Wednesday, May 24, 2006

2nd Chance OR Aim I really OK?

Well I took a sick day today in order to go to the Doctor... about what I thought was a possible burning sensation from my well you know from where, from my Dick. So, I got up early this morning in order to run into the office and get a few things done, I always have deadlines and I know it was supposed to be a sick day but still... so for what ever reason my phone went out... well the power went out. Well at any rate, when I notice, upon leaving my office of course. I hit the on button to turn my phone back on and to my suprise there were not one, not two, not three messages, BUT four new messages- all that in less than 45 minutes.

So, I checked my messages, first two I knew the caller and I was like ok, I'll call them in a minute.. the third message was from someone named Cliff- and the message said to call him back at 555-555-5555- So I hit 8 to dial the number and someone picks up the phone so I ask for Cliff, I'm placed on hold, then suddenly, a male caller says Chicago Department of Health, this is Cliff.. and my heart starts beating really really fast... and I'm like this is Emobro and I'm returning your call and he asks for some verification information and I'm like well who are you and what do you need my personal info for (you know alot of scammers out there these days)- Well, he says he has some important information for me, but he can't disclose it without verfying my identity, so I go through the run around until I feel that we can come to a negotiation in terms of how to identify me- we finally accomplish this meager task and I'm told the important information- Someone you've been with in the last year, recently tested postive for a STD and we need you to come into do some blood work.. so now my heart is really pumping and I'm thinking blood AND STD AND well you know the big one... Hiv/AIDS... so I start asking 20,000 questions and Cliff finally says well the person tested postive for syphlis and we just want you to come in to get tested and obtain treatment..

Well I made an appointment for between 2:00-3:00- he told me to just get there by 3:00- so I get there and I tell the people someone called me because someone tested postive for a STD and I need to be tested.. well after looking at me like I was drunk or crazy, the nurse takes me in and drawls my blood... right after I feel out the registration and than I'm instructed to sit down and wait for the Doctor... 10 minutes later the counselour comes to talk to me.. he asks me about my sexual practices and if I want an Hiv test.. I breath really heavy scared as all hell and then agree to get tested..he pricks my finger and instructs me not to move... he then swipes the blood up and puts it in a cup.. for the next 20 minutes i end up sweating and asking a whole lot of questions... we talk about STD and their symptoms and then he ask me how many people I've been with in the last year and I'm like 5.... well shyt, at least I thought it was five until he asked me to write down their contact info so they could contact them to get tested... so I opened my cell phone and began writing... the list amounted to 9 negreos.... yeah I know I thought I said 5. and the funny thing is the counselor said these are all men where are the women.. on your form you indicated you sleep with both men and woman.. and I was like well haven't slept with a woman in over a year (might be time to re-validate that bisexual card)- at any rate, i just refuse to sleep with a woman without being honest.. so...

At any rate, the counselor finally ask me to look at my test results and he says you see the one line, that means your Hiv-, to which I let out a HEAVY sigh and thank the universe that I'm not Hiv+.. and this is my first Hiv test in 5 years... so I was a little worried especially after the whole Leacj fiasco... so anyway... I'm instructed to seat back in the waiting area until the Doctor is ready to see me...

Finally 15 minutes later the Doctor comes out, she greets me... leads me to a room where I'm re-informed on why am "here" and another series of questions.. "do you know why your here?" "How are you feeling", "when was your last hiv test?" etc etc etc... so she instruct me to take off my pants because I'm getting TWO shots in the ass even though my blood test came back negative for sphylis... I'm pissed but hey could be worse... so than she inpects me like I'm a slave up for auction just with a whole lot more respect... She instructs me to come back in 3 months for another test and tells me to take care of myself...

Well how do I feel, on one hand very relieved!!!!!! And I guess this is my second chance to make it better and to do the right thing..... I think I'm ok.. I hope I'm ok and I pray that I have the decency to protect myself and the future and hopefully one day I can meet someone to be with who will love me for me and be faithful... so I guess I have another chance and yes I'm OK..... thank goodness..........

Monday, May 22, 2006

What is this NEGRO thinking about?

