Today, I feel such a sense of pity for my self or perhaps its agony as if life gets no better and in some ways i hope could get no worse- this aching sense that i'm becoming depressed seems to be a reality- the fact that i hat to be alone but am still lonely even when i'm around others is creeping from my brains membrane to the ends of my hair follicles and the silent tears of yesterday began to warp my heart as i reminscence about the dreams and visions of yesterday, all of which have know disappeareed into vapor and shadows which wake me at night- my body is numb, my mind swirls as the thoughts run through my mind like a twister rolls through the sea and destroys the homes before it- my creativity is drowing as i constantly gasp for air & feel my lungs cave from underneath my rib cage but than i remind that i've really never breathed-- i've always held my breath from being heard as i hid beneath the surface of a dusty black boy- ignorant, poor, & dirty-- only holding on to the dream that someone/ somewhere would love me and take away all the hurt that i once and continue to feel-- but that time and space and person has never come and at one point i thought it was you but than you did like all the rest and disappointed me but even worse because i told you what i wanted- what i desired- what i wished n felt-- and all i needed for u to do was to hold me so i could once again breat-- breath like i did as a very young infant before all the fist & blood rumagged through my mind- before the tabloids runied the little bit of sanity and innoncent from my limb body- as you raped my mouth with ur cock i wished that it would stopped but warranted for it to happen again-- what a sick creature i was- not knowing how to stop the crusading waves from torturing my inner most treasure--- not being able to breath- i just want to fucking breath- so get out-- go!! leave liek everyone else so i can finally be alone and be ok, because i don't need love if this is what love is.. i don't need anything.... not even air... because after all it's been so long since air has tickled my lips and went down my throat-- because i'm afraid to breath u into me.... so afraid to be hurt again... but dammmit i have to breathe.... i have to learn to breathe.. even with all the craziness in the world.... there has to be some place where a brotha can just breathe...