Monday, December 11, 2006
Well other than my crazy life/sex/crazy life... Emotional has been good.. been working out... trying to eat right.... and just trying to do my favorite past time and that is getting some SLEEP!!!
So, other than that just counting the days until I go on vacation.... which is like 10 working days and in between those ten working days I have alot of things to finish up on and I decided to close my office down during that time... well at least it will be closed for several hours... Office Hours will be 9:00am-1:00pm instead of 9:00am-5:00pm because I'll be on the east coast visiting family and friends and I just don't trust my office to be open ALL day when I'm way out somewhere else... less shyt can go down if it's only open for half a day.....
And of course I will be calling in twice a day and won't really be on vacation until I go skiing in 2/07...
Damn that scary it's fitten to be 2007- that's so crazy to me... but I'm sure I'll be around to see 2020 and beyond and I will be saying the same.. "that is so crazy"...
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Also, not much been up with me, been spending alot of time with CuteandShort, we're going to get tested together on World Aids Day.. and we have really bonded alot.. don't think I've ever met a woman like her before- it's crazy how she has ALL my attention when I'm with her and she's so sweet and considerate... she's like I ain't got to be gay, bi, or straight, just be me and that's enough for her.. that shyt is hot!
Oh, yeah Me & ThatDude had dinner the other day, it was very nice... we went out to eat and than caught a movie, our first date... and why after we had sex like last week did I feel guilty?
CuteandShort is putting that thang on me and we ain't even fucked yet.. it's crazy... but she is a real real lady.....
So, looks like for now it's me and my girlfriend... or it might be me and my girlfriend and my part time boyfriend.. but right now it's definetely me and my girlfriend...
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Either I have multiple personalities or one hell of a story to tell...
The scale lies & the mirror laughs
as I silently hold the cravess that you once held as u kissed me & said that u loved me
now that love is not near
because i gained weight, maybe a few pounds & i am no longer what turns u on..
so i order a hamburger, fries, and cake to comfort the tears- my eyes & the tightening in my chest I do what only I can do.. I eat.. gluttony is my sin
but i still love u
my gluttnous ways lead love away & rolls to the side of my thighs and waist line
I'm so high.. just drank some warm milk n listening to Phyllis Hyman.. so I'm ready for bed...
I visited Sweetness today also met Unconquerable. He's kewl. We hung out for a little bit.
I'm very stressed out over work
Can my play have a heterosexual character revenging the death of his brother to "there will be no more killing of faggots"
Hot didn't call me back- He doesn't love me anymore or does he?
I've committed to reading & writing every night.
I have to get my life together.
Got to bring the sunshine in my life- Phyllis Hyman- got to let the clouds go by-
What am I to do about my professional relationships?
Is it to late to fix my mistakes?
Will I ever find someone to love me?
I want to cry, will tonight be the night that I let my sorrow show?
For the last few days, I've been feeling sorry for myself or maybe I'm getting depressed don't really know- all I do know is that I'm lonely as hell. Yep, I'm catching hell living here all alone. I miss Hot, yet I won't be happy & I don't make him happy. I haven't gotten any acting jobs & I feel like a failure- my job keeps me very busy yet drives me crazy---I'm still dealing with alot of madness...
8/1/06The thoughts have begun again- I'm feeling like I want to end it- to hurt myself so I will be no more but I persist- I convince myself that life is worth living although times are hard & I feel depressed. I miss Delena.
My soul needs comfort- it requires it & the voices in my head take me further & further away from reality.
I feel lost & alone.
I want & need love so badly, yet it scares me... I'm changing so rapidly, the voices cause so much chaos, I seek comfort in things I don't know.. I have faith that everything will work out.
Imagine life w/ one man who will love me completly
imagine, nah live in dark rooms with candles almost so dim u can't see
all i ever wanted to do was fall in love w/ some man and have him fall in love with me.
I lay in my bed & think of all these visions of u...
Something has changed within me.. something is not the same...
Last night I attended a birthday party (HD's) & I couldn't find the right personality to really do what I normally do.. I had a few interesting conversations but for the most part I felt like an outsider--> I was either too fat, to masculine or just not bougie enough--> the party which was VERY diverse, although in my head it seemed like a Will & Grace affair (all the men seemed to be gay and the women straight) the funny thing is the women were commanding more of my attention. At any rate, towards the end of the night I whispered to the birthday boy "I have a present for you but you'll have to wrap it"- he smiled & said/replied "Ok, I'll have to unwrap it"- blame it on bad hearing or the alcohol.. anyway this morning, I woke up & my feelings have changed for him & I'm not sure that I can fullfill my promise. I'm not exactly sure what to do- But, I do know I probably can't go through with it.
Sometimes I don't feel good enough. I constantly ask myself why I feel this way & a million questions come to mine & i think there are things I do to protect myself from getting hurt like not working out b/c I feel like even if I had a nice body, people still wouldn't like me or that I still wouldn't be good enough & the rejection would hurt too bad- butit wouldn't destroy me- So, I think I need to start working out & being disciplined for me & then start to think about people who will like me b/c I have a nice body who don't like me now as I am..
Basking in the the moonlight I am forced to comfort the reflection of my own shadow
I'm unable to sleep
afraid that the visions in my mind with wildly unravel inside my skull & bring about my demise.
To comfort not to silence the voices in my head.. I come to paper & pencil instead..
I blazed the joint & I looked in your eyes and I knew you weren't the one for me...
They had a rough daddy
Daddy was raising them prior to civil rights... when they were still hanging niggahs...
AmI going to die someday??? yes, but youw ill first live
As my father smoked cocaine up his nose I learned... I come to pen & paper .. there the melody flowed...
I'm trying desperately to change & to accept the things I cannot change
I just woke from a nightmare where someone a man (Black) was tryingto shoot me.
I got in my car & he asked me something I replied I got to go & he pulled out a gun
We struggled over the gun
I got tit away from him
I threw it out the window
still struggling, he demanded that I return the gun to him
having not thrown the gun far enough
soemhow he is trying to get it w/ his fot
he says your going to give it to me..
I hit the gas and I wake up
This is/was my nightmare...
The man in the dream was familiar.. I didn't know him, but he reminded me of someone.. he had that same crazy look as the guys I've seen at the park
I'm scared... I don't like being alone.. I wanted to call Hot- but I didn't- he made it clear that he has a lover.... I'll have to get through this alone...
Today, I found mself feeling ugly.. comparing myself to others- not feeling good enough- lacking love- struggling with my own self worth & esteem
comfort sits idle as I want to cry but no tears come
I try desperately to love myself
only to find remorse and sadness..
being apologetic for "my sickness" but knowing & realizing that I am what I am..
a black man (lonely) on a constant battle for self love
8/21/06 Just got home , showered, now in bed.. today I decided that I would gain some decency.. In the past I have and have not had any...
Also today I realized that my relationship w/ Hot is really over & that Delena is dead- she's gone..& she's not coming back...
I need to get my credit togeth and will buy a condo next year..
