Sunday, November 19, 2006

Old journal entries

Cleaning through my papers and found some journal entries I'd written and before I though the journal away, figured I would type them on here and at least be able to access them when I need to reflect later. The next like 15 post will all be old journal entries.


I visited Sweetness today also met Unconquerable. He's kewl. We hung out for a little bit.

I'm very stressed out over work

Can my play have a heterosexual character revenging the death of his brother to "there will be no more killing of faggots"

I'm lonely

Hot didn't call me back- He doesn't love me anymore or does he?

I've committed to reading & writing every night.

I have to get my life together.

Got to bring the sunshine in my life- Phyllis Hyman- got to let the clouds go by-

What am I to do about my professional relationships?

Is it to late to fix my mistakes?

Will I ever find someone to love me?

I want to cry, will tonight be the night that I let my sorrow show?


For the last few days, I've been feeling sorry for myself or maybe I'm getting depressed don't really know- all I do know is that I'm lonely as hell. Yep, I'm catching hell living here all alone. I miss Hot, yet I won't be happy & I don't make him happy. I haven't gotten any acting jobs & I feel like a failure- my job keeps me very busy yet drives me crazy---I'm still dealing with alot of madness...

8/1/06The thoughts have begun again- I'm feeling like I want to end it- to hurt myself so I will be no more but I persist- I convince myself that life is worth living although times are hard & I feel depressed. I miss Delena.

My soul needs comfort- it requires it & the voices in my head take me further & further away from reality.

I feel lost & alone.

I want & need love so badly, yet it scares me... I'm changing so rapidly, the voices cause so much chaos, I seek comfort in things I don't know.. I have faith that everything will work out.

Imagine life w/ one man who will love me completly
imagine that
imagine, nah live in dark rooms with candles almost so dim u can't see
all i ever wanted to do was fall in love w/ some man and have him fall in love with me.

I lay in my bed & think of all these visions of u...

Something has changed within me.. something is not the same...

Last night I attended a birthday party (HD's) & I couldn't find the right personality to really do what I normally do.. I had a few interesting conversations but for the most part I felt like an outsider--> I was either too fat, to masculine or just not bougie enough--> the party which was VERY diverse, although in my head it seemed like a Will & Grace affair (all the men seemed to be gay and the women straight) the funny thing is the women were commanding more of my attention. At any rate, towards the end of the night I whispered to the birthday boy "I have a present for you but you'll have to wrap it"- he smiled & said/replied "Ok, I'll have to unwrap it"- blame it on bad hearing or the alcohol.. anyway this morning, I woke up & my feelings have changed for him & I'm not sure that I can fullfill my promise. I'm not exactly sure what to do- But, I do know I probably can't go through with it.

Sometimes I don't feel good enough. I constantly ask myself why I feel this way & a million questions come to mine & i think there are things I do to protect myself from getting hurt like not working out b/c I feel like even if I had a nice body, people still wouldn't like me or that I still wouldn't be good enough & the rejection would hurt too bad- butit wouldn't destroy me- So, I think I need to start working out & being disciplined for me & then start to think about people who will like me b/c I have a nice body who don't like me now as I am..

Basking in the the moonlight I am forced to comfort the reflection of my own shadow

I'm unable to sleep
afraid that the visions in my mind with wildly unravel inside my skull & bring about my demise.

To comfort not to silence the voices in my head.. I come to paper & pencil instead..

I blazed the joint & I looked in your eyes and I knew you weren't the one for me...

They had a rough daddy
Daddy was raising them prior to civil rights... when they were still hanging niggahs...

AmI going to die someday??? yes, but youw ill first live

As my father smoked cocaine up his nose I learned... I come to pen & paper .. there the melody flowed...

I'm trying desperately to change & to accept the things I cannot change

I just woke from a nightmare where someone a man (Black) was tryingto shoot me.

I got in my car & he asked me something I replied I got to go & he pulled out a gun
We struggled over the gun
I got tit away from him
I threw it out the window
still struggling, he demanded that I return the gun to him
having not thrown the gun far enough
soemhow he is trying to get it w/ his fot
he says your going to give it to me..
I hit the gas and I wake up

This is/was my nightmare...

The man in the dream was familiar.. I didn't know him, but he reminded me of someone.. he had that same crazy look as the guys I've seen at the park

I'm scared... I don't like being alone.. I wanted to call Hot- but I didn't- he made it clear that he has a lover.... I'll have to get through this alone...

Today, I found mself feeling ugly.. comparing myself to others- not feeling good enough- lacking love- struggling with my own self worth & esteem
comfort sits idle as I want to cry but no tears come
I try desperately to love myself
only to find remorse and sadness..
being apologetic for "my sickness" but knowing & realizing that I am what I am..
a black man (lonely) on a constant battle for self love

8/21/06 Just got home , showered, now in bed.. today I decided that I would gain some decency.. In the past I have and have not had any...

Also today I realized that my relationship w/ Hot is really over & that Delena is dead- she's gone..& she's not coming back...

I need to get my credit togeth and will buy a condo next year..

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