Wednesday, September 03, 2008

My Favorrite Past Time .....Sleeping...

Lately, all I can seem to do is sleep..... but I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging.... wish me luck.....

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Psuedo Responsibility

Tonight as I await for my medication to kick in- everything seems much clearer. I find it hard to get along with other people because I find it hard to get along with myself. I talk about progression and purpose, but yet and still I work at a job where I'm not contributing shyt to the general population.

The rich get rich and the poor get poorer, and I sit along on the sidelines and wrestle with others problems, for a nice salary and benefits but today I acknowledge that I need a purpose driven life..... I need somethinhg more to believe in and it starts with a search for a better job.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Papa Don't Preach

Yesterday, I finally came out to my father. The rest of my close family personally already knew because I told them eleven (11) years ago. But because my father and I never had a relationship he was the only one I hadn't personally told that I wasn't hetersexual.

The conversation went pretty well, partly based on the fact that someone from back home had ran my business thru the street and partly because I am finally at the point in my life where I am comfortable with the decisions I've made and at peace (for the most part) with the fact that my sexual oreintation was choosen years ago- even before I started pulling up little girls dresses and pinching little boys on the behind.

My father's response was one that I hadn't expected... it was true acceptance... he said that...
I'm grown and the decesions I make are mine
that he loves me no matter what
that Jesus loves me
that he's proud of the man that I've become
to not allow people to beat up on me or to beat up on myself because of my sexual orientation
that he always brags about the fact that i put myself through college
that he was always harder on me because i was he's son and that no matter what he loves me...

my father gave me a blessing that i've in some way urned for since childhood..... love...... now, if i can erase the fabrication that my parents don't love me.. maybe... just maybe i can love and accept love in return from my one and only....

if no one told you today...... somebody loves you.... and although my dad's now a pastor he sure didn't preach... and I thank god for that

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Work & Identity

For the past two months I have not gone to work. I have a medical excuse as to why I'm not there but it seems like the depression from not going to work or perhaps my day not being structured from the work that I'm required to do for a paycheck has finally got to me.

And it is now that I have to ask my self the following:

How does work attribute to my identity?
How does work affect my self esteem (I mean there is no business cards any more to identify who and what I do)?
How has work prevented me from focusing on what's really important in my life?
Am I working a job which speaks to my heart and to my potential?
Would I be happier working somewhere else/ doing something else?
How has work helped me get to where I am in life and at what cost?
Does my work give me pleasure?

These are the questions that I'm battling with today as I wake up after 3:00pm and not because I didn't go to bed at a reasonable time but more because the work I've done is not satisfying....

What's a brotha to do????

Sunday, June 15, 2008

My Favorite Erykah Badu Song- Green Eyes

This the best shyt she ever made... i loves this shyt!

Can't be good - Janet Jackson

Yo, don't she sound like Mike? Thought that brotha was bout to come back- LOL

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Is This True? 10 Types of gays on Campus

got dis offa myspace&blkgaychat

1. THE DL HOMOPHOBE – He can spot any gay guy anywhere at anytime. He always has something negative to say to or about the gay guy, but in reality he just wants the gay boy’s attention. Homophobes are usually attracted to masculine gay men as the feminine ones will blow their cover. Also Statistics show that the HOMOPHOBES are the messiest of them all.

2. THE AVERAGE STR8 GUY - This is the most difficult type to detect. He’s the typical straight guy, he loves sports, he adores cars, he can fix almost everything….nothing out of the ordinary till u walk in on him doing something with a dude. We call these men TRADES. You had no clue they were gay…and chances are they can teach the OPENLY gay guys a few tricks.

3. The SUPER DL NINJA – This is the guy who is TERRIFIED of people having the slightest clue he is gay. He will surf gay chatlines and send people to a dozen different websites until he finally reveals himself. The kind of guy that meets you on the docks at night…you sleep with him… and if you see him in public again he will DENY your existence.