If you've seen this picture you can imagine the look on my face. It's a 15 year old girl who is consesting her right to wear the Confederate flag and other clothing to school. And along side of her is who else than a Black Man, H.K. Edgerton, past chairman of the Southern Legal Resource Center's advisory board, and on the side, his sister playing the drum... now if that ain't one of the craziest things I've seen... talk about a backwards Negro..

Now, I believe as much as the next man in free speech and the right the freedom and liberty but if we going to allow them to wear the Conferderate flag to school than mindaswell, let the KKK come to the school and recruit students or let me wear a shirt that says (as much as I hate the word) CRACKER... this is craziness and for a brotha to be supporting her is such a punch in the face... he talking bout "She's made a stand for her Southland," said Edgerton. A former local NAACP leader in North Carolina, he is known for dressing up in Confederate gear to emphasize what he describes as the role blacks played in voluntarily supporting the South in the Civil War.

Now that's just plain backwards!!!!!!!


Questions and Importance..

Today as I seat in my big black comfortable chair looking out at painted walls (I hate the fact that my office doesn't have a window)- I constantly ponder one question? What really is important in life? Is it money, love, happiness, great sex, bragging, rights...

is it the need for me to see the Dr. cause I think I might have a but it's the truth... shyt hoping I don't have gnorrhea again.. and planning on going to the clinic this afternoon... I'm hoping I don't have anything but I know my body and something ain't right.. so most likely later tonight I'll be getting a shot in the ass... uhhhh... anyway.. (had to get that off my chest.. damn I feel better now) .....

So, I've been reading blogs all morning and taking occasionally visitors as well as well answering the, I know there are certain things I need to accomplish before the end of the day but dammnit I don't feel like it today.. I should have stayed home.. but I couldn't think I'm going to take a personal day on Wednesday.. or maybe a Sick Day cause I got 5 of them left and well if my instincts are right... I will techincally be sick... cause my dick wil be running.. by my sad morbid personality strikes again...I'm so paranoid about this .. I mean who knew getting head could make ur dick sick.... DAMNIT... I told myself to make sure I always wore condoms even when I'm just getting some OR (Oral relations for those of u who don't know) but I let my guard drop and now I'm getting that urethea feeling and no my dick isn't burning yet.. and I hope it doesn't start... hopefully this is all in my mind and I really don't have anything but then again I might.. damn I don't feel like them sicking that fucking squab up my dick today... damn, but i know i got to go get this checked out...

and I alreayd told Dude, that I think i got suttin.. and if i got it then he got it, or maybe that Mofo gave it to me.... but who knows... at any rate, he's the one who got me worrying cause he said i pee too much and i probably got a urinary infection.. and i was like how the hell i get that and if i got it then u got it cause u sucked me off the other night... and damn i'm angry... i don't know what i'm doing or even if i'm doing the right thing.. so many thoughts ramage thru my head as I'm trying to understand this world that i live in... the world that has no place for me but constantly my thoughts cascade into dreams allowing me to believe that I am different.. that I am special and that I have every right that every other man has... but then I'm reminded that I don't... I can't get married, which I think it important... I'm attracted to men.. and many of the men I'm attracted to won't allow me to love them or show PDOE (Physical deplays of affection) Dude included... Last night he asked me, "have you every been in a situation and you feel like your giving all you can and it's not enough..??" and I was like "yeah"... so he changed the conversations.. 10 minutes later I caught on and said "Do you feel like that's what we are or have??" He was like "nah"... but I know I ask for "too much"-- one frind of mines says that I have Tall orders.. and I admit i do. because i am emotionally deficient and i crave the possibilty of meeting someone who will fullfill me... my emotional sense as well as everything else...sometimes i wish i could change but i cant i am... what i am.. a vulnerable. volatile, emotional brotha.. that will never change i suppose... my mentor used to say that i would drive any man crazy.. to some point that is true.. and maybe if i wasn't this way maybe i would be happy... maybe i would have someone in my life.. and i have to constantly ask myself an I sabotoging myself or presuing things and people who i know won't make me happy... because after all i have never been how would i possibly function if i was happy.. but yet and still i constantly hear myself telling myself that i want to be happy... and i really do... and yet and still it scares me.. its like love... i want it so bad but it scares me to death....

