Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The burden of my truth

Last night, I recieved a voicemail from my lil sister about "how i didn't call them back"; how in the world am I supposed to call you back if you log on the internet and sit on there for half of the night?

At any rate, after finallly getting through, my mother anwsers the phone after like 11 rings, (I started to hang up but declined thinking something might be wrong). Well, she starts the conversation off with "Well I decided if anything happens, the kids will go to my( my brother) because your life is so busy and I feel like they need to be in a home with a man and a wife". I was fit to be tied! I wanted to run through the phone and kill her my damn self!

So, I sat there in my car, feeling like shyt, as the heat of anger came over me, but I reminded myself to breathe- and I said that's fine- it's your decision and I accept and respect it, (under my breathe- as silly as I think it is.) To which she wants to explain how my "lifestyle" is too busy to raise two children- so I say this all has to do with me being "gay" right? "Oh no, honey, it has nothing to do with that, but your single, etc..." So, I reply so "if I was in a relationship you'd feel comfortable?" And you already know what the answers were/was......

So, there I was dismantled by my burden of truth. By the fact that 8 years ago, I decided to tell my mother the truth about who and what I was; for some follish reason I thought we had overcome the incomfortableness of my lifestyle- this conversation proves that we have not! This conversations, actually reminds me of many things that haven't changed like me thinking that I NEED to take care of my mother- Well honestly, I DO NOT! She's a grown damn woman! So, I hereby cut the umblical cord and live my life for me and the hell with pleaseing her.

Furthermore, this conversation displays the growth the last eight years has induced- Had this conversation happened 5, 6, or 7 years ago I'd probably be cursing myself about how I should & need to be "straight". However, the "new" me knows better- I know that no matter what I accomplish in life, to many people, including my mother, it will never be good enough because the blemish that outshines all my accomplishments is my "gayness/lifestyle/sexuality".

It is this curse and blessing which fuels my self image and my drive in life- It's like this scene has replayed "over and over" again in my life- the difference is- now I CHOOSE TO DEAL with it differently- and self hatred isn't an option.


1 comment:

Ricky said...

Living this lifestyle does have its burden but you have to be you. Like when I came out to my mother she said she was okay with my sexuality, so she said. Sometimes when I talk with my mother she will slip in, if only you found the right girl for you, you would be good to go. I brought a couple of friends with me home once and my mother assumed my friends were gay but they were not and she treated them indifferent when they came to her home for dinner. She never seems to take into account that I am happy with who I am and that my sexuality is not the defining factor in what type of person I am. Out of all my siblings I am the only one with a college degree, and working on another advance degree and my mother thinks my life would be good to go if I was just straight. Well I know that is not happening. But back to your blog you were right many times people do see your sexuality before they see you as a person, which why many of us on our jobsor even with some family members do not disclose our sexuality due to being discriminated against or looked down upon.