Thursday, May 18, 2006

Remembrance of my 1st

Last week, I was in the middle of a conversation with someone and somehow my sexuality came up, or kinda like the question was posed like was I born "gay" or did I get "turned" out or exactly what happened that has assisted and spiraling the events of me being in Chicago and being who and what I am and how I got to the point where I stand in the fire but not exactly too close.. and as I thought about it..... my eyes begin to tear and I softly murmered it started with "love".. I fell in love with this guy and in those moments I knew my life had changed for ever.. it would no longer be the wife, the kids, the white house and picket fence.. it would be.. well I didn't exacly know and even today on many levels I don't know... I constantly dream both asleep and awake of how it could. should.might be... but I can only dream... and this man... this first love was a man of the cloth.. So, we will call him PreacherinTraining.

How did it begin? Let's see... I was sixteen at the time, and after unsuccessfully trying to kill myself, I was sent to live back with my mother because my crackhead daddy couldn't take the pressure of raising his own complicating child along with the other 7 kids he married into.. (BASTARD) but at any rate, so I went back to live with my mother.. and well it was that time of year.. Fall.. the leaves were falling, the sky was bright, I think it was actually an Indian Summer that year cause the seasons seemed to last for longer than usual... well.. it was time to start school and this would be my 1st year in high school back in my hometown (my father lived in the town over)... well i couldn't attend school that first day because my records were delayed, so i chilled around the house and waited with anxiety my first official day of high school... the day came LATE... or at least it seemed an entirety... I got up early that morning,, showered, dressed (put on my NEW school clothes) and headed out for school... the first thing I did was go to the office after walking with some freinds for over a mile.. (you had to live more than 2 miles away from the school to take the bus.. so...) at any rate, got to the office saw some familiar and unfamilair faces.. and then and there I recieved my schedule... it was on a thin piece of paper and I finally found my way to first period english... I opened the door... slowly walked in because after all I was late and a day late at that.. and it was then and there that I saw him.. that my eyes opened and my heart stopped.. it was then my whole world was changed.. it seemed like minutes had gone by with me looking in his eyes, and when time caught back up, I blushed.. walked to the front of the room, introduced myself to the teacher and was giving a seat two seats behind PreacherinTraining.... all morning I could fell him looking at me, but I declined to entertain what I was feeling... because this feeling couldn't be real... this couldn't be happening to me.... this could be it....and it it was.. and fate had it that no matter how much I tried to resist this man would be a part of me.. and opportunity had a way of presenting itself.. comes out there were no more lockers available and Preacher volunteered to let me share his... this would be the first of many things that became shared between two adolescent boys.. among others.. secrets, lies, lust, disappointment, regret, tears........ and a quadrum of other things... well this feeling went on for months.. and we would exchange numbers and become study buddies.. and we would end up talking to the wee hours of morning me with the pillow over my face so no one could hear our conversations... it was then I started to dream about being with this other man.. this boy... it was than that I started to imagine how it would be to kiss another guy... and the only time we really saw each was in school and two young black guys kissing in the locker room was soo not me back then... although I would look at him when we took a shower.. and i must admit i didn't only look at him but other boys also... but it was he who opened my world to the posssibilty of reaching out... of expressing this was he who would later break my heart after providing me with my very first same sex kiss.. it was he who would allow me to dream... to feel a variety of thoughts and feelings.. it was he who later would break my heart prompting me to once again consider ending my life.. only to have the courage to continue living although I would cry myself to sleep every night.. it was this man... who would teach me to defy the odds of what everyone sad to me.. because this man told me he loved me,... only to leave me for a white older man who had money and all I had to offer was love... it would be this man.. who I had such a deep emotional connection for.. who even after i found out that although he wasn't sleeping with me cause the lord... he was sleeping with everyone else... it would be after one day being the man he loved and longed for later being casted out as the "devil trying to steal his soul".. it would be this that prompted me to fall to my knees and pray ( a brotha wasn't always a non-believer)... it was this man that i loved.. that i continued to love... it was this man.. that I would later learn to stop loving and to one day begin loving myself.. it was this non-sexual man... this christian man...this expereince that on some level made me the man i am today... the conflicted love without sex but the need for sex.. for me to puch my dick inside of u and give u all this pain, all this grief, and hapiness, and hurt, and pain.. to give u all of me.. and for u to take it and hold me when i'm weak when i'm storng, when i so desperately want to be straight but know my heart loves across the borders of anything that society will allow me too.. it was this man...

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