Sunday, July 31, 2005

Relief,Clearing & Closure

You know there comes a point in a man's life when he decides what kind of man he wants to be- for me that point or one of the points in my life was today. Today, I learned something very scary about myself but also something that know that I know, I can change it, adjust it, I won't say fix it however, because it wasn't wrong in the first place- it was something, a gift or a curse or maybe both- that somewhere along my life had a purpose- had an impact on my life- but today this "weakness" is no longer- this "weakness" is no longer. The weakness I'm speaking of is my failure to stand up for myself/ to fight back/ to defend myself against bad things and bad people/ don't get me wrong theres nothing wrong with loving/ losing/ sacrficing/ or anything else- however there is something wrong with staying in a situation your not happy with/ and u feel like u deserve more- deep inside- at the core the is the question of well why don't i defend/protect myself- and the answer is I was never taught how- however I have accomplish much even without protecting myself- at least conscously/

This all started today, while helping a freind move- today I realized after helping carrying heavy as furniture that I see myself as being weak- that I give up on my apparent strength because I am strong even when I'm emotional I'm strong- today as I spent the floor I asked myself why is it that I'm more comfortable sweeping the floor than carrying a heavy ass dresser down three flights of steps- well the answer is easy no one has ever taught me how to be a man- I am a self created/ self imposed man- and noone- not my mother- not my father- ever taught me to protect myself- to fight against those who take advantage of one's good nature because they sense "the flaw"/"the weakness"- So, I don't blame The Leach for taking advantage of me- and I'm angry with him but more angry at myself because I saw the "warning signs" but ignored them just to feel the sensation of my dick in his body/ the pure ectasy of not knowing where my body ended and his begin- however, the extasy/ the pleasure/ the pain is too deep and I can no longer be a fool- I can no longer lay in bed while the condoms lay on side of the bed unopened for the pure fabrication of illused intimacy-

to be continued... when my flow comes back-

4 comments:

That Dude Right There said...

Congratulations my Brotha. Congratulations. Now that you have had this epiphany, your life is gonna be so much better. I know because the same thing happened to me a few years ago

Tim said...

Dayum man...I read this and I feel ya. You and I are more alike than I thought.

Emobro said...
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Chosen Brotha said...

I feel you on that. I've had a couple of those. Hip hop hooray brotha! Head up as you walk on this journey of self discovery. I'm proud of you boo boo. Keep up the epiphanies!