Today, I had a long talk with Cutiepie via phone- he's quite concerned with the fact that I'm feeling so much so quickly and he doesn't want to "disappoint" my expectations- Well, I'm still crazy about the brotha, but after hanging up with him and orally spitting out a few poems- it hit me- Cutiepie is a quiet reminder of what I really want and who I truly am. What I want is one brotha to be with/ who I am is a brotha who just needs one brotha-
Now, I know some of yall have read my blog and heard me talk about the crazy places I have been- I think my involvement in some of these places have resulted from my deceptive "coming out process"- When I "came" out the closet, I had recently ending a relationship with my high school sweetheart/ n was going to kill myself/ instead i went to the shrink- who told me that some men are fathful and some are not/ wither they are "gay" or "straight"..... I remember him telling me it sounds like you want everything any other man wants- the house/ the picket fence/ the kids/ n dog/ u just want to be with a man- well this was n is the truth.
I have always simply wanted to fall in love with some man and have him fall in love with me; at this point in my life this has yet to happen. It appears that time and time again, I fall in love with men, who fall in love with other men/ white men/ muscular men/ masculine men/ feminine men/ but none of these men are me- I.E. My 1st "relationship" ended because the brotha fell in love with another man/ who just happened to be a white man/ the hurt from this relationship has scared my reality and the way i think n feel about myself.
At any rate, after the delution of this relationship I came out to my family and then shortly moved to Philadelphia where I expereinced "The City of Brotherly love", a place where I was free to be who and what I was because I was away from home and in a big city where noone knew me or could judge me- they simply had to accept me. Looking back, accepting me cost more than I realized at the time; for the most part, much of who I thought I was, was opaque and my time there molded "who" and "what" I was to become and how I was to live my life. To say the least, I abadoned my white house and picket fence because "we" didn't live in white house or picket fences/ we didn't live together at all/ we were single men who had fun at each others expense/ never loving/ never losing/ never really touching at all
It was in Philly that I went into my first "gay" bar, had my 1st "one night stand", had my first "openly gay" freind, and learned about life as a "gay" man. It was during this crucial year that I began to live my life as a "gay" man- so I learned to do as the Romans do when in Rome/I went home with men/ only wanting to hug but ended up fucking/ and believed that it was normal/ i mean "everyone" was doing it/ so it must be normal right/ this is the way that "gay" men behave- this is the way that men who don't have a problem with sexuality behave, right? And that's what I always wanted to be/ a man who didn't have a problem with his sexuality/ a man who was masculine n didn't have a problem loving another man/
that's what i wanted to be- to love some man and have some man love me
Well as time passed, I forgot about loving anyone; I became a fragment of other people's imagination. Maybe it was to avoid the pain of being alone/ or maybe i simple just needed to be accepted/ so if I had to take some guy home then I had to take him home/ if i had to be silent of my dreams which composed of white houses/ picket fences/ kids/ a dog/ n laying up with some man/ then that's what i had to do/ so I became a lusty servant to what ever man had my attention at that particuliar point in my life. ----That's until Cutiepie. ---
Ya, see every since I met Cutiepie, my feelings are on 20; my mind has been spinnning out of control because unbeknown to my concious mind/ my body remembered what it felt all those years back/ how i always wanted to spend my life with one brotha- talking wit Cutiepie made me want to make this one brotha him/ the way he feels against my body/ how i melt when he kisses me/ how i ALLOW myself to feel unprotected/ open/ able to receive something from someone/ vulnerable.... in short, talking with him regained my hope of being wit one brotha.
Maybe my homeboy was right, I'm simply infatuated with him- I'm not sure... All I know is that this feeling feels good and now that I'm written about it, I'm much calmer. You know Iyana Vanzant says "people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime"- right now Cutiepie has fullfilled one of those categories, who knows what else might be in store?