Monday, July 25, 2005

Clarity and Relationships

Ok, today I had a breakthrough about myself, my sexual oreintation, and my concepts of relationships- especially the one I'm in right now-

Ok, right now I'm sleeping with my ex- (seeing my ex- not going with him, for the record) So, I work 50+ hours a week, and this bum is not working- so today I was thinking about why and how some people say that I treat him mean, talk to him disrespectfully or bad, and that I'm too demanding on him-

Well #1 I expect a man to be a man and in this case I feel like because he is not working, although he does cook and clean my crib- it makes me react as if I'm with a woman and sadly, my being with a woman (soceital roles) means that when I come home the bitch better have my house cleaned and my dinner on the table- Maybe this traditional mentality is the reason that I'm gay and not straight because I would probably drive some woman crazy-

so, the thing is because- at least I'm thinking that because we don't have, or at least because I haven't come across "positive role models or structures building blocks, plan owner manual for being with a man" in this particuliar situation I revert to heterosexual models or learned behavior- (things that make you go hmmmm hun?)

I also think this is one of the reasons that I'm not attracted to feminine or effeminate men- so much of my life is based on the relationship my mother had with my sister's father and the abuse I witnessed growing up and maybe in some pychological way the observance of this behavior reinforced my already predisposition to be attracted to men- that's men who are "men".

The funny thing is that I can maintain or at least create or conceive a relationship with a "masculine man" or a man I deem masculine or one who has what I would define as masculine traits- taking care of family, body type (not particuliar muscular but a grown man's body- also contributes to my no lil dick policy- because I associate a man with having a big dick, not a penis, or cock or lil baby dick) whatelse- so much coming so fast-

So, I pretty much think that alot of my learning models for relationships both heterosexual and homosexual as well as freindships are or have been based on the notions that were presented to me as a child and either my acceptance or rejection of the said notion and in many ways as guards to prevent me from continuing the cycle of domestic abuse.

Things that really make you think and you never know when their going to hit you......

As always, to be continued........................

1 comment:

SmilingOnThaDL said...

Man, I feel you on wanting an independent brother. If I was bringing home the bacon I want my shyt dusted every day, LOL! He would need to clip my toe nails, LOL! What's crazy is that I can see my lover and I being in a one income home for a couple of years.. least until my kids were going to kindergarten... gotta watch these nannies, lol.

I commend you for being supportive with your "ex."

After witnessing my mom suffer from abuse for many years from my brother and sisters' father I knew it was wrong to touch someone in anger. Its a sad state in mine, when I’m dealing with a ni@@a and want to smack the shyt out of them. But, instead I have to walk away or shake the shyt out of them or go in the bathroom and have tantrum cry, lol. Dead a**!

I feel ya!