Family & thankfullness

This past weekend I had the opportunity of spending time with my family and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was exactly where I belonged just for a
short amount of time.

For most of my life, I've been running... running away adn towards something or perhaps both at the same time and at the same pace. At any rate, while I was at home I had time to drive around to witness how things had changed and had not changed and as I waited for tears to come.. no tears came... as i waited for some type of STRONG reaction there was none... there was only acceptance.... acceptance that I can't go in the past and change anything--- there is no reason to feel sorry for myself---- I grew up as I was supposed to-- black and poor.. and battling the discovery that I was also not heterosexual.... I was overwhelmed by these challenges and still I survived-- it is through this that today I am capable and adaptable to transition from old age negro to african american business man..... it is through this struggle that I have learned that I am love... that I have always been love .. that someone has always loved me even if I didn't know it.... and that I have love to give others........today marks the end of such much... & the beginning of beautiful, wonderfull things because I'm learning & continue to learn to get out of my own way.......

I invite all goodness into my life... and into the life of others......

peace..... is what i wish and dream of the most for all of us..... let the beginning of the next decade be peacefull...... let us study ignorance and shame no more----- let us see the beauty in one another and the miracoulous gift that is today....

Nina Simone Feeling

One bad chick.... Feelings....

The Great Debaters Trailer

EXCELLENT Movie!!!

The Great Debaters

If you haven't seen it, GO SEE IT!!!

AWESOME Movie!

I went by myself.. enjoyed it... laughed, cried, smiled, and was filled with hope.

Go check it out---- this is a quality African American movie that we need to support and not just because Oprah produced it.... which I think was very brave of her... but because it's about our history....

Dreams, Illusions, & Metamorphosis

I just awoke from a dream of angels, and demons, and hustlers, and old family members and the rembrance of my father- In this dream, I revealed after a few days with my father's "family" my attraction for men and I explained why I choose not to have a relationship with them- because it's more important for me to love and honor me than to hide to accomondate people who don't care about my well being. In the dream, the last thing I remember is my father running down the street naked hollering and screaming about how could I sleep with men.... As I yelled back I'm thirty (30) years old, I can sleep with whomever I choose. My father went in a rage, ran down the street like a bull, with an erect penis and sometype of stone hanging from his phallus as if my "shame" were weighing down his own manhood..... As he continued running and galloping around, moaning about my indiscretion... I realized that I love me even the broken bones of who I am.. the muscle, the fat, the little moles across my back... and I'm not willing to give that up for anyone..... right before i awoke.. i was getting in my car, mind you a car I'd never seen before and a man tried to prevent me from entering.... i don't know where this man came from or if he was a demon, illusion, or metamorphis.... i asked him to please move out of my path.... i than simply moved his hand, entered the car and sat. As I looked at him, sitting safely within---- I begin to wonder perhaps I'd just moving my own demon out the way--

Alexyss K. Tylor Knowledge

End of a Year/ Beginning of a Decade

As the end of the year approaches and another one dawns, I realize how fortunate I am- As I end my twenties (20's) and welcome my thirties (30's) I know that only better days will come.

I've spent most of my life terrified of life itself- unable to cope- unable to truly feel... and my twenties educated and informed me of who I had become-- even in it's unstableness. I now not only realize that I'm worthy of good things, but acknowledge the fact that it's only after and between the bad that has chartered my consciousness.

I'm ready for forgiveness, for love, for all the best to enter my life. In 2008, I vow to be happy, healthier, and more successful than ever before.

I now happily welcome the end of one year and the beginning of another.

All the best!

LUTHER VANDROSS (HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS)

Getting in the holiday spirit.

This Christmas - Donny Hathaway

Chris Brown - Show A Little Tenderness

Man, he killed it.... I'm feeling a little too romantic for this time of year... but hey....

How I Want to feel...

No One

Transformation

The old saying goes "if you do what you've always done than you'll get what you've always got"

It's time for a change... and a change is sure to come....

Today, I unhooked the shackles from underneath my feet-- I deleted a few things that should have been gone a while ago-- it's now time to make a change/ a difference. to do something/ anything different.... it's time to go back/ to end the self hate/ to prevent the rape/ and start a new- it's time to go back to shed the tears/ to bring the corpse home anew/ to find the broken heart/ to bring it within and hear harps/ it's time to see st. peter and paul and jesus too.... it's time to start anew....

God help me....

God help me to forgive.. i realize i'm stuck and if i don't start the process of forgiving i won't be able to move on... help me forgive all those who have hurt me and help me to forgive myself for my moments of indescretion and for my weakness and for just not knowing and loving me.... help me to understand what forgiveness is... true forgiveness help me have mercy and love and understanding for my parents and the women and men who have hurt me and let me be gentle with myself not beating myself up for the things i can not change.. help me to know that i'm not in control nor do i have to be.. help me to forgive those i feel abadoned me or didn't help my mother out when that man was whipping her ass... help me to forgive those that put my knees in the dirt and the man who tried to sodomize me the one who made me choke on his thing and the one who made me stand in chairs all night and who tried to ruin my life.. help me forgive the lil boy who was afraid of the green car and who rain just to taste rocks and dirt and tomatos andground beef and my mother for not protecting me.. help me to forgive even when i don't want to.. when i want to hate and when i want them to suffer for what they did to me... help me to see all the goood inside of me... help me to see the good in other people.. help me to allow other people to be who they are and the freedom for them to live with victimization from myself or others... help the world be a better place where lil black boys don't live in fear of death or drugs or incest or not being loved or looking for love in all the wrong places and still not finding love and running away from hiv..... thank u for letting me not becoming infected and for realizing that my negative status is not a badge of honor because nobody deserves hiv and noone asks for it-- forgive those who've tried to infect me... forgive those who've intentlifull deceived me and broken my heart... who've lied to me... and to those who tried to break me... help me to forgive them... to truly forgive them and to understand the lesson which i was supposed to learn.. help me as i face my past and began picking up all the pieces of myself that i left behind... help me find my joy..... my smile... my hope.. help me live with my pain and my fear and to not inflect it on others... help me see the good in others and in myself.. help me deal with my insecurities and help me to sleep at night without the nightmares... i now understand i can't run from the past -- i must face it.. embrace it... because it has made me who i am... but i don't have to be the past.. i can still be a GREAT man.... i can be a better man than my father ever was.... and i can be a lover, a protector, and a warrior.. because i've survived through some much already and i know that even when i thought i was alone someone was there with me... even when i felt i was alll allone.. someone was there with me... through the tears and the blood and this low self esteeem let me know that someone is here with me.... help me to love myself and trust myself and value myself and know that i deserve more than quick sex or quick flirtations with passerby... help me to learn to let someone good love me... to know that i'm worth it.. and to comfort the voices that tell me i'm not... that tell me that i can't compete and that make excuses for why people won't love me... help me to be healthy... to be strong... to be wise.. to be sincere and to take others feelings in consideration... help me to stop being so arrogant and ignorant...... help me to understand and to believe... help me to be me....