Monday, November 06, 2006
Last night, I was watching a tape that my ex and i made, and as I sat and listen to myself it hit me that i had wronged this brotha, and that he had wronged me that here we were, both wounded in this emotionally abusive relationship and neither of us would let go. we both choose to embrace our dreadfull behavior and to blame the other for the missed up, on goings, when it was me- who had it twisted. i always longed for someone else to love me and make me complete and know i realize that noone is responsible to make my nightmares go away but me... i am the only one who can make me happy.. who can complete me... it time for me to start loving me... it's weird because i'd always thought i did, but i didn't, i would change for others, cut my hair, lose weight, gain weight to feel safe- to find comfort in the storm instead of crying the tears that wanted to slap my face with their wetness. with their salty flavor.. and i wasn't man enough to let that happen.. i would occasionally let one or two fall but then compose myself and tell myself secretly to shut up and stop crying.. it was this voice that had eaten the womb right out of me, that had stole my backbone and brought the bullet colliding with my left leg. it was me. it was the demon in me. the negative energy. this possession has gotten too deep and i urge for peace and release more now than ever. it is today that i find the courage to let my anger boil, to let my rage unleash, to allow my heart to beat in whatever way it wants.. and today i learn to finally breathe. and i have every right to be angry. my mother was abused and noone helped her. i was then abused and forced to do things against my will and for that i'm not only angry I'm PISSED! I am an angry black man, although I've always tried to prove that I wasn't but the truth is that I am.... and this anger has consumed me- it has lit an overwhelming intense fire within my soul and only my tears will end its wrath..... i want to cry. i will let myself cry, i will release the pain and pressure from my left hip and just breathe... but i'm also afraid....but i will... i will have courage.. i will pray- say my buddhist prayer and i will move like i've never moved... will allow myself to sit still and to feel all the fury that has festered within my being and that so deeply needs to be extinguished but needs and deserves to be expressed.. this time it will be.. what it is... and i will allow it to have full expression over which it's time is long overdue.... i also am regretful that it has taken me so long to come to this realization....... it's time for the confusion to step forth and to be acknowledged. Confusion come forward cause I've been living in confusion long enough and its time for some clarity......
Saturday, November 04, 2006
The funny thing is we went out this past Thursday to this (straight) party and I had a really good time, I was like damn I've been missing out on all of this. Fine brothas, fine sistahs, and everyone is just partying and ain't no beef...
I was like I got to get back into this...
I mean I like men and all don't get me wrong and I will be honest before I sleep with a woman and let her know that I sleep with men... but why am I suddenly craving pussy????
I guess I got a itch and it needs to be scratched....
It's like one of my friends says I need to re-validate my bisexual card.... but how does a bisexual brotha find his place in an environment that kinda doesn't exist... noone walks around like i'm bisexual.. although the chicks be dancing with each other at the clubs.. and these are (straight) girls.. I will assume.. that shyt be making me hot!!!!!!
I had to back up to make sure I wouldn't wake u know how up... don't want to be walking around the party wit my dick on hard.... too much eye candy... and someone is going to be in trouble cause right now i'm going any way the wind blows and u guys know Chicago is the Windy City.....
so watch out ladies and brothas....
I'm fitten to find some space to freak.... watch out now.. and I got my box on Trojans tooo... :-)
Friday, November 03, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
Damn, I just read an article that one of the actors on Grey's Anatomy has come out the closet. Now, why can't some cute black actors do that?
What would happen if lets say Shemar Moore or Boris Kodjoe (cause he's cuter) came out the closet, how would you feel.. how do you think the black community would react?
Monday, October 16, 2006
we allow fear to silence and immobilize our lives. but i have to move. i can't stay defined in one box.city.job. expereince.
i urn for the greater things in life.
n no amount of fear will silence me.
u logged on. posed as a gay man. to lure another gay man into a park.
u four white men. him- one black man. 5'7. 145.
was there even a struggle. or was it easy to beat him. 4 u to think that is was the end of the slavery n u just had to get ur last whips in. how was it.
then he got away. ran ito traffic they say.. n was then hit by a car. STRUCK.. star struck. thats what alot of us are. hiding. making love at night. with the lights off. dark. we want it so dark we dont see. we only see each others teeth as we grunt ourselves into extasy. why is it that this is how it is to be.
first rashawn. now.u. tomorrow maybe me. and even before rashawn there.were.others. when is enough- enough.
the revolution will not be televised. our deaths. will. not. be. in. vain.
we must fight back. to take back the right to be human.
i'm filled with anger. n sadness. and confusion. as i light the joint, put my head to the back as u kiss me passionately. deeply. ur tongue tickles mine. n then i don't hear from u in two days. after u've wetted my palate with ur sweet kisses. laid against ur soft skin. melted within ur arms. n now ur gone. it's reality. it's real/ it's true. but it ain't fair. i want to love u. for u to love. me. but i don't.even.know.u.
ur just a fanatasy within my head. ur touch is the touch i urn for. the touch that sends me to chatrooms. because without it i'm lonely.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The receptionist as always made me mad, they took too damn long and than sent me to the first floor to register. I told her, it would have been helpful to tell me that when I made my appointment.
At any rate, than the nurse finally sees me and she's talking that "I've been in America but still have my Asian Accent shyt". I ask her about flu shots, they don't have any but I can go to Walgreens and get one. I looked at her like she was crazy. I said I just paid a $20.00 co-pay and my flu shot is included with those monies.. so, yall better have a flu shot next time I come in here. She looked at me like ok, whatever "give me uya arm Mr. Emotional" She then stuck the thermometer in my mouth as she continued to talk so I couldn't answer her. I was like Ok, Kim from Ms. Saigon with a nursuin degree, you damn well I can't answer you and get my tempearute taken at the same time.
But, whatever, I finally got in to see the Doctor. He asked me what was wrong, why had I come. I explained that my ear was hurting me again and was here for my check-up. He weighed me, told me I lost 12 pounds and than told me that I needed to lose some more weight cause my target weight is 165 lbs. I looked at him like he had ten eyes. I mean ok, #1 I'm African American and I'm 5'10. But 165 is weighing too little. .... I know this because I used to be 165, and although you couldn't tell me a thing at the time.. I look back at the pictures and I look like one of the starving children in those Ethiopa save the children commercials.. sickening... so I told him, listen my goal is to get down to 190, thats about it... he said ok kewl.. 185/190 is realistic for you... I smiled and gave him a yeah that's compromise look...
So, then he hits me with "Mr. Emotional, last time you were here your cholestrol was very high and i want to put you on some medication for this".. I was like what... Hey, lets do this send me back down for a new test and than if it's not better you can give me a "make me better/ fix me" pill.... In the meantime, I'll really have to hit that treadmill a little harder because I can't be under thirty having a heart attack.
So, he explained to me about cholesterol and the fact thats it diet based and/or genetic. So, I have to once again alter my diet, which I have already started and will get these pounds down... it's funny how after five years of becoming something/ someone that everyone else wanted -you just now want to be yourself... Right now, even in the throes of the comments regarding my fro.. i just want to let it fro out and get in shape.. I'm bringing the 70's back..and they don't know how to act... yeah. it's a fact.. emotionalbrotha is bringing it all back.... dadda... da.daa.da
Anyway..... so, I have to cut down on meat... in specefic my Wild Wednesday Popeyes Chicken night, where I endugle in 6-8 peices of delicious Popeyes Chicken.. I can now only have about one or two peices.. well my stomach will thank me later... cause I got to abort this little baby I was having...lol... I only look like I'm 3 months pregnant now.. the bike and treadmill kicked the 6 month pregnant stomach down.... hahahah....So, I can't eat some many eggs no more, or lunch meat, or cheese or Popeyes.. and my meat contribution have to be no bigger than a deck of cards.. ha, good luck on that one.. but like i said I can't be having no heart attack so..... Why do I feel like animals are evil??? Or should we even be eating them in the first place, they cause so many problems.. high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholestorol.. maybe we're all supposed to be vegetarians like the Apes and monkeys we evolved from..... just a thought... please don't get ur panties or boxers in a bunch... but seriously.. maybe just maybe we need to stop eating our family members.... just "eat" the kinds of meat that we can't digest.. ain't nothing wrong with pussy juice and u ain't never heard someone dying from eating no kitty kat or enjoying some good dick.... so hey, maybe I will have to get my protein from other sources.. of course than my teeth would be so sharp... and we never know when we will need them to do a Mike Tyson on someone...lol... anyway.. my thoughts are colliding so I will day adieu and holla at ya later... love peace, maturbation and no feces.... LOL...