speaking of, yesterday while watching logo this chick said Fear weakens us... ain't that some powerful shyt.. fear.. giving into out fears weakens us... and i guess in the last few weeks i have been attempting and facing some of my fears and i am engrossed with quiet reminders everyday of the pain that i have escaped or dealt with in the past... I.e Dude and I were talking and he is extremely conservative and I am well more liberal because i just feel like i should be able to do what i want to do.. if i want to kiss u i should be able to or if i want to hold ur hand or if i want to send u roses or love letters.. or drop u by a present..or well marry u... or hold u close in my arms and never let go.. cause i am.. well Romantic.. and i want so badly someone to do those things with.. someone who i will allow myself and they will allow me to do those things with and I don't know if I'm just wasting my time on Dude... cause I understand more or less some folks on PDOE.. but when we are in doors.. we should be able to be together.. together.. and be affectionate.. and I'm not getting that... he says that I'm scarying him because he's not out and he's not as comfortable with himself as I am... I'm just always working on me.. so... if that's comfortable i guess... but too me I have so much more to conquer... well... Dude and I had a long conversation the other day about well I guess life... sexuality.. comfortablity.. being "out" being "closeted".. being "safe" the movement.. and my position is somewhat assertive aggressive.. I'm not the leader of the gay pride parade but my mother and family knows (well everyone except my father becuz I don't have a relationship with him) and any one I consider a friend knows becuz how can you be a friend, we had this long convo and I'm like well I feel like I should be able to do anything str8 guys do... affection wise and he was like str8 people don't do that.. and I'm like bullshyt that do when they talk about their girlfriends or wives, and when they wear wedding rings, and hug, kiss, hold hands, by clothes and lingere and send roses and flowers and gifts and alot of other things.. and I feel like I should be able to do the same even though these things would be for another man... love is love... and we got to talking about white privelege and I was like well str8 people have heterosexual privelege and he was like baby "it is what it is" and I was like don't make it right.. and what if our ancestors thought that way.. what if Martin and Malcolm and Langston and James And Rosa thought that way....and he was like it takes time baby.. and I'm like nah, I would rather die for something that to live for nothing...

And this morning that has me thinking am I living for nothing or am I willing to die for something.. this thought ruputured the inside of my brains and caused my sides to hurt like i needed to vomit as I read blog after blog about homophobis peeps and coming out stories and hatred and dispair and grief.. and I'm on the journey of releasing my grief... cause in the world's of floerty "it was a heavy load"... and I love the guy i used to be.. everystep he took was reaching out to me...(go pick up their lastest cd, it's nice....) at any rate, my head is filled with worries.. and i think I better get some work done....

Thursday, May 18, 2006


I just got home from the gym (yeah baby work out day four) so I'm sitting here eating some tuna fish and oodles of noodles... one can of tune a half pack of Oodles and noodles.. can't believe i'm eatin these shyts cause thought after college i wouldn't eat not one more pack cause i survived of ten cent oodles in noodles n my bmore n philly days...

Ay any rate, today while working out I peeped some of the other guys bodies.. and i was like damn dude got nice pecs, nice arms there, damn look at all that ass.. and i started to peice together what i would look like once i keep and maintain my exercise schedule... i wish i could say one day i would look like this....--->

I could paste a hundred pictures up here of mens bodies who i would like to have (and in more ways than but the one thing i've learn throughout the last few days is that i can only compete with myself.. i cant compete with other guys and my body will fill and and develop the wat it's supposed to.. i just cant pick out a picture in a magazine and say in six months i'm going to look like this because my build is different from other peoples builds,, and i'm not 21 anymore either my skinny boy days are over...

So i guess...I don't know what i will look like... and futher more i dont know what or whom i'm's seems as if everyday i'm experiencing all kinds of different emotions.. and memories and feelings.. things i haven't felt for so long...and last night it almost happened.. i almost cried myself to sleep as i breathed into my pelvis and allowed the sorrow of yesterday to release itself from my chest and i woke up this morning and i drowled all over my pillow... (yuck-- but i sleept good)... i know where i've been.. i know where i'm at (well at least sometimes) and i'm going somewhere with or without my mind.. cause after all i lost if a long time ago.... most days i feel hope, when i used to feel desperation... most days i feel overwhelmed but i still come out on top.. one thing for sure and that is i've always gotten through and i continue to face adversity and still suceed.. so ...i guess i'm doing ok... the only thing i worry about is if i'm doing what i'm supposed to be.. i'm hoping all this confrontation of the past isn't in vain and will help me to understand who i am (yep all 50 or more of me- yes, a brotha knows he's a lil psicsko... but knowing is half the battle) i only hope that i am transforming into the Man i'm supposed to be....but i guess only time will tell.....

