Sunday, March 27, 2005

Reflections of Friday Night

I haven't blogged in a few days, or maybe in about a week or so, well I've been doing some self reflection (like when am I not self reflecting.) At any rate, I'm trying to escape this karma that I've created, which has unfolded as my life. In the process of gaining perspective on this karma and the actual events which have shaped who I am, has caused me to cocoon- I really haven't been communicating as much or as well as I should with my friends and assocaites- one on hand I've been very very busy and on the other I've been preoccupied with myself- trying to escape this anxiety, loss of self esteem, and shame. In the past week or so, especially after realizing the role that "sex" plays in my life and the difficult process of change- and how change is the only thing permenant in life and in order to survive we must change/ evolve/ progress- I've realized that I've cocconed because something within me has really changed or at least I've rediscovered certain aspects of my old self which are not killed off or deleted simply just lying dormant. i.e. there was a point in my life when I would only have sex with one dude at a time- however in recent years i've had sex with more than one guy in a day or shyt sometimes within a few hours- and lets not even talk about the sex parties and freak sessions- and perhaps this is the reason that hiv scares me so much- because i realize how fortunate I am, but at the same time it forces to me to examine all the unsafe situations I've put myself in.

Well, Friday night, I went out to dinner with Sweetness and two of her freinds; dinner was great- good conversation, great food, and much love all around the table. Well, Sweetness and I had two drinks at dinner, I had a scotch and then a glass of wine with my meal, Sweetness had two scothes and boy was she drunk after that. Well, after I dropped Sweetness off, she told me not to drink too much tonight, I don't knwo how in her 85 years of wisdom she knew I was planning on going out and getting my tequila on- but she knew- So, I said ok- gave her a big hug and proceeded to go home and change into my ghettto wear- got home hung up my suit, threw on some jeans, a black long john shirt and a shirt over that and I was out the door and yeah I showered before getting dressed- lol- So, I'm in the car playing some Redman, getting into the I don't give a fuck mood cause I had a hard week- So, I finally get to the Prop House show my VIP card, which I just received, so I didn't have to wait in line. I see one of my buddies soon as I get in the club, as always he starts he bullshyt "you never call a brotha" YADA YADA fucking yada- I'm like man you never call me either so lets call it a truce- we agree to be better about calling although I know he gets on my nerves with his I wanna be a thug and I only fuck wit real niggahs attitude- to say the least the night is not starting off well- So, I go to the bar and simply ask for a bottle of water, not I know something has changed within me because normally that would have been give me a Dr. Philgood or a long island or at least a beeer- Well, the entire night proceeded in this matter- me going to the bar and drinking water- I was surprised at how differently I felt about the club being sober and all-

Well, I learned alot from a simple change in libation- I learned that the club is not where I belong- I don't like being starred down or running into my x's or niggahs that i've fucked with who r now talking to my ex's (and seeing my last x leave the club with this brotha who claimed three days ago that he loved me) not even going to go down that road because I'm already infurtraited about the entire situation- but in hind sight the shyt was funny the two liars deserve one another and sadly but surely my x will discovery that- which brings me to the fact of my latest sadness- why is that we as bothers are so disposable to one another? Recylable or simply left to be scattered in landfills- and as horrrific as the Rashawn Brazell tragedy is why do we treat each other the same way he killer did everyday-??????? Things that make you go hmmmmmm and what the fuck-

Well this blog could be so much longer but theres no need to go on and on about what most of us already know and either simply choose to ignore or just don't give a fuck-for me- I'm realizing that the things I hate in others are the things I hate in my self- I hate liars because I hate the part of me that finds it necessary to lie- I had promocoius negroes because I hate being primoucous- I abhor negreos who have no self worth/ self respect/ or dignity because I hate the old me and parts of the new me which express these traits- at any rate, like Jennifer Holiday sang in dream girls I AM CHANGING-- just LOOK AT ME---- LOOK AT ME-- but don't look to close because u might see some part of yourself....

4 comments:

Ricky said...

I was wondering what happend to you brother. You been doing some major self evaluating man. Do you feel the need to change what you don't like about yourself or just keep on reflecting?

The LoveHater said...

Great post EMO BRO. We all need to examine the parts we play in this dysfunctional community. I've been trying very hard to be the me I can be since my own enlightenment. I think it's going pretty well...Good luck with yours.

SmilingOnThaDL said...

I AM CHANGING.... POWERFUL!

"... Rashawn Brazell tragedy is why do we treat each other the same way he killer did everyday-?"

I asked myself that question everyday. You are not alone with your struggles! As I read about you, I definitely see parts of me! We all will evolve into better creatures.

ClayStarr said...

....i'll change my life.....i'll make a vow. nothing is going to stop me now!