Embarking on forgiveness Part 1 of ??

I've spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me & feeling pitiful because I wasn't someone or something else.

In the end all I wanted was for my parents to love me & they didn't & then & there lies the problem. - because how on earth could or would anyone else love me when the two people who should have didn't/wouldn't or /couldn't-

and here in lies the misery which has become my life-- but this misery rest here no more because today i realize that i am strong & courageous & (as unmasculine as it may sound) Beautiful... realistically human stretching for the gods to help me- to aid me in this life which by giving up control i have gain another kinda of control and i can get to sleep with out much fuss most nights-- although i would like to lay next to someone i refuse to be a "cum dumpster" or a "sperm donor" in another's fantasy of words and illusion-- my life has no time for that kind of madness--- from here i can only go UP! Because my life has been well "interesting" to say the least--- I've learned alot... been challenged and suceeded and failed but i'm still here... i'm still alive & just in that lies beauty that I've never known-- the assurance that i can just breathe in peace-- noone to smother my oxygen or to disgrace my heart wit words or wounds.... today i realize that i have become a MAN right in the front of my own eyes-- that i've grown and i have regrets and i have triumphs which i will share one day in the safety of someone's arms who loves me.... and know i know that i also love me-- because i have the courage to speak the truth.. the truth is my life is not as i ever seemed... it is unfolding in front of me... sometimes i miss u aaj, and sometimes i wonder could we ever be friends today- but i dont know... and i give it up to the universe but i do want to say that i'm sorry and i understand that u could never love me even if u wanted to... because we come from two different part of the tracks although, those tracks shared many of the same dreams & secrets as children in WEA.

That's back when i gave my heart to you without knowing it-- and also the first of many rejections that would come with me opening myself up and giving freely-- now i realize this/u/ have made me stronger-- sharing my love with u- helped me grow more and more stronger every day--- no we may never have a relationship or even talk or see each other again, but this is today-- it's time for me to let go.....

Luther VanDross - A House is not a Home (Live)

Am I worthy/ facing my own fears

Today, as I was working out.. I realized something-- the something that I realized was all the negativity that was boggling in my head.. the tiny voices that whispered "you'll never look like that" or such and such dude would never find you attractive so don't even look over there- as the voices begin to merge i begin to feel tears come to my eyes and than a burning in my chest and right than and there i decided no more... No more excuses of why somebody won't or can't or shouldn't love me- and no more excuses why i should protect myself and only deal with guys that in my mind can approach me/ although deep inside i always feel like their not going to be able to handle me- also deep down inside i don't feel attractive although i normally get alot of attention per say- deep down in side i feel ugly/ unworthy/ and unimportant- however, all this is a lie- i'm not ugly- i am worthy, and yes not everything is for everybody, but i am for somebody- and shyt dudes would be crazy not to be with a brotha like me--- well without all the insecurities and the constant pealing of sores around every part of me that is worthy and naturally good.... i guess i can begin to deal with my own guilt and start forgiving others and myself ---- because now i realize that i've been standing in my own way-- and the only way for me to be truly happy is to surrender and move on- i cant change the past--- i have some control but not much on the future-- and here in the present the best i can do is breathe and let go--- to let things be what and how their supposed to be--- so far in my life things have been good- yes i've fell a few times and had a few heartbreaks, lost friends, angered family members and disrespected and disgraced myself but even in my loneliness moments i find a glitter of hope that keeps me going and that allows me to survive under any and all conditions... i am a survivor a warrior or has showed and hidden too many scars and denied himself the chance to feel the sun against his face and the beaming of his smile to grace the hearts of others without being drowned by fear-- today all this stops--- because when you know better you can do better--- today i desire the wisdom to do better- to be complete and to become a better man-- a better person-- not only for me, but for all the little me's that make me. --- for all the emotional brothas who felt the belts against their skin and heard the cries of their mothers but had no strength to intervene- for all the broken hearted dirty little boys who grow up in the projects and has a candy lady for a mother, who cant imagine and dare to dream, only to one day see their dream become a nightmare before their eyes because the love they've been craving has been right inside of them unleashed all their lives and all they need was the poem to set them free/ to allow them to breath/ the allow them to be/ black.dirty.poor.male.sweet.kind.proud.ashamed.unpowered.empowered.sensitive.loving.scared.unapologetic.rebel.homo.erotic.spin
of the life and times of a poor black ghetto boy who escaped and dared to dream past the ugly reality of america.

The truth is...

The truth is....

I really want to be in a relationship.. to have one brotha to come home to.. to lay up next to.. to feel .. to hold.. to love.. to cherish.. to be mine... so i shouldn't be having sex with anyone who is not this brotha.... i've never felt more sick and tired than i do right now... i want and need to be understood and god if u can hear me, help me be the man i'm supposed to be... help me to be strong and not to hurt people... help me have compassion and empathy for those who have none for me... help me forgive my mother and father and everyone else that has hurt me.... i now realize that i'm hurt and i've been hiding it.... and i need strength to do what i once thought was imposibile "impossible"---- i want and need to begin to forgive those who have hurt me-- and i'm ready to move on..... i'm ready to love again.... lord please help me...

