming and shyt, but still I would have known I could trust him- and I know I can't trust him because he wants to tell me what he wants to tell me-

Does anyone think that someone will give a full disclosure when their dating someone? Or do we (all men) just fucking lie to protect ourselves or the other person..... I'm not sure however, I know that I've packed that niggahs shyt in a white trash bag and I want him out of my house tonight!!!!

I really gotta change my life
Cause I'm tired of living like this
It seems like all we do is fight
Real love just ain't like this
Can't stay not another night
But you know you're gonna miss my kiss
I hope you have a good life
Cause I gotta say bye-bye

He going to grab my keys talking about he ain't leaving until tomorrow and that's when I stached his ass up- I ain't hit him, but wanted to I just snatched him up so he knows that I aint no punk and that I'll knock his dumb ass out- anyway, ......

(HOT) this is over
Give me my things back
You can keep the headaches
Just give me my keys back
You ain't gotta lie no more
We ain't seeing eye to eye, no more
Just give me my cds
You can keep the movies
Ain't no need to call me

You ain't gotta lie no more
We ain't seeing eye to eye, no more

Not That Into Me (Piggybackin') (draft)

Ok, I just finished reading my boy's Smiling's page and decided to finally let my fingers take over all the people who weren't for me, but yet and still I continued to pursue/ waste my time hoping that they would like me or at least want to be with me for some strange reason- this pattern has been replaying time and time again throughout my life- starting with my childhood best freind, who I secretly was in love with but guess what he's str8 and just isnt all that into me now is he, the next one who comes and goes is my 1st adult "love" Livingnthedistrict who's just not that into me because he'd rather love "god" and next comes my homie lover freind LatinLover, whos was married so how in the world could he be for me, and next would be LOT, the cop who broke my heart, fucked the shyt out of me and left me like what I was a peice of ass to him, and where am I at now, with HOT, who doesnt want to work, wants a brotha to take care of him and no matter how much I wish guess what another brotha who's not that into me- what the fuck is a brotha to do???

Thursday, June 02, 2005

He's Not That Into You Oprah Show-

I copied this from Oprah's website- we all need to read this shyt, because sometimes the brothas just ain't aint us like they should be-

Edit Your Dating Vocabulary

In their new book, He's Just Not That Into You, Greg and Liz have written a set of new dating standards for women. They want women (and I want men) to raise the bar for themselves.

Standard-Raising Suggestions
I will not go out with a man who:
(a) Keeps me waiting by the phone
(b) Is not sure he wants to date me
(c) Makes me feel sexually undesirable
(d) Drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable
(e) Fears talking about our future
(f) Is married

I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me or who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.

Liberating Vocabulary
Friend: A person who is your pal. What it generally means in relationships is he's just not that into you.

Busy: Busy means I'm the President of the United States. I'm an astronaut and I'm on another planet. I'm in a really successful band. What it means in relationships is, yeah, I'm just not that into you.

Bad boy: A bad boy is just a bad boy. Stay away. If you're dating somebody that's a bad boy, that's just your fault. If you say "my boyfriend's kind of a bad boy," I feel bad for you. If you say, "I like bad boys" well, then I don't feel bad for you. If you say, "I like things that don't work." Okay, good for you. Generally, guys with low self-esteem aren't worth the trouble. They're just not.

The Dog Pound
Question: So how do you screen for dogs? Answer: You just don't let him be a dog. Your standards are so high you don't let him be a dog. You can't be played if you're not playing. What I want to say that is so key for everybody to get. Nobody—even if a dog has been a dog. He has been head of the pound. Head of the dog pound. If he meets the right person, he will change his dog pound ways. He just will.

Question: How can I tell if he thinks I'm worth it? Answer: If the guy thinks you're worth it, he will do whatever is necessary if he thinks you're worth it. All the guys are nodding. Because he raised the bar and he wants to raise the bar to meet you where you are, if he thinks you're worth it. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. He's just not that into you. And you—we all—should have another standard.

Quick post on last night

Last night, I went to my first (2ND- Saw Erykah Badu my first year in the Chi) concert as an adult- it's amazing what a good paying job and a Master card can do for a brotha- Well, last night I spent 2 hours kicking it with the rymes of Common- I guess I've kind of been sleeping on the brotha because today I went to his website and peeped a few other websites for his lyrics and this cat is deeeepppppp & confusing ...I'm a lil pissed that homophobia is so heightned in hip hop and that Common used to be "fag" this and "fag" that- anyman who uses the word is a moron- that's some shyt I down right hate. but, check this shyt out, Common tried to flip the shyt on his “Between Me, You & Liberation,” Common soberly tells of a friend coming out of the closet to him, and the emotions he experienced while listening.

“So far we’d come, for him to tell me / As he did, insecurity held me / ’Til his spirit yelled help me,” Common rhymes. “How could I judge him? Had to accept him if I truly loved him / No longer, he said, had he hated himself / Through sexuality he liberated himself.”

what the hell is this about- was real excited about this concert until i figured out Common but be a dl homophobe-