4. THE DL COUPLE – Now this is the most prevalent type of gay guys on campus. Two guys that always hang out together, they maybe work out buddies, members of the same fraternity, same sports team or school organization….Chances are if you see one the other is close behind and if you see one alone…….he’s on his way to the other. THEY ARE A COUPLE. No straight guy will spent 90% of his day with another guy unless they are in Iraq and that’s a whole nother story child.

5. MR DON’T ASK DON’T TELL – IF YOU AINT ASKING HE AINT TELLIN…SHIT EVEN IF YOU ASK HE AINT TELLIN. This is the guy in class you always suspected but never had any concrete proof to nail him. Unfortunately for you that you cant nail him….but every other dude on campus is…….OKAAAAAAAY!!!

6. THE AVERAGE GAY GUY – He is professional, a great friend, a honor student, your RA, that guy that’s in the ROTC. He is awesome everyone on campus knows him all the girls have a crush on him… invite him out one night and he comes with a dude he introduces as his BOYFRIEND………..yes your honor student is in a relationship with a man and as popular as he is he managed to keep his personal life out of the spotlight. This is what most gay people should aspire to be like.

7. THE PRETTY BOI – This is the guy that looks better than 50% of the girls on campus. He wears designer clothes, has a body to die for..usually light skinned or Hispanic, hair you wish you had has the accessories of a typical pretty boi (contacts, earrings, photoshopped). You can find them prancing around your local mall or around town. Thye are usually conceited and not very nice.

8. THE TRENDSETTER – They are the social mecca of fashion and social rituals. They start the latest trends, know the latest songs and the matching dances, knows your business before you do, and pretty much puts you out there. Only down side is that they are either fat, darker than sin and 9/10 BUTT UGLY.

9. THE HALF AND HALF – Have you ever seen a guy with tight jeans, a purse and couldn’t be more feminine and you wonder…. Why doesn’t he be a transsexual and get over with it. He wears girl jeans, a tank top, makeup and a purse big enough to fit a piano. They are usually bitter because nobody wants to bee seen with them…unless they are HALF AND HALF TOO.

10. THE OBNOXIOUS QUEEN - He greets you with a HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY GIIIIIRRRL!!! He refers to people as MISS THANG, he is the loudest motherfucker you have ever met, flirts with anything that breathes and is a club addict. Ladies and Gentlemen…this is THE POSTERCHILD FOR GAY. You can spot him on the map, his sexuality is as big as Texas and he doesn’t care who knows. Infact he wants you to know so he can have you next… RUN CHILD RUN…..

Which are/were you and is it true?

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

30, 60, 90

This past weekend I went to NYC-- I was only there for a lil over 24 hours- but man, I had a fucking ball... Laughed till my stomach hurt, I'm talking bellys laughs and I just felt loved almost like a feeling of belonging... and that's something that I haven't felt in a long time.

Well to make a story short in 30 seconds the idea entered my mind, in 60 seconds it impregnanted my thoughts and within 90 days I plan on relocated to NYC.

It just seems like a good time and I would be close to two of my best freinds.. closer to my family and one of my oldest friends and would have to face the fact that I will be living in NYC and not as I originally intended to- the days of wishing and dreaming that I would be a BIG actor may be gone.... and with this realization becomes my manhood the endless courage it takes to admit that life ain't always what you want it to be and sometimes your not as good as you thought-- but i be damn if i'm not alive and got skills to get a decent job which allows me to still partake in something that i have always loved.... perhaps i might not make it on the stage but it wont stop me from visiting from time to time and living it up as the man i am today----broken and unfullfilled dreams and all...

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Promise to Self

I will not live my life alone.
I will open my heart to those who deserve for it to be open.
I will not fear love... or rejection or acceptance... i will love myself and allow others to love me.
I will not live my life alone.

Hate That I Love You

I likes this song also.....

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Loving this Song

Is anyone else loving this right here?

Niggahs ain't sorry --just sorry cause they got caught....

