Thursday, June 23, 2005

Soul Seeking

For the past few days, I've been going thru the motions- and I finally decided to do something about it. It first hit me when I was running on Lake Michigan and started to recite to myself

"I'm on a journey to redemption- I need to be redeemed- I need my soul washed clean- I'm on a journey to redemption" These words in themselves expressed exactly where I am right now & what I've been going through-

For whatever reason, I feel dirty- like I've done something wrong and I feel lost in a world full of people who all seem to be going somewhere but me, myself, and I are "stuck" in the same place...

Well yesterday, I finally decide to see a therapist. And no this isn't a brotha's first time in therapy- it's more like my 5th time in therapy.... At any rate, I'm still not getting it, although I feel like I'm not in the same place, perhaps just racing around the same wheel-

Well my therapy session was informative and I kind of just put all the cards on the table in the first session including the fact that I thought dude was fine as hell- Of course, the brotha expressed some concern with my motivation for picking him as a therapist especially since I found myself attracted to him- but I'm attracted to him in a physical way not an intellectual/emotional/ spiritual way-

At any rate, at my consulation visit- many questions were posed to me about my intentions and why I felt the way I did about myself and my place in the world and to my surprise the therapist asked me a very deep question- he asked me what do I stand for because I often contradict myself- he instucted me to just think about it- not to answer- he told me my personality seemed as if it was like a leaf- it blew whichever way the wind blew- which is very accurate- Dude also hasn't agreed to be my therapist just yet- he said we should met a few times and decide especially because there may be ethical concerns with my attraction to him-

At any rate, dude also asked me why don't i examine everything that I've accomplished and said that I showed signs of having low self worth and low self esteem and it hurts because I know that shyt is true- I don't know anymore who I am- I know I disrespect myself and others- and at the same time I try to do the best with what I have-

I always talk about someone loving me- however how on earth can I expect that when obviously a great percentage of the time i don't love myself????


SmilingOnThaDL said...

DAMN, you hit the spot! That last line was a killer.

I just told my boy No4real that I want to go see a Therapist.

Man, I though I was reading my own thoughts. Even in my poem today, I talk about contradicting myself and even the wind blowing!

I have a strong problem with my self-worth when it comes time for a relationship. I constantly feel that I'm not worthy. But, I continue to pray for strength and guidance.

Anyways, My brother, you deserve love no matter what.

*cyber hug to you*

Your brother in the struggle,

Ricky said...

Man, I feel you on the therapist thing. Been considering getting one myself even though I am a therapists in training, we have things we have to work through. Man I applaud you for sharing that on your blog. You sharing that lets me know others have some of the same struggles I do. So you stay encouraged.