Remembrance of my 1st

Last week, I was in the middle of a conversation with someone and somehow my sexuality came up, or kinda like the question was posed like was I born "gay" or did I get "turned" out or exactly what happened that has assisted and spiraling the events of me being in Chicago and being who and what I am and how I got to the point where I stand in the fire but not exactly too close.. and as I thought about it..... my eyes begin to tear and I softly murmered it started with "love".. I fell in love with this guy and in those moments I knew my life had changed for ever.. it would no longer be the wife, the kids, the white house and picket fence.. it would be.. well I didn't exacly know and even today on many levels I don't know... I constantly dream both asleep and awake of how it could. should.might be... but I can only dream... and this man... this first love was a man of the cloth.. So, we will call him PreacherinTraining.

How did it begin? Let's see... I was sixteen at the time, and after unsuccessfully trying to kill myself, I was sent to live back with my mother because my crackhead daddy couldn't take the pressure of raising his own complicating child along with the other 7 kids he married into.. (BASTARD) but at any rate, so I went back to live with my mother.. and well it was that time of year.. Fall.. the leaves were falling, the sky was bright, I think it was actually an Indian Summer that year cause the seasons seemed to last for longer than usual... well.. it was time to start school and this would be my 1st year in high school back in my hometown (my father lived in the town over)... well i couldn't attend school that first day because my records were delayed, so i chilled around the house and waited with anxiety my first official day of high school... the day came LATE... or at least it seemed an entirety... I got up early that morning,, showered, dressed (put on my NEW school clothes) and headed out for school... the first thing I did was go to the office after walking with some freinds for over a mile.. (you had to live more than 2 miles away from the school to take the bus.. so...) at any rate, got to the office saw some familiar and unfamilair faces.. and then and there I recieved my schedule... it was on a thin piece of paper and I finally found my way to first period english... I opened the door... slowly walked in because after all I was late and a day late at that.. and it was then and there that I saw him.. that my eyes opened and my heart stopped.. it was then my whole world was changed.. it seemed like minutes had gone by with me looking in his eyes, and when time caught back up, I blushed.. walked to the front of the room, introduced myself to the teacher and was giving a seat two seats behind PreacherinTraining.... all morning I could fell him looking at me, but I declined to entertain what I was feeling... because this feeling couldn't be real... this couldn't be happening to me.... this could be it....and it it was.. and fate had it that no matter how much I tried to resist this man would be a part of me.. and opportunity had a way of presenting itself.. comes out there were no more lockers available and Preacher volunteered to let me share his... this would be the first of many things that became shared between two adolescent boys.. among others.. secrets, lies, lust, disappointment, regret, tears........ and a quadrum of other things... well this feeling went on for months.. and we would exchange numbers and become study buddies.. and we would end up talking to the wee hours of morning me with the pillow over my face so no one could hear our conversations... it was then I started to dream about being with this other man.. this boy... it was than that I started to imagine how it would be to kiss another guy... and the only time we really saw each was in school and two young black guys kissing in the locker room was soo not me back then... although I would look at him when we took a shower.. and i must admit i didn't only look at him but other boys also... but it was he who opened my world to the posssibilty of reaching out... of expressing this was he who would later break my heart after providing me with my very first same sex kiss.. it was he who would allow me to dream... to feel a variety of thoughts and feelings.. it was he who later would break my heart prompting me to once again consider ending my life.. only to have the courage to continue living although I would cry myself to sleep every night.. it was this man... who would teach me to defy the odds of what everyone sad to me.. because this man told me he loved me,... only to leave me for a white older man who had money and all I had to offer was love... it would be this man.. who I had such a deep emotional connection for.. who even after i found out that although he wasn't sleeping with me cause the lord... he was sleeping with everyone else... it would be after one day being the man he loved and longed for later being casted out as the "devil trying to steal his soul".. it would be this that prompted me to fall to my knees and pray ( a brotha wasn't always a non-believer)... it was this man that i loved.. that i continued to love... it was this man.. that I would later learn to stop loving and to one day begin loving myself.. it was this non-sexual man... this christian man...this expereince that on some level made me the man i am today... the conflicted love without sex but the need for sex.. for me to puch my dick inside of u and give u all this pain, all this grief, and hapiness, and hurt, and pain.. to give u all of me.. and for u to take it and hold me when i'm weak when i'm storng, when i so desperately want to be straight but know my heart loves across the borders of anything that society will allow me too.. it was this man...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Well, I'm dating (not exculsively, but just the same dating) Dude... and I actually spent Mothers Day with him and the three kids that he's raising, which was nice.. a little overwhelming but.. all the same nice.. so Dude brought a few things up to my attention like: I'm self centered, a Selfish lover, that I think it's all about me.. and I was like really?? to which I was like well ok.. and then he said i was controlling which to a point i am... so then he said for example, last night you were like jhold me, get under the blanket baby, come here baby, baby rub my so I guess I am a little selfish however, all i know how to do is communicate my needs.. emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, etc... and he has to communicate his needs otherwise I don't know if he needs something and I'm not giving it to him.. so anyway i went and worked out..