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

DC Pride (?)

This past weekend was Pride here in DC- the city was run rampant with any and all kinds of homosexuals and although i have never felt truly part of this great event this year presented alot of growth for me.

For the first time it didn't bother me that every (and I do mean every) type of gay was there.

For the first time if some weren't there they would have been missed because maybe I'm just so immune or really just believe in letting everyone have a good time as long as they ain't fucking wit me.

At times I wished that others had somewhat of my attitude towards some of our brothas & sisters. I say this because the weekend in large was filled with people talking about other people wither it was such and such looks a hot mess or damn boys body is banging.. or they damn are they sick?... but the one thing that worked my nerves at the end of the weekend was the endless "sissy calling".... the murmurs of "the club is full of sissies" or "they are so many sissies out here" and I'm looking for a real man..

Personally, i think to get a "real man" you got to be one but hey, everyone's ideal of masculinity is different....and I mean, this weekend i saw a few lesbians who were more masculine than some of the brothas talking bout the wanted a real man and the "sissies" better not talk to them.... i guess the weekend in a few words might be called the celebration of the pot calling the kettle black--

in the end Shakespeare said it best "if we could see oursleves through others eyes oh, what a wonderful world it would be"......

Sunday, May 18, 2008


Hey, haven't blogged in awhile because been catching up on some reading... but hey if your looking for a good book to read check out.... It is AWESOME!!! Haven't read a book this good in a long time.

Friday, April 25, 2008


it's was only after i learned to love myself could i love another man, woman, or child
filled with anger i lashed out at the world never seeing the sun
only the doom my life had become
until i meet & recieved god
now i only see light

Thursday, March 27, 2008

What if....

Yesterday, I went to church and heard this song.

What if this is what god really is

More ....
wonderful than my mind can conceive
more wonderful than my heart can believe
He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams
He's everything that my soul ever longed for

more than wonderful??

What if all this time i've been standing in my own way regarding my relationship with god...

maybe, just maybe i've been wrong...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

misc truths.....

The truth is...

as mush as i want to be with someone right now-- i need to be the man i want to be with
i finally sleep well at night
i miss my best friend-- she went to live with god 5 years ago two weeks ago
i love my fam
i love my freinds
i'm sad
i feel like i'm getting depressed
might be time to go back to the pysch
my job keeps me busy
i'm smart n yet dumb
i'm afraid
i need to go to church
i know some sorta connection- although i just feel like distancing myself from everything
there sthings about myself that i don't like
i'm hard on myself-- sometimes too much
i'm getting older and now i understand so much more n yet not enough
i really didn't like Cat on a hot tin roof
i want to be in love
i want to be a father
i've choosen to forgive my father
i loves my moms
and i've forgiven her for not loving me about when i was little
sometimes i still feel little although i weigh 216 pounds
my pouch makes me sick, yet i still think it's sexy
thick is in & i loves to eat
i used a condom last night
i love me
i feel pity for Left because i understand where he is at & i just feel sad that he cant love himself
my anger has turned to sadness
i'm proud of myself
i'm sleepy
its been so long since i've kissed his lips n i yearn for the taste of his saliva
i need to work on my self esteem
i often downplay or think that attractive men won't find me atttractive or i have nothing to offer
i sometimes think i'm boring
i'm a success n yet a failure
i try too hard
i need to relax
i think too much
i'm loved
i have so much growing to do
i miss who i used to be
but looking forward to the man i've become
i love him
i used to not love myself
my limbs are awkward
my hands n feet are out of sync with my body
my limbs keep me on top of the ground
my feet need to spawn out n relax--get wet in the water
i'm afraid to get hurt yet i know its inevitable
i cried the last time i held Left---
i can no longer love Left because he doesn't love himself
i love me more than any man i've ever met
i just lied
i still believe n romance n monogomy n love at 1st sight
i want to look into my mates eyes n see honesty--
my leg still hurts from when i got shot
my left foot barely touches the ground
my hips are awkward
my core is pretzeled
i'm untangling myself from the ropes which were my torment
the cords which were supposed to whisk my life away
yet i still breath
i'm happy that i'm still alive
i have hope
i believe in something better
in someone better-- maybe it's god but i refer to it as the universe
i have many angels watching over me
i'm bored
i urn for adventure
i love too hard
i dont trust easily
i have difficulty trusting myself & others
i've been hurt
i'm not good at what i would love to do
it's difficult for me to be truthful & truth is what i strive for


Left-- I'm leaving....