Why?

i hate myself for everything i am and everything i am not
why don't i feel good enough
why do i tell myself over and over that know one is going to love me and than end up aliented and angry with myself
why do these negative thoughts conitously run through my head
why cant the voices find comfort in my accomplishments
why cant i sleep thru the night
why, why, why, lord why
why can't i surrender even when i try
when am i so full of anger n fear
why do i do so well and yet and still cant find love
why am i suffering from depression
why, why, why... i keep asking myself why
why didn't my mother protect, my did my father leave me
why does everyone who loves me leave
why is it that i feel aliented and different and above but below people
why do i suffer from guilt
why am i so emotional
why do i sometimes wish i was dead
why do i continue living
why do the thoughts ramble through my head
why do i jerk off to go to sleep
why do i need a hug n kiss n the words i love u to feel, i don't know human
why does everyone else seem so happy but i feel so down and depressed
why is this contiunually coming...
why cant i rest
why cant i relax
why did i stop believing in god
did god abadon me
does god care for me
is god angry with me
is god dead
can god hear this prayer
can god answer my question
help me to surrender
i neeed to surrender
i'm willing to surrender- why cant i surrender
why am i a control freak
why do i love so hard
why do i try to control people
why dont i understand that i cant make someone love me
why do i fall for the wrong guys
why are so many guys infected with hiv
why cant i just be straight
why do i have to live in fear that i will fall in love with someone hiv+
why do i FEAR loving at all
why, why, why

A Moment of clarity

There is so much in my life that I'm ashamed of/so many memories invade my body and leave me unable to sleep/my ankles remember things that a lil black boy should have never seen or experienced/numerous nights of allowing my nude body to fall into the falls of someone who not only murdered my hope/ but my pride/ becuz they couldn't see the fear behind my eyes/ i only wanted to be held and to hold you instead we ended entrapped in a fantast of dreams and lies/ never to see each other again for some years/ and occasionally i'll think of u, & remember the good times/ remember the nights i slept next to u n the shadows while darkness laid between us/ me whispering softly that u were mine/ but u were off asleep in the middle of the night with some other girl or guy/ & i was left alone to fend for some in the darkness- thats the onnly place i allow myself to cry/
now when men come to sleep in my bed/ i ask them to go home in the middle of the night or they often take their cue and leave me alone/ after they've drained my manhood and left me weak/ after my toes have curled and i've made manly sounds and released my loins/ i lay nude thinking of u/ trying desperately to quiet the voices that tell me that noone will love me/ and that he can't possible love me/ and i ask my self what is wrong wit u. and i beat myself for being everything i am and than pick up my limbs, wash them off, and devour them all over again. i nibble at the tissue of my arms & legs & thighs & suck my own dick n play wit my own butt hole/ cause u'll never tough me again/ n my knees with never feel that sand again/ becuz i will know longer be used/ or ur victim whore to do ur will and than leave. that black boy- naive as he was- still cries in that field and the man i am today picks him up and hugs him close/ holds him close- sometimes too close/. almost soffacting him, but allowing him to breathe... after today he will go back out. after learning one of the hardest lessons one must learn in a field of one of americas most loved sports.

Over a glass of scotch

Tonight, I find myself like many other nights that I've spent... alone... drinking a glass of scotch- sitting back feeling a lil self pity, but at the same time realizing how blessed i am and how much i still have yet to learn--- this past weekend i got some culture in my life-- and i also realized just how lonely i truly am--- how alone i feel and asking my self why i don't have anyone in my life-- and the voices began to whisper thoughts into my head and than i caught myself saying i deserve love no matter what.. no matter of the nightmares and my knees in the sand, the bruises and the underwear that i peaked underneath the door only to have them reveal that the big I had infected my reality and my pyschology and that i've felt used, and abused and not worthy of love.. and thats really one of the reason that i din't believe in god-- because i felt like god abadoned me-- but now i realize that something has and will always be there for me- in the moments when my soul acts for the most comfort, wither it be sitting in a dark room allowing my fingers to write out or at least attempt to release this pain....

Dick AND Ass.........

Dick and Ass ain't worth my life....

I've spent the last six weeks ladi up or across from lying ass negro... yep, i asked and he lied time and time again.. and he said it's because i didn't create a safe space for him to tell the truth/ but i say shyt if u don't want me than don' t talk to me/ don't Fantasia sing that hell outta that song/ n niggahs act like that ain't never heard the words/ well shyt right know i don't want to see you know more cause u can't/won't/ don't want to be honest/ i had to go through ur shyt to find out that ur hiv + and we done had sex... ain't that some shyt/ the dumb fool side of me would have slept with u wit no rubber- but the smarter side of me knew better/ pity the fool that fucks with u the next time and doesn't check the closet and the medicine cabinet and underneath the bathroom sink/ because his ass could be what u were/are to the idoit that didn't tell u/ sorry babe. but i got to protect myself. and sense u were being selfish/ not telling the truth/ and being detached and unavailable/ i have nothing left to say but dick and ass is good but my health and sanity is bettter.....

Today, I feel such a sense of pity for my self or perhaps its agony as if life gets no better and in some ways i hope could get no worse- this aching sense that i'm becoming depressed seems to be a reality- the fact that i hat to be alone but am still lonely even when i'm around others is creeping from my brains membrane to the ends of my hair follicles and the silent tears of yesterday began to warp my heart as i reminscence about the dreams and visions of yesterday, all of which have know disappeareed into vapor and shadows which wake me at night- my body is numb, my mind swirls as the thoughts run through my mind like a twister rolls through the sea and destroys the homes before it- my creativity is drowing as i constantly gasp for air & feel my lungs cave from underneath my rib cage but than i remind that i've really never breathed-- i've always held my breath from being heard as i hid beneath the surface of a dusty black boy- ignorant, poor, & dirty-- only holding on to the dream that someone/ somewhere would love me and take away all the hurt that i once and continue to feel-- but that time and space and person has never come and at one point i thought it was you but than you did like all the rest and disappointed me but even worse because i told you what i wanted- what i desired- what i wished n felt-- and all i needed for u to do was to hold me so i could once again breat-- breath like i did as a very young infant before all the fist & blood rumagged through my mind- before the tabloids runied the little bit of sanity and innoncent from my limb body- as you raped my mouth with ur cock i wished that it would stopped but warranted for it to happen again-- what a sick creature i was- not knowing how to stop the crusading waves from torturing my inner most treasure--- not being able to breath- i just want to fucking breath- so get out-- go!! leave liek everyone else so i can finally be alone and be ok, because i don't need love if this is what love is.. i don't need anything.... not even air... because after all it's been so long since air has tickled my lips and went down my throat-- because i'm afraid to breath u into me.... so afraid to be hurt again... but dammmit i have to breathe.... i have to learn to breathe.. even with all the craziness in the world.... there has to be some place where a brotha can just breathe...

Notes to my Heart

It's time to let it go...to learn how to forgive- to forgive everyone for everything that's happened... if we look hard enough we will find what we've always been looking for and if we ask the universe we shall recieve the peace that awaits... as he slept and i looked into his eyes i felt something for him, something unbelievable and true--- i closed my eyes and looked again.. i love the way he smells- his awardness...... i just like this dude and that's ok.. even if he he doesn't like me back the way I want him to.. it's ok..... I'm ok.. we're ok... we've come a long way to turn back and we've done well for us.. for a little dirty, poor, black boy from the projects of W.E. we've done damn good... so let the tears fall.. let the rain beat against ur cheeks because everything will be ok.....