Last night, while working out (yeah baby Day 3) I had an ephiphany- well a breakthrough I suppose, and here it is...

Well for most of my life, I've felt alone in some way, I've always looked outside of my self or relied on freinds or family to "help" me through- all in all in the end I was always filled with disappointment. It seemed as if someone was always disappointing me and further more that I was disappointing someone else of myself and last night as I released the tension from my back I started mumbling "I'm responsible for me, no one is going to take care of you, but you- Noone can make me feel safe besides myself" "I'm responsible for me, no one can make me feel free but myself"- This thoughts/murmers/ mumbles hit me hard- there it was the thing that for so long I've craved.. SAFETY- the one thing that I've always looked for outside of myself LOVE the one thing I could only give to my self TRUST/FAITH is what in these seconds I realized I have inside of me, and that I don't need anyone else to fulfill my deficiencies. and yes I'm a very defiecient person.. and for so long I was attracted and allowed myself to be around people who I hopes whould give me love, safety, trust, faith only to be disappointed because the safety, trust, love, and faith that I need(ed) is the ones that my parents didn't give me, and inside me are a thousand little boys crying for those things, and now is the time that I take each one in the fathers arms.. in my own arms and hold them and make them safe.. now is the time that I have to go and bring them home-- to me, to the one person who loves them more than anyone else.. as hard as it is... I love me.. and all this time here I was and I'm sure in the future I will have times where I foget but I'm responsible for me, for fullfilling my needs, maintaining my health and sanity... and noone is going to make right the wrongs of my past/ of the tortureous nights left behind in a small town in the middle of New Jersey... of all the screams and cries and pants and praying that remain underanswered and all and alone I am the answer.. I am my own Messiah.. not Oprah.. or some fantasy man... I am enough for me... the universe never sends us anything we cant handle and will never break us down to the point that we just cant get back up--- it is now in this time that i learn forgiveness of myself and others.. and i have to start with me... i forgive me.... for the dark nights.. for the lonely nights..for the abuse and being abusive, for the lust, and the strangers and the lies for crying when i should have fought back for everything that has hurt myself and other people... i want to cry, i need to cry, i will allow myself to cry... it's time to cry... please oh please.. let the healing begin..

Monday, May 15, 2006

Nurture or Nature- Leave it up to my nose to decide- A new study

Today, I read another new story/study about what else than my favorite topic: Human sexuality... interesting stuff.. The story follows below: Let me know what you think..

Revealed: how scent of a woman attracts lesbians
Ian Sample, science correspondent
Tuesday May 9, 2006
The Guardian

Sex pheromones, the chemicals some scientists believe waft off the body to help attract sexual partners, are processed differently in the brain depending on our sexuality.

Using a brain scanning technique called positron emission tomography, scientists found that a potent chemical lurking in male sweat causes a rush of electrical activity in the brains of straight women and gay men, while lesbians and straight men treat it like any other common odour.