Below is a link to the "Experiment" WARNING.. This link contains graphic images and is not approriate to open at work or around children...
CRAZY EXPERIMENT FROM CRAIGSLIST
What would you do if this happened to you? What would you do if all your kinky sides were aired out for all the Net to see? What would you do?
I guess the old saying what happens in the dark must come to light, is well CORRECT..
I'll take Idiots for $1,000.00 Alex...
The question is.. What would you do?
What would I do?
Hmm.. bash the fuckers brain in... lol.. but how would you do that, you don't know who the fuck he is... this is so remiscent of the internet scene in Closer, just more grudgy, crazy and I actually feel kinda bad for these guys... not to mention their wives, who now have all their friends knowing that the real deal is.....
Monday, October 09, 2006
Over the weekend, I met a man, this man and I have something in common, we both dated and loved another man, but of course at different times. This other man is Lot. Yep, the dude that fucked me and left me, and never gave two shits about me. To this day, it hurts when I think about it. This other brotha told me about how after he left Lot alone, he's stomach would hurt ever time he saw him, heard from him, etc. The brotha and I talked, it seemed like forever.. it amazed me how two people could have some what a similiar expereince and how it has taken me years to get over someone who I only "dated" for less than six months. The scars still remain deep... however the healing has begun...
have u ever loved someone so much that it literally caused u physical pains... involuntary reactions to the person? have i? of course, sometimes i feel like such a fool.. but i know understand that i'm just a man. just a man, in every way.. i am human.. and i am affected just about by everything and everyone.. some folks would say that i'm "arrogant" or "conceited" and in their opinions there obviosuly is some truth.. but deep inside i am well fragile, vunerable, and i don't understand why someone would take advantage of someone like that.. why would someone harm someone "just because"? well i don't know... one might say one's childhood, or that someone hurt them so in return they hurt everyone they come into contact with.. pretty much the domino affect.... crashing down.. cascading out of order... right now i am so full.. so full of life, of guilt, of hurt, and paid and sorrow, but also of happiness that these silent reminders are presented to me to help me evolve.. to learn.. to grow.. to mature... to determine what i want to be and don't want to be.. and what i'm willing to accept and what i'm not... one part of me, wants to lash out.. i'm so fucking angry because i'm hurt... because the muthafuckka intentionally hurt me... and i want to cut him... to make him pay for what he continues to do, not only to me, but to other men and women.... he takes us all through if, and leaves u emptier than when u arrived.. and in the end... he did it because i let him.. why couldn't i be stronger.. why didn't i see his bullshyt coming.. before it came.. i mean i'm a smart guy.... but i guess i played the fool... and i will no longer do that... thats one role i will leave for another act to re-enact.... i feel like.. i've done all i can do, and nothing that i have or could do would ever be enough.. so its time, far beyond time,, for me to say fuck off, eat shyt, and die.... get the fuck out my face, head, and heart... u crazy son of a bitch....LMAO..... I know I'm ranting.... but hey it's flowing like that,..it's time to hug n protect and love Emotional.
"Emotional it's aiight, it's aiight man, it's ok".......
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Today was a good day, saw a great play at Congo Square Theatre Company, The African Company Presents Richard III. Was great! Of course, ShortandCute, joined me. After the play, we hit a gallery and saw the great artwork of this brotha from Cali, who lives in New York, who paints pictures of urban black man in classical poses with flowers in the back round. Will look for his name and share the culture. Ok, he's name is Kehinde Willey, check him out and let me know what you think...
Today was definetly, a culture Saturday.
After the exhibit, Short and I departed and I went and worked out and than hit the grocery store for some cooking items, which are now cooking.
I will eat, chill for a minute, check out one of the International Film Fest movies and than go to the Chicago Annual party, yep, it's that time of year again.. when I was first reminded of this, I was nervous because this is the 5th year anniversary of me being in Chicago and I know that Lot will be there, but I'm over him, at least I think that and I keep reminding myself of that, so it should be kewl... and of course, brothas will be trying to holla, so long as don't nobody try n cop clock, it's all to the good.
Hopefully Cute, will join me for the movie. I really enjoy spending time with her... today, we had one of our many conversations and she's quite openminded.. and my philospophy is that of Chekhov, "we can't be happy, we just want to be happy".. as soon as ur aware that ur happy, ur no longer happy.. after making this comment Cute, ask me "Emotionalbrotha, are you happy right now, I looked into her eyes and said yes, but now i'm aware of it, so it's over.... We can never be happy, we just want to be.......
but today was or has been a Good Saturday....
Friday, October 06, 2006
I mean I'm a handsome brotha and I clean up well, however, I'm not the kind of brotha that gets weekly haircuts, or shaves every other day. I'm truly the guy next store with funky feet, a nappy head that he comes and greases, and just a down to earth brotha with crazy thoughts that deserve some kind of comfort. This has always been an issue for him. He has, as other people, wanted me to be a pretty boy- and that's just not who I am. I prefer for people to like me for me and when I shave and get the head done, I want you to be like damn, I didn't know how handsome you really were. I want someone to love and like me for me- the inside of me, the hurtful side of me, the bruised side of me, the side of me that i constantly consul and hug, for my ugly side, for my loving side, for all my sides.... I want someone to love me.... and I can honestly say that I've learned to love myself and everyday I continue to fall in love with myself over and over again. and although I have my self depreviation moments.. even than i love myself.. i haven't lost all sense of my self worth and hope that i never will.
at any rate, this morning, i came to work, getting some work done as usual and i happened to log on to A4A, now as much as I shouldn't be doing that at work, I had some messages and just decided to check them, so I see that TallandDark is on line. TallandDark is this brotha that my Ex was sleeping with behind my back and when it came out, I was well to say the least hurt. And as I looked at his picture, and Tall is not a goood looking brotha (although he has a big dick..lol), the question popped into my head.. what is it about him, that he likes. what does he see in him, what did he have that i didn't and as the tears began to form in my eyes, the answer came- it didn't even matter because my love was no longer the same and it wasn't about him cheating on me or sleeping with me and dude at the same time. it was about me.
It was about my own insecurities. my own vunerability. it was about the fact that he choose this other man over me.. and that is what hurt... it hurt because again i wasn't enough... not enough for him at least, nor for any other man that i had as of late met.
And then and there the water from my eyes fell to the tips of my eye lids and I sat down to write this post.
This post is about me... it's about my own fear, the betrayal i feel. how i so want to love a man but i'm so afraid.. and i think my "hetero" instincts are kicking back in, don't get me wrong i am not straight or heterosexual but i am attracted to women and sometimes I crave their comfort- i also crave the comfort of a strong brotha who i can spend my life with... when will he come and will he ever come? these questions on some levels may never be answered all i can do is hold on to hope and do as I've always done.. take care of me, and love myself like no other.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Well today, I read over all my consolidation information in regards to my student loans and I can't believe these muthafuckka going to put me on a replayment plan that will give me thrity years to pay them their sorry ass money back, yet will also give me the oppornuity to pay them over twice as much as I borrowed. So, you know I am P I S S E D!!!!!
I done went over my budget for the 40th time, and I will now pay these muthafuckas double payments for the next few years and write them a letter to put the overpayment amount towards my prinicipal balance and don't be putting that shyt as a pre-payment.
