Today's Memories

This morning, it happened again...amongst my morning routine.. eating.. checking.. e-mail.. eating.. checking..email.. answering calls... checking email.. and i received a reminder about a birthday party that I am to attend tomorrow.. No big deal, already planned to go, etc, etc.. but than I started surfing around the guest list to prepare my self to see anyone else that I knew or really didn't want to know.. but just so I could prepare myself.. I mean majority of the attractive people know the other attractive people and who not to say that my buddy ain't sleep with one of my ex's or at least know them and perhaps they are invited to the b-day party as well. --

Who knows....

So, I'm going through the list and I decided to click on my own name.. and a screen popped up and then they had like a little questionaire thing.. and one of the questions was what's ur favorite restaurant.. so i started with my usual answers.... Cheeescake Factory... Popeyes...lol.. fucking witya... Popeyes ain't no restaurant... and then I type my old spot in Baltimore and tears formed in my eyes.. because as soon as I typed it she came back into my memory and my heart began to beat hard as hell not because I had forgotten her, but because I try to escape the pain that her memory brings... it's been three years since i've heard her voice, or seen her smile or felt her soft touch....she was the only person... male or female or ever understood me and .. she is gone... has been gone for a long time.. and this place.. this restaurant reminded me of her smile... of her warmth.. of how much i truly miss her.. and that pain is so real..... i miss my best friend-- i think about her constantly without even trying and i'm mad as hell at her for leaving me.

I know she didn't have a choice and that the cancer ate her away and things in the end got real messy and she still made a way for me, even during her demise, she showered me with nothing but love.. and to someone who had never felt that before.. it felt good... i need more of that in my life.... today's memories are yesterday's heartaches which have brought me sorrow today and in a strange way joy... because i know she is smiling somewhere... watching me ravel through this thing called life on my own terms.. in my own skin... maturing into the man i'm supposed to be...