Sunday, October 21, 2007

Embarking on forgiveness Part 1 of ??

I've spent so much of my life thinking something was wrong with me & feeling pitiful because I wasn't someone or something else.

In the end all I wanted was for my parents to love me & they didn't & then & there lies the problem. - because how on earth could or would anyone else love me when the two people who should have didn't/wouldn't or /couldn't-

and here in lies the misery which has become my life-- but this misery rest here no more because today i realize that i am strong & courageous & (as unmasculine as it may sound) Beautiful... realistically human stretching for the gods to help me- to aid me in this life which by giving up control i have gain another kinda of control and i can get to sleep with out much fuss most nights-- although i would like to lay next to someone i refuse to be a "cum dumpster" or a "sperm donor" in another's fantasy of words and illusion-- my life has no time for that kind of madness--- from here i can only go UP! Because my life has been well "interesting" to say the least--- I've learned alot... been challenged and suceeded and failed but i'm still here... i'm still alive & just in that lies beauty that I've never known-- the assurance that i can just breathe in peace-- noone to smother my oxygen or to disgrace my heart wit words or wounds.... today i realize that i have become a MAN right in the front of my own eyes-- that i've grown and i have regrets and i have triumphs which i will share one day in the safety of someone's arms who loves me.... and know i know that i also love me-- because i have the courage to speak the truth.. the truth is my life is not as i ever seemed... it is unfolding in front of me... sometimes i miss u aaj, and sometimes i wonder could we ever be friends today- but i dont know... and i give it up to the universe but i do want to say that i'm sorry and i understand that u could never love me even if u wanted to... because we come from two different part of the tracks although, those tracks shared many of the same dreams & secrets as children in WEA.

That's back when i gave my heart to you without knowing it-- and also the first of many rejections that would come with me opening myself up and giving freely-- now i realize this/u/ have made me stronger-- sharing my love with u- helped me grow more and more stronger every day--- no we may never have a relationship or even talk or see each other again, but this is today-- it's time for me to let go.....

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