Thursday afternoon I recieved a phone call from one of my good buddies on the east coast- I was running late for an engagement but I hadn't talked to him in a minute so I answered the phone
Me: whassup man?
Bmore brothe: Yo E, are you sitting down?
Me: Nah I'm on my way to the gala, whassup?
Bmore brotha: Yo, I need you to pull over- I have to tell you something
So, I'm thinking to myself dude must have left his wife or caught a disease or someone's pregnant or something- so I'm like yo just go ahead and tell me I'm running late- and right then and there my mind became blared, my eyes blurry with tears and my mind with confusion-
Bmore brotha: M is dead- he killed hisself- they found him hung.
I'm like what? Hun? That can't be, he wouldn't do that-
Why would this wonderfully intellegent man kill himself- it struck even harder when I reminded myself that just last week I was considering the same plight- only not by rope- because there would be no strange fruit hanging from my closets or doorways or trees and here had this man/ this part of me/ this former partner of mine, no longer having breathe-having done the deed- I constantly think about it/ about him/ about the last time I talked with him/ laid my eyes on him, my hands against his/ i now realize that i love this man/ not love like what to be with him/ because he did later- after me/ find someone to love him the way that he wanted to be loved/ but love him just the same- like now that I'm recieving this phone call my heart is affected- my eyes misty, my brain disshelved and my innermost appearance distraught and distracted and here in 10 minutes I would be attending an event where I would need to put my personality and smiley face on-
On one hand I no longer felt like going- on the other I made the previous engagement and needed to fullfill my commitment but at what expense- how could I execute this task? How could i stop the tears from falling and now that weren't only falling for M but also for my best freind who passed three years ago- this grief/ this pain coming from my eyes could not be uncovered- it had to be subdued- it had to be what it was and this man and this woman had to go with me to my event- and at times as I thought about them I would feel conflicted but then I realized that life in many ways is about decisions and choices and both of these people made those choices in their lives and I had to respect that and allow the expereince of knowing them enrich my life- to a degree it was a Wicked moment- it was a I've been changed for the better moment- and yet and still I'm confused how this beautiful man, this man who I once held so close that we might become one could hang himself and become strange fruit-