Why and the fuck would they put it as a pre-payment anyway? Well, why not... keeps me paying for fucking ever right? And I can't be 58 years old talking about I finally paid off my student loans. I mean how the fuck am I going to buy the house if I'm paying student loans for 30 years???
It's a fucking trip.... so I will say this, to yall whos going to college watch the loans you take at, cause u will have to pay them back and they going to try and fuck u hard.. and it dont feel good.
Short and I have known each other for a while now, she actually lives on one of the properties that I manage and we originally kicked it off one day when we got to talking about theatre. The conversation started and that was all it wrote- We have hung out a few times, you know movies, culture events, and of course plays. And such was the process last night... except it included a great suprise.
Short and I hooked up about 7:30 and headed to see this play at this church on the Southside... I don't even know if I should call it a play, but it was something else. I love our people I do, but why the play was scheduled to start at 8:00 and didn't start to 9:00, then to make matters worse at 8:30pm there figured they would throw a "comic" on the stage to entertain us until they were ready. To say the least the "play" was a sorta goespal musical, which was poorly directed and we were both just a mess in the audience criticing the play and making faces at one another.. To say the least we couldn't wait until Intermissin, which happened at 10:00pm. We ran up out of there so fast and went and got some shrimp and fish. Now, I have to admit, the ghetto has some good food because last night I tasted the best shrimp the Chi has to offer and them things were big too. After that we went to this blues spot, on the Southside at that.
When we walked in, I was shocked, here right in the middle of LA Hood, was a juke joint, I'm talking live music, full band and singers that could blow... a mixed crowd (black and white) and we couldn't even get a seat for the first 20 minutes it was so packed. We finally got a seat and man the music took us off, we ordered drinks from our waitress, who later we learned was also a bartender and singer.. Old girl wore the place out and when she sang Tine Turner her dancer, Brownsugar, an 86 year old woman who had to be Beyonce and Janet's great grandma took the floor and man that woman had a body that would put both B & J to shame and old girl was mixing it, shaking it, all I can say is it was Bootylicious.
Man, the acts that proceeded were all marvelous, Junkyard did his thang, Slim blew us away, and the other acts although I can't remember their names were marvelous. I will difently be back over there and make sure I get there early to get a good seat and will have to make sure my funds are right cause i could have been there all night- for real!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Such a damn shame, cause the brotha got it going on in some of the other areas, but I don't even sleep good with him, so that's also problematic. I think it's because of the masculine/feminine thing and although I've tried to convince myself to look at the other good things about the brotha, it just ain't helping... I can't help it... I'm not attracted to non masculine guys like that. It's like I mean, be u, be urself, but I'm not attracted to that. And I keep having this MLK conversation in my head about the content of one's character but I like what I like and I like the boy next store versus the boy next store of jumps rope or carries a purse... just my personal preference.. For those who are attracted to non masculine guys, I got a few referrals for you... Nice brothas who just lask Testerone.
I know on one level it seems so shallow, but honestly, if it is than I'm guilty.
I like what I like and what I like is MEN. And if you feminine, which means you act like my lil sister or call ur freinds girl, and shyt like that your not masculine, actually lets put it like this, to me, being "gay" is one thing, it means ur attracted to members of the same sex, and that's kewl with me... now when one starts behaving in the manner of the opposite sex one would have what I would call gender identity issues.
Now, let's be realistic we all have to some degree feminine and masculine characterics, (anima and animus) however when you start thinking, breathing and living as the opposite sex you got some issues...
And I mean shyt live your life, I'm definetely not the person to tell someone how to live, I am however the type of person to say please respect my space and queen out over there... because I'm just not attracted to all that... honestly I don't understand it... and kinda don't want to.. long as I'm tolerant and respectful.. I don't think it makes a difference..
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
So, anyway... had a little conversation with my lil sisters today about what else than my crazy mother because don't know why she would do this, well I do-- she's a religious zealot, who is waiting for Jehovah to come get his people... but at any rate, she got mad at one of my little sisters woke her up in the middle of the night cursing and screaming at her about "how she wasn't going to be nothing"... so, I had to ensure my little sister that that wasn't true.... which was a task.... i try to make sure that they have a healthy sense of self esteem although they are living with religious Hitler.... so, started with "well you know that isn't true", and proceeded to the challenges I've faced as a black "gay" man and how people will always say things but if they aren't true you shouldn't worry about them and when someone tells you "No" you have to be strong enough to say well yes, I will do it, and I will do it for me. And so I decided that I will do it..... I'm going to call and talk to them tomorrow about how them must be better than me, because that's what they were designed to do... I was just the water cutting on and they must continue the stream... will this knock me out of the position in the family as the success or the one who made it yes, but it's more important to me, to make sure they learn how to be oung independent successful women than to glout about how I'm the first and only person in my family who went to college... in the end it's so not about me... no matter how hard that is to tell and accept sometimes... but its true.. the journey is so much to do with others and very little to do with me... and that i do have faith in.....
in the big picture where do u stand?
i choose to stand by others... not alone...
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Tonight, or this afternoon rather, we sat and throughly enjoyed a production of King Lear, starring Stacy Keach at the Goodman. The production was first rate and they most have spent a Million dollars on the set alone, because I was truly taken back, when they had the nerve to have the actors ride out in a car, 5 deep, and when the doors and windows opened, the smoke escaped and they were truly blazed, talking bout a smoke out in Shakespeare day, that shyt was too funny..
The other thing that was funny was my reaction when Edmond, sans clothes rolled all over the stage and Stacey Keach, (King Lear) proceeded to join him in all his nakedness. My eyes were surely amazed and my brain fascinated.
Here the artistic director of the Goodman for the past 20 years has taken one of Shakespeare's mastrepieces, added the most of contemporary of elements, drugs, sex, and rock and roll, twisted with it the language and iambim pentameter of Shakespeare's day that simply shines even through some of the flawed acting. All three sisters in my opinion were Weak.... Goneril, being the weakesy, than Cordelia (who you should care about the most, followed by Regan.... The men for the most part stole the show for me, the marvelous Howard Witt as the Fool, Stacy Keach as LEar (that man has one hell of an imagination), Steve Pickering as Kent (he was the clearest actor of all, in control of the language and truly made you understand every word without needing a dictionary or lexicon).
But out and out, this show is about the Director... Robert Falls has truly taken this Shakesperan tragedy and made it almost a comedy.. something so entertaining your never afraid ur going to fall asleep and he keeps you guessing, with his innuedoes, forbidden love triangles, sense of sexuality and most of all the good and evil that lies in us all.... but even in the end, it is forgiveness that saves this production. We forgive the acting pit falls in favor of the excellent production values and creativity that is truly thrown from the stage.
If I can respect anything it's a man with an imagination and creavity and those are two things Mr. Falls most certainly doesn't lack.
Next week, were off to see Hamlet at Chicago Shakespeare...
So, until than, you'll just have to be entertained with the drama, tragedy, and comedy that comes from my day to day interactions with these crazy people who happened to drop in my life... until than... be safe and be well.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Class always started in time, and if your ass wasn't there when the door shut, you were absent. Sit your ass in the hallway and watch everyone else roll around on the mats and imagine what the teacher is saying as she takes everyone but you through today's lesson. But, today, I wasn't in the hallway- today I was on time.
Today I was at my locker changing into my warm up gear and as I entered the classroom, the lights were dim, the music began to play and I along with my other 8 classmates began to roll on the mats, feeling our spines, lengthen and stretching our bodies, releasing the tension in the small of our backs or focusing on the position of our sternums.. and chest up.. release... we worked just about every part of our bodies, in near darkness, the teacher lead us through the warm-up. I remember being so comfortable, relaxed even.. then it happened.
