Ok, I'm blogging kind of late today. You know normally I get to work, check the voicemail, address anything outstanding and then blog to clear my mind. Well, today was different. My reports are due tomorrow, so had a little more to address than usual and I need to make sure I cover everything, and lil emergency come up from time to time- "the life of a real estate employee", well the daylife anyway.
So, last night I went out to "thug's night out"- interesting name for a place & night which is located next to a grocery store in the middle of the hood, has a drag queen cracking jokes between the poetry, and the poets are so deep, they rip people new assholes like rapist who parade the streets at night. Well anyway, last night, I happened to be one of the poets who were ripping assholes or at least talking about how my asshole had been ripped. I read two of my newest poems. One was untilted the other was based on the expereince that inspired "It was what it was .... time to let go".
Well man, to say the least it was quite a night. People actual didn't talk while I recited my peice and you could tell that they were really listening for once. I've always said that if I could stain the paper with my pain maybe I wouldn't have to carry it around. Well, I must have stained it and then allowed it to creep out my throat because peeps were like damn- that brotha is and/or has gone through it. I once had a teacher who said your talent is the pain you carry with you everyday. I looked at him and thought yeah whatever man. However, last night some of that talent must have squeezed it's way out to make everyone put down their glasses, shut their mouths, and listen. It was an amazing expereince to release some of the things that I've been so afraid to speak about or too ashamed to reveal about myself. Many of these things i've carried for days, months, years, all this pain has kept me warm/ burning with desire of the hope of being free.
And to talk of freedom, well you know a few days ago, I met a brotha who I'm so into it's scary. Last night I kissed him for the first time and when the brotha kissed me/or i kissed him/or we kissed each other i wanted to cry cause that shyt felt good. And man, I can't stop thinking about this dude- it's like I'm scared as hell that I won't be his type or that I'm not muscular enough for him/ or attractive enough/ or maybe he's already seeing someone although he told me he was single/ and what if he has a lil dick/ or if he doesn't want to give up any booty/ my mind is like spinning a mile a minute and today i started not to call him after not seeing him last night- but decided not to play the game/not to play it safe/ and damn i caught myself wanting to cry again/ becuz i'm losing control- i'm all in my feelings/can't escape these things/ sometimes i wish i could/ but just thinking about this brotha makes me hot! not sexually hot/although he is a cutie pie and i'm wondering if the sex would be tight/ but emotionally this brotha just puts me all in my feelings/it's like i'm 16/17/18 years old again/ taking a chance/ when we kissed i stood there with my eyes closed tears in my eyes/ like this dude feels so good/ and i felt his arms/back/kissed his neck/ felt his muscles/ felt my belly against his hard ass stomach and got nervous/ like oh shyt/ what if this dude thinks i'm fat/ or isn't attracted to me cause i ain't some muscle boy or skinny ass negro/ and man it was like tripping me out/ and i was running late to the theatre/so/ i was saved by the bell/ but still got to have a conversation with dude/ so i can get some clarity/ cause i'm tripping/ n trying to keep that feeling of kissing this dude/ and feeling his body against mine/ and wanting to hold that feeling forever/ the feeling of just two sets of lips held together and just a little bit of tongue/ and my body wanting to breath into his/ hoping that he wants to breath into mine/and man i'm tripping/ thinking that i don't want to be around noone but him/ deleting accounts/ hoping/wishing/praying/ he might love me even though i've been a hoe at times/ hoping that he might learn to like me/maybe love me/ maybe want to build something with me and renew my hope/ becuz right now i'm john legend/ telling myself to take it slow/ this time i i'm going to take it slow... take it slow... take it slow...
this shyt got me thinking i'm losing my mind/ and i'm just what a crazy poet