Friday, October 20, 2006

T.R. Knight comes out the closet

Damn, I just read an article that one of the actors on Grey's Anatomy has come out the closet. Now, why can't some cute black actors do that?

What would happen if lets say Shemar Moore or Boris Kodjoe (cause he's cuter) came out the closet, how would you feel.. how do you think the black community would react?

Monday, October 16, 2006

various poetic thoughts

some of us choice to remain in the closet.
we allow fear to silence and immobilize our lives. but i have to move. i can't stay defined in one expereince.
for long.
i urn for the greater things in life.
n no amount of fear will silence me.

u logged on. posed as a gay man. to lure another gay man into a park.
u four white men. him- one black man. 5'7. 145.
was there even a struggle. or was it easy to beat him. 4 u to think that is was the end of the slavery n u just had to get ur last whips in. how was it.

then he got away. ran ito traffic they say.. n was then hit by a car. STRUCK.. star struck. thats what alot of us are. hiding. making love at night. with the lights off. dark. we want it so dark we dont see. we only see each others teeth as we grunt ourselves into extasy. why is it that this is how it is to be.

first rashawn. now.u. tomorrow maybe me. and even before rashawn there.were.others. when is enough- enough.

the revolution will not be televised. our deaths. will. not. be. in. vain.

we must fight back. to take back the right to be human.


i'm filled with anger. n sadness. and confusion. as i light the joint, put my head to the back as u kiss me passionately. deeply. ur tongue tickles mine. n then i don't hear from u in two days. after u've wetted my palate with ur sweet kisses. laid against ur soft skin. melted within ur arms. n now ur gone. it's reality. it's real/ it's true. but it ain't fair. i want to love u. for u to love. me. but i don't.even.know.u.
ur just a fanatasy within my head. ur touch is the touch i urn for. the touch that sends me to chatrooms. because without it i'm lonely.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Annual Dr. Visit's and other Crazy thoughts

On Wednesday I went for my second Doctors appointment of the year. I always make sure to go to the Doctor's Office at least twice a year and since it's been almost 8 months, I decided it was time to get a check up.

The receptionist as always made me mad, they took too damn long and than sent me to the first floor to register. I told her, it would have been helpful to tell me that when I made my appointment.

At any rate, than the nurse finally sees me and she's talking that "I've been in America but still have my Asian Accent shyt". I ask her about flu shots, they don't have any but I can go to Walgreens and get one. I looked at her like she was crazy. I said I just paid a $20.00 co-pay and my flu shot is included with those monies.. so, yall better have a flu shot next time I come in here. She looked at me like ok, whatever "give me uya arm Mr. Emotional" She then stuck the thermometer in my mouth as she continued to talk so I couldn't answer her. I was like Ok, Kim from Ms. Saigon with a nursuin degree, you damn well I can't answer you and get my tempearute taken at the same time.

But, whatever, I finally got in to see the Doctor. He asked me what was wrong, why had I come. I explained that my ear was hurting me again and was here for my check-up. He weighed me, told me I lost 12 pounds and than told me that I needed to lose some more weight cause my target weight is 165 lbs. I looked at him like he had ten eyes. I mean ok, #1 I'm African American and I'm 5'10. But 165 is weighing too little. .... I know this because I used to be 165, and although you couldn't tell me a thing at the time.. I look back at the pictures and I look like one of the starving children in those Ethiopa save the children commercials.. sickening... so I told him, listen my goal is to get down to 190, thats about it... he said ok kewl.. 185/190 is realistic for you... I smiled and gave him a yeah that's compromise look...

So, then he hits me with "Mr. Emotional, last time you were here your cholestrol was very high and i want to put you on some medication for this".. I was like what... Hey, lets do this send me back down for a new test and than if it's not better you can give me a "make me better/ fix me" pill.... In the meantime, I'll really have to hit that treadmill a little harder because I can't be under thirty having a heart attack.