Ivanka Savic, a neuroscientist at the Stockholm Brain Institute who led the study, said the finding suggested specific brain circuits were engaged when we were exposed to chemicals we found sexually stimulating. She added that the scans did not reveal whether sexual behaviour was learned or hard-wired in our brains at birth.

In the study, three groups of 12 volunteers, including lesbians, heterosexual women and straight men, were asked to sniff a variety of odours. They included odourless air, four common scents and a chemical, known as androstadienone (AND) that is 10 times more abundant in male than female sweat and is suspected of acting as a male pheromone.

After smelling the odours, the volunteers were given brain scans that revealed which regions of their brains had the greatest increase in blood flow, a measure of how much they had been stimulated. The scans showed that after sniffing AND, a region of the brain called the anterior hypothalamus lit up in heterosexual women and gay men.

The brain scans of lesbian women and straight men showed a marked difference after sniffing the male sweat chemical, however. Brain scans revealed activity increasing in parts of the brain called the piriform cortex and amygdala, which are believed to light up when the brain processes any odour.

The researchers also found that lesbians and heterosexual men responded in the same way to a potential female pheromone called EST. Brain scans showed that clusters of neurons lit up in the brains of both groups when they smelled the odour, which were not activated in heterosexual women.

"This is the first study to show that these chemicals can activate specific brain circuits," Dr Savic said. The study appears today in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

I think this study is again another peice of the puzzle for those of us who have ever wonder "Are people borne gay or is it a learned behavior"..

Will post more about this later..

Friday, May 12, 2006

My New Resource

Today is... well a rainy day here in Chicago. And although I had some real good sleep last night with some moderately good sex right before, although I ended up sleeping alone cause Dude had to go to work, I'm feeling a little lonely.

But, got a first blast of my new resource

Man, this newspaper is the bomb!

I get updates via e-mail with top stories like the 5 mayoral canidates and their stand on gay marriage and gay rights - so yo if you live in DC look out for these two candidates Marie Johns, Adrian Fenty- Mr. Fenty is a cutie pie, so watch out for him and Ms. Johns is also a cutie with a buzz cutt, so watch out for her- but the point and reason is that both of these candidates support FULL gay marriage and that's what's up and I mean shyt they might convince a brotha to move back to the East Coast, I need to get back in my own waters anyway- so... you never know.. but not into another year or two-- speaking of can you believe I've been in the Chi going on 5 years? Yep, this straight up East Coast brotha continues to do the DAMN thing, right here in the bloody Backward Nah, it ain't that bad- I mean you just got to get in where you fit in, and I was actually thinking about becoming political.. alot of folks say that's what's wrong.. young people aren't political enough and EVERYTHING is political!

At any rate, at this time, also have to spread some knowledge on today's IDIOT of the day: Mr.
Dumbass himself Alfred Owens Jr. (A DC Minister who refered to gays as "sissies" and ah "faggots" .. Can you believe that shyt)

How you going to be a "man" of "god" and just be straight up hatefull?? People like this need a can of whomp ass busted out on them and well....... I'll let ur imagination soar on that one....don't want to use too much energy on this jerk but check it out.. how you going to make the following statement in or out of public for that matter??

"It takes a real man to confess Jesus as Lord and savior," Bishop Alfred A. Owens Jr., pastor of Greater Mount Calvary Church in Northeast D.C., told his congregation in his Good Friday sermon.

"I’m not talking about no faggot or no sissy," "Wait a minute! Let the real men come on down here and take a bow … all the real men. I’m talking about the straight men."

"You ain’t funny and you ain’t cranky, but you’re straight," "Come on down here and walk around and praise God that you’re straight," he said. "Thank him that you’re straight. All the straight men that’s proud to be a Christian, that are proud to be a man of God."

That shyt is crazy and I hope peeps have enough sense to leave that church and yo if your a gay church member of this man's church you need to find a new church home...

Matter fact, (and yeah I borrowed this from someone- check out

Diagree with with Bishop Alfred A. Owens Jr.? Let him and his congregation know.

Contact the Bishop today!

