Thursday, June 29, 2006

Part 1- My past

After my last entry, I got to thinking.... thinking about this whole "gay" thing. Lke when did it start, when did i know, if i could would i change it, am i happy, what does it mean to be "gay", can I and will I every have a good relationship with another man, a hoist of questions filled my head.. and it isn't as if the questions were new and improved these questions are age old questions.. they are the constant question and answer session that revolves around this one brothas expereince in and out of the life....

so.....this is part one of My past, My Present, My future... a Series of entries...
So, when did I first start liking other guys?

Well for as long as I can remember I've been "gay".. I honestly think I was borne this way.. I can remember being very young and seeing a lil girl and wanting to pull her dress up and then see a little boy and wanting to pinch his butt. I remember that when I was very young i got caught kissing another little boy. Why or how i did it, I don't know.. must have felt like the right thing to do at the time. Well shortly, after this incident, I learned that it wasn't something that I should have done nor was it an acceptable thing. Believe you me, I got whopped that day... and just barely escaped the "faggot" and "sissy" calling.

As I aged, I remember being about nine years old and I had a friend lets say he's name was Ike. (Ike and I were friends until about eight years ago- a combination of me growing into who I am and him being who he is/was.. and the fact that ever since I was nine years old, I was in love with this man/boy. And as we got older, he was fully aware that I was in love with him. I wouldn't say that he was "gay" but he did have extremely complicated feelings or an emotional attachment for or to me.) So, at any rate, I wouldoften avoid going home and stay over Ike's house. Ike and I were often inseperable until someone more polular, more attractive, more
hip, more whatever.. especially the females.. when ever they came around I was dog's liver...
um, that's until Ike needed someone to really talk to and then he would come to me, Emotionalbrotha. The memories of our bonding still at this moment bring tears to my eyes because I witness the strength and desire for me to be me, and I gave up so much to be who I am, and I love me.. more than I love anyone else, even Ike.. and he was my first love. He was
my idol, my friend, in my young head he was my boyfriend.

In all actuality he was everything I wanted to be:

popular, good looking, confindent, athletic, smart, funny, courageous, wanted, loved, valued, special, different, straight

I gave up a part of myself to be his friend, because he needed to shine and I a young dirty black "gay" boy.. I was content with allowing him to shine as long as he was my friend. In alot of ways I hated that I did it..... but it was what it was... today, I am and I am becoming who I'm meant to be and yes Ike played some part in that. In retrospect, he taught me about straight men, about how they will abuse you and use you if you let them... and they don't care how much you like them or love them- It's all about them.. and Emotionalboy decided that he didn't deserve nor would he tolerate abuse.. so he committed suicide and he he reinvented himself as a smart, razor edged young man who would take on the world... especially after Ike's older brother began to molest me when I stayed the night and of course as we got older, the truth came out and Ike felt betrayed that I allowed his brother to do things to me. Let me be clear when I say noone asks to be molested!! NO ONE!

5 comments:

4GOTTEN1 said...

I can relate to this on so many levels.

Ladynay said...

I could have read wrong, but your type of man is st8? I ask that because that's not the first time I have read and/or heard that from a gay/bi male.....

Capricorn_HNIC said...

You're right, no one asks. We just pray to heal our scars and for strength and to learn how to forgive and we live life the best way we can.

The LoveHater said...

EMOBRO...your "Ike" reminds me of my "Fred." I was so in love with Fred that I could see us together forever. Our time together was nothing short of magical; knowing what was on each other's minds, vibing off each other's creative energy, and the laughter. As kids, Fred and I had a childhood encounter. As teens our friendship reached heights that of soulmates. Fred's married now, but I know that in some way, he loves me.

Unconquerable Soul said...

it's always good to recap.. because you can look back and see how far you have grown.

stay strong, i'm still praying for you!