So, he explained to me about cholesterol and the fact thats it diet based and/or genetic. So, I have to once again alter my diet, which I have already started and will get these pounds down... it's funny how after five years of becoming something/ someone that everyone else wanted -you just now want to be yourself... Right now, even in the throes of the comments regarding my fro.. i just want to let it fro out and get in shape.. I'm bringing the 70's back..and they don't know how to act... yeah. it's a fact.. emotionalbrotha is bringing it all back.... dadda... da.daa.da

Anyway..... so, I have to cut down on meat... in specefic my Wild Wednesday Popeyes Chicken night, where I endugle in 6-8 peices of delicious Popeyes Chicken.. I can now only have about one or two peices.. well my stomach will thank me later... cause I got to abort this little baby I was I only look like I'm 3 months pregnant now.. the bike and treadmill kicked the 6 month pregnant stomach down.... hahahah....So, I can't eat some many eggs no more, or lunch meat, or cheese or Popeyes.. and my meat contribution have to be no bigger than a deck of cards.. ha, good luck on that one.. but like i said I can't be having no heart attack so..... Why do I feel like animals are evil??? Or should we even be eating them in the first place, they cause so many problems.. high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholestorol.. maybe we're all supposed to be vegetarians like the Apes and monkeys we evolved from..... just a thought... please don't get ur panties or boxers in a bunch... but seriously.. maybe just maybe we need to stop eating our family members.... just "eat" the kinds of meat that we can't digest.. ain't nothing wrong with pussy juice and u ain't never heard someone dying from eating no kitty kat or enjoying some good dick.... so hey, maybe I will have to get my protein from other sources.. of course than my teeth would be so sharp... and we never know when we will need them to do a Mike Tyson on anyway.. my thoughts are colliding so I will day adieu and holla at ya later... love peace, maturbation and no feces.... LOL...

Craigslist Prank

Ok, this morning I read a few articles about some guy who posed as a woman on the internet and for other guys to reply only to publicly embarrass the guys over the internet. I guess it's just another reminder of why not to give out personal information on the internet. As well as why not to air out your dirty laundry on the net.

Below is a link to the "Experiment" WARNING.. This link contains graphic images and is not approriate to open at work or around children...


What would you do if this happened to you? What would you do if all your kinky sides were aired out for all the Net to see? What would you do?

I guess the old saying what happens in the dark must come to light, is well CORRECT..

I'll take Idiots for $1,000.00 Alex...

The question is.. What would you do?

What would I do?

Hmm.. bash the fuckers brain in... lol.. but how would you do that, you don't know who the fuck he is... this is so remiscent of the internet scene in Closer, just more grudgy, crazy and I actually feel kinda bad for these guys... not to mention their wives, who now have all their friends knowing that the real deal is.....

Monday, October 09, 2006

Silent Reminders

This morning, I did my usual, blog reading and my girl Ms. Luvinme, made me cry this morning.. this morning, she reminded me of so much... this morning I have no regrets...

Over the weekend, I met a man, this man and I have something in common, we both dated and loved another man, but of course at different times. This other man is Lot. Yep, the dude that fucked me and left me, and never gave two shits about me. To this day, it hurts when I think about it. This other brotha told me about how after he left Lot alone, he's stomach would hurt ever time he saw him, heard from him, etc. The brotha and I talked, it seemed like forever.. it amazed me how two people could have some what a similiar expereince and how it has taken me years to get over someone who I only "dated" for less than six months. The scars still remain deep... however the healing has begun...

have u ever loved someone so much that it literally caused u physical pains... involuntary reactions to the person? have i? of course, sometimes i feel like such a fool.. but i know understand that i'm just a man. just a man, in every way.. i am human.. and i am affected just about by everything and everyone.. some folks would say that i'm "arrogant" or "conceited" and in their opinions there obviosuly is some truth.. but deep inside i am well fragile, vunerable, and i don't understand why someone would take advantage of someone like that.. why would someone harm someone "just because"? well i don't know... one might say one's childhood, or that someone hurt them so in return they hurt everyone they come into contact with.. pretty much the domino affect.... crashing down.. cascading out of order... right now i am so full.. so full of life, of guilt, of hurt, and paid and sorrow, but also of happiness that these silent reminders are presented to me to help me evolve.. to learn.. to grow.. to mature... to determine what i want to be and don't want to be.. and what i'm willing to accept and what i'm not... one part of me, wants to lash out.. i'm so fucking angry because i'm hurt... because the muthafuckka intentionally hurt me... and i want to cut him... to make him pay for what he continues to do, not only to me, but to other men and women.... he takes us all through if, and leaves u emptier than when u arrived.. and in the end... he did it because i let him.. why couldn't i be stronger.. why didn't i see his bullshyt coming.. before it came.. i mean i'm a smart guy.... but i guess i played the fool... and i will no longer do that... thats one role i will leave for another act to re-enact.... i feel like.. i've done all i can do, and nothing that i have or could do would ever be enough.. so its time, far beyond time,, for me to say fuck off, eat shyt, and die.... get the fuck out my face, head, and heart... u crazy son of a bitch....LMAO..... I know I'm ranting.... but hey it's flowing like that,'s time to hug n protect and love Emotional.

