Friday, May 05, 2006

Strange Fruit

Thursday afternoon I recieved a phone call from one of my good buddies on the east coast- I was running late for an engagement but I hadn't talked to him in a minute so I answered the phone
Me: whassup man?
Bmore brothe: Yo E, are you sitting down?
Me: Nah I'm on my way to the gala, whassup?
Bmore brotha: Yo, I need you to pull over- I have to tell you something
So, I'm thinking to myself dude must have left his wife or caught a disease or someone's pregnant or something- so I'm like yo just go ahead and tell me I'm running late- and right then and there my mind became blared, my eyes blurry with tears and my mind with confusion-
Bmore brotha: M is dead- he killed hisself- they found him hung.
I'm like what? Hun? That can't be, he wouldn't do that-
Why would this wonderfully intellegent man kill himself- it struck even harder when I reminded myself that just last week I was considering the same plight- only not by rope- because there would be no strange fruit hanging from my closets or doorways or trees and here had this man/ this part of me/ this former partner of mine, no longer having breathe-having done the deed- I constantly think about it/ about him/ about the last time I talked with him/ laid my eyes on him, my hands against his/ i now realize that i love this man/ not love like what to be with him/ because he did later- after me/ find someone to love him the way that he wanted to be loved/ but love him just the same- like now that I'm recieving this phone call my heart is affected- my eyes misty, my brain disshelved and my innermost appearance distraught and distracted and here in 10 minutes I would be attending an event where I would need to put my personality and smiley face on-
On one hand I no longer felt like going- on the other I made the previous engagement and needed to fullfill my commitment but at what expense- how could I execute this task? How could i stop the tears from falling and now that weren't only falling for M but also for my best freind who passed three years ago- this grief/ this pain coming from my eyes could not be uncovered- it had to be subdued- it had to be what it was and this man and this woman had to go with me to my event- and at times as I thought about them I would feel conflicted but then I realized that life in many ways is about decisions and choices and both of these people made those choices in their lives and I had to respect that and allow the expereince of knowing them enrich my life- to a degree it was a Wicked moment- it was a I've been changed for the better moment- and yet and still I'm confused how this beautiful man, this man who I once held so close that we might become one could hang himself and become strange fruit-

4 comments:

Ladynay said...

My condolences...

The LoveHater said...

EMOBRO, I am so sorry man.

Emotionalbrotha said...

thanks yall- ppreciate it...

The Captain said...

Very sad to hear, I hope you are well. One of the mysteries of suicide is that in most cases we may never know the motives behind that act. The secrets within are kept inside and taken to the grave. We have internal struggles and issues and for some reasons, it perpetuate the final act of taking your own life. However, remember the good aspects of his life. In sorrow, there is good memories to cherish nonetheless.