Lost & Confused

I have so much to say all of a sudden- the words ramble in my mind like bees in a nest occupied by the duty set before them to please their queen... the words roll through my veins, through the bile that is my gall bladder, my bladder, my kidneys, my colon, and it trickles down through my rectum and on the floor because now i'm forced to look at the shyt that i believe and honestly it doesn't look nor smell too good.....

i don't know what i believe anymore--- i know that i'm finding that i'm lonely, even when i'm with people i find it hard to connect and than qhwn i do connect it is with a grip that is so tight it threatens to suffocate any possibility of growth- i guess the truth is i am that insecure- i am that vulnerable- i am that human.......i urn for things not known- things that i can understand and everything that is written and seen has reason and follows a concept- that everything truly does happen for a reason- that everything will make sense in the end.

what my eyes see today makes no sense- has no rythm nor reason- pity, senseless acts made by egomaniacs who for whatever reason have convinced themselves that it's all about them-- today as i laid down to take a nap.. i wonder if one of those people were me? was i being the "legend in my own mind"-- was i fullfilling my purposes or was i just being a "bitch box" who's unhappy with their life- doesn't feel like the have the power to change it, although they make mediocre steps and have "Accompiments" that can endorn the walls of anyplace i end up calling home.. and yet and still i end up at step one-- feeling alone, isolated, like no one understands me, and that the sense of humanity i long for is within the hills with buddhist monks who spend their time chanting and patiently waiting for "enlightment"....

today, i realize that i am so confused...so lost without an understanding of why i'm lost, why i'm lonely, why i find it hard to trust other people and a man once told me that i have to find someone or something to believe in and until i do my wonderingness will continue-- am i the needle in the hay stack or am i simple just some over self indulgent guy who simply has not learned that it really ain't that deep and i'm really not that important- in the big picture of things- i am simple one small microcosm of the universe and as silly as it seems on some level there most be a purpose or a job, something that i can attack with the fearlessness that urges an animal to seek out its prey

Strength

I've always been strong and that with each day I only become stronger- the beauty is that I am finally realizing that I am becoming the man I'm meant to be. - with each breathe, every step that i walk, every second that i'm able to close my eyes and sleep, peaceful sleep even without a permanent job, and my own place, and all the beautiful things that i once had- i still have myself- and great friends & family- and my life may not always go the way that i want it to- i may be humbled/many times over/ until i truly learn the lesson that it to be learned/ my smile can never be taken away/ my strength lies within/ no longer closing off the world/ but realizing that i show my heart to those that i used to/ the closeness that comes within the death of an era/ the reincarnation of the new journey begins/ with the newness of the birth of flowers in springtime and as wet as the snow in winter & soon the universe will bring out the sun to dry all my tears & bless me with the release of seeing a new garden, a new field, a new forest with new trees/ from old seeds, and all this beauty would have come from me

Reality

For the last past days, I've been realizing something about my self and the world in which I live in- It seems as if just five shorts weeks ago I was in Chicago doing the damn thing and not five weeks later, here I am in Washington, Dc- I'm so damn happy to be back on the East Coast and although things haven't necessarily gone the way I thought they would- I'm ok.. and I'm very thankful for just being able to breathe oxygen into my lungs and the fact that my brain works, and I have legs to walk on.-- There's so much that I'm greatful for- sometimes it's just the fact that I can smile- that I can look at life and know that this too shall pass and that I still have it and within me I have everything that I will ever need....

It's like in the musical the Color Purple (and although i haven't seen it yet- I've been singing the lyrics to I'm Here).....

I don't need you to love me...... I don't need you to lovvveee.....

I got...... I goootttt.....

good friends,
great family members,
my health,
my strength,
a good sound mind,
a good body,
a good heart,
empathy for those who hate their lives,

i just love me right now... even if I am techinically void of a permanent job---- i got what

I've always had-- myself...

"I got my hands-- doing good like the used to"

"showing my heart to the folks I'm close to"

"Got my eyes- though the don't see that far now--- they see how things really r now"

thank u to my good friends for supporting n loving me--

"but most of all I'm thankful loving who I really am"

It's really depresing when you see people who don't see the joy in their lives, the don't see the good in themselves, in you, in others, they set on the subway and stare into space-- that must be a sad exitence......i'm just glad that i am and can be me.... there's nothing more important to Emotional than being exactly who he is and all his complexity.....