Thursday, March 03, 2005

My "Infactuation" w/ Cutiepie???

Today, I had a long talk with Cutiepie via phone- he's quite concerned with the fact that I'm feeling so much so quickly and he doesn't want to "disappoint" my expectations- Well, I'm still crazy about the brotha, but after hanging up with him and orally spitting out a few poems- it hit me- Cutiepie is a quiet reminder of what I really want and who I truly am. What I want is one brotha to be with/ who I am is a brotha who just needs one brotha-

Now, I know some of yall have read my blog and heard me talk about the crazy places I have been- I think my involvement in some of these places have resulted from my deceptive "coming out process"- When I "came" out the closet, I had recently ending a relationship with my high school sweetheart/ n was going to kill myself/ instead i went to the shrink- who told me that some men are fathful and some are not/ wither they are "gay" or "straight"..... I remember him telling me it sounds like you want everything any other man wants- the house/ the picket fence/ the kids/ n dog/ u just want to be with a man- well this was n is the truth.

I have always simply wanted to fall in love with some man and have him fall in love with me; at this point in my life this has yet to happen. It appears that time and time again, I fall in love with men, who fall in love with other men/ white men/ muscular men/ masculine men/ feminine men/ but none of these men are me- I.E. My 1st "relationship" ended because the brotha fell in love with another man/ who just happened to be a white man/ the hurt from this relationship has scared my reality and the way i think n feel about myself.

At any rate, after the delution of this relationship I came out to my family and then shortly moved to Philadelphia where I expereinced "The City of Brotherly love", a place where I was free to be who and what I was because I was away from home and in a big city where noone knew me or could judge me- they simply had to accept me. Looking back, accepting me cost more than I realized at the time; for the most part, much of who I thought I was, was opaque and my time there molded "who" and "what" I was to become and how I was to live my life. To say the least, I abadoned my white house and picket fence because "we" didn't live in white house or picket fences/ we didn't live together at all/ we were single men who had fun at each others expense/ never loving/ never losing/ never really touching at all

It was in Philly that I went into my first "gay" bar, had my 1st "one night stand", had my first "openly gay" freind, and learned about life as a "gay" man. It was during this crucial year that I began to live my life as a "gay" man- so I learned to do as the Romans do when in Rome/I went home with men/ only wanting to hug but ended up fucking/ and believed that it was normal/ i mean "everyone" was doing it/ so it must be normal right/ this is the way that "gay" men behave- this is the way that men who don't have a problem with sexuality behave, right? And that's what I always wanted to be/ a man who didn't have a problem with his sexuality/ a man who was masculine n didn't have a problem loving another man/
that's what i wanted to be- to love some man and have some man love me

Well as time passed, I forgot about loving anyone; I became a fragment of other people's imagination. Maybe it was to avoid the pain of being alone/ or maybe i simple just needed to be accepted/ so if I had to take some guy home then I had to take him home/ if i had to be silent of my dreams which composed of white houses/ picket fences/ kids/ a dog/ n laying up with some man/ then that's what i had to do/ so I became a lusty servant to what ever man had my attention at that particuliar point in my life. ----That's until Cutiepie. ---

Ya, see every since I met Cutiepie, my feelings are on 20; my mind has been spinnning out of control because unbeknown to my concious mind/ my body remembered what it felt all those years back/ how i always wanted to spend my life with one brotha- talking wit Cutiepie made me want to make this one brotha him/ the way he feels against my body/ how i melt when he kisses me/ how i ALLOW myself to feel unprotected/ open/ able to receive something from someone/ vulnerable.... in short, talking with him regained my hope of being wit one brotha.

Maybe my homeboy was right, I'm simply infatuated with him- I'm not sure... All I know is that this feeling feels good and now that I'm written about it, I'm much calmer. You know Iyana Vanzant says "people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime"- right now Cutiepie has fullfilled one of those categories, who knows what else might be in store?

1 comment:

The LoveHater said...

I know its good to communicate feelings and all but when you meet a potential BF who you think [hope] might be Mr. [enter your last name], Rule No. 1 is Always Play It Cool. Sure, show him that you like him, do whatever feels natural, but watch what you say. Let him know that things are progressing and you're happy with him, but to articulate intense feelings from jump will scare a brother away.

One time this dude told me that he loved me after 3 days! Now, his feelings for me may have been validated over time, but after 3 days he didn't know what I was capable of! I could have done him wrong and where would that leave him? Lookin' kinda foolish.

That's probably why your friend may be telling you that you're infatuated, because you don't know Cutie all that well.

Reel it in a tad, try not to scare him off, do a lil' damage control, and hopefully you guys can keep it going at a comfortable pace for the both of you.