Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Out of Limbo

Lately it seems as if I have not been myself- I haven't done anything that I normally would do or would not do. However my mind is heavy with anxiety and fear-and something within me has changed- I can't exactly name it right now- but I know that something is different- It's like my body/mind/ heart/ n soul are lined up to clear out the unnecessary garabage in my life- the lies that I've been told/the untruths I've believed/ the deceptive vices which have warped my life

Perhaps, the spirit of the poem is taking over- I'm not exactly sure- all I know is that/
For the past 3 months, this change has occurred gradually, not really making big movements or strides but subtle "reminders", subtle thoughts/ feelings/ emotions- which are now pounding through my body begging for freedom/ demanding release/ demanding me to listen/ moving into new territory/ territory which is causing me to be bombarded with thoughts/ feelings/ urges/ desires that I've been too afraid to confront

However, latelt, it seems as if I'm no longer capable of escaping my self- I attempt to stay busy but then anothe memory takes over/ a look from someone's face reminds me of the time when--
a simply look in a stangers eyes scares me because they see everything I don't want them to and the secrets that I've been hiding for so many years- secrets which haunt me/ haunt my extistance because without these exeriences I wouldnt be alive today- my expereience have shaped who I am- wither good or bad/ they have taught me how to survive in a world which has no place for me/ a world that is not safe/ that has no time/place/or space for a black man who loves another man/ it is this world i live in/ but don't want to look at/ i dont want to have to look at the pain/ the ugliness/ but i know i have to-
i have to start looking at myself/ spending time with myself/ healing myself from the brutal wars which have been my life-

the shear fact that I must comes to terms with the loneliness that I must endure to become who I'm supposed to be-

2 comments:

SmilingOnThaDL said...

Brotha,

You just wrote about my life. Seriously, from people surviving this world to knowing I have to start looking at myself. Look deep into yourself and know that you are you for a reason. If you are at a donw point the only direction you have to go is up. By you expressing yourself through poetry it is bound to help you pin point what you want to change about yourself.

Ricky said...

I so agree with Smiling. I felt that poem too and thought does this guy know my deepest struggles. The fact that you know things are not whole within yourself, it is just up to you do what is necessary for you.