Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Am I worthy/ facing my own fears

Today, as I was working out.. I realized something-- the something that I realized was all the negativity that was boggling in my head.. the tiny voices that whispered "you'll never look like that" or such and such dude would never find you attractive so don't even look over there- as the voices begin to merge i begin to feel tears come to my eyes and than a burning in my chest and right than and there i decided no more... No more excuses of why somebody won't or can't or shouldn't love me- and no more excuses why i should protect myself and only deal with guys that in my mind can approach me/ although deep inside i always feel like their not going to be able to handle me- also deep down inside i don't feel attractive although i normally get alot of attention per say- deep down in side i feel ugly/ unworthy/ and unimportant- however, all this is a lie- i'm not ugly- i am worthy, and yes not everything is for everybody, but i am for somebody- and shyt dudes would be crazy not to be with a brotha like me--- well without all the insecurities and the constant pealing of sores around every part of me that is worthy and naturally good.... i guess i can begin to deal with my own guilt and start forgiving others and myself ---- because now i realize that i've been standing in my own way-- and the only way for me to be truly happy is to surrender and move on- i cant change the past--- i have some control but not much on the future-- and here in the present the best i can do is breathe and let go--- to let things be what and how their supposed to be--- so far in my life things have been good- yes i've fell a few times and had a few heartbreaks, lost friends, angered family members and disrespected and disgraced myself but even in my loneliness moments i find a glitter of hope that keeps me going and that allows me to survive under any and all conditions... i am a survivor a warrior or has showed and hidden too many scars and denied himself the chance to feel the sun against his face and the beaming of his smile to grace the hearts of others without being drowned by fear-- today all this stops--- because when you know better you can do better--- today i desire the wisdom to do better- to be complete and to become a better man-- a better person-- not only for me, but for all the little me's that make me. --- for all the emotional brothas who felt the belts against their skin and heard the cries of their mothers but had no strength to intervene- for all the broken hearted dirty little boys who grow up in the projects and has a candy lady for a mother, who cant imagine and dare to dream, only to one day see their dream become a nightmare before their eyes because the love they've been craving has been right inside of them unleashed all their lives and all they need was the poem to set them free/ to allow them to breath/ the allow them to be/ black.dirty.poor.male.sweet.kind.proud.ashamed.unpowered.empowered.sensitive.loving.scared.unapologetic.rebel.homo.erotic.spin
of the life and times of a poor black ghetto boy who escaped and dared to dream past the ugly reality of america.

1 comment:

sidney said...

Hey brotha, I check your blog from time to time and today came upon your emotional testimony for a better life for want of a better description. I thank you for sharing your most emotional and deepest pain, and seemingly suffering for want of a better self. You can do it bro...take these words of encouragement and run with em to the nearest person and say "yes I can, yes I am." You've found all the courage you need; you had it already. Now write how you're a better man and you've got a mission to help others come up and recognize within themselves that no one can bring you down but you. I'm encouraged and I feel better just by writing this. I think you'll be smiling now. Save the scowl for those that want to drag you down. You are indeed worthy, and you've got a friend here too. Don't let your surroundings create barriers that will hinder you. Good luck in all that you strive to do and want. I'll be watching more frequently now to see if the timbre of your words change because I now think you are a changed man. I look forward to seeing this in your posts in the future.