"Emotional it's aiight, it's aiight man, it's ok".......

Saturday, October 07, 2006


Man, I'm sitting here drinking a glass of red wine, while my liver & porkchops are cooling down.

Today was a good day, saw a great play at Congo Square Theatre Company, The African Company Presents Richard III. Was great! Of course, ShortandCute, joined me. After the play, we hit a gallery and saw the great artwork of this brotha from Cali, who lives in New York, who paints pictures of urban black man in classical poses with flowers in the back round. Will look for his name and share the culture. Ok, he's name is Kehinde Willey, check him out and let me know what you think...

Today was definetly, a culture Saturday.

After the exhibit, Short and I departed and I went and worked out and than hit the grocery store for some cooking items, which are now cooking.

I will eat, chill for a minute, check out one of the International Film Fest movies and than go to the Chicago Annual party, yep, it's that time of year again.. when I was first reminded of this, I was nervous because this is the 5th year anniversary of me being in Chicago and I know that Lot will be there, but I'm over him, at least I think that and I keep reminding myself of that, so it should be kewl... and of course, brothas will be trying to holla, so long as don't nobody try n cop clock, it's all to the good.

Hopefully Cute, will join me for the movie. I really enjoy spending time with her... today, we had one of our many conversations and she's quite openminded.. and my philospophy is that of Chekhov, "we can't be happy, we just want to be happy".. as soon as ur aware that ur happy, ur no longer happy.. after making this comment Cute, ask me "Emotionalbrotha, are you happy right now, I looked into her eyes and said yes, but now i'm aware of it, so it's over.... We can never be happy, we just want to be.......

but today was or has been a Good Saturday....

Friday, October 06, 2006

Love. Lust. Lies. Memories. (Part 1)

Early this week, my Ex, stopped by my job to drop off some pictures we had taken when we were together. As I looked through the pictures, most of them were of my dogs and then there was a picture of my sitting on the yep.. we used to be silly like that. We did many things together and some of those things I sometimes miss, but right after he dropped off the pictures, he immediately called me and told me to come back outside because he had forgotten to give me something. I walked out the lobby thinking that he was going to give me another picture or clothes or whatever, yet he handed me a business card for a barbershop. I guess he picked up the look on my face, cause I've never been good at hiding my emotions and he said its for yoru beard- they do good jobs there. I smiled and said thanks and walked away. When I got back into my office, I looked into the mirror and I saw me. I saw my fro, (yeah I'm bring the 70's back) and I looked at my beard but I had just shaped it up that morning.. and than it hit me. He was doing it again. He was still trying to fix me.

I mean I'm a handsome brotha and I clean up well, however, I'm not the kind of brotha that gets weekly haircuts, or shaves every other day. I'm truly the guy next store with funky feet, a nappy head that he comes and greases, and just a down to earth brotha with crazy thoughts that deserve some kind of comfort. This has always been an issue for him. He has, as other people, wanted me to be a pretty boy- and that's just not who I am. I prefer for people to like me for me and when I shave and get the head done, I want you to be like damn, I didn't know how handsome you really were. I want someone to love and like me for me- the inside of me, the hurtful side of me, the bruised side of me, the side of me that i constantly consul and hug, for my ugly side, for my loving side, for all my sides.... I want someone to love me.... and I can honestly say that I've learned to love myself and everyday I continue to fall in love with myself over and over again. and although I have my self depreviation moments.. even than i love myself.. i haven't lost all sense of my self worth and hope that i never will.

at any rate, this morning, i came to work, getting some work done as usual and i happened to log on to A4A, now as much as I shouldn't be doing that at work, I had some messages and just decided to check them, so I see that TallandDark is on line. TallandDark is this brotha that my Ex was sleeping with behind my back and when it came out, I was well to say the least hurt. And as I looked at his picture, and Tall is not a goood looking brotha (although he has a big, the question popped into my head.. what is it about him, that he likes. what does he see in him, what did he have that i didn't and as the tears began to form in my eyes, the answer came- it didn't even matter because my love was no longer the same and it wasn't about him cheating on me or sleeping with me and dude at the same time. it was about me.

