Papa Don't Preach

Yesterday, I finally came out to my father. The rest of my close family personally already knew because I told them eleven (11) years ago. But because my father and I never had a relationship he was the only one I hadn't personally told that I wasn't hetersexual.

The conversation went pretty well, partly based on the fact that someone from back home had ran my business thru the street and partly because I am finally at the point in my life where I am comfortable with the decisions I've made and at peace (for the most part) with the fact that my sexual oreintation was choosen years ago- even before I started pulling up little girls dresses and pinching little boys on the behind.

My father's response was one that I hadn't expected... it was true acceptance... he said that...
I'm grown and the decesions I make are mine
that he loves me no matter what
that Jesus loves me
that he's proud of the man that I've become
to not allow people to beat up on me or to beat up on myself because of my sexual orientation
that he always brags about the fact that i put myself through college
that he was always harder on me because i was he's son and that no matter what he loves me...

my father gave me a blessing that i've in some way urned for since childhood..... love...... now, if i can erase the fabrication that my parents don't love me.. maybe... just maybe i can love and accept love in return from my one and only....

if no one told you today...... somebody loves you.... and although my dad's now a pastor he sure didn't preach... and I thank god for that

DC Pride (?)

This past weekend was Pride here in DC- the city was run rampant with any and all kinds of homosexuals and although i have never felt truly part of this great event this year presented alot of growth for me.

For the first time it didn't bother me that every (and I do mean every) type of gay was there.

For the first time if some weren't there they would have been missed because maybe I'm just so immune or really just believe in letting everyone have a good time as long as they ain't fucking wit me.

At times I wished that others had somewhat of my attitude towards some of our brothas & sisters. I say this because the weekend in large was filled with people talking about other people wither it was such and such looks a hot mess or damn boys body is banging.. or they damn are they sick?... but the one thing that worked my nerves at the end of the weekend was the endless "sissy calling".... the murmurs of "the club is full of sissies" or "they are so many sissies out here" and I'm looking for a real man..

Personally, i think to get a "real man" you got to be one but hey, everyone's ideal of masculinity is different....and I mean, this weekend i saw a few lesbians who were more masculine than some of the brothas talking bout the wanted a real man and the "sissies" better not talk to them.... i guess the weekend in a few words might be called the celebration of the pot calling the kettle black--

in the end Shakespeare said it best "if we could see oursleves through others eyes oh, what a wonderful world it would be"......

misc truths.....

The truth is...

as mush as i want to be with someone right now-- i need to be the man i want to be with
i finally sleep well at night
i miss my best friend-- she went to live with god 5 years ago two weeks ago
i love my fam
i love my freinds
i'm sad
i feel like i'm getting depressed
might be time to go back to the pysch
my job keeps me busy
i'm smart n yet dumb
i'm afraid
i need to go to church
i know some sorta connection- although i just feel like distancing myself from everything
there sthings about myself that i don't like
i'm hard on myself-- sometimes too much
i'm getting older and now i understand so much more n yet not enough
i really didn't like Cat on a hot tin roof
i want to be in love
i want to be a father
i've choosen to forgive my father
i loves my moms
and i've forgiven her for not loving me about when i was little
sometimes i still feel little although i weigh 216 pounds
my pouch makes me sick, yet i still think it's sexy
thick is in & i loves to eat
i used a condom last night
i love me
i feel pity for Left because i understand where he is at & i just feel sad that he cant love himself
my anger has turned to sadness
i'm proud of myself
i'm sleepy
its been so long since i've kissed his lips n i yearn for the taste of his saliva
i need to work on my self esteem
i often downplay or think that attractive men won't find me atttractive or i have nothing to offer
i sometimes think i'm boring
i'm a success n yet a failure
i try too hard
i need to relax
i think too much
i'm loved
i have so much growing to do
i miss who i used to be
but looking forward to the man i've become
i love him
i used to not love myself
my limbs are awkward
my hands n feet are out of sync with my body
my limbs keep me on top of the ground
my feet need to spawn out n relax--get wet in the water
i'm afraid to get hurt yet i know its inevitable
i cried the last time i held Left---
i can no longer love Left because he doesn't love himself
i love me more than any man i've ever met
i just lied
i still believe n romance n monogomy n love at 1st sight
i want to look into my mates eyes n see honesty--
my leg still hurts from when i got shot
my left foot barely touches the ground
my hips are awkward
my core is pretzeled
i'm untangling myself from the ropes which were my torment
the cords which were supposed to whisk my life away
yet i still breath
i'm happy that i'm still alive
i have hope
i believe in something better
in someone better-- maybe it's god but i refer to it as the universe
i have many angels watching over me
i'm bored
i urn for adventure
i love too hard
i dont trust easily
i have difficulty trusting myself & others
i've been hurt
i'm not good at what i would love to do
it's difficult for me to be truthful & truth is what i strive for

Growth

It's funny when in life something happens and you feel your heart breaking but right there in that moment you feel the truth-- you respect the truth and & just accept & move on....

This weekend, I spent some time with LeftmygirlinNewyork-- not sure if i revealed this before but somehow i ended up loving Left-- don't know, how when or where-- but i remember the first time i met him... at any rate, this weekend he told me that he's getting married--- and my heart sunk-- but i was like ok, dude always told me he had a girl... and as tears came to my eyes-- i realived that the inevitable had finally occured.. so this weekend i told him i loved him and although he couldn't tell me back because "it would make it real"- i said good bye and without malice, or hate, or disgust... just goodbye....n i'm ready for love--- for someone to love me and me love them back-- no more Mr. Unavailables-- the last song we hugged to was alicia keys and when it played i was like whoa the universe be on the money---- i hope Left is happy...... because i'm destined to be