Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Me and My g/f

Damn, I got the bug! Yep, although, I went and got a flu shot two weeks ago somehow, I caught some type of virus or something. But feeling alot better, been down and out since Saturday... but feeling alot better...

Also, not much been up with me, been spending alot of time with CuteandShort, we're going to get tested together on World Aids Day.. and we have really bonded alot.. don't think I've ever met a woman like her before- it's crazy how she has ALL my attention when I'm with her and she's so sweet and considerate... she's like I ain't got to be gay, bi, or straight, just be me and that's enough for her.. that shyt is hot!

Oh, yeah Me & ThatDude had dinner the other day, it was very nice... we went out to eat and than caught a movie, our first date... and why after we had sex like last week did I feel guilty?

CuteandShort is putting that thang on me and we ain't even fucked yet.. it's crazy... but she is a real real lady.....

So, looks like for now it's me and my girlfriend... or it might be me and my girlfriend and my part time boyfriend.. but right now it's definetely me and my girlfriend...

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Last Journal entry


Either I have multiple personalities or one hell of a story to tell...


The scale lies & the mirror laughs
as I silently hold the cravess that you once held as u kissed me & said that u loved me
now that love is not near
because i gained weight, maybe a few pounds & i am no longer what turns u on..

so i order a hamburger, fries, and cake to comfort the tears- my eyes & the tightening in my chest I do what only I can do.. I eat.. gluttony is my sin
but i still love u
my gluttnous ways lead love away & rolls to the side of my thighs and waist line


I'm so high.. just drank some warm milk n listening to Phyllis Hyman.. so I'm ready for bed...

Old journal entries

Cleaning through my papers and found some journal entries I'd written and before I though the journal away, figured I would type them on here and at least be able to access them when I need to reflect later. The next like 15 post will all be old journal entries.


I visited Sweetness today also met Unconquerable. He's kewl. We hung out for a little bit.

I'm very stressed out over work

Can my play have a heterosexual character revenging the death of his brother to "there will be no more killing of faggots"

I'm lonely

Hot didn't call me back- He doesn't love me anymore or does he?

I've committed to reading & writing every night.

I have to get my life together.

Got to bring the sunshine in my life- Phyllis Hyman- got to let the clouds go by-

What am I to do about my professional relationships?

Is it to late to fix my mistakes?

Will I ever find someone to love me?

I want to cry, will tonight be the night that I let my sorrow show?


For the last few days, I've been feeling sorry for myself or maybe I'm getting depressed don't really know- all I do know is that I'm lonely as hell. Yep, I'm catching hell living here all alone. I miss Hot, yet I won't be happy & I don't make him happy. I haven't gotten any acting jobs & I feel like a failure- my job keeps me very busy yet drives me crazy---I'm still dealing with alot of madness...

8/1/06The thoughts have begun again- I'm feeling like I want to end it- to hurt myself so I will be no more but I persist- I convince myself that life is worth living although times are hard & I feel depressed. I miss Delena.

My soul needs comfort- it requires it & the voices in my head take me further & further away from reality.

I feel lost & alone.

I want & need love so badly, yet it scares me... I'm changing so rapidly, the voices cause so much chaos, I seek comfort in things I don't know.. I have faith that everything will work out.

Imagine life w/ one man who will love me completly
imagine that
imagine, nah live in dark rooms with candles almost so dim u can't see
all i ever wanted to do was fall in love w/ some man and have him fall in love with me.

I lay in my bed & think of all these visions of u...

Something has changed within me.. something is not the same...

Last night I attended a birthday party (HD's) & I couldn't find the right personality to really do what I normally do.. I had a few interesting conversations but for the most part I felt like an outsider--> I was either too fat, to masculine or just not bougie enough--> the party which was VERY diverse, although in my head it seemed like a Will & Grace affair (all the men seemed to be gay and the women straight) the funny thing is the women were commanding more of my attention. At any rate, towards the end of the night I whispered to the birthday boy "I have a present for you but you'll have to wrap it"- he smiled & said/replied "Ok, I'll have to unwrap it"- blame it on bad hearing or the alcohol.. anyway this morning, I woke up & my feelings have changed for him & I'm not sure that I can fullfill my promise. I'm not exactly sure what to do- But, I do know I probably can't go through with it.

