Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Streamed conscious

What is it about black folks that makes us want to be everything that we are not? I don't get it- we wish to have blue/green eyes and be the most thugged out/ the "fiercest" indivuals on the planet- I don't understand why we simply can't embrace who and what we are- this has been my underlying thoughts over the past few weeks- disgust, embarrassment, fear, rejection, medicosricy, disappointment, and a gush of purging constipated thoughts- the feelings are overwhelming thrusting from my body diarrheally- rage feels my body as i overheat on the verge of venting about some other fucked up indivual who has murdered/ scalped/ diasppointed his mother/lover/ boyfreind/sister/ brother and has decided to make the world pay for it-

i ignore my own pain by ordering two double cheese burgers and a large fry and watch as the weight aligns fat between my stomach and thighs
i constantly tell myself that i'm just hungry but deep down inside i'm protecting myself
avoiding anyone who sees any worth in my flesh
because i simply can't be of value to someone
i'm too stubourn- too ghettoized, too bougie, too scared to really reveal my true thoughts and feelings because the depth of them could cause my own death
the pain i feel as i think about it
it being everything or that scary ass clown that haunted me as a child
the many times i've wanted to kiss his lips but never did
lost in an abyss of feeling and space and the dislocation between my pelvis and my feet
the rage that traps in my groin and i only shake when i make love to him
and although i feel terrible
i stop myself from having sex with anyone else
because my body is under his command
from the minute i insert it until i burst with my sex juice sliding through his body
down his ass
as i hold him in my arms and pray to the universe that he never leaves me
and i get so upset that he cruises the internet looking for other guys
cause for whatever reason for a minute i thought i was enough
but as he stares at my naked body as i exist the shower or pulls on my dick when he makes lust to me
i understand without understanding that this man just doesn't love me
and there are others who pretend that they are capable but i'm unable to see the burden of truth
and i stand alone/ unsheltered splattered by piss and rain as
men come across and piss on me like i'm so kinda tree
or decapate my body and slide my bones into reclyclable bags to be shaped into another toy for another man to have his way with me and then pass me on
or to give me to his girlfreind as a homeboy or a freind who is just kewl as hell but not kewl enough to be your lover
just good enough to suck your dick
and then u try to fuck me/ and i don't let u insert my body/ but u've already fucked me
because i shed tears when i'm in your absence
when i don't think about u
i'm enslaved like a spider to his web
or a groom to his bride
till night falls and the demons take me to the riverside to allow some other man
to play with what i keep telling myself is yours
and then i constant remind myself that i am noones
because i am nothing
a void/ an illusion of feeling
of not knowing anything about my own worth and therefore can never belong to someone else
a loose commity to be shared amongst the gang and be eaten like sweet strawberries or shrimp and burgers at a family bbq
the beer fills my guts and then i'm drenched like the pig i am in sweet/ dirt mud/ cum/ blood/ spit
all over me/ in me/ near me
cause i am nothing
black/poor/gay/ man/ boy/ child/ grown up/
living with the awful pain of having no identity searching the world like oedipus to slay his father sleep with his mother and stand on a chair all night
while his brother was fucking his mother
and his aunite was smoking a joint
and introduce to god/ his savior/ only to already be living in hell/ damanation/
slept in the a half felt life in limbo between wanting and beleiving and having and knowing that nothing would ever come of it
but holding on to hope and braveryism and knowing that one day freedom would be his
but not knowing how to be free
because the chains of his own slavery lept whelps across his back and bunns
and only his fat dick brought the men into his life
only to taste the rainbow and run away because the betrayal that his eyes lead mistaketh no man who he really was
a liar/ a traitor/ a slave to sex
sex toys. sex shops. sex drops. i hope i dont die. from sex
and slowing down only to breath as i splash my dick into your mouth to watch u play wit ur dick
as u suck me long hard/ wet/ soft/ kisses/ and worshipping me like i'm your jehovah
and i'm satan/ lucifer/ stuck between heaven and hell/ and on the verge of living lavish and sucking dick and getting dicked down bu society rules and obligations and the unability to live my life
because you got to pay taxes and be a good little boy
or the big black man will spank with his dick and knock you down
take off your clothes destroy your sacrum and tell everyone you wanted it
and then do the same thing to all your freinds
and they better not tell/ they better all be quiet
or u'll get it and they'll get it and your big black mama will get it too
cause you dont have blue eyes little nigger boy
dirty ass nigger boy with them peircing eyes
kick his ass/ lock him up for murder/ rape/ kicking and screaming and crying and kissing a little boy
lock him up and never let him out the cage that is his mind cause that little black muthafucka is too much
and u said it wouldn't hurt when i gave u all of me and ate a peach and waited for you to return
and you never did
you left me scolded/ bleeding from the ass/ with no place to call home/ and wonder why i'm bitter
why i would rather shoot up the club and kill every part of my gay self but can only shoot my feelings on paper with words that scold like hot water
on my burnt flesh as you rummage through my body like a graveyard finding no treasure and retreating calling me worthless but coming back after kissing me soft and close and hard and salty and tasting your cum/ living with your cum inside of me/ hoping it won't be my doom/ and livng afraid and scared and wanting to dig a whole and jump inside to live or living in a shoe so noone can really see me- just step inside of me and put me up/ polish me once in a while/ and then put me back in the closet or shoe rack/ or maybe then i'd be back in goodwill given to another with foot fungus or athletes foot or corns or callous or worse
and there i'd lay in the depths of disgust/ ordor/ disorder/ and smushed like a blue berry


disgruntled said...

Is that real?
It sounds like spoken word.
Is that something you do?
Sounds really good.

SmilingOnThaDL said...

My Brother,

I had to step away twice in tears from your words. They convey many emotions and thoughts that I have from time to time.

"unsheltered splattered by piss and rain as men come across and piss on me like i'm so kinda tree." I though to myself, why do I allow myself to be pissed on...

So, many questions on why do I subject myself to self-abuse. I say self-abuse cause the people that are doing the abusing doing even care.

To me, I am the Invisible man. UNSEEN TO THOSE I WANT AND NEED!

Be Strong!

Jaqua said...

There is no such thing as victim, you either choose to give in the victimhood or you don't, its good to get your emotions out, and exorcise them, these are issues I've had to deal with, damn well say alot of us had to. But the sunshine will shine and when we choose to give to others without expectation, we are truly blessed.

The LoveHater said...


You ARE brave. You ARE courageous. You ARE loved. Live life without FEAR.