Today's worries, tomorrow's heartaches, or is this ball of confusion my headaches from the past?
This morning, I woke up and when I looked in the mirror I didn't like the man who was looking back at me... this man was me.... I didn't like the way he looked back at me... I didn't like his vunerability... I really couldn't see because I didn't recogiize this man.. this person who was looking at me.. was this really me?
Today. my heart is full of worries. i'm desperately trying to figure out this thing called life.. called existance.. called.. birth, life, death, today i strolled past my blackplanet page and realized that one of my freinds was gone.... not like deleted by my own will... but got as in he killed himself a few months ago.. my breath was taking in that moment.. because again i was faced with the pain which is, which is what life.. i suppose? here my freind, another freind who i'd loved, cherished, held in my arms and wished the best for yet, maybe abused because of my own issues, my own self doubt, unable to see my own beauty and strength and worth.. and this freind this dear freind is now... where-- gone i suppose.. as I was inclined to send him a note asking him why he had done what he had done.. it hit me again there would be no reply... like my other freind.. female, causacian, sweet as new air into a baby's lungs, gone but not by rope but cancer and they say the fire next time. the fire ain't her breast, her liver, her brain, and left her well with a morphine drip and yet i'm here living with all this pain and trying exactly what to do with it, besides inflicted hurt and turmoil into others.. how does one escape this pain.. the pain of the little boy inside me who shaked in his dreams in the middle of the night.. wishing that he could get that man off his momma's ass and stop him from putting her head into the plaster... but he can't so he shakes... violence.. violently shaking the years of turmoil from his fluffed up greasy head... he has once again allowed it to grown... while shaving his beard and feeling once again afraid.. and feeling as is he is once again misunderstood.. and is trying to learn from the past, while living here in the future... but really really really contemplating the future.. what is it... how will it be.. can i ever live in ecxtasy..?? damn, i don't know.. i desire for someone- for some man.. to feel me up, to strenthen me beyond my own capabilities... i desire for a woman to birth my child, to smile at me when i walk by, to be my sister in the struggle and to not disgrace me because i lay with her brotha, love her mother, and really wish i could love her exclusively... but this heart of man is a same gender loving heart... it loves women but not in the same way as men... men make me breathe... men scare me, fantazises me, use and abuse me.. and still i love them.. i am tormented by the steps of men and yet and still i wait for a man like myself who can love me.. and protect me.. as i do him... i am a brotha.. the brotha behind a mission but a mission for what-- of what... what do i stand for... who am i... who have i become.. and who and what am i doing here.. with tears in my eyes and this fire in my soul... my chest is wood.. and my breathe ignites every being that is this man.. when he looks at me.. when i met him.. when we touch it is extastic.. and this thing ain't even sexually.. it is kinestic.. charasmatic... it is life.. it is death,..it is everything i ever wanted and more than i've ever urned.. this is my dream.. my reality. the thoughts i have for the man who hopefully will have me... who will kiss all my scars and say that i am all that he ever wanted and more.. that i am enough.. for him and that no matter what he will never forsake me.. that here in his eyes i am the moon, sun, stars, the oceans, waves, comets, nitrogen, hydrogem, atoms, both + and - and he couldn't imagine.. couldn't endure a day without seeing my face, kissing my lips, feeling my thighs against his as we rock into the night.. sweating against each others face. tasting the sweat spit that arouses our tonsil to touch and his fingers to brush softly against my eye brows as i look down afraid, embarrassed.. but not letting go of his embrace.. as i kiss his neck, yank his chain, bend down to let him know that i am all his.. as i pick him up, and look deeply into his eyes... losing all of this fear... all this precaution in the mystery which is this man... this man.. who feels like day break and nightfall all in one.. who feels like homemade apple pie and my old pajamas with the footies.. to this man... i am waiting.. for this man i am preparing.. to this man... have mercy on ur soul cause u will have ur hands full with me.. to this man i will be true.. to this man i save my love.. to this man.. i am... i am.. what? I am afraid... i am both weak and strong.. i am adam and eve meets steve meets tyrone... me and my 25 personalities are all here singing along... as off key as it may be.. to this man.. will u marry me????