Why Does It Hurt So Bad

Monday, March 17, 2008


It's funny when in life something happens and you feel your heart breaking but right there in that moment you feel the truth-- you respect the truth and & just accept & move on....

This weekend, I spent some time with LeftmygirlinNewyork-- not sure if i revealed this before but somehow i ended up loving Left-- don't know, how when or where-- but i remember the first time i met him... at any rate, this weekend he told me that he's getting married--- and my heart sunk-- but i was like ok, dude always told me he had a girl... and as tears came to my eyes-- i realived that the inevitable had finally occured.. so this weekend i told him i loved him and although he couldn't tell me back because "it would make it real"- i said good bye and without malice, or hate, or disgust... just goodbye....n i'm ready for love--- for someone to love me and me love them back-- no more Mr. Unavailables-- the last song we hugged to was alicia keys and when it played i was like whoa the universe be on the money---- i hope Left is happy...... because i'm destined to be

Thursday, March 06, 2008

8 Messages & Why Friendship is Important

Today, I spent most of the day in training and than had a LATE night meeting. After my meeting I went out to dinner with some folks from my MAIN Corporate Office.

Everything went WELL!

I got home and checked my messages and I had EIGHT (8) messages on my voicemail. Thought some were work related but ALL ended up being from friends... TWO from my homie in New JErsey who I'm going to go see Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with, FOUR from my best friend in Chicago and one from an old friend in Chicago- the other ONE was from someone who may becoming a new FRIEND.

At any rate, my best friend called- I called him back first and today and got fired from his job because they found out that he doesn't have a US Citizenship. He was hurt, scared and concerned. Thank goodness he got married a few months ago and his wife knows everything (thank goodness he's not gay) At any rate, as I talked to my friend the pain in his voice went str8 to my gut- I hate when people i love are hurting and I could tell that he was in pain-- all i could do was listen and offer my love support and of course a bedroom here at my place- he accepted everything but the bedroom and i know he's a strong man so he will be fine... I will say a prayer for him and his wife tonight and keep him in my thoughts.

The other calls I really didn't get a chance to return but tomorrow I will return more calls... FRIENDSHIP is so important not only in one's time of need, but ALL the time.... Don't forget your friends... show them love not just today but everyday...

Love u RZ.... if u need me I'm here....

Monday, March 03, 2008

2 Tickets

Hey today, I went to work... cleaned out the cat's litter box and bought two tickets to check out Gem of the Ocean at the Kennedy Center--- So, tomorrow I will be going to check out one my favorite AW plays---- A brotha is going to shape it up and enjoy a night on the town---- all dressed up and some where to go....

Saturday, March 01, 2008


I'm sitten here listening to Tevin Campbell sing "Tell me What you want me to do"--- Tevin used to be the shyt!!!

At any rate, my dad called me this morning- I guess we are slowly developing some sorta relationship-- it's kinda weird because for so long when i was younger i wanted a relationship with him and now he's attempting to communitcate and I don't know how to react- on my hand it's a good thing-- but on the other i don't know what i want from him-- if i want anything at all... for the meantime i've decided to just let it be what it is and to just chill...

Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Damn Shame---

These two dudes right here-- make me ashamed to be from New Jersey---

Twin Bank robbers & Porn Stars--- like whoa!!!

