Last night I went to bed kinda early; I little after 10 to be specific. I know after 10 pm is early but hey, I was worn out and tired. After an 8 hour regular work day, then hitting the gym for a good hour and then attending a Committee Meeting with owners who just don't understand the law and didn't let out till 9PM- I was ready to go home and lay it down. I called cutiepie on my way home and didn't get an answer- wasn't suprised by that and decided to just shower and lay down somewhere. So, I washed my ass, allowing the water to run for extended periods to wash away my headaches and troubles of the day. Ah, I then got a few books, laid in my bed & proceeded to read and ended up writing. I didn't actually write much- alot of thoughts but couldn't properly articulate exactly what I was feeling, so i got up and went to my computer and just began typing- the thoughts on the screeen jumped around more than a kid that was going to wet himself- but hey got them out- It was as if i was sitting there with the peices to my life rearranging the picture once more so i could get a better understanding of exactly what the painting was saying/expressing- a great deal of pain- splashed in intense reds and purples/ feiry blues were thinly laid about the canvas/ and here and there lil flickers of light. I closed my eyes after releasing/revisiting many of this coloral pastels/ my fingers were dripped in oil/ then water color/ then clay/ i was creating a portrait of my life with different mediums/ the easel become heavy but never collapsed- the picture simply stood there- distorted/ not angular/ not level/ not like anything i had seen before- a black boy's pain/ keith antar says DONT TOUCH HIM- DONT NOBODY TOUCH HIM/
well, I didn't cry last night/ i simply revisited my past to understand how i got to my present and what am i going to paint next/ fear or love/ am i going to live my life being afraid or am i going to jump beyond the bounds of the bridge and know that i'll be ok cause i can swim/
last night i laid back in the bed/ rested my body against the sheets/ n imagined water taking me away/ i floated on water last night/ i never once thought i was going to drown/ i just floated on water/ like particles/dirt/leaves/ wishes float miles and miles from home to nuture/nature/ w its glimmering/ i floated on water/ on the tops of waves which cascade into sand/rocks/beaches/ oceans/ seas/
i feel sleep w/ the feeling of water on the back of my neck/ between my thighs/ my toes/ my eyes/ my nose/ i feel asleep to water last night n listening to love songs-
I awoke to a love song/ might have been when i fall in love/ OR/ marvin n tammy terrell/ i'm not sure/ all i know is that cutiepie was on my mind/ and i was filled w/ wanting to be with him/ but knew i needed this time to myself/ so i laid in the bed/ with the afteraffect of the water/ the sootheness that it gave me/ my depth of peacefullness/ the rich softness that carressed my body- soft/ gentle/ loving/ intimate/ i then rolled over & under my sheets/ above my sheets/ from one pillow to another/ by this time it was about 2 am.... i went back to my computer and wrote somemore- again- incomprehensible thoughts/ so i put on a movie and massaged myself into some limp state of extasy/ again a thought of cutiepie lingered thru my mind/ i begin wondering what it would be like to have sex with him/ kissing him/ i touched my nipple/ massaged my manhood/ liked my lips/ touched my nipple again n just wanted to hug with him- wondered how his body would feel against mine/ how his manhood would feel against my butt/ as i slept into the night/ would i feel safe in his arms/ was he fucking someone else/ knowing i couldnt let him fuck me/if/ he was sleeping with someone else/ cause can't let nobody leave my bed n go to another/ then smacking myself/ wake the fuck up/ live in reality/ ur single/ he's single/ he can do whatever he wants/ switching videos/ then touching my nipple/ blinking my eyes/ feeling the heat from my inner self/ massaging/ stroking/ feeling that feeling like it's bout to cum up/ holding on my nipple/ then the other/ oh shyt---i'm reaching extasy by myself/ i got up/ went into the bathroom to clean myself n went back to bed/ back to my wild dreams of floating on water
i woke up again about 5 or 6 am, listened to these crazy love songs- and eventually drifted back to sleep/ i awoke again- this time by my alarm/ i got up feeling restored/refreshed/ turned the radio up/ opened the blinds- allowing light to hit my body/ there i stood naked/ splattered with intense paints/ i turned on the shower/ brushed my teeth/ gargled with a lil mouthwash/ then into the warm shower/ the water against my body like making love/ gentle/ silent/ soft/ then hard/ cascading against every part of my body/ i let the water run over my body like rain/ wet/ light/ soft/ i then turned off the shower/ dried off and massaged my body with lotion and african oil/ got dressed n out the door/ but not before i read my inspirational passage for the day from Acts of Faith/ (i've began picking it up again)/ the point of the day- whenever there's pain- it's a signal that somethings wrong/ therefore today when and if i expereince pain- i know that there's something wrong- so lets just say as i walked out the door- looking and feeling decent this morning- that today is a new day...I mean hell, I actually got to work early...