A small voice opened the door and said I'm sorry you have to leave the University is closed.. none of us knew what happened, or how it happened, we just knew that we had to go back home.. and here I was for once on time.
Little did I know, until we walked down a few blocks to catch the train..
little did I know that a plane had run into the WTC.
Little did I know before I would make it home to my apartment with two of my classmates that the other plane would hit..
Little would I know that my heart would pound and tears would come to my eyes as I witnessed people jumping to their deaths.. refusing to be burned by fire or smashed to peices..
little would I know that here I was watching humanity.. mankind struggling with the most unimaginable thing ever.. with survival..
I got on my cell phone and tried to call one of my exes, although we hadn't talked in some time.. My mouth suddenly longed for the taste of his saliva, for the warmth of he's embrace. to know that he was ok... and wasn't in or near that building... those buildings...
i became and remained tense... afraid... for lack of a better word and deeply confused... my phone kept going off, calls from loved ones making sure i was ok and warning me not to go down town because the Sears tower might be next..
I wanted to disappear to dig a hole so deep that I could hide from any harm, but I couldn't there I sat watching human life collapse as the tower went down... mouth agape.. unbelieving what I just witnessed... and than again... the other tower and than i felt disgust, vomit wanting to purge from my chest but nothing would release but tears and anguish..
this sights would run through the television for the next few days.. we remained numb....
later that day we said our good byes and there i sat in my one bedroom apartment wondering in the words of Marvin Gay "what's going on?"
Why does it do it after I've typed a pretty lengthy blog and than it decides that it doesn't want to transmit it.
Someone tell me why?
why did it not save my 9/11 blog entry and I don't feel like re-typing it!
Friday, September 08, 2006
NEW YORK -
Brad Pitt' ever the social activist, says he won't be marrying
Angelina until the restrictions on who can marry whom are are dropped.
"Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able," the 42-year-old actor reveals in Esquire magazine's October issue, on newsstands Sept. 19.
And we always knew he was family... lol... but the real question is do they think it will really work?
I'm all for gay marriage don't get me wrong...
oh and i have a crush on this dude that i see at the gym....
the way the brotha looks at me makes me melt...lol... he makes me so fucking nervous and the other day he sees me and smiles this big ass smile, with them white ass teeth, and says "whassup man"... I was like chillen.. chillen.. sup wit u...and then we had a long ass intellectual convo in the steam room... he's a cutie pit but he might be str8 so I'm keeping my distance.. sometimes guys are just "freindly"...lol...
Friday, September 01, 2006
Good news.. good news.....Ana Gayster is hitting Broadway once again.. but this time as the Wicked Witch of the East.. in Wicked.. if you haven't seen it, you've been living under a rock.. and you better go to get your tickets now... she will be joining former cast mate from the Chicago production Kate Reinders....
I fucking love this show.. I've seen it three times already! and might break down and spend a twenty to try and win a lottery ticket to sit in the front row to see it again...and based on the fact that there are four productions going on right now.. i guess i ain't the only one who Wicked has cast a spell on... Right now, there's the NY company, the Chicago company, the Touring company, London company with Indina Menzel, the LA company is being finalized and shyt, they also have a Tokya company.....
Wicked is wickedly good...
And no I haven't seen the Color Purple but it's coming to Chicago next year and I will get my tickets.. but back to Wicked....
The Musical basically covers the back story to the Wizard of Oz... what happened before Dorothy's country behind got in the picture,., it's filled with songs and emotions that we have all felt wither it be liking that boy or girl, wanting to be loved, being friends, and than growing apart... the thought and insecurity of someone loving you who you've always liked but never imagined that they would like u back... and it answers the question who knows good from bad.. right from wrong.. and is it just presumption.
Was going to post some lyrics but peep the link and check them out for urself...
So, yo.... this "gay" moment has been brought to you by playbill.com....
LOL.. Have a good weekend peeps..
Monday, August 14, 2006
I had a long packed weekend and I'm hoping the week goes fast, so I can get back home and relax.
So, Thursday, I found myself sitting in a theatre listening and watching a crazy ass musical. The entire time, I'm thinking to myself this is really bad! With the exception of one performer, the cast was just simply bad- and I couldn't decide if it was the script, the music, the direction, or that some peeps just can't act! (Sorry)... the singing was a little bit better and the dancing at least kept you interested. So, I trudged through it, smiled at the director when I saw him and said, well what else could I say, (I surely couldn't say wow, that was really bad, with the exception of the main chick, and the one song_... so I said, hey congratulations. I don't know exactly what I was congratulating him on- but hey had to say something.. and hey it's takes alot of work to put on plays.. so I'm going to give the man a break... so anyway, I departed from the theatre and stopped by one of my favorite South Side dips... had a glass of wine and carried my behind home.....
Friday, I found myself re-arranging the clutter on my desk.. actually got some clutter off my desk and than hung out with a co-worker for a minute.. (Well don't know if we really hung out, because we just bitched about our jobs).. so at any rate, left her, went home, walked the dog, chilled out.. hit the bar for a quick minute.. actually ended up meeting a cutie pie, we went home together, kissed like i dont know what.. laid up, hugged up ALL night, no sex- which was kewl... and just chilled.. I got up on Saturday, around 2pm and shyt, showered, and shaved and was ready to start the day...
So, I walked the dog, chilled out for a minute and then went to my "family reunion".. I discovered that I have family here in Chicago is two parts of the family were getting together so I found myself on the lakefront with my "family"... was crazy, just talking to everyone and I'm a few generations removed so, it's a challenge especially when you female cousins want to jump your bones..lol... and I'm being serious... had three of my older female cousin ask me "you sure u my kin".. by the end of the day I wanted to run away, but had alot of fun.. and it was refreshing until (yep, there's an until...) homophobia had to rear it's ugly head... it amazes me how people are homophobic and don't know it.. so were playing cards and there's alot of kids around, so a little boy who wasn't family, but was a freind of the family was chasing on of the cousin's around.. and out of my cousing mouth, the one who wanted to fuck me earlier comes... "Oh you like her baby... you ain't no kin to us is you... oh you like her baby, i'm glad... im glad you like girls and she likes boys and I'm glad you like her....".... All of a sudden all my damn, this is really kewl... stopped... I was frozen.. did I really hear what I thought I heard.. and that started a mini conversation that I really didn't want to be in attendance to hear... the punks this and that.. started and I quickly focused on diverting the conversation back to playing cards... Because I wanted to get up and leave... I no longer wanted to be apart of this family.. and of course since this was the first day that I was meeting everyone I didn't want to make the announcement that I'm Emotionalbrotha, your gay cousin...But, inside of me, for those one or two seconds that I froze I became angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, upset, I wanted to punch the shyt out of someone because here it was again..... Homophobia had reared his ugly head.. and this wasn't the first time, that I had witnessed this behavior at a family event.. the last event I attended resulted in someone being called a "faggot" and a "sissy" and I knew that I would not attend events at that family members house any longer.. oh, and I forgot or maybe I blogged about this before but when a freind of the family invited me to join them on a trip to Jamaica only to turn around and punch me in the gut, by adding but you got to be straight! You got to bring a lady with you.. this is a straight couples event only and right then and there I knew I wouldn't be going to Jamaica with this crew and I would be avoiding this asshole like the plague...
So, anyway, the conversation was back on track and the Spades game was back on... we had to get up from the table cause we got whopped but it was all good.. I knew were I needed to stand with some of my family members and that was far back... I mean way back away from them.. and then I got to thinking about my life and alienation and how many times have I because of either fear or other's ignorance, how many times have I just ignore, avoided, or not stayed in contact with someone because of their comments relating to being gay.. and I think I have done that alot... which is good because I don't allow others to abuse me in regards to this but it's also fucked up because u miss out on part of the journey....