"god" will be ok... mom will be ok.. my trifflin ass daddy will be ok... my fam will be ok., my friends dead and alive will be ok.... grandma will be ok.... right know...lets just take a few minutes to breath-- relax the anxiety and bitterness.. the rage .... and sadness and move the fuck on.... theres so much life out there.....

Shyt...OR get off the pot....

For the past two days I've found myself in a somber mood--- might have been because desipte my hopes Audra didn't win the Tony on Sunday or the fact that I've met someone who I like more than they like me and don't really know if I comfortable with that--- might also be because work is rough right now and I need to learn a shit load of stuff...

I'm also getting depressed about the DC "Gay" atmosphere-- it's literally depressing, enough to make one slit his wrist and thrown himself into the Potomac... but I shall not...

There are also quite a few "love/lust" interest and at this point I think I'm ready for a serious relationship.. at least a one on one connection so some of these guys are going to have to shit (not literaally) or get off the pot....

LeftmygirlnHYC is in town and I've got to tell him what I want and I know he's not ready for that... but my heart is......

soo.. we'll see how that goes.. hope everyone is well....

I'm out

New Beginnings

Today, I started my new job! *thumbs up* - the day was to say the least very challenging- got up a tad too late, ended up in the wrong place, but not at any fault of my own- my e-mail account and things were not set-up, I was unable to get into the system and I learned that I would only be not working 3 holidays out of the year- no big deal RIGHT? RIGHT!!!

So, other than that, I now how to look for an apartment and learn a ton of shyt so I can be successful at my job!

My personal life is a mess... I'm looking for intimacy but finding nothing but sex.. and boy does dc have alot of sex...and I'm just glad I'm turning down most of the sex... cant say I'm turning it all down-- cause I couldn't say no to this one cat.... but for the most part REALLY REALLY behaving... not trying to get played out in DC or for that matter simply PLAYED!

Had some other stuff I wanted tpo blog, but forgot what it was-- a brotha going to bed.. be safe peeps

African Americans & The Tonys

Today, the tony awards got announced.. and the AA's showed out... my girl Audra fucking McDonald got another nomination- this chick can't step on a stage without being nominated-- go on girl. She already had four wins, could this year make 5- Well I have to go spend that $100.00 to get me a ticket to 110 in the shade because I've been in love with her since the first time I heard her sing.....

The other black folks acted out also Anthony Chisolm, John Earl Jelks in that August Wilson style.... man ole man look how far we've come----

Lost & Confused

I have so much to say all of a sudden- the words ramble in my mind like bees in a nest occupied by the duty set before them to please their queen... the words roll through my veins, through the bile that is my gall bladder, my bladder, my kidneys, my colon, and it trickles down through my rectum and on the floor because now i'm forced to look at the shyt that i believe and honestly it doesn't look nor smell too good.....

i don't know what i believe anymore--- i know that i'm finding that i'm lonely, even when i'm with people i find it hard to connect and than qhwn i do connect it is with a grip that is so tight it threatens to suffocate any possibility of growth- i guess the truth is i am that insecure- i am that vulnerable- i am that human.......i urn for things not known- things that i can understand and everything that is written and seen has reason and follows a concept- that everything truly does happen for a reason- that everything will make sense in the end.

what my eyes see today makes no sense- has no rythm nor reason- pity, senseless acts made by egomaniacs who for whatever reason have convinced themselves that it's all about them-- today as i laid down to take a nap.. i wonder if one of those people were me? was i being the "legend in my own mind"-- was i fullfilling my purposes or was i just being a "bitch box" who's unhappy with their life- doesn't feel like the have the power to change it, although they make mediocre steps and have "Accompiments" that can endorn the walls of anyplace i end up calling home.. and yet and still i end up at step one-- feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands me, and that the sense of humanity i long for is within the hills with buddhist monks who spend their time chanting and patiently waiting for "enlightment"....

today, i realize that i am so confused...so lost without an understanding of why i'm lost, why i'm lonely, why i find it hard to trust other people and a man once told me that i have to find someone or something to believe in and until i do my wonderingness will continue-- am i the needle in the hay stack or am i simple just some over self indulgent guy who simply has not learned that it really ain't that deep and i'm really not that important- in the big picture of things- i am simple one small microcosm of the universe and as silly as it seems on some level there most be a purpose or a job, something that i can attack with the fearlessness that urges an animal to seek out its prey

Things Fall Apart

Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold....

Last night as I was washing clothes, a man came to speak with me.. the more he spoke the more interesting the conversation got- we talked about being black man in a world that doesn't teach us to respect and value ourselves, we talked about young black america, we talked about growing up poor, we talked about south jersey, we talked and talked and talked and than the conversation took a serious bad turn- this man started to talk about religion to me and at the end of the conversation he had the audacity to ask me to accept jesus christ as my personal lord and savior... this i aim unable to do- unwilling to do.. and it made me think-- whats really going on... why don't i believe... why do i refuse to believe.... why don't have have faith... it made me think--- and i thought about it for a hard long time.... the words of this brotha repeated themselves in my head.... talk to god... seek him out.. be str8 with him... let him know that ur confusioned and u have questions.... job had questions... noah had questions..... and yes, emotionalbrotha does have questions... questions filled with rage and hate and hurt and mistreat and no love given by anyone's god.... god turned "his" back on me a long time ago.. and even when i tried to believe i really didn't believe-- i don't think i've every believed-- i used to act like i did for other people... for everyone else but deep down in side... i wish i could but i can't... i refuse to because none of it makes any sense....

God is old and senile...

Or maybe Beneatha said it best....

"Mama, you don't understand. It's all a matter of ideas, and God is just one idea I don't accept. It's not important. I am not going out and be immoral or commit crimes because I don't believe in God. I don't even think about it. It's just that I get tired of Him getting credit for all the things the human race achieves through its own stubborn effort. There simply is no blasted God-there is man and it is he who makes miracles!"

Right know I really don't know.... what to believe.....

The Phone Call

Ok, today I received the phone call that I've been waiting for weeks for- my job offer phone call came today and my ass missed it--- It went to voicemail and I didn't check my voicemail until after 4:00pm today-- but hey this black man's unemployment may be about over....

Well see i guess what kind of offering they're extending and take it from there.

