Wednesday, June 15, 2005

In Denial or Rattling Thoughts

Maybe I'm asking for too much- I don't know- I do know that I know me- and perhaps my Mentor was right, maybe I will drive a man crazy because I require too much- want/ desire too much and I'm never satisfied- too vulnerable maybe?- most likely I am- So, so what I want someone to be totally naked with me- so what I want a brotha whos going to work and come home and want to make dinner with a brotha- so what I like to hug and want to know everything about a brotha from how many ass whippings he got as a kidd, to the first person he had sex with to the last, and my place within that- maybe I want to think that I'm the best lover he's ever had- even though I'm not and I'm affected when I find out that I'm not- but life goes on- I scream, shed a few tears, cuss you out, get a little defensive but then break down- so fucking what---- just tell the truth- I'm a big boy- I will get over it eventually- I just want to feel like I can totally trust someone without secrets or whatever- I mean were going to judge each other- its just human nature- So, I'm not even going to sit here and act like I'm not and that's hard to know that your revealing/uncovering yourself/ standing before me naked/ but hey it makes things stronger- it allows me- it allows you- the opportunity to know exactly what I'm/ your getting into-

I mean come on, did any of us learn from the lessons of Pinocchio? I guess not- I continue to lie to myself about the fact that "the situation" I'm in romantically is going to go somewhere- when really my gut is telling me that it's not- yet and still I'm suprised at how much I hurt when I find out the truth, but yet and still I want, I urn for the truth- for a way for me to know that someone anyone, that one person in this life can be totally and completed honest with me- can give me a full disclosure of the events of their life- be raw, naked, with me- so then perhaps maybe I also can be revealed- discovered, unclothed, unashamed and unembarrased- this is what I urn for- for the time where I can be me- free to be me- all of me- not the good me- nor the bad me- nor the indifferent me- simply free to be all of me- until then I guess we will all walk around with big ass noses even though we don't see them or maybe we do, we simply pretend that their not there

1 comment:

Tim said...

OK I'm a silent reader, but I just gotta say real quick, I'm right there with you man. I do want the same things but most niggas don't want that. Most niggas don't want quality, especially in Chicago. I would love to cook for a brotha...spend time with a brotha...spend quality time with a REAL brotha, not a "date". But for real tho, most niggas just want to play games, screw and go on to the next one.