A Moment of clarity

There is so much in my life that I'm ashamed of/so many memories invade my body and leave me unable to sleep/my ankles remember things that a lil black boy should have never seen or experienced/numerous nights of allowing my nude body to fall into the falls of someone who not only murdered my hope/ but my pride/ becuz they couldn't see the fear behind my eyes/ i only wanted to be held and to hold you instead we ended entrapped in a fantast of dreams and lies/ never to see each other again for some years/ and occasionally i'll think of u, & remember the good times/ remember the nights i slept next to u n the shadows while darkness laid between us/ me whispering softly that u were mine/ but u were off asleep in the middle of the night with some other girl or guy/ & i was left alone to fend for some in the darkness- thats the onnly place i allow myself to cry/
now when men come to sleep in my bed/ i ask them to go home in the middle of the night or they often take their cue and leave me alone/ after they've drained my manhood and left me weak/ after my toes have curled and i've made manly sounds and released my loins/ i lay nude thinking of u/ trying desperately to quiet the voices that tell me that noone will love me/ and that he can't possible love me/ and i ask my self what is wrong wit u. and i beat myself for being everything i am and than pick up my limbs, wash them off, and devour them all over again. i nibble at the tissue of my arms & legs & thighs & suck my own dick n play wit my own butt hole/ cause u'll never tough me again/ n my knees with never feel that sand again/ becuz i will know longer be used/ or ur victim whore to do ur will and than leave. that black boy- naive as he was- still cries in that field and the man i am today picks him up and hugs him close/ holds him close- sometimes too close/. almost soffacting him, but allowing him to breathe... after today he will go back out. after learning one of the hardest lessons one must learn in a field of one of americas most loved sports.