Greater Mt. Calvary Holy Church
Bishop Alfred A. Owens, Jr., D.Min., PastorEvangelist Susie C. Owens, Co-PastorAssociate Pastor, T. Cedric Brown
610 Rhode Island Avenue, North EastWashington, District of Columbia 20002-1292Office: 202-529-4547Fax: 202-529-4495

Staff Emails:
Alfred T. Owens, Office

Alma Belcher , Counselor

Anthony Minor,

Beatrice Dawson, Bookstore

Bernard Perry, Principal of Calvary Christian

Betty Robinson, Lead Facilities Maintenance

Beverly Lucas, Director of The Family Life

Bobby Daniels, Administrative Asst. to the Sr.

Bryan Smith, Duplication

Calvin Sykes, Non-Teaching

It's time for this mess to stop and yo if a member of that church does the same thing my buddy did last week.. I'm going to be troughly pissed.. this shyt HAS to stop!!!! enough said..

Friday, May 05, 2006

Strange Fruit

Thursday afternoon I recieved a phone call from one of my good buddies on the east coast- I was running late for an engagement but I hadn't talked to him in a minute so I answered the phone
Me: whassup man?
Bmore brothe: Yo E, are you sitting down?
Me: Nah I'm on my way to the gala, whassup?
Bmore brotha: Yo, I need you to pull over- I have to tell you something
So, I'm thinking to myself dude must have left his wife or caught a disease or someone's pregnant or something- so I'm like yo just go ahead and tell me I'm running late- and right then and there my mind became blared, my eyes blurry with tears and my mind with confusion-
Bmore brotha: M is dead- he killed hisself- they found him hung.
I'm like what? Hun? That can't be, he wouldn't do that-
Why would this wonderfully intellegent man kill himself- it struck even harder when I reminded myself that just last week I was considering the same plight- only not by rope- because there would be no strange fruit hanging from my closets or doorways or trees and here had this man/ this part of me/ this former partner of mine, no longer having breathe-having done the deed- I constantly think about it/ about him/ about the last time I talked with him/ laid my eyes on him, my hands against his/ i now realize that i love this man/ not love like what to be with him/ because he did later- after me/ find someone to love him the way that he wanted to be loved/ but love him just the same- like now that I'm recieving this phone call my heart is affected- my eyes misty, my brain disshelved and my innermost appearance distraught and distracted and here in 10 minutes I would be attending an event where I would need to put my personality and smiley face on-
On one hand I no longer felt like going- on the other I made the previous engagement and needed to fullfill my commitment but at what expense- how could I execute this task? How could i stop the tears from falling and now that weren't only falling for M but also for my best freind who passed three years ago- this grief/ this pain coming from my eyes could not be uncovered- it had to be subdued- it had to be what it was and this man and this woman had to go with me to my event- and at times as I thought about them I would feel conflicted but then I realized that life in many ways is about decisions and choices and both of these people made those choices in their lives and I had to respect that and allow the expereince of knowing them enrich my life- to a degree it was a Wicked moment- it was a I've been changed for the better moment- and yet and still I'm confused how this beautiful man, this man who I once held so close that we might become one could hang himself and become strange fruit-

Monday, May 01, 2006

The therapy has begun- Disclaimer

In the next few (might be more than a few but at any rate) post, I will be going to some scary places because I have to get this shyt out of me, this is my blood and guts, it's not pretty, it's not nice but it is my reality- nah it is my expereinces- the expereinces that have made me who I am one Emotionalbrotha.

So, I have no apologies-other than the apology(ies) to myself for letting this garabge consume me for so long and to those who I've hurt because of the tole my garbage has taken on me. Please forgive me- when you know better u do better- and now the healing will begin