It was about my own insecurities. my own vunerability. it was about the fact that he choose this other man over me.. and that is what hurt... it hurt because again i wasn't enough... not enough for him at least, nor for any other man that i had as of late met.

And then and there the water from my eyes fell to the tips of my eye lids and I sat down to write this post.

This post is about me... it's about my own fear, the betrayal i feel. how i so want to love a man but i'm so afraid.. and i think my "hetero" instincts are kicking back in, don't get me wrong i am not straight or heterosexual but i am attracted to women and sometimes I crave their comfort- i also crave the comfort of a strong brotha who i can spend my life with... when will he come and will he ever come? these questions on some levels may never be answered all i can do is hold on to hope and do as I've always done.. take care of me, and love myself like no other.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Major Tude

Right now, I got a major tude! This morning I went through my quarterly bill review process- this is a process I do every quarter, which means I read all my non bills that need to been paid mail and file them in my filing cabinet or I write letters to the assholes who claim I owe them money or who keep harassing me although, I've paid them and have the check and certified mail receipt to prove the recieved it.

Well today, I read over all my consolidation information in regards to my student loans and I can't believe these muthafuckka going to put me on a replayment plan that will give me thrity years to pay them their sorry ass money back, yet will also give me the oppornuity to pay them over twice as much as I borrowed. So, you know I am P I S S E D!!!!!

I done went over my budget for the 40th time, and I will now pay these muthafuckas double payments for the next few years and write them a letter to put the overpayment amount towards my prinicipal balance and don't be putting that shyt as a pre-payment.

Why and the fuck would they put it as a pre-payment anyway? Well, why not... keeps me paying for fucking ever right? And I can't be 58 years old talking about I finally paid off my student loans. I mean how the fuck am I going to buy the house if I'm paying student loans for 30 years???

It's a fucking trip.... so I will say this, to yall whos going to college watch the loans you take at, cause u will have to pay them back and they going to try and fuck u hard.. and it dont feel good.

Saturday Night w/ a Kewl Lady

Last night, I spent the majority of the night with ShortnCute, Short is the kind of woman I would date if things were different. She is about 5'4, very feminine, nice body, a warm personality, has a smile that melts ur heart, and last night she introduced me to the Blues.

Short and I have known each other for a while now, she actually lives on one of the properties that I manage and we originally kicked it off one day when we got to talking about theatre. The conversation started and that was all it wrote- We have hung out a few times, you know movies, culture events, and of course plays. And such was the process last night... except it included a great suprise.

Short and I hooked up about 7:30 and headed to see this play at this church on the Southside... I don't even know if I should call it a play, but it was something else. I love our people I do, but why the play was scheduled to start at 8:00 and didn't start to 9:00, then to make matters worse at 8:30pm there figured they would throw a "comic" on the stage to entertain us until they were ready. To say the least the "play" was a sorta goespal musical, which was poorly directed and we were both just a mess in the audience criticing the play and making faces at one another.. To say the least we couldn't wait until Intermissin, which happened at 10:00pm. We ran up out of there so fast and went and got some shrimp and fish. Now, I have to admit, the ghetto has some good food because last night I tasted the best shrimp the Chi has to offer and them things were big too. After that we went to this blues spot, on the Southside at that.

When we walked in, I was shocked, here right in the middle of LA Hood, was a juke joint, I'm talking live music, full band and singers that could blow... a mixed crowd (black and white) and we couldn't even get a seat for the first 20 minutes it was so packed. We finally got a seat and man the music took us off, we ordered drinks from our waitress, who later we learned was also a bartender and singer.. Old girl wore the place out and when she sang Tine Turner her dancer, Brownsugar, an 86 year old woman who had to be Beyonce and Janet's great grandma took the floor and man that woman had a body that would put both B & J to shame and old girl was mixing it, shaking it, all I can say is it was Bootylicious.

Man, the acts that proceeded were all marvelous, Junkyard did his thang, Slim blew us away, and the other acts although I can't remember their names were marvelous. I will difently be back over there and make sure I get there early to get a good seat and will have to make sure my funds are right cause i could have been there all night- for real!