So, anyway.. after the BBQ, I found myself with my younger cousins, smoking.. drinking...watching tv... of course they wanted to talk about "hoes"... I hate that shyt.. straight men, crack me up with their I'm god's gift to the world BS.. so, anyway I found myself quickly at the door on my way home or to the club and most of Saturday night I don't remember..lol.. too much liquor and weed... I do know this though... I woke up in some strangers bed.. but nothing happened the night before.. I passed out and dude well went to sleep pissed off cause he thought he was fitten to get some... HaHa... anyway, supposedly, Jamacian said that I asked him for a kiss at the club... he said I was off the chain...lol.. No, he didn't give it to me.. he was trying to be up on his Ex.. who is some whack ass niggah, who I know.. but didn't know that was his ex.. the world is too damn small....lol...
So, anyway... On my way home... which it took me an hour... note, to self chill out on the drinking and next time go home with a stranger who lives closer to you...lol.. Just joking... So, on my way home, I decided to walk off the liquor and I took a walk thru the park... it was a pretty nice day, not to hot-- not to cold... I saw a few familiar faces and met this dude who ended up going home with me.. watching movies with me.. and the brotha cooked me some dinner.. it was all kewl.... until we were about to have sex.. and dudes booty was dirty... (I apologize to my str8 bloggers....).. so I said iight man, let's just chill out... kewl.. kewl.. watched movies... laid up... hugged.. in fact this morning the brotha said damn you hugged me all night.. I was like yeah that's me Mr. Cuddles...lol.. so anyway, was kewl.. woke up to him sucking me off... he gives good head and then he sat on my dick.. and i was like yo, hold up... get that towel right there, and blah blah blah.. so i started pumping and something told me to check to make sure everything was clean.. and i pulled out my dick and theres shyt on the condom... I'm like ok.. it's over -- (For gods sake).. I mean I know it's a booty but don't use me as a urinal.. that's just nasty... so I go get some toilet paper clean everything off.. remain calm... wash my man... and jump in the shower but not before i put dude out because now I'm turned off and you can't turn me back on....
I mean I hate that shyt,, I know it's a ass... but clean ur shyt than give it up.... don't give nobody gravy or dressing.. i want fresh salad, no croutons-- no dressing.. just fresh booty... so, all the hugging, and moving watching and u cooking me dinners is over... why cause u couldn't have enough respect not only for urself but for me... Dookieboy...LOL.....
LMAO... But, I had to get that off my chest... that is sooooo NASty.......
That's going to be dude's name from now on (saving it into my phone...).. I'm just plain ignorant.. and that was a wrap...
Thursday, August 10, 2006
And for once I decided to take my mom's advice...
I've decided to mind my own damn business... (At least until things get worse)
After all teenagers will be teenagers and when I was 17, I was a hot mess... drinking, sexing, cursuing, smoking weed.. sleeping with men.. sleeping with women.. sleeping wit my freinds mothers... a HOT mess....lol.. so, I guess my lil sis is about to start her rebel phase... she's still a virgin, so lets hope between all the transition at least that will last..
So, in the meantime... minding my own..
The often inebriated Calamity Jane character on HBO's TV show Deadwood uttered words that are important for you to take to heart. I'll paraphrase her observation in order to streamline her drunken syntax: "Every day you have to figure out how to live all over again." Of course this is always true, Aquarius, but it's even more intensely apt for you right now. The good news is that you'll be unusually skilled at deciphering the ever changing rules of the master game, and you're also likely to have maximum fun while doing so.
by Dan Savage
August 8th, 2006 1:03 PM
Q. I was dating an amazing guy—smart, funny, caring, and interesting. I just wasn't that attracted to him. I enjoyed hooking up with him, but it was never one of those "Oh man, I just have to have you" things. Enter my good friend, whom I'd been harboring a crush on for quite some time. I was sure he wasn't interested in me, so I didn't think it would affect the relationship at all. We were at a party—this was about three months into my relationship with Boy No. 1—and it turned out that he was interested! And since my attraction to him is extremely intense, we had sex. I thought he would want to date me after that, so I broke up with Boy No. 1. Turns out, it was just a one-night stand. Oops. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I still really like Boy No. 1. Having sex with Boy No. 2 was a mistake, and if I could go back and change it, I would in a heartbeat. I know you're probably thinking, "Wow, what a bitch," right now, because I am too! I feel terrible, but I want my old boyfriend back!—Stupid Bitch in South Carolina
A. And why do you want Boy No. 1 back? It can't be because he's smart, funny, caring, and interesting. Boy No. 1 was all those things when you dumped him for Boy No. 2. And unless Boy No. 1 got a face-and-body transplant in the days after you dumped him, the attraction problem is still going to be an issue, and you probably won't be able to resist the next good-looking guy who comes along. So why do you want him back? Here's a guess: You can't stand the thought of being alone while you wait for Boy No. 3 to come along—a hot guy who wants to date you as much as he wants to fuck you—and so you want Boy No. 1 to be your chump, to hang around and keep you entertained, but just until it's time to dump him again.
But—surprise!—Boy No. 1 isn't interested in being your chump, SBISC, and can you blame him? You fucked around on him, you fucked with his ego, and you fucked with his emotions. Now have the decency to fuck off.
Q. I'm a middle-aged guy, more twisted than most. I'm lucky enough to be married to a very sexy lady who goes along with most of my kinks, even to the point of visiting me while I'm taking a bath and squatting down to give me a drink of her lovely recycled juices.
My question: She has given me a "free pass" to fulfill the kinks that she is not quite up to. I've always wanted to have a gay sex encounter, and I'd like to try it before I get too old or chicken out. But I would look silly cruising a bar, and I'm skeptical about Internet personal ads. Any ideas? —Middle-Aged Kinkster
A. No ideas, MAK. No advice, no guidance, no pointers. You know why I got nothin' for you? Because if we gay guys aren't allowed to be married— to each other—then you married straight guys aren't allowed to be gay. Not even once, not even if you're just going to put it in a little, not even with the wife's permission. (Married Canadian straight guys can be as gay as they like, of course—have at it, fellas.)
Q. I'm 18 years old, dating a 24-year-old. We accidentally got pregnant and are expecting in January. We love each other and we want to stay together, but he doesn't want to talk about getting married. I would marry him in a heartbeat, but that's not the only problem. Because the pregnancy was an accident and because I decided to keep it, I feel that he secretly resents me and has lost attraction for me. His sex drive has gone way down. We still have sex, but only because I beg him to. He says he loves me and still thinks I'm attractive, but his actions speak way louder than his words. I can't talk to any of my friends or family about it, because I don't want anyone to think badly of him or our relationship. I can't even talk to him about it anymore because I always end up crying. What can I do?—Pregnant and Deprived
A. Doesn't your boyfriend read the papers, PAD? According to the state of New York's highest court, the institution of marriage exists expressly to entice the likes of him—that is, irresponsible straight boys—into marrying the likes of you—that is, irresponsible straight girls. Since heterosexual relationships are "often casual or temporary" and "unstable relationships between people of the opposite sex present a greater danger that children will be born into or grow up in unstable homes," the court found that the state can deny same-sex couples—with kids, without kids, whatever—the right to marry. Marriage is set aside exclusively for folks like you!
And you mean to tell me that your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you? What a fucking ingrate! I'm not sure what you can do about it, PAD, but perhaps those judges in New York can help you out. Maybe one of the judges can hold the shotgun while another officiates?
