Thursday, August 25, 2005

Running Across My Mind...

I just read one of my closest freinds blogs and it was about "love" or some kind of emotion that makes one feel "special"
- I honestly try to avoid that feeling-

as much as I want it- as much as I desire and crave it- I'm so fucking afraid to really love someone again to feeel the way I allow myself to feel only to end up disappointed

- case in point-

a few months ago I met a brotha, TooBusyforYa, he's in his early thirties, kinda light skin, but brown, beautiful smile, odd but nice body, and sweet

- I instantly found myself attracted to him, I mean gut attracted like this brotha is giving me butterflies-

I mean everytime I see him, I get nervous, like I want to touch hold, kiss him, make him mind, but he doesn't respond- I mean he giggles when I talk to him, or rubs his body next to mine when i hug him, he allows me to carress him with gentle kisses on his neck, while I hug him

- but he's too busy for me-

or at least he says- Well over the last week, I've seen this brotha at two different crusing spots, and on both occasions I've always said whassup but been distant- well not the 2nd time, but the first,- I mean I call you- you don't call me back- I call u again and same result- so I'm not dumb I stop callling regardless of the gut feeling, I tell myself

"I'm not that boy"-
(I saw a performance of Wicked last night)

At any rate, so the first time I saw him after out initial meeting, I said whassup man, how u been, u know cordiall shyt and then my stomach starts its rubbling and urning to kiss, touch, feel, carress his body, so I excuse my self and leave the enviroment before my eyes begin to tear-

well the second time (last night), I see him to which affect I shocked, but shyt were both grown and his ain't my niggah- so I'm like whassup- and he gives me this big ass smile- i mix between damn i'm caught again and it's really nice to see u- so, I'm like ok, he's not running yet- but he's acting kinda strange- basically I'm standing there thinking, ok, I get it, you haven't returned my calls, your cordiall with me, but control the length of the conversation- I get it- your not interested in me- it's registering.....registering

- no it's REGISTERED! -

So, I'm like igght man do your thing- and he's like where u going, what u up to, etc. and I look him in his eyes, and I melt

- no I'm melting-

and I feel the tears beginning to form, and I'm like man "I like you- I do, I like you alot-and you know i've called u a few times and u haven't called me back so i get it your not interested"

-total bitch move- lol- but shyt just putting all my feelings out there
warning- warning- heart is on his sleave-
Suprisingly he replies:

"I like u too- i told u that the day we met"-

and I'm like what- he's like yeah-

and I'm like man this really ain't the place for this discussion- come take a walk with me-

Let's take a long walk around the park, after dark-
(I swear I'm buying a new copy of that cd- )
So, anyway, we walk and talk and I get a few hugs and kisses, and of course I really stress the fact that if dude ain't interested just let me know-
and he's like "nah, I think about u alot"
"So, why don't you call me"-
"Well I don't want to start something I can't finish, I'm really busy"
"Your busy"
"Man people make time for what they wanna make time for, you wanna know what kills me about u?- your so busy but this is the second time this week I've seen u cruising- but your real busy" (smacked that ass right there, come on- be real with me)
"I work 115 hours per pay period"
"Ok, I'm busy too, I work 50+ a week and my family has been here for 2 weeks"
"At any rate- man people make time for what they want to make time for"
To cut to the chase, he promises that he'll call me by Wednesday- I mean damn an entire week right-
-smells like shyt to me-
I'm like kewl- man ain't asking you for shyt- just call and say man I'm Toobusyforya- move the fuck on
he's like nah, were going to hang out- I'm like kewl- kiss him a few more times and he rides off-
I'm standing there like shyt- melting, melting, melting, ok, pull yourself together
note to self.........- pull it together-
-I pull myself together and walk off into the darkness-
I found myself home about 15 minutes later- go to bed, wake up at 7am, and hear the sounds of my mother having a tirade
- I guess I'm on Vacation-


Chosen Brotha said...

I bet it feels good to be you right now...stop stressing over men, they are not worth it. I'm sure ur too young and to handsome to have a head full of gray hair! Give it a rest!

Tim said...

Man...niggas ain't worth it. Just do you, and be you. The rest will come to pass.