Sometimes I don't feel good enough. I constantly ask myself why I feel this way & a million questions come to mine & i think there are things I do to protect myself from getting hurt like not working out b/c I feel like even if I had a nice body, people still wouldn't like me or that I still wouldn't be good enough & the rejection would hurt too bad- butit wouldn't destroy me- So, I think I need to start working out & being disciplined for me & then start to think about people who will like me b/c I have a nice body who don't like me now as I am..

Basking in the the moonlight I am forced to comfort the reflection of my own shadow

I'm unable to sleep
afraid that the visions in my mind with wildly unravel inside my skull & bring about my demise.

To comfort not to silence the voices in my head.. I come to paper & pencil instead..

I blazed the joint & I looked in your eyes and I knew you weren't the one for me...

They had a rough daddy
Daddy was raising them prior to civil rights... when they were still hanging niggahs...

AmI going to die someday??? yes, but youw ill first live

As my father smoked cocaine up his nose I learned... I come to pen & paper .. there the melody flowed...

I'm trying desperately to change & to accept the things I cannot change

I just woke from a nightmare where someone a man (Black) was tryingto shoot me.

I got in my car & he asked me something I replied I got to go & he pulled out a gun
We struggled over the gun
I got tit away from him
I threw it out the window
still struggling, he demanded that I return the gun to him
having not thrown the gun far enough
soemhow he is trying to get it w/ his fot
he says your going to give it to me..
I hit the gas and I wake up

This is/was my nightmare...

The man in the dream was familiar.. I didn't know him, but he reminded me of someone.. he had that same crazy look as the guys I've seen at the park

I'm scared... I don't like being alone.. I wanted to call Hot- but I didn't- he made it clear that he has a lover.... I'll have to get through this alone...

Today, I found mself feeling ugly.. comparing myself to others- not feeling good enough- lacking love- struggling with my own self worth & esteem
comfort sits idle as I want to cry but no tears come
I try desperately to love myself
only to find remorse and sadness..
being apologetic for "my sickness" but knowing & realizing that I am what I am..
a black man (lonely) on a constant battle for self love

8/21/06 Just got home , showered, now in bed.. today I decided that I would gain some decency.. In the past I have and have not had any...

Also today I realized that my relationship w/ Hot is really over & that Delena is dead- she's gone..& she's not coming back...

I need to get my credit togeth and will buy a condo next year..

Monday, November 06, 2006

Ball of Confusion

Today, I find myself surrounded around a ball of confusion, as the Temptations once sang... the world.. my life is nothing but a ball of confusion today and as I unravel it, in the midst of raveling my hair, I find that there is something inside me that is causing this disorder in my life. it has always been there, it's just now it has really shower itself to me- it is my anger, my hurt, my rage, my adaondment and my bitterness towards life and those who are around me. I like to think myself as being optimistic however, today i find that with the dandruff on my shoulders that my world has spun out of control and I haven't always been the "good" person I portray to be, and that's why on some level this unfornatate series' of events keeping snowballing into my life, even as I stay on the race course and continue to strive to be a man, hopefully the man I'm supposed to be, but at the same time, there is something in my that must be released. It must be sacrificed and I surrender it, this./ myself to the light in search of enlightment, forgiveness, and ask for forgiveness from those who blinded I've wounded.