Q. I am a straight man, married with kids. I'm happy, but I need help. There's something I want to try, but my wife is scared. I have always wanted to watch her getting banged by another dude. I also want to get it on with a hot guy. I have talked to her about it, and all I can get her to do is talk about boys we both find cute and do a little role-playing. How do I get her to actively look for Mr. Right for both of us? How come all women wanna get freaky with another girl, but when it comes to male bi-ness the door is closed? —In Need of Hot Boy
A. Oh, great. Another letter from a legally married "straight" wannabe cocksucker. Look, INOHB, while lots of women are turned on by the images of men getting it on—there weren't that many gay guys watching the American version of Queer as Folk—many women feel that a gay sex act somehow diminishes the masculinity of both men involved. Is it fair? No. Is it a double standard? Yes. What can be done about it? Not much.
As for your problem, INOHB, it's like I told MAK: Until we gay male cocksuckers can get married, I'm done helping out married "straight" male cocksuckers.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
This morning, the inevitable happened- I recieved a telephonecall from one of my lil sisters, who was crying. She choked back tears as she told me how my mother had lost her mind at 8:00am this morning and began cursuing her out, hitting her, and than to make matters worse, began choking her- (none of this suprised me- I had warned her earlier about turning the BIG 17 and how my mother would freak out... MY mother did after all evict me from her house at 17.)
So, my lil sis called the police, who I presume are supposed to serve and protect, but decided to tie her arms to the back of a chair with handcuffs and then threaten to send her to "juvee" (detention center). According to my lil sis, the cops told her that they would put her in "juvee" because she called the cops to report the fact that my mom was whopping her ass... (not right)...
So, as I listened to this horror story, I attempted to comfort my little sis, and ask her questions and just told her to calm down... then it happened.. I asked her "so, what do you need me to do?" and she stated well, I want to come live with you.. and I'm like ok and what about school.. and she's like I'll go to school there and I'm like ok... so what are you going to do? and she says well I'm going to ask mommy can I come live with you.. and I'm like ok.. let me know what happens...
So, was my reaction feasible... i mean logically... i mean reasonable...
After hearing the horror story this morning, of how my mother lost her mind- similiar to the same way she did when I was 17, I say hell yes.
Now, I'm faced with how am I going to get her way to Chicago.... is this going to end up being a drive back home to Jersey or a quick flight expenditure, which would mean one of my bills won't get paid and I'm I really ready to live with a 17 year old? I mean, I would have to stop some of the things I do and I would definetely have to stash the porno collection.
I am half worried/ half excited/ half confused... and I feel like what the hell is wrong with my family?
Friday, August 04, 2006
So, I'm going through the list and I decided to click on my own name.. and a screen popped up and then they had like a little questionaire thing.. and one of the questions was what's ur favorite restaurant.. so i started with my usual answers.... Cheeescake Factory... Popeyes...lol.. fucking witya... Popeyes ain't no restaurant... and then I type my old spot in Baltimore and tears formed in my eyes.. because as soon as I typed it she came back into my memory and my heart began to beat hard as hell not because I had forgotten her, but because I try to escape the pain that her memory brings... it's been three years since i've heard her voice, or seen her smile or felt her soft touch....she was the only person... male or female or ever understood me and .. she is gone... has been gone for a long time.. and this place.. this restaurant reminded me of her smile... of her warmth.. of how much i truly miss her.. and that pain is so real..... i miss my best friend-- i think about her constantly without even trying and i'm mad as hell at her for leaving me.
I know she didn't have a choice and that the cancer ate her away and things in the end got real messy and she still made a way for me, even during her demise, she showered me with nothing but love.. and to someone who had never felt that before.. it felt good... i need more of that in my life.... today's memories are yesterday's heartaches which have brought me sorrow today and in a strange way joy... because i know she is smiling somewhere... watching me ravel through this thing called life on my own terms.. in my own skin... maturing into the man i'm supposed to be...
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
This morning, I woke up and when I looked in the mirror I didn't like the man who was looking back at me... this man was me.... I didn't like the way he looked back at me... I didn't like his vunerability... I really couldn't see because I didn't recogiize this man.. this person who was looking at me.. was this really me?
Today. my heart is full of worries. i'm desperately trying to figure out this thing called life.. called existance.. called.. birth, life, death, today i strolled past my blackplanet page and realized that one of my freinds was gone.... not like deleted by my own will... but got as in he killed himself a few months ago.. my breath was taking in that moment.. because again i was faced with the pain which is, which is what life.. i suppose? here my freind, another freind who i'd loved, cherished, held in my arms and wished the best for yet, maybe abused because of my own issues, my own self doubt, unable to see my own beauty and strength and worth.. and this freind this dear freind is now... where-- gone i suppose.. as I was inclined to send him a note asking him why he had done what he had done.. it hit me again there would be no reply... like my other freind.. female, causacian, sweet as new air into a baby's lungs, gone but not by rope but cancer and they say the fire next time. the fire ain't her breast, her liver, her brain, and left her well with a morphine drip and yet i'm here living with all this pain and trying exactly what to do with it, besides inflicted hurt and turmoil into others.. how does one escape this pain.. the pain of the little boy inside me who shaked in his dreams in the middle of the night.. wishing that he could get that man off his momma's ass and stop him from putting her head into the plaster... but he can't so he shakes... violence.. violently shaking the years of turmoil from his fluffed up greasy head... he has once again allowed it to grown... while shaving his beard and feeling once again afraid.. and feeling as is he is once again misunderstood.. and is trying to learn from the past, while living here in the future... but really really really contemplating the future.. what is it... how will it be.. can i ever live in ecxtasy..?? damn, i don't know.. i desire for someone- for some man.. to feel me up, to strenthen me beyond my own capabilities... i desire for a woman to birth my child, to smile at me when i walk by, to be my sister in the struggle and to not disgrace me because i lay with her brotha, love her mother, and really wish i could love her exclusively... but this heart of man is a same gender loving heart... it loves women but not in the same way as men... men make me breathe... men scare me, fantazises me, use and abuse me.. and still i love them.. i am tormented by the steps of men and yet and still i wait for a man like myself who can love me.. and protect me.. as i do him... i am a brotha.. the brotha behind a mission but a mission for what-- of what... what do i stand for... who am i... who have i become.. and who and what am i doing here.. with tears in my eyes and this fire in my soul... my chest is wood.. and my breathe ignites every being that is this man.. when he looks at me.. when i met him.. when we touch it is extastic.. and this thing ain't even sexually.. it is kinestic.. charasmatic... it is life.. it is death,..it is everything i ever wanted and more than i've ever urned.. this is my dream.. my reality. the thoughts i have for the man who hopefully will have me... who will kiss all my scars and say that i am all that he ever wanted and more.. that i am enough.. for him and that no matter what he will never forsake me.. that here in his eyes i am the moon, sun, stars, the oceans, waves, comets, nitrogen, hydrogem, atoms, both + and - and he couldn't imagine.. couldn't endure a day without seeing my face, kissing my lips, feeling my thighs against his as we rock into the night.. sweating against each others face. tasting the sweat spit that arouses our tonsil to touch and his fingers to brush softly against my eye brows as i look down afraid, embarrassed.. but not letting go of his embrace.. as i kiss his neck, yank his chain, bend down to let him know that i am all his.. as i pick him up, and look deeply into his eyes... losing all of this fear... all this precaution in the mystery which is this man... this man.. who feels like day break and nightfall all in one.. who feels like homemade apple pie and my old pajamas with the footies.. to this man... i am waiting.. for this man i am preparing.. to this man... have mercy on ur soul cause u will have ur hands full with me.. to this man i will be true.. to this man i save my love.. to this man.. i am... i am.. what? I am afraid... i am both weak and strong.. i am adam and eve meets steve meets tyrone... me and my 25 personalities are all here singing along... as off key as it may be.. to this man.. will u marry me????