Random thoughts & forgiveness

Once in a while, I read over my post, and this morning as I was reading my 4/29/06 post I realized that I was beginning to tear up= yes this 28 year old man, had tears falling from this eyes at his desk as he thought back to the days and nights of unimaginable horror- at time sI think those expereinces have destroyed my life, have made me "spoiled" as they say in the Color Purple, has made me fragile beyond belief, and the sadness and anger that fills my body, I want him to pay for what he's done to me, for runing parts of my life, for having me at my desk right now crying, I want him to pay for it, I want to know why someone didn't protect me, why did it have to happen to me, and I know I can't make it go away, I guess the pain will never go away- this will always be apart of my life, I've tried, I try to not think about it, to forget that it ever happened, but I guess doing that hasn't helped and it hasn't gone away, it seems as if only gets worse, I need to address this pain, head on and it seems like I'm dealing with this as I should alone- but sometimes I think, I wish someone was there to hold me, to give me the strength/ the support to cry to hold when me when I let all this torment escape my body- to let myself once again be happy, to be free, but right now it feels like all i know is pain, my life is full of pain, and I hold on to hope that some way some how I will escape this hell which is my life, or some portion there of, it is this this urning this depth for the truth which repels people because my pain comes through my eyes/ through my body/ although i try to hide it, I'm so afraid that if I let go, what will happen to me, who will be there for me, if like before in the past it will be noone and there I will be to hold myself up- I mean I've been holding myself for this long, but this pain. these scars seem unbearble, i feel weak, i feel ugly, i feel poor, and defeated, i feel like i am nothing, and this man, made me feel like something, only to feel even more like nothing because now i'm so caught up with this feelings, like i just want to hurt him, because he had no business doing to me what he did, and no he wasn't the first or the last, but no one had the right to do that to me, to make a child suck ur dick, no to make a child gag on your dick and then threaten him that you would kill his mother and my dumb ass believe it, but i was a child, i was a child, i am a child i guess as i write this because so much of myself goes back to those days, to the railroad tracks, to that old house in New Jersey, and the dirty bed, me knocking on the door, the walls, the curtains, the blinds, the sun, him naked and me exposed.. damn i hate it, i hate myself for allowing it to happen, i need to forgive myself for allowing it to happen- i need to take myself in my own arms and allow myself to greive to cry, because it is the little boy inside who constantly cries and he cries in my arms now.. and i need to be able to hold him, to protect him, to love him like my mother never did, like my father never did, like noone ever did...the time has now come for me to hold him, to cherish him, to forgive him, because he didn't know - it wasn't his fault, it wasn't your fault, it wasn't my fault...

21 things that AA Need to do by Tavis Smiley

I know this is old, but it's new to me, so sharing it, I can commit do doing at least 15 of the 21, how many can you commit to?

1) Register to vote, or shut up!
2) Take all that money out of those stocking caps, in cans, mattresses, and floorboards and invest money in something. For starters, invest in the food you eat and clothes you wear.
3) Learn another language. Ebonics does not count.
4) Stop using the "N" word in the year 2005, especially since Merriam-Webster has announced it isn't changing the definition
5) Buy something each week from a black vendor.
6) Stop blaming white folks for 98% of your problems, while giving them 100% of your money.
7) Subscribe to Ebony, JET, Black Enterprise, Essence. Then subscribe to one of the three weeklies: Time, Newsweek, or US News and World Report. After we read about what's going on in our world, how about knowing what's going on in theirs? It is, after all, your world.
8) Stop walking past each other and not speaking.
9) Be on time for something, anything!
10) Get an annual check up; herbs do not cure everything!
11) In all thy ways acknowledge Him (GOD) and He shall direct thy path." prioritize this as # 1.
12) Stop being jealous of one another, learn to look past the material things and see the person for who they are.
13) Get involved in at least one charitable or voluntary community service.
14) Say a prayer for someone besides yourself.
15) Hug your child/spouse/parent today.
17) Learn to Let Go and Let God.
18) Stop talking about it, and be about it.
19) Let GOD order your steps instead of the world.
20) P.U.S.H.!! Pray Until Something Happens!
21) In all that you do, get understanding, (turn off the TV, and open abook).

Don't just read this, DO IT and encourage others Take nothing for granted.... Tell people what they mean to you TODAY!!!!!!



Immigrant "Day of Absence"

While not the most "original" idea, today marks immigrant day of absence day- According to continous faxes and news threads of the net, my understanding is that today illegal immigrants and their supporters are staging walk-outs, calling off from work, and protests- now if anyone is a theatre buff like myself we all know that Douglas Turner Ward wrote a play called day of absence where all the negreoes disappear. So- this is not new or "original" but at the same time proves to be interesting.

So, is anyone planning on participating in the protest?

Yeah, and before I forget not only our "immigrants" borrowing from "Day of Absence" so is E. Lynn Harris, hes next book deals with a Homosexual "day of absence" in the church, again not the most original but wouldn't that prove interesting if it really happened in real life, I wonder how empty each church would really be if all the non hetero brothas and sistas kept they ass home, all on the same day... things that make u go hmmmm....