Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Well, I'm dating (not exculsively, but just the same dating) Dude... and I actually spent Mothers Day with him and the three kids that he's raising, which was nice.. a little overwhelming but.. all the same nice.. so Dude brought a few things up to my attention like: I'm self centered, a Selfish lover, that I think it's all about me.. and I was like really?? to which I was like well ok.. and then he said i was controlling which to a point i am... so then he said for example, last night you were like jhold me, get under the blanket baby, come here baby, baby rub my so I guess I am a little selfish however, all i know how to do is communicate my needs.. emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, etc... and he has to communicate his needs otherwise I don't know if he needs something and I'm not giving it to him.. so anyway i went and worked out..

Last night, while working out (yeah baby Day 3) I had an ephiphany- well a breakthrough I suppose, and here it is...

Well for most of my life, I've felt alone in some way, I've always looked outside of my self or relied on freinds or family to "help" me through- all in all in the end I was always filled with disappointment. It seemed as if someone was always disappointing me and further more that I was disappointing someone else of myself and last night as I released the tension from my back I started mumbling "I'm responsible for me, no one is going to take care of you, but you- Noone can make me feel safe besides myself" "I'm responsible for me, no one can make me feel free but myself"- This thoughts/murmers/ mumbles hit me hard- there it was the thing that for so long I've craved.. SAFETY- the one thing that I've always looked for outside of myself LOVE the one thing I could only give to my self TRUST/FAITH is what in these seconds I realized I have inside of me, and that I don't need anyone else to fulfill my deficiencies. and yes I'm a very defiecient person.. and for so long I was attracted and allowed myself to be around people who I hopes whould give me love, safety, trust, faith only to be disappointed because the safety, trust, love, and faith that I need(ed) is the ones that my parents didn't give me, and inside me are a thousand little boys crying for those things, and now is the time that I take each one in the fathers arms.. in my own arms and hold them and make them safe.. now is the time that I have to go and bring them home-- to me, to the one person who loves them more than anyone else.. as hard as it is... I love me.. and all this time here I was and I'm sure in the future I will have times where I foget but I'm responsible for me, for fullfilling my needs, maintaining my health and sanity... and noone is going to make right the wrongs of my past/ of the tortureous nights left behind in a small town in the middle of New Jersey... of all the screams and cries and pants and praying that remain underanswered and all and alone I am the answer.. I am my own Messiah.. not Oprah.. or some fantasy man... I am enough for me... the universe never sends us anything we cant handle and will never break us down to the point that we just cant get back up--- it is now in this time that i learn forgiveness of myself and others.. and i have to start with me... i forgive me.... for the dark nights.. for the lonely nights..for the abuse and being abusive, for the lust, and the strangers and the lies for crying when i should have fought back for everything that has hurt myself and other people... i want to cry, i need to cry, i will allow myself to cry... it's time to cry... please oh please.. let the healing begin..

1 comment:

Cash S. said...

Jill Scott said it best..."There's just me. One is the magic #".

The greatest love is the love we have for self.