Thursday, August 28, 2008

Papa Don't Preach

Yesterday, I finally came out to my father. The rest of my close family personally already knew because I told them eleven (11) years ago. But because my father and I never had a relationship he was the only one I hadn't personally told that I wasn't hetersexual.

The conversation went pretty well, partly based on the fact that someone from back home had ran my business thru the street and partly because I am finally at the point in my life where I am comfortable with the decisions I've made and at peace (for the most part) with the fact that my sexual oreintation was choosen years ago- even before I started pulling up little girls dresses and pinching little boys on the behind.

My father's response was one that I hadn't expected... it was true acceptance... he said that...
I'm grown and the decesions I make are mine
that he loves me no matter what
that Jesus loves me
that he's proud of the man that I've become
to not allow people to beat up on me or to beat up on myself because of my sexual orientation
that he always brags about the fact that i put myself through college
that he was always harder on me because i was he's son and that no matter what he loves me...

my father gave me a blessing that i've in some way urned for since childhood..... love...... now, if i can erase the fabrication that my parents don't love me.. maybe... just maybe i can love and accept love in return from my one and only....

if no one told you today...... somebody loves you.... and although my dad's now a pastor he sure didn't preach... and I thank god for that

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Work & Identity

For the past two months I have not gone to work. I have a medical excuse as to why I'm not there but it seems like the depression from not going to work or perhaps my day not being structured from the work that I'm required to do for a paycheck has finally got to me.

And it is now that I have to ask my self the following:

How does work attribute to my identity?
How does work affect my self esteem (I mean there is no business cards any more to identify who and what I do)?
How has work prevented me from focusing on what's really important in my life?
Am I working a job which speaks to my heart and to my potential?
Would I be happier working somewhere else/ doing something else?
How has work helped me get to where I am in life and at what cost?
Does my work give me pleasure?

These are the questions that I'm battling with today as I wake up after 3:00pm and not because I didn't go to bed at a reasonable time but more because the work I've done is not satisfying....

What's a brotha to do????