Last night, I was watching a tape that my ex and i made, and as I sat and listen to myself it hit me that i had wronged this brotha, and that he had wronged me that here we were, both wounded in this emotionally abusive relationship and neither of us would let go. we both choose to embrace our dreadfull behavior and to blame the other for the missed up, on goings, when it was me- who had it twisted. i always longed for someone else to love me and make me complete and know i realize that noone is responsible to make my nightmares go away but me... i am the only one who can make me happy.. who can complete me... it time for me to start loving me... it's weird because i'd always thought i did, but i didn't, i would change for others, cut my hair, lose weight, gain weight to feel safe- to find comfort in the storm instead of crying the tears that wanted to slap my face with their wetness. with their salty flavor.. and i wasn't man enough to let that happen.. i would occasionally let one or two fall but then compose myself and tell myself secretly to shut up and stop crying.. it was this voice that had eaten the womb right out of me, that had stole my backbone and brought the bullet colliding with my left leg. it was me. it was the demon in me. the negative energy. this possession has gotten too deep and i urge for peace and release more now than ever. it is today that i find the courage to let my anger boil, to let my rage unleash, to allow my heart to beat in whatever way it wants.. and today i learn to finally breathe. and i have every right to be angry. my mother was abused and noone helped her. i was then abused and forced to do things against my will and for that i'm not only angry I'm PISSED! I am an angry black man, although I've always tried to prove that I wasn't but the truth is that I am.... and this anger has consumed me- it has lit an overwhelming intense fire within my soul and only my tears will end its wrath..... i want to cry. i will let myself cry, i will release the pain and pressure from my left hip and just breathe... but i'm also afraid....but i will... i will have courage.. i will pray- say my buddhist prayer and i will move like i've never moved... will allow myself to sit still and to feel all the fury that has festered within my being and that so deeply needs to be extinguished but needs and deserves to be expressed.. this time it will be.. what it is... and i will allow it to have full expression over which it's time is long overdue.... i also am regretful that it has taken me so long to come to this realization....... it's time for the confusion to step forth and to be acknowledged. Confusion come forward cause I've been living in confusion long enough and its time for some clarity......

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Itching 4 a Scratch

How can I describe what has awoken in me. Hmm... I guess the basic way to put it although it may sound a little harsh.. for the past week I've been craving pussy! I swear. I don't know if it's because I'm loving that vibe that CuteandShort keeps giving me or because it just that time of the year or century.

The funny thing is we went out this past Thursday to this (straight) party and I had a really good time, I was like damn I've been missing out on all of this. Fine brothas, fine sistahs, and everyone is just partying and ain't no beef...

I was like I got to get back into this...

I mean I like men and all don't get me wrong and I will be honest before I sleep with a woman and let her know that I sleep with men... but why am I suddenly craving pussy????

I guess I got a itch and it needs to be scratched....

It's like one of my friends says I need to re-validate my bisexual card.... but how does a bisexual brotha find his place in an environment that kinda doesn't exist... noone walks around like i'm bisexual.. although the chicks be dancing with each other at the clubs.. and these are (straight) girls.. I will assume.. that shyt be making me hot!!!!!!

I had to back up to make sure I wouldn't wake u know how up... don't want to be walking around the party wit my dick on hard.... too much eye candy... and someone is going to be in trouble cause right now i'm going any way the wind blows and u guys know Chicago is the Windy City.....

so watch out ladies and brothas....

I'm fitten to find some space to freak.... watch out now.. and I got my box on Trojans tooo... :-)

Friday, November 03, 2006

Week of Absence

Damn, it's been just about a week since I've blogged... so much has happened within this past week, that I started over four blogs, but they all ended up not being what I wanted to express right now... I wanted to express me.. and my view of exactly who I am has changed over the past week... I realized that I need some type of spirituality in my life, so I've decided to once again study Buddhism, and will make it to the Buddhist Temple next Tuesday to learn how to chant. I think it doesn't even have to be said that my mind moves entirly too fast and some peace is much needed in that arena. I also visited a spiritual healer and learned that not only am I repressed this much I knew, but I have an enourmous amount of anger and rage pent up in my body, so next week I will be taking up boxing, wrestling, or some other kind of rough contact sport... I need to work it out... or as the spiritual healer said "you can't live with that"... although I have been.. but A change is going to come.... I also spent a great amount of time with ShortandCute... I swear were going to end up fucking... I'm soooooo attracted to hear and she's so easy to talk to.. it don't make no damn sense.... WEll, I'm going to go back to eating my chinese food and drinking my glass of white wine.. yall be safe have a good weekend and peace to everyone,..