Strength

I've always been strong and that with each day I only become stronger- the beauty is that I am finally realizing that I am becoming the man I'm meant to be. - with each breathe, every step that i walk, every second that i'm able to close my eyes and sleep, peaceful sleep even without a permanent job, and my own place, and all the beautiful things that i once had- i still have myself- and great friends & family- and my life may not always go the way that i want it to- i may be humbled/many times over/ until i truly learn the lesson that it to be learned/ my smile can never be taken away/ my strength lies within/ no longer closing off the world/ but realizing that i show my heart to those that i used to/ the closeness that comes within the death of an era/ the reincarnation of the new journey begins/ with the newness of the birth of flowers in springtime and as wet as the snow in winter & soon the universe will bring out the sun to dry all my tears & bless me with the release of seeing a new garden, a new field, a new forest with new trees/ from old seeds, and all this beauty would have come from me

Reality

For the last past days, I've been realizing something about my self and the world in which I live in- It seems as if just five shorts weeks ago I was in Chicago doing the damn thing and not five weeks later, here I am in Washington, Dc- I'm so damn happy to be back on the East Coast and although things haven't necessarily gone the way I thought they would- I'm ok.. and I'm very thankful for just being able to breathe oxygen into my lungs and the fact that my brain works, and I have legs to walk on.-- There's so much that I'm greatful for- sometimes it's just the fact that I can smile- that I can look at life and know that this too shall pass and that I still have it and within me I have everything that I will ever need....

It's like in the musical the Color Purple (and although i haven't seen it yet- I've been singing the lyrics to I'm Here).....

I don't need you to love me...... I don't need you to lovvveee.....

I got...... I goootttt.....

good friends,
great family members,
my health,
my strength,
a good sound mind,
a good body,
a good heart,
empathy for those who hate their lives,

i just love me right now... even if I am techinically void of a permanent job---- i got what

I've always had-- myself...

"I got my hands-- doing good like the used to"

"showing my heart to the folks I'm close to"

"Got my eyes- though the don't see that far now--- they see how things really r now"

thank u to my good friends for supporting n loving me--

"but most of all I'm thankful loving who I really am"

It's really depresing when you see people who don't see the joy in their lives, the don't see the good in themselves, in you, in others, they set on the subway and stare into space-- that must be a sad exitence......i'm just glad that i am and can be me.... there's nothing more important to Emotional than being exactly who he is and all his complexity.....

Everything must Change

Today I am reminded of two old sayings:

1) Everything must change and ......

2) This too shall pass.....

Today, i got a voicemail from this company that I've interviewed with 2x already and they were supposed to call me last week to set-up an 3rd interview- least to say they didn't call me and I accepted a temporary assignment because my bank account was under $10.00 or the past two weeks and it didn't help that RealPlayer or whatever debitted some money out of my account, forcing me to transfer 5 of the $6.32 I had in my savings account to prevent an overdraft- oh, and did I mention that my bank doesn't have a branch here or no where near here and they've asking me to consider mail banking-- like my little checks from the temporary service need to be held any longer than need be-. But, at any rate, today I cashed a check at the check cashing places and received two 20's , a 10, and 2 crispy one dollar bills- I put $20 in my gas tank, $20 on my Metro card and spent $11 on turkey bologna, hot dogs, bread, .99 cent macaroni salad, two bags of .99 chips and a tube of of tooth paste- got to hang on to next week, when I will get a 5 hour pay check from the other temporary service- but at least I'm working 37.5 hours this week and it should come in handy because my storage is due and I need to pay my car insurance and let's not even talk about my car payment, which is due in 2 weeks--

I actaully should be ok.. because according to my voicemail the company wants to meet with me again and they are prepared with an offering--- so hallejuh baby-- the light is coming out and it's only been a little over three weeks--- faith in noone but myself sometimes works.... well normally alway works--- well more times than not....

but hey, everything is going to be allright....

Vagina Power

Alexyss K. Tylor is a damn fool, but this is the truth--

what yall think?

Part 3- Penis/Vagina Power

Crazy as hell but the truth-

Penis Power Part 2

If this sista ain't telling the truth---

Please check it out and comment-

Penis Power

What yall think about penis power? And can we get a video on p$ssy power?

Love to me

Video from Light in the Piazza-

wanted to have a cultural Wednesday

Feeling a Lil Pity

Today, I have to admit that I am overwhelmed- I have been unemployed for almost three weeks now and my bank account is low, my sense of self worth is beginning to decrease although I've been interviewing and everyone thinks that I'm great- my references have checked out- my interviews have gone well- and still i have no offers-- i'm feeling a little pitiful-- but i know deep down inside everything will be alright--

I know that deep down inside everything will be ok.

growth

Yesterday I wanted to cry- the reality that I gave up "everything" to have "nothing" really set in hard- i've gone from 50K to 0, from nice crib to homeless - sleeping on my buddies couch, from benefits to no benefits, from relationships and something to do to well starting new relationships and not much to do cause my ass is almost broke-- but u wanna know what i'm going to be alright- only been in DC for a lil over two weeks, I have no diseases, i'm healthy, happy, unemployed, loved, and special and shyt i have two interviws tomorrow- so, life isn't so bad after all--

- no matter what only a real man, can walk away from "everything" and trust that everything will be allright-

this is my growth

New Beginnings

When one door opens, opportunity has a way of coming through the window- or sometimes theres a knock on the door so hard that it scares you- you jump out of ur skin and ur get a grip on reality-- the reality is that I wasn't happy and I wanted to be happy- wanted to be free and so I'm seeking refuge in the nation's capital.

Watch out 4 me.

Where Do I go from here

Ok, where do i go from here?
i'm unemployed, yep, quit, nah---- resigned from my job
in order to maintain my sanity
i cried when i left
looking at my desk bare
nothing there as a testiment to what i'd accomplished
i looked at the walls
bare
no pictures there anymore
i looked at the floor and there was dirt n hurt
n it was time for me to go
so i said good bye
in order not to hide my discontent
with this arrangement that had been my life for the past two years
my relationship, my lover, companion and friend
paper clips, paper, staples, and shyt..
and now nothing,..
what i'm i supposed to do now..
where do i go...?
home....
where i sit in front of my computer
n type
n witness the sight
of naked men
and titties
and pussy
& cum
running
running... i've stopped runnning... now i can catch my breath and look & see if there is any foresight
cause damn..
i'm not running anymore.. for 1st in my life.. i can breathe but i still cant see the forest from the trees
betrayed in hindsight,,... too blind to see the light... but hey i got the might
with my life n front of me
resume enhanced
no glasses, no lens... just my pain...
a dream washed, maybe away...
cause what i thought i was i am not...
cant get it on
cant get the gig.. so i ran to the gin... and than beer, and wine, and vodka, and rum

I Did IT!