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
So, bloggers, what are your recommendations for a December vacation---
I'm thinking somewhere nice and hot and with clear blue water, good drinks, and just a few brothas that I could relax, kiss, smile, cuddle, and lay up with...
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
with a secondary love language being
Complete set of results
|Acts of Service:||6|
|Words of Affirmation:||6|
InformationUnhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
Take the quiz
Klein Sexual Orientation Grid
I scored an average of 3.48
MeaningThis result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:
0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but morethan incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentallyheterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual
SummaryThe idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.
Take the quiz
Thursday, June 29, 2006
so.....this is part one of My past, My Present, My future... a Series of entries...
So, when did I first start liking other guys?
Well for as long as I can remember I've been "gay".. I honestly think I was borne this way.. I can remember being very young and seeing a lil girl and wanting to pull her dress up and then see a little boy and wanting to pinch his butt. I remember that when I was very young i got caught kissing another little boy. Why or how i did it, I don't know.. must have felt like the right thing to do at the time. Well shortly, after this incident, I learned that it wasn't something that I should have done nor was it an acceptable thing. Believe you me, I got whopped that day... and just barely escaped the "faggot" and "sissy" calling.
As I aged, I remember being about nine years old and I had a friend lets say he's name was Ike. (Ike and I were friends until about eight years ago- a combination of me growing into who I am and him being who he is/was.. and the fact that ever since I was nine years old, I was in love with this man/boy. And as we got older, he was fully aware that I was in love with him. I wouldn't say that he was "gay" but he did have extremely complicated feelings or an emotional attachment for or to me.) So, at any rate, I wouldoften avoid going home and stay over Ike's house. Ike and I were often inseperable until someone more polular, more attractive, more
hip, more whatever.. especially the females.. when ever they came around I was dog's liver...
um, that's until Ike needed someone to really talk to and then he would come to me, Emotionalbrotha. The memories of our bonding still at this moment bring tears to my eyes because I witness the strength and desire for me to be me, and I gave up so much to be who I am, and I love me.. more than I love anyone else, even Ike.. and he was my first love. He was
my idol, my friend, in my young head he was my boyfriend.
I gave up a part of myself to be his friend, because he needed to shine and I a young dirty black "gay" boy.. I was content with allowing him to shine as long as he was my friend. In alot of ways I hated that I did it..... but it was what it was... today, I am and I am becoming who I'm meant to be and yes Ike played some part in that. In retrospect, he taught me about straight men, about how they will abuse you and use you if you let them... and they don't care how much you like them or love them- It's all about them.. and Emotionalboy decided that he didn't deserve nor would he tolerate abuse.. so he committed suicide and he he reinvented himself as a smart, razor edged young man who would take on the world... especially after Ike's older brother began to molest me when I stayed the night and of course as we got older, the truth came out and Ike felt betrayed that I allowed his brother to do things to me. Let me be clear when I say noone asks to be molested!! NO ONE!
but yo Captain... in regards to some of your comments..
Excerpt from Captain's blog today:
"why is gay men so perverted? We all know that gay men are the most sexual beings without any control over sexual desires and promiscuity. In addition, gay men have the lowest relationship vitality rate than any other couple combination. However, gay men aggressively seem to make everything sexual, and involving sex into everything they think, feel or discuss.Why must gay men be so sex-driven in all they do?"
Actually, gay people are no more sexual than heterosexuals.. loook at Mardi Gras... when all the hoes and non hoes are showing their titties and getting gang banged why are you smiling?? but when "gay" folks want to display or assert their sexuality it's a problem....
Yo, in regards to lack of relationships... theres a whole bunch of mofos scared to come out the closet because of comments and minds like yours... but i know some folks in relationships.. i know some not in relationships.. compatibliity is a muthafuckka.. but lets take all the financial , moral, emotional, spiritual, and communial support from heterosexual relationships and see how ling they last? Why don't most "gay" relationships last... well finances, in/out status, sexual preference, masculine vs, feminine, compatibility, no familiar support, most of us our still in the closet, or too far out of the closet... shyt can some of us just grad out clothes and get dressed in front of the mirror...
but check this out, when same sex indivuals can walk down the street holding hands then you will see an increase in same sex relationships... i'm sure their out there obviously u just cant see them... perhaps their afraid of your fiery tongue.. i for one, am not... However, to my other brothas and sistas I know that Being "gay" ain't easy... and dammit I ain't smiling when I say that shyt either.. sometimes I want to cry a thousand tears because people are so hateful, but I choose to just live life..
and honestly, when you look at it, we just need to get over other peoples issues and live our damn lives because most "gay" folks I know don't really have a problem with being "gay" they have a problem with other people's reactions to them being "gay".. and Captain your attitude
is fucked up!!!
but yo, got a question for you If "gay" people bother you so much, why be bothered with us?????
Also, question for the other bloggies, if your "gay, what would you do if you were hetero.. and if your hetero what would you do if you were "gay".....??????
Would you tell or would u be in the closet... and hwo do u think u family would react? How much support do u think u'd get?
Monday, June 26, 2006
1 hour, 30 minutes ago
WASHINGTON - Having several older brothers increases the likelihood of a man being gay, a finding researchers say adds weight to the idea that there is a biological basis for sexual orientation.
"It's likely to be a prenatal effect," said Anthony F. Bogaert of Brock University in St. Catharines, Canada, "This and other studies suggest that there is probably a biological basis for" homosexuality.
S. Marc Breedlove of Michigan State University said the finding "absolutely" confirms a physical basis.
"Anybody's first guess would have been that the older brothers were having an effect socially, but this data doesn't support that," Breedlove said in a telephone interview.
The only link between the brothers is the mother and so the effect has to be through the mother, especially since stepbrothers didn't have the effect, said Breedlove, who was not part of the research.
Bogaert studied four groups of Canadian men, a total of 944 people, analyzing the number of brothers and sisters each had, whether or not they lived with those siblings and whether the siblings were related by blood or adopted.
He reports in a paper appearing in Tuesday's issue of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences that having several biological older brothers increased the chance of a man being gay.
It's an effect that can be detected with one older brother and becomes stronger with three or four or more, Bogaert said in a telephone interview.
But, he added, this needs to be looked at in context of the overall rate of homosexuality in men, which he suggested is about 3 percent. With several older brothers the rate may increase from 3 percent to 5 percent, he said, but that still means 95 percent of men with several older brothers are heterosexual.
The effect of birth order on male homosexuality has been reported previously but Bogaert's work is the first designed to rule out social or environmental effects.
Bogaert said he concluded the effect was biological by comparing men with biological brothers to those with brothers to whom they were not biologically related.
The increase in the likelihood of being gay was seen only in those whose brothers had the same mothers, whether they were raised together or not, he said.
Men raised with several older step- or adopted brothers do not have an increased chance of being gay.
"So what that means is that the environment a person is raised in really makes not much difference," he said.
What makes a difference, he said, is having older brothers who shared the same womb and gestational experience, suggesting the difference is because of "some sort of prenatal factor."
One possibility, he suggests, is a maternal immune response to succeeding male fetuses. The mother may react to a male fetus as foreign but not to a female fetus because the mother is also female.
It might be like the maternal immune response that can occur when a mother has Rh-negative blood but her fetus has Rh-positive blood. Without treatment, the mother can develop antibodies that may attack the fetus during future pregnancies.
Whether that's what is happening remains to be seen, but it is a provocative hypothesis, said a commentary by Breedlove, David A. Puts and Cynthia L. Jordan, all of Michigan State.
The research was funded by the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.
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