Right now I've had several thoughts about abstaining from sex. Don't get me wrong I LOVE sex. But, I'm not currently in a relationship and empty sex does nothing for me. Yet and still I catch myself going through the motions of having intercourse with someone I really don't want to or have no real desire of having sex with- it's simply something to do. This morning, I had a vision of giving up sex the way Ramond in the E. Lynn Harris books gives up drinking "until I fall in love". But, this leaves me with the real question, Can I possible give up sex?
My gut reaction is hell nah! I mean even Freud states that sex is one of the basic needs of human survival. So, where does this leave me? It leaves me either hurting or healing myself through sexual escapades. IE, last night I got a call from this guy that I fucked about two weeks ago, he wanted to come over- I was like nah. I haven't been feeling him like that and I know I have no emotional attachment for him at all. So, why bother. 2 weeks ago it was kewl cause I was bored and needed some, but now it's like what's the use. He does nothing for me. Right now, I'm in need of some sexual healing. Not, just sex!
I need someone who I genuinely care for and who will care for me- not saying I want a relationship although a good one wouldn't be bad. Would be nice to have lunch break sex and also be able to go home to someone and hug. But, that's not my life right now. So, what's a brotha to do? Do I resume the life of a hoe ass brotha and continue to have sexual redevous and remain emotionally unsatisfied or do I put my dick on haitus and suffer through the emotional and physical ramification of not gratifying myself. Quite frankly, I don't know. To complicate matters, I've found myself attracted to two women in the last two weeks. This is normal, however when I start to think about eating pussy and really making a move on these chicks, the creul reality that in order to have anything with them I would have to disclose my "secret", I become immobile and decide it's better to just solve the problem with some vaseline and a towel.
Yep, a brotha masturbates ALOT. Now, that is the one thing in my life that is regular. I normally masturbate at least once a day, normally at bed time to help me go to sleep. It's like the old saying, if you don't know how to please yourself who does. Well, I drain myself before wrapping my body around my pillows but still feel unsatisfied. I could have a bed fellow but refuse to allow just any ole body to sleep in my bed. I occasionaly bag your back out on the pull out coach and then either put you out or leave you on the coach to sleep while I retire to my bed. This however, still leaves me craving intimacy. What is a brotha to do?
I need some body contact. Maybe a good jerk off buddy would work. Pop in some flicks, touch, stroke, kiss, release and then hopefully hug. But, most brothas aren't down for that- or at least the ones I'm attracted to. What is it about hugging that so many men can't deal with it? Is it the "heat" between two men or the intimacy/the comfort/the lack of space that one feels when hugging with another brotha. I don't know. I just know I needed someone to hug with, someone I feel comfortable with- so what's a brotha to do?
I guess I can either wait for the sexual healing or continue to do the sexual harming because sex can be both. It can be beautiful and it can be painful and ugly. Right now I want to paint perfect pictures of rainbows, sillohettes of two brothas making love or maybe just hot passionate sex with some affection intermingled with splendid kisses and a touch of caring that carresses their souls- not sex. I'm so tired of being objectified and objectfying others just to get a nutt. But, I'm not in love with anyone, so how do I quench my thirst? A brotha needs some affection- I needs someone to hug with---what's a brotha to do?