Thursday, March 27, 2008

What if....

Yesterday, I went to church and heard this song.

What if this is what god really is

More ....
wonderful than my mind can conceive
more wonderful than my heart can believe
He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams
He's everything that my soul ever longed for

more than wonderful??

What if all this time i've been standing in my own way regarding my relationship with god...

maybe, just maybe i've been wrong...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

misc truths.....

The truth is...

as mush as i want to be with someone right now-- i need to be the man i want to be with
i finally sleep well at night
i miss my best friend-- she went to live with god 5 years ago two weeks ago
i love my fam
i love my freinds
i'm sad
i feel like i'm getting depressed
might be time to go back to the pysch
my job keeps me busy
i'm smart n yet dumb
i'm afraid
i need to go to church
i know some sorta connection- although i just feel like distancing myself from everything
there sthings about myself that i don't like
i'm hard on myself-- sometimes too much
i'm getting older and now i understand so much more n yet not enough
i really didn't like Cat on a hot tin roof
i want to be in love
i want to be a father
i've choosen to forgive my father
i loves my moms
and i've forgiven her for not loving me about when i was little
sometimes i still feel little although i weigh 216 pounds
my pouch makes me sick, yet i still think it's sexy
thick is in & i loves to eat
i used a condom last night
i love me
i feel pity for Left because i understand where he is at & i just feel sad that he cant love himself
my anger has turned to sadness
i'm proud of myself
i'm sleepy
its been so long since i've kissed his lips n i yearn for the taste of his saliva
i need to work on my self esteem
i often downplay or think that attractive men won't find me atttractive or i have nothing to offer
i sometimes think i'm boring
i'm a success n yet a failure
i try too hard
i need to relax
i think too much
i'm loved
i have so much growing to do
i miss who i used to be
but looking forward to the man i've become
i love him
i used to not love myself
my limbs are awkward
my hands n feet are out of sync with my body
my limbs keep me on top of the ground
my feet need to spawn out n relax--get wet in the water
i'm afraid to get hurt yet i know its inevitable
i cried the last time i held Left---
i can no longer love Left because he doesn't love himself
i love me more than any man i've ever met
i just lied
i still believe n romance n monogomy n love at 1st sight
i want to look into my mates eyes n see honesty--
my leg still hurts from when i got shot
my left foot barely touches the ground
my hips are awkward
my core is pretzeled
i'm untangling myself from the ropes which were my torment
the cords which were supposed to whisk my life away
yet i still breath
i'm happy that i'm still alive
i have hope
i believe in something better
in someone better-- maybe it's god but i refer to it as the universe
i have many angels watching over me
i'm bored
i urn for adventure
i love too hard
i dont trust easily
i have difficulty trusting myself & others
i've been hurt
i'm not good at what i would love to do
it's difficult for me to be truthful & truth is what i strive for


Left-- I'm leaving....

Why Does It Hurt So Bad

Monday, March 17, 2008


It's funny when in life something happens and you feel your heart breaking but right there in that moment you feel the truth-- you respect the truth and & just accept & move on....

This weekend, I spent some time with LeftmygirlinNewyork-- not sure if i revealed this before but somehow i ended up loving Left-- don't know, how when or where-- but i remember the first time i met him... at any rate, this weekend he told me that he's getting married--- and my heart sunk-- but i was like ok, dude always told me he had a girl... and as tears came to my eyes-- i realived that the inevitable had finally occured.. so this weekend i told him i loved him and although he couldn't tell me back because "it would make it real"- i said good bye and without malice, or hate, or disgust... just goodbye....n i'm ready for love--- for someone to love me and me love them back-- no more Mr. Unavailables-- the last song we hugged to was alicia keys and when it played i was like whoa the universe be on the money---- i hope Left is happy...... because i'm destined to be

Thursday, March 06, 2008

8 Messages & Why Friendship is Important

Today, I spent most of the day in training and than had a LATE night meeting. After my meeting I went out to dinner with some folks from my MAIN Corporate Office.

Everything went WELL!

I got home and checked my messages and I had EIGHT (8) messages on my voicemail. Thought some were work related but ALL ended up being from friends... TWO from my homie in New JErsey who I'm going to go see Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with, FOUR from my best friend in Chicago and one from an old friend in Chicago- the other ONE was from someone who may becoming a new FRIEND.

At any rate, my best friend called- I called him back first and today and got fired from his job because they found out that he doesn't have a US Citizenship. He was hurt, scared and concerned. Thank goodness he got married a few months ago and his wife knows everything (thank goodness he's not gay) At any rate, as I talked to my friend the pain in his voice went str8 to my gut- I hate when people i love are hurting and I could tell that he was in pain-- all i could do was listen and offer my love support and of course a bedroom here at my place- he accepted everything but the bedroom and i know he's a strong man so he will be fine... I will say a prayer for him and his wife tonight and keep him in my thoughts.

The other calls I really didn't get a chance to return but tomorrow I will return more calls... FRIENDSHIP is so important not only in one's time of need, but ALL the time.... Don't forget your friends... show them love not just today but everyday...

Love u RZ.... if u need me I'm here....

Monday, March 03, 2008

2 Tickets

Hey today, I went to work... cleaned out the cat's litter box and bought two tickets to check out Gem of the Ocean at the Kennedy Center--- So, tomorrow I will be going to check out one my favorite AW plays---- A brotha is going to shape it up and enjoy a night on the town---- all dressed up and some where to go....

Saturday, March 01, 2008


I'm sitten here listening to Tevin Campbell sing "Tell me What you want me to do"--- Tevin used to be the shyt!!!

At any rate, my dad called me this morning- I guess we are slowly developing some sorta relationship-- it's kinda weird because for so long when i was younger i wanted a relationship with him and now he's attempting to communitcate and I don't know how to react- on my hand it's a good thing-- but on the other i don't know what i want from him-- if i want anything at all... for the meantime i've decided to just let it be what it is and to just chill...