Friday, June 24, 2005

Truth Is

The truth is that I don't like myself- I hate the fact that I'm gay- it's another way of me being "different"- All this time I'm been seeking for the truth outside of myself when in essence the truth is within me- laying dormant in a cave awaiting for me to turn on the light and see the writing on the wall- I'm an unhealthy person- I don't have any self esteem or self worth- I put myself into dangerous situations and wonder why bad things happen to me- I don't love myself- I was never taught how-

I'm so ashamed of myself... of what I've become- I used to say I wanted to make the world a better place for the next young man like myself but how can I do that when I haven't faced my own demons- how can I do anything to make my family proud? Am I just another "faggot"? Honestly, I don't know- I try to be a man of caliber, a man of strength, but deep deep down inside I feel so inadequat- I feel ashamed of myself- of what I've allowed other people to do to me/ what I've done to other people- How can I possible have a relationship with someone when I have no respect for myself? These are all the questions that are going through my head- On top of all this breakthrough- I'm scheduled to help out with "Black gay pride" next weekend- I don't know if I'm going to be able to contribute-

I've always heard people say the truth will set you free- well I hope releasing this truth will set me free from the pain, anguish, and embarrassment I feel-

Sometimes I find myself saying maybe I derseved it- maybe i deserved to be "spoiled" "tampered" "violated" "betrayed" "lost"

I don't know........

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Now is the time to take time for yourself. In that, I mean that everything that you do should be to help you and you only. I've been in this same hole that you are in. It took me years to realize that I would never get out the hole unless I helped myself. You can't pull everybody else out while you are pulling yourself out. You got to take care of you first. Drop everybody else and do for you. I know that this sounds selfish, but trust me cause I have been there. If you wanna talk, email me at nlt624@aol.com. There are a thousand other things that I could tell you, but there is not enough space.

SmilingOnThaDL said...

Yeah, its something in the air because I'm going through very similar emotions. Last week, I put myself into a very dangerous situation.. not once, not twice, but three times.

The situation that are negative in our lives, happen for a reason. They give us testimony. One of my life motto's is "Lifting as I climb." There will always be obstacles that we need to overcome. And everytime we overcome these obstacles it makes us stronger. Stronger for the person who is weaker than us, in order for us to help them out. You have amazing talents waiting to touch someones life.

I believe "love will set you free." I need to focus more on my self-love in efforts to heal and know what I am worth. Its hard not being able to looking in the mirror and firmly know who your looking at.

Brotha EMO, stay strong! You are in my prayers