Today, I did it- I resigned from my job, effective two weeks from tomorrow... I'm proud of myself and confident that I will suceed and find a bigger and better employment opportunity which will provide me with the growth and development opportunities that I deserve and desire.

I'm young, smart, talented, and possess many skills-- I can do anything!

Things that make you go hmmmmm...

The thing about theatre is that casting is so funny... today I read that the cast for the Chicago production of Color Purple will star... Latoya London as Nettie, Michelle Williams as Shug Avery (who the fuck would have ever thought), and Jeannette Bayardelle. Now, I can understand casting Jeannette, I mean she's playing Celie on Broadway right now... but I guess the casting of Latoya London in this production and the casting of Fantasia to play Celie on Broadway really shows the impact that American Idol has had on society.

I mean you have 1,000 of people who attend acting schools around the country and the parts are going to those who can't read but who can sing, and to those who don't have the training-- that shyt is tooo too funny.. but shyt, I will go ahead and see both productions anyway- just to see if they got the blood and guts to play the shyt...

Just another thing to make me say hmmmmm... did I really need to go to grad school?

LOL.. and the fact that I'm about to go backs makes me want to choke myself but a brotha got to eat and I've found another water I can splash my toe in....

Dividing the Waters

Yesterday, I made a life altering decesion.

Yesterday, I decided to resign from my current job next week after my review.

Although, I want to think positively, I know my supervisor is going to say something negative to/about me and I'm going to start crying because I've given my heart and soul to this place.

Now, for those who have previously read my blog- you know that I love my current job, but it's very stressful and I often start crying after the lazy asses critize me but don't assist me or put any work in- I know I probably sound like a cry baby, but oh fucking well- I go beyond the call of duty everyday- when's the last time you've seen a Manger removing snow to ensure the client is happy because the snow plows didn't come or sweeping up trash, or cleaning windows?
Well I'm that type of Manager- A go getter... who gets the job done no matter what.

So, I'm going to do it, resign from my current job without having a new one.. but you wanna know what-- between hell and highwater I believe in me....

ReFound Hope

It doesn't cost a thing to smile

You don't have to pay to laugh

You better thank the universe for that......

I think my new mindset can be best summed up by the words of India.Arie who says there's hope.. and yet hope is the one thing in my life that has been consistent, men & women come and go, self love and loathing arise and sleep at their own will- the anguish I sometimes feel and exert will pass.... everything is going to be allright..... because HOPE NOT DOPE is the one thing that I've allows relied on and I continue to believe that something good will come out of all this bad....

Last night as I slept in the arms of this man, I dreamt about this woman, and I realized that so much of my life- i've been trying to be who and what everyone else wanted and was abandoning my inant sense to just be me... I called my self a nonconfirmist than shaved off my locs to survive the pressures of whiteness during my grad school years, began code switching before i knew what the fuck a code was, learned to hide my sexuality because I didn't want to be singled out-- learned to hide me.... when I attended grad school, the professor would often say- you have to get out of your own way....

Two years later, I think I finally understand what that means.. it means stop the negative ass thinking, stop the judgement, and the paranoia, just move, move, move, .... move right outta my life...lol... (ok I had a "gay moment"....lol... ) Anyway, it means that I have so much to live for and when I really look, I can see that their in fact are people in my corner and it doesn't mean that they are subject to being my oxygen and that I don't need to grap on to them for dear life... that I can be alone, as much as I don't like to and I'm still ok..... I like to hug and be intimate and to connect with people and just because I connect with another person- it doesn't mean that this other person has an obligation to me or that I own this person or that I owe this person something.. I am a great guy, a little complicated and complex but....
India.Arie sings to me & tells me that she

Had to runTo the arms of curiosity

Just to find

What was here in my life all along

I had found that the art of simplicity

Simply means making peace of your complexity

Maybe, it's the same with me....

I know that at my B-day party this past Sat/Sun I stood in front of a group of beautiful people and spoke from the heart, the intoxication or weed& alcohol, not to mention the cake aided me in what my throat couldnt possible utter in the past.... how greatfull I am - because regardless of everything the people in this room choose to spend some time with me on my day.. and that shyt was sooooo special to me, and meant so much because there I was standing naked (not literally nasty asses) and for the first time - I embraced my complexity... my two sides.. my heterosexuality/ my bisexuality/ & my homosexuality-- there in this room of my peers... in a room of the whiteest of whites to the darkest of darks- to my permed sistas to my locked brothas and me the guy with the cornrows, full of the sweetest intoxication where I was able to speak from my heart in a way that I never had before-- the mountains moved.. the rivers opened and hopefully now I can begin to heal my soul... or at least began to wash my soul... because "lord" knows it needs... it... and of yeah, I'm going to start of the path of forgiveness... cause I got to get ahold of this anger inside of me..so let me go on and see Aunt Esther cause a brotha definetely needs his soul washed...

What's that address again? 1839 WylieAvenue......

Here the fuck i come...

Better Days

Sometimes, it seems like the harder I try the worse things get-

Today was a very trying day for me... I won't go into the logitics of the situation- however, it was a very trying day.

I want tears to fall from my eyes to release some of this stress from my soul- but none will come and when they want to come I'm in the middle of a meeting, or in front of the judge and I won't let them- I hold them in... I push them back with all of my might that my stomachs grumbles because at that moment I realize I haven't eaten all day and that I might not eat again.. because right now I just want to die... or to go somewhere where no one knows me because right now, I don't want to know myself- because I want to be invisible.

I'm looking forward to better days.

Unveiling.......

What do Actors make?

This article kinda helps me to sum up why my day job is soooo important and that no matter how many of my actor friends ask, what show are you working on- my answer will be- I audition and I act when I can but a niggah need to eat....

HOW MUCH DO ACTORS GET PAID?

A glimpse behind the curtain....

Earning a decent wage onstage in Chicago is no easy task. They don't call it being a struggling artist for nothing, and musicians and actors alike are the first toBy Nina MetzSpecial to the TribunePublished January 28, 2007

No one works in theater to get rich.

Every performer understands this going in. But for the audience members who attend local theater each year, we often have little idea of the financial realities faced by the people we see onstage. Personal finances are a sensitive issue, and it comes as no surprise that the many actors we approached preferred to keep it that way. They cited privacy concerns.

