Monday, November 06, 2006

Ball of Confusion

Today, I find myself surrounded around a ball of confusion, as the Temptations once sang... the world.. my life is nothing but a ball of confusion today and as I unravel it, in the midst of raveling my hair, I find that there is something inside me that is causing this disorder in my life. it has always been there, it's just now it has really shower itself to me- it is my anger, my hurt, my rage, my adaondment and my bitterness towards life and those who are around me. I like to think myself as being optimistic however, today i find that with the dandruff on my shoulders that my world has spun out of control and I haven't always been the "good" person I portray to be, and that's why on some level this unfornatate series' of events keeping snowballing into my life, even as I stay on the race course and continue to strive to be a man, hopefully the man I'm supposed to be, but at the same time, there is something in my that must be released. It must be sacrificed and I surrender it, this./ myself to the light in search of enlightment, forgiveness, and ask for forgiveness from those who blinded I've wounded.

Last night, I was watching a tape that my ex and i made, and as I sat and listen to myself it hit me that i had wronged this brotha, and that he had wronged me that here we were, both wounded in this emotionally abusive relationship and neither of us would let go. we both choose to embrace our dreadfull behavior and to blame the other for the missed up, on goings, when it was me- who had it twisted. i always longed for someone else to love me and make me complete and know i realize that noone is responsible to make my nightmares go away but me... i am the only one who can make me happy.. who can complete me... it time for me to start loving me... it's weird because i'd always thought i did, but i didn't, i would change for others, cut my hair, lose weight, gain weight to feel safe- to find comfort in the storm instead of crying the tears that wanted to slap my face with their wetness. with their salty flavor.. and i wasn't man enough to let that happen.. i would occasionally let one or two fall but then compose myself and tell myself secretly to shut up and stop crying.. it was this voice that had eaten the womb right out of me, that had stole my backbone and brought the bullet colliding with my left leg. it was me. it was the demon in me. the negative energy. this possession has gotten too deep and i urge for peace and release more now than ever. it is today that i find the courage to let my anger boil, to let my rage unleash, to allow my heart to beat in whatever way it wants.. and today i learn to finally breathe. and i have every right to be angry. my mother was abused and noone helped her. i was then abused and forced to do things against my will and for that i'm not only angry I'm PISSED! I am an angry black man, although I've always tried to prove that I wasn't but the truth is that I am.... and this anger has consumed me- it has lit an overwhelming intense fire within my soul and only my tears will end its wrath..... i want to cry. i will let myself cry, i will release the pain and pressure from my left hip and just breathe... but i'm also afraid....but i will... i will have courage.. i will pray- say my buddhist prayer and i will move like i've never moved... will allow myself to sit still and to feel all the fury that has festered within my being and that so deeply needs to be extinguished but needs and deserves to be expressed.. this time it will be.. what it is... and i will allow it to have full expression over which it's time is long overdue.... i also am regretful that it has taken me so long to come to this realization....... it's time for the confusion to step forth and to be acknowledged. Confusion come forward cause I've been living in confusion long enough and its time for some clarity......

2 comments:

LostInDodge said...

I have so-o-o been in a "Ball of Confusion". Tears and prayer are wonderful tools for searching the soul, and for healing it. But you gave yourself the best advice in an earlier post..."all i can do is hold on to hope and do as I've always done.. take care of me, and love myself like no other."

When you really do that, and when you accept the Absolute Truth that, just for today, you are exactly the man you were intended to be, then you'll start becoming the man you are intended to be tomorrow...and tomorrow...and tomorrow.

LUVIN ME said...

That was so true!

...not the dandruff.

You have to be happy to find happiness. If not, the relationship is unbalanced. You will need more than the person has to give. I've been there...not knowing which way was up, but fortunately I was able to find my way back to me. Though the process is long and hard, it is necessary.