Early this week, my Ex, stopped by my job to drop off some pictures we had taken when we were together. As I looked through the pictures, most of them were of my dogs and then there was a picture of my sitting on the toilet...lol.. yep.. we used to be silly like that. We did many things together and some of those things I sometimes miss, but right after he dropped off the pictures, he immediately called me and told me to come back outside because he had forgotten to give me something. I walked out the lobby thinking that he was going to give me another picture or clothes or whatever, yet he handed me a business card for a barbershop. I guess he picked up the look on my face, cause I've never been good at hiding my emotions and he said its for yoru beard- they do good jobs there. I smiled and said thanks and walked away. When I got back into my office, I looked into the mirror and I saw me. I saw my fro, (yeah I'm bring the 70's back) and I looked at my beard but I had just shaped it up that morning.. and than it hit me. He was doing it again. He was still trying to fix me.
I mean I'm a handsome brotha and I clean up well, however, I'm not the kind of brotha that gets weekly haircuts, or shaves every other day. I'm truly the guy next store with funky feet, a nappy head that he comes and greases, and just a down to earth brotha with crazy thoughts that deserve some kind of comfort. This has always been an issue for him. He has, as other people, wanted me to be a pretty boy- and that's just not who I am. I prefer for people to like me for me and when I shave and get the head done, I want you to be like damn, I didn't know how handsome you really were. I want someone to love and like me for me- the inside of me, the hurtful side of me, the bruised side of me, the side of me that i constantly consul and hug, for my ugly side, for my loving side, for all my sides.... I want someone to love me.... and I can honestly say that I've learned to love myself and everyday I continue to fall in love with myself over and over again. and although I have my self depreviation moments.. even than i love myself.. i haven't lost all sense of my self worth and hope that i never will.
at any rate, this morning, i came to work, getting some work done as usual and i happened to log on to A4A, now as much as I shouldn't be doing that at work, I had some messages and just decided to check them, so I see that TallandDark is on line. TallandDark is this brotha that my Ex was sleeping with behind my back and when it came out, I was well to say the least hurt. And as I looked at his picture, and Tall is not a goood looking brotha (although he has a big dick..lol), the question popped into my head.. what is it about him, that he likes. what does he see in him, what did he have that i didn't and as the tears began to form in my eyes, the answer came- it didn't even matter because my love was no longer the same and it wasn't about him cheating on me or sleeping with me and dude at the same time. it was about me.
It was about my own insecurities. my own vunerability. it was about the fact that he choose this other man over me.. and that is what hurt... it hurt because again i wasn't enough... not enough for him at least, nor for any other man that i had as of late met.
And then and there the water from my eyes fell to the tips of my eye lids and I sat down to write this post.
This post is about me... it's about my own fear, the betrayal i feel. how i so want to love a man but i'm so afraid.. and i think my "hetero" instincts are kicking back in, don't get me wrong i am not straight or heterosexual but i am attracted to women and sometimes I crave their comfort- i also crave the comfort of a strong brotha who i can spend my life with... when will he come and will he ever come? these questions on some levels may never be answered all i can do is hold on to hope and do as I've always done.. take care of me, and love myself like no other.