Identical Twin Gay Porn Actors Allegedly Double as Burglars
by Kilian Melloy
EDGE Contributor
Wednesday Feb 27, 2008

Identical twins Keyontyli and Teleon Goffney
A pair of twin cat burglars have been arrested in connection with a rooftop break-in of a South Philadelphia business. Their side-line: starring in gay porn videos.

Identical twins Keyontyli and Taleon Goffney, 25, were placed under arrest Feb. 19, reported in a Feb. 25 story.

The twins were charged in connection with a rooftop robbery committed against Moon’s Beauty Shop, as well as neighboring business Wings and More.

Reportedly, the twins are alleged to have used an axe and a saw to cut through the roof and gain entrance into the businesses.

Similar break-ins were reported at other area businesses, including a Rite Aid.

A Feb. 8 break-in at a Wawas in Nether Providence that was allegedly committed by Teleon Goffney resulted in the theft of cash, condoms, and cigarettes, according to police.

The twins hail from New Jersey, where a number of similar break-ins took place over a period of a year and a half, reported.

In all, about 40 such burglaries reportedly were committed. The twins are suspects in a multi-state investigation.

But their alleged work as thieves is not the twins’ only talent. They also star, sometimes together, in gay porn, reportedly under the screen names Keyon and Teyon.

One title in the Goffney brothers star together is Marc and the Twins, an online-only video, reported

In the movie, the twins audition for an African-American adult film star in the setting of a cheap hotel.

The Goffneys are joined in Marc and the Twins by adult film star Marc Williams. quoted Erik Schut, of TLA Entertainment, a Philadelphia company that tops national sales in adult films. Said Schut of the Goffneys, "Two incredibly beautiful black men and twins--it’s unprecedented."

Schut said that "Ethnic, gay models are rare," and offered the opinion that, as gay porn stars, the brothers "could have been huge."

Keyontyli has had work as a professional model before, in the more mainstream sense of the word. said that Keyontyli had gradated from the Barbizon School of Modeling before landing jobs as a runway fashion model.

Keyontyli is also featured in the magazine CLIK this month. The publication, aimed at a black GLBT readership, includes a seven-page item in which Keyontyli serves as the model.

Keyontyli also has notched up a few walk-on parts in TV shows, such as Save the Music on VH1 and NBC’s Saturday Night Live.

Twin brother Taleon, reportedly called "a bad, bad dude" by an unnamed source with the police, was previously placed under arrest in New Jersey in 2006. reported that police spotted Taleon engaged in acrobatic displays at an apartment complex. After that, Taleon reportedly began dealing drugs, and officers arrested him for possession of crack and a firearm.

However, Taleon gave officers the slip by smashing out a window with a head-butt and then exiting their vehicle, still shackled with handcuffs, He then dove into a pond, said Clementon, N.J. Chief of Police Dave Kunkel

Said Kunkel, "He swam across like Flipper, taunting the officers saying, ’You’ll never catch me.’"

Taleon escaped police pursuit, but turned himself in after a week.

Kunkel said that at that time, Taleon was also in trouble elsewhere in the state, as well as in Delaware, reported.

Taleon, reported, remains in jail on a bond of $150,000; online records also suggested that Keontyli might have been released upon posting a bail of $75,000.

Both twins are expected to appear in court tomorrow.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Happy B-Day To Me!

Today is my big day--- it's official.... today i was borne....Happy Birthday to meeeee.... Happy Birthday to meeee...... Happy Birthday!!!!

Thursday, February 07, 2008


is getting the best of me right now....
all i do is work....
i need a homie.lover.friend.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

3rd day of the Year

Today. I. was. hit. with. the very. thing. i've been battling with.


Today. I received a promotion at work.... and I was stunned.. because it meant for once I had done something right.... and it also meant that I would now need to transition and move and work with a new team in a new location and move outside of my box and into the unknown... it was scary... it is now less scary because i now realize that i was in fact afraid and once u know ur afraid u can build up the confidence to face it... effective immediately it is faced.....