ReFound Hope

It doesn't cost a thing to smile

You don't have to pay to laugh

You better thank the universe for that......

I think my new mindset can be best summed up by the words of India.Arie who says there's hope.. and yet hope is the one thing in my life that has been consistent, men & women come and go, self love and loathing arise and sleep at their own will- the anguish I sometimes feel and exert will pass.... everything is going to be allright..... because HOPE NOT DOPE is the one thing that I've allows relied on and I continue to believe that something good will come out of all this bad....

Last night as I slept in the arms of this man, I dreamt about this woman, and I realized that so much of my life- i've been trying to be who and what everyone else wanted and was abandoning my inant sense to just be me... I called my self a nonconfirmist than shaved off my locs to survive the pressures of whiteness during my grad school years, began code switching before i knew what the fuck a code was, learned to hide my sexuality because I didn't want to be singled out-- learned to hide me.... when I attended grad school, the professor would often say- you have to get out of your own way....

Two years later, I think I finally understand what that means.. it means stop the negative ass thinking, stop the judgement, and the paranoia, just move, move, move, .... move right outta my life...lol... (ok I had a "gay moment"....lol... ) Anyway, it means that I have so much to live for and when I really look, I can see that their in fact are people in my corner and it doesn't mean that they are subject to being my oxygen and that I don't need to grap on to them for dear life... that I can be alone, as much as I don't like to and I'm still ok..... I like to hug and be intimate and to connect with people and just because I connect with another person- it doesn't mean that this other person has an obligation to me or that I own this person or that I owe this person something.. I am a great guy, a little complicated and complex but....
India.Arie sings to me & tells me that she

Had to runTo the arms of curiosity

Just to find

What was here in my life all along

I had found that the art of simplicity

Simply means making peace of your complexity

Maybe, it's the same with me....

I know that at my B-day party this past Sat/Sun I stood in front of a group of beautiful people and spoke from the heart, the intoxication or weed& alcohol, not to mention the cake aided me in what my throat couldnt possible utter in the past.... how greatfull I am - because regardless of everything the people in this room choose to spend some time with me on my day.. and that shyt was sooooo special to me, and meant so much because there I was standing naked (not literally nasty asses) and for the first time - I embraced my complexity... my two sides.. my heterosexuality/ my bisexuality/ & my homosexuality-- there in this room of my peers... in a room of the whiteest of whites to the darkest of darks- to my permed sistas to my locked brothas and me the guy with the cornrows, full of the sweetest intoxication where I was able to speak from my heart in a way that I never had before-- the mountains moved.. the rivers opened and hopefully now I can begin to heal my soul... or at least began to wash my soul... because "lord" knows it needs... it... and of yeah, I'm going to start of the path of forgiveness... cause I got to get ahold of this anger inside of me..so let me go on and see Aunt Esther cause a brotha definetely needs his soul washed...

What's that address again? 1839 WylieAvenue......

Here the fuck i come...