Also, it might not be considered politic to reveal what a given theater has paid for a run. (This isn't about calling theater companies miserly, by the way. Some might be less sensitive than others to the plight of an actor's wallet. But bottom line, budgets are finite. And so often in live theater, they also are inescapably very limited.)

The professional union of stage actors is Actors Equity, which negotiates minimum pay rates for its members. Some theaters operate under Equity contracts and rules (example: a big theater such as the Goodman), and some do not (example: a small storefront theater such as Curious Theatre Branch).

Even within the Equity system, the pay minimums fluctuate depending on a theater's specific designation -- a complicated system of tiers and levels and contracts.By and large, Equity actors support themselves through their work as performers.

But according to actress Linda Gillum: "No one really makes their living just doing theater, so we all do something else." This generally means teaching jobs, voice-over and commercial work; and TV and film when they come through town. --For a blink-and-you'll-miss-me role on a television show, an actor might get $500 for the day. That's a nice chunk for a single day's work, but those opportunities are few and far between. Health insurance is also a big motivating factor for actors. Equity members must work 20 weeks a year to qualify for the union's health plan. Most shows run from nine to 18 weeks (including rehearsals). The pressure to work enough weeks looms large.

At the other end of the spectrum are non-Equity actors appearing in fringe and storefront productions. They can make from $0 -- you read that right -- to $200 a week. And it's not because the companies are stingy. The money simply isn't there.

Under these circumstances, any pay is gravy. Some companies offer a one-time stipend for the entire run, ranging from $25 to $500.

And forget the old cliche about actors waiting tables or tending bar. The majority I spoke to work day jobs in an office, where the health benefits help compensate for the tedium and fluorescent lighting.

A quick explanation of Equity's labyrinth of contract designations: Contracts offered by the Goodman, Northlight or Court Theatres, fall under the rules of the League of Resident Theaters.

The minimum weekly salary can range from $536 to $769. (After Feb. 25, the LORT minimum salary range goes up to $544-$792.)Most Equity theaters in Chicago -- which are allowed to employ some actors that are Equity, and some that are not -- fall under the Chicago Area Theatre contract rules and tier rankings; the minimums range from $162.50 to $686.25 per week.

By the way, Equity companies can (and frequently do) offer more than the minimum -- up to several hundred dollars more -- which is based on seniority or an actor's perceived value in the marketplace.

Most touring Broadway shows and designated Chicago productions of major Broadway musicals -- such as "Wicked" and "The Color Purple" -- operate under production contracts. Minimum is $1,465 a week, and lead roles can pay much, much more.

- - -Weekly minimums at some Chicago-area Equity theaters
Goodman Theatre$769(Albert Theatre) $536(Owen Theatre)
Steppenwolf Theatre686.25(Downstairs) $572(Upstairs, in most cases) $162.50 (Garage)Second City$647.04 (Mainstage) $485.28 (e.t.c. stage)
Chicago Shakespeare$572-$686.25 (mainstage)$572 (Upstairs)
Writers' Theatre$572
Northlight Theatre$536
Court Theatre$536
Marriott Theatre in Lincolnshire$611
Drury Lane Oakbrook Terrace $593
Lookingglass Theatre$319.75

- - -Chicago faces
Audrey Francis
Age: 27
Marital Status: single
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor and co-artistic director of Pine Box Theatre, plans to join the union after her run in "Othello" at Writers' Theatre in May.In 2006, Francis made about $4,000 (from fourshows), and $3,000 from television commercial work. But she earns the bulk of her money at Motel Bar, averaging $200/night. "I have a wonderful boss who lets me start at 11 p.m., so every night I get done with a show, I run straight to the bar and bartend until 4 in the morning. It's brutal, but if I didn't have that, I don't think I would be able to do theater."

Linda Gillum
Age: 30s
Marital Status: single
Residence: Chicago

Equity actor and Remy Bumppo Theatre Company member, appeared in the ensemble's fall production of "The Real Thing."In 2006, most of Gillum's income came from acting (from four shows, averaging $500/week); a quarter from acting classes she taught at the Acting Studio, Victory Gardens Training Center and the University of Illinois at Chicago. Remy Bumppo also pays its ensemble members a yearly stipend for administrative work that can range from $500 to $2,000. In the spring, Gillum directs "An Immigrant Class" for Remy Bumppo, but is still working to score acting jobs. "I'm nervous because last year I had four shows, and this year I don't have any."

Molly Hale
Age: 28
Marital status: single
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor (sketch and improv) seen at ComedySportz and i.O. Theater, and is a member of the group Sketchcore. In 2006, Hale earned about $6,000 from stage work. Works a day job at a financial company. "The thing is, especially with improv, it's very hard to make a living doing it full time. The only way to make money doing comedy is to get in on the corporate gigs" lined up by the business arms of Second City, i.O., etc. "The big break [moneywise] doesn't happen in Chicago," she says. "Most of my friends that give up their day jobs usually have a spouse who works a safe job."

Don Hall
Age: 40
Marital status: married to fellow theater artist Jen Ellison
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor and director, recently performed at SketchFest.Hall earned a $75 stipend for his role in LiveWire's production of "No Exit" in the fall. "That didn't even pay for the amount I spent on transportation, which was about $140 on the CTA. I didn't begrudge that, because they told me [the fee] upfront and they paid me closing night. The seventy-five bucks, to me it was like a handshake thank-you." Also does PR for small theater companies. Earns the bulk of his income as a substitute teacher for Chicago Public Schools.As for actor salaries: "Nobody wants to talk about it because everybody wants to place a shiny face on it, partly because they don't want anybody to think they're failing. And I understand that. ... Chicago is a working actor's town, and I know lots of non-Equity actors who do it because it's an opportunity to perform and really get some juicy roles and get the experience."

Joel Hatch
Age: 50
Marital status: married to fellow actor Carol Kuykendall, two children
Residence: Downers Grove

Equity actor frequently cast in musicals and plays, currently starring as Mr. Zero in "The Adding Machine: A Chamber Musical" at Next Theatre.On average, Hatch earns $40,000 to $50,000 annually from his work on Chicago stages. Says he has to appear in four to five shows a year to feel comfortable financially. "There are very few cities anywhere ... where I could do musical theater, Shakespeare, straight theater, comedy, dramas, all those things, and be booked throughout the year in the same city and live in my own house. That is a rare thing."

