For the past few days, I've assembled 4 blogs and not a one is posted.
There's so much on my mind, but my fingers either don't keep up with my brain or the feelings are so overwhelming that I simply numb myself from feeling too much. However, deep within my soul, I'm constantly feeling. It's as if, my body feels so much, so quickly that it's hard for me to keep up with myself.
At any rate, the moral of the story is that I'm overwhelmed with fear. Not a day goes by that I don't feel utterly and completely lost. Every part of myself that I thought I was was is no longer; every inch of my body betrays who and what I thought I was. The one thing I know is that I'm lost and afraid in a world which has no place for me and I'm left with only myself. I've grown accostomed to being alone, however I've never grown accostomed to feeling as if I belonged anywhere; in many ways this is why I never stay in one place for long.
I'm always running away from or towards something. In the last 9 years, I've lives in 4 different places, NJ, PA, MD, and now IL. With each transition, I hope for something better but only find the exact same thing in city after city and town after town. Perhaps what I'm looking for has always been right with me, but I was always too dumb or blind to see it.
Perhaps I'm looking for myself, or at least the permission to be myself. But, then this cuts down to the main question in my life... Who Am I? Honestly, I don't know any more. I know that I'm a man. I know that I'm a black man. But, really who Am I? For the past 14 hours, I've asked myself this question over and over, and still I have no answer. In some sense, I truly don't know, and on the other I know exactly who I am. I'm half man/half boy lost on the road to self discovery. A portion of my body has matured with each transition, with each heartbreak, and with each good bye. Whereas, the other portion of my body, is still that dumb, dirty, little black boy who grew up in the projects.
It is these two parts, peices of myself who make me who I am. A bit confusing, a bit of a contradiction, a bit of mystery and struggle pushing through the barriers of myself to survive.
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There is a song which offers, "a man can travel a thousand miles and still be in the same place." You aren't alone in what you are thinking or feeling and this is all part of life - your life - which is distinctly different from mine, or anyone else's. You may not come up with all the answers in 14 hours to a question that has been building for 20 some years. Thats okay - the answer will come. It may not be a big rush and bells and whistles may not go off. The answer may find you in a quiet time, at the gym or on the stage. But trust it will find you. And if I'm lying - I'll drink a whole corona...lol
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