The truth is that I don't like myself- I hate the fact that I'm gay- it's another way of me being "different"- All this time I'm been seeking for the truth outside of myself when in essence the truth is within me- laying dormant in a cave awaiting for me to turn on the light and see the writing on the wall- I'm an unhealthy person- I don't have any self esteem or self worth- I put myself into dangerous situations and wonder why bad things happen to me- I don't love myself- I was never taught how-
I'm so ashamed of myself... of what I've become- I used to say I wanted to make the world a better place for the next young man like myself but how can I do that when I haven't faced my own demons- how can I do anything to make my family proud? Am I just another "faggot"? Honestly, I don't know- I try to be a man of caliber, a man of strength, but deep deep down inside I feel so inadequat- I feel ashamed of myself- of what I've allowed other people to do to me/ what I've done to other people- How can I possible have a relationship with someone when I have no respect for myself? These are all the questions that are going through my head- On top of all this breakthrough- I'm scheduled to help out with "Black gay pride" next weekend- I don't know if I'm going to be able to contribute-
I've always heard people say the truth will set you free- well I hope releasing this truth will set me free from the pain, anguish, and embarrassment I feel-
Sometimes I find myself saying maybe I derseved it- maybe i deserved to be "spoiled" "tampered" "violated" "betrayed" "lost"
I don't know........