Robert McLean
Age: 38
Marital status: single
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor and Hypocrites company member, appearing in the Hypocrites' production of "Mud" beginning Feb. 18.An estimated $5,000 income from stage work in 2006 (from two shows), and another $5,000 from on-camera work. McLean took on temp jobs during the year. "I have some savings that I've made a big dent in, so I've got applications out at eight different Starbucks."

Marc Pera
Age: 35
Marital status: single
Residence: Chicago

Primarily a musical theater actor working toward Equity membership, currently in Porchlight Music Theatre's "The Teapot Scandals."In 2006, Pera made about $10,000 (from two shows). Will earn a $300 stipend for the current Porchlight show. Pera makes the bulk of his living waiting tables at Bistro Zinc, which allows flexibility between day and night shifts: "You can make good money waiting tables."

Sara Sevigny
Age: 36
Marital status: Married to fellow actor Jon Sevigny
Residence: Chicago

Non-Equity actor and co-founder of Open Eye Productions, currently in Porchlight Music Theatre's "Assassins."In 2006, Sevigny made about $500 as an actor (from four shows), and earns her living working a day job at a real estate company. "Because we run a theater company, we always talk about money when it comes to actors. ... They're always the last ones to get paid, after stage managers, designers, musicians -- everybody gets paid before you pay actors."

Brandon Sornberger
Age: 28
Marital status: engaged
Residence: Chicago

Actor (improv), currently appears in four shows a week at i.O. Theater, including "The Armando Diaz Experience."In 2006, made $300 from stage work, and about $13,000 in residuals and holding fees on television commercials from '05. Sornberger makes the rest of his money picking up the occasional corporate gig (which pays about $100 a show) and managing the bar at i.O. A night of bartending can come to $125-$150. "I'm getting married in June, and my fiance and I are leaving for L.A. shortly thereafter. I'm not getting any younger."

Jay WhittakerAge: 34
Marital status: single
Residence: Chicago

Equity actor with numerous credits at Chicago Shakespeare and Court Theatre. Currently in "Frank's Home" at Playwrights Horizons in New York (which ran at the Goodman in November and December).In 2006, Whittaker made about $20,000 from acting (his salary ranged between $250/week at Next for "A Number" to $850/week at the Goodman for "Frank's Home"). Last year, took on a short-term catering job. "It just gets depressing after a while. As of now, I live in a one-room apartment with no furniture."

And some background: Last June in the Tribune, arts critic Sid Smith profiled Whittaker as one of "Chicago theater's unsung heroes."

In the piece, Whittaker offered the nitty-gritty on cash flow. For his performance in the "Henry IV" cycle at Chicago Shakespeare Theater back in May, "I got $600 a week, which, after taxes is $500. My rent's $600, my car payment's $250, and after insurance and utility bills, there's not a lot left for food. I could get rid of my car, but that's an agonizing choice for a working actor. Do I keep it to drive to auditions in the suburbs? Or do I put food in my belly?"

It was the quotation heard around the world -- around the local theater world, anyway.

Some actors said Whittaker was crazy to lay it on the line -- and, by extension, criticize his employers. Others were glad someone spoke up -- salaries are what they are, and there is no shame in telling the truth.Whittaker says that after speaking out, he did not work at Chicago Shakespeare again, and that he plans to move to New York permanently.

Chicago Shakespeare Theater did not respond to requests for a comment.-- Nina Metz

My love of acting is real, but it makes my stomach hurt?

A brotha got to eat...

Media Take Out

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Putting My Toe in it

Ok, my crazy ass went in the bedroom to study and fell asleep.... now it's like 1:00am and I'm wide awake, so I was doing some employment seeking.. checking out the "openings".. peeping what skills employers expect people to have and what they're paying people for those skills... I'm finding the need to be more on top of my game and knowing what is marketable and the compensations helps.. and than I get to thinking like I might be a better entrepuer than anything... like why don't I just chill out, make a plan- take some classes to get more education, which will add to my expereince and also solve that little "i need a second" job syndrome... not to mention that I'm actually making "ok" compared to what other companies are paying.... but at the same time I could be making more by working for myself so I can do business the way I want to do it.

So, I sat down and wrote out a plan.. get some of this, a little bit of that, compliment that with this.. and than prioritize everything like what is going to make these biscuit taste better more butter or more water- i don't like my biscuits very flat so more butter- Also, what skills are going to make my job easier and more productive so I can leave the office by 6:00pm instead of 9:00pm and still make it to take a class, catch a seminar (that's going to give me a certificate for attending- need those C ontinuing Ed credits), continue working out everyday and than at some time between the next 12-15 months, say thank you for the time, experience and consideration, but I am now going into business for myself.

I think I would like that alot better.... and I can still dominate and if I wanted to relocate and set-up my business elsewhere- it's not like Chicago is the only city going "Condocrazy"-

So, I'm still looking but might throw the whole new employment thing in a pot and make a smoldering soup for later..... just got to get the meat, vegetables,& spices together....

and it never hurts to see what store is having the best sale.... so, who knows- it's open season and I can do anything.

A New Year w/ a New View

For the past few days, I've been attempting to post an entry- but I really wasn't prepared to "say" anything... I guess I really had nothing to say, although my life has been very busy over the past few weeks. .....

I actually went on vacation, met a great guy, became estranged from my g/f since she decided that I need to be her husband.. (so not feeling that)... decided that I would look for a new job, polished my resume, actually submitted my resume for a few positions and it looks like I'm open to relocating......

In short, I think 2007 is going to be the year where I face my fears. I've always said that Chicago is a great city, with great opportunities for brothas with their heads on straight- you know the whole big fish in a small pond thing... but then i woke up and looked at myself and something inside me said that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing and I'm not where I'm supposed to be at- so I started to think to myself.. like what am I supposed to be doing? The Acting thing hasn't worked out... and maybe I'm just not as special as they've always lead me to believe... so, if I'm not an actor- who am I? If I am an actor, just an unemployed one at the moment what am I supposed to be doing in the meantime?

Well, I decided that this Management thing is whassup, i hate dealing with the cry babies but maybe if I change the pond of water I'm swimming in- the results will be different. Kindaof a nature versus nurture experiment.

So, in 2007, I'm going to possibly do a career change- I might just do a location change and stick with the Real Estate thing, because generification is happening everywhere just not in Chicago.

Also, I've decided that I'm going to be more forgiven, forgivenning not forgetting- but just time to move on with my life.

I'm young, smart, gifted, can adjust to about any atmosphere (the actor in me)... so why not see what the other ponds look like?

One will never know-- unless they try..

Here's to trying.....