Sunday, June 24, 2012

Moving out of a place of shame

Here I am. A few years later but still crying/ trying to figure out what I keep doing wrong. The best mistakes that keep me in an emotional and grounded place. But also a place of great depression and loneliness. This is a place that has a minefield of explosives just waiting for me to take another step that will uncover yet another blemish of this thing we call life. Some days I'm happy and other days I'm sad. I seem to cry about every day and may rid it weren't for that I wouldn't believe I was alive or still human. This life is hard for a black man and to add to the complication I'm gay and recently found out that I'm HIV +. I never thought this experience would be mine. That I could enter into a place that drives my depression into overdrive. Into a place of neglect and abandonedment a place that every time you meet a new guy who your attracted to you have to decide how and why and when your going to have "the" conversation. And then how you have to prepare yourself for "the reaction". Every time is like the first time but I refuse to let shame run my life or severely affect my self esteem. Regardless of the optimism it doesn't change the dreadful moment of bein attracted to someone and knowing that you must have this conversation because I refuse to put someone in the situation that I was put in. Makin a decision without all the necessary information. But I can't even be angry with dude Nymore because I had the responsibility of protecting myself And I didn't. Now Im left to deal with the effects of my decision. I think it wouldn't be so bad if I was still with dude but I don't even have that condelence as of now I'm left to navigate this alone. The one place and one thing I didn't want to deal with has. One with the chickens to roast. E