Random thoughts & forgiveness

Once in a while, I read over my post, and this morning as I was reading my 4/29/06 post I realized that I was beginning to tear up= yes this 28 year old man, had tears falling from this eyes at his desk as he thought back to the days and nights of unimaginable horror- at time sI think those expereinces have destroyed my life, have made me "spoiled" as they say in the Color Purple, has made me fragile beyond belief, and the sadness and anger that fills my body, I want him to pay for what he's done to me, for runing parts of my life, for having me at my desk right now crying, I want him to pay for it, I want to know why someone didn't protect me, why did it have to happen to me, and I know I can't make it go away, I guess the pain will never go away- this will always be apart of my life, I've tried, I try to not think about it, to forget that it ever happened, but I guess doing that hasn't helped and it hasn't gone away, it seems as if only gets worse, I need to address this pain, head on and it seems like I'm dealing with this as I should alone- but sometimes I think, I wish someone was there to hold me, to give me the strength/ the support to cry to hold when me when I let all this torment escape my body- to let myself once again be happy, to be free, but right now it feels like all i know is pain, my life is full of pain, and I hold on to hope that some way some how I will escape this hell which is my life, or some portion there of, it is this this urning this depth for the truth which repels people because my pain comes through my eyes/ through my body/ although i try to hide it, I'm so afraid that if I let go, what will happen to me, who will be there for me, if like before in the past it will be noone and there I will be to hold myself up- I mean I've been holding myself for this long, but this pain. these scars seem unbearble, i feel weak, i feel ugly, i feel poor, and defeated, i feel like i am nothing, and this man, made me feel like something, only to feel even more like nothing because now i'm so caught up with this feelings, like i just want to hurt him, because he had no business doing to me what he did, and no he wasn't the first or the last, but no one had the right to do that to me, to make a child suck ur dick, no to make a child gag on your dick and then threaten him that you would kill his mother and my dumb ass believe it, but i was a child, i was a child, i am a child i guess as i write this because so much of myself goes back to those days, to the railroad tracks, to that old house in New Jersey, and the dirty bed, me knocking on the door, the walls, the curtains, the blinds, the sun, him naked and me exposed.. damn i hate it, i hate myself for allowing it to happen, i need to forgive myself for allowing it to happen- i need to take myself in my own arms and allow myself to greive to cry, because it is the little boy inside who constantly cries and he cries in my arms now.. and i need to be able to hold him, to protect him, to love him like my mother never did, like my father never did, like noone ever did...the time has now come for me to hold him, to cherish him, to forgive him, because he didn't know - it wasn't his fault, it wasn't your fault, it wasn't my fault...