Responsibilities to My Mother

Last night, I received a phone call from one of my lil sisters. She was telling me about school and the fact that my mother hadn't been feeling good. I knew that just last week, my lil sister called me and told me that my mother was in the hospital and there was something wrong with her appenditics or ovaries. Well, long and behold last night in the middle of the conversation, the patient herself gets on the phone. And the first words out of her mouth are "I think I'm dying"- not a good way to start the conversation, especially since next Monday will mark the 2nd year anniversary of my best freind's passing and I'm in the middle of eating dinner with Sweetness.

Sweetness normally gets irrirated when I answer the phone if were eating or in the middle of a conversation, but if it's a business call or a call from Jersey I always take it. So, at any rate, I'm playing with my salad, as my mother goes on and on about how she doesn't have health insurance, which pisses me off because this was something I did not know, and how the hospital is treating her as an outpatient versus admitting her because of her lack of health insurance. Well, I get down to askng her what the hell is wrong with her? And she tells me they found "poop" in her colon, I'm like ok and so do you have an infection, or a virus, or some kinda disease- basically what has the Dr. said is the cause of the problem? I mean come on "poop" in your colon- And she's like well they don't know. All she does know is that my grandmother is afraid that something is going to happen to her and she'll be stuck to raise my two lil sisters.

I'm like of shyt, here we go! Sweetness can tell that I'm in a very deep state because she keeps looking at me with that maternal look and giving my little suggestion to say like "drink more water". So, of course I repeat the things Sweetness is mimicking to me and when suddenly I say, well if anything happens to you, the girls can move to Chicago with me, to which she replies my "lifestyle" is too busy to raise two young girls. Now, I'm boiling fucking mad, I want to run through the phone and ring her neck, but I just simple breath. Then I get to wondering what the hell does she mean my "lifestyle"? Is she talking about the fact that I sleep with men or the fact that I'm "living in the world" (my family is Jehovah's Witness). So, anyway I quickly get over myself as she tells me it's going to take her a week to get a Cat Scan/ and then she needs an ultrasound, which takes a few more days- and I'm like why does it take so long- and then I remember she just told me she doesn't have health insurance- and being that I once worked at a hopsital, I know how they do it. If you don't have insurance and shyt in many cases not the right type of insurance, they stablize you and send your ass out the door. And right now, I've getting a lil too much indigestion from this conversation so I need to hang up- so I tell my mother that I'm eating dinner and I'll call her later.

I hang up the phone, simply take a deep breath and start eating my baby beef liver, when Sweetness looks at me and says "Are you Ok?" I further explain the situation, I mean she did overhear must of it anyway. And of course, she ask me why doesn't your mother have insurance? and if she can go to like a Cook County Hospital, where there is no charge and I have to explain to her the complexity of being black n poor n living n a small ass town where they are no "free hospitals". Well Sweetness sees and senses that I'm really not in the mood to even remotely discuss the healthcare reform in America, so she switches the topic to my career? And I look at her and say, in the past year I've learned that there's more to life than theatre- I want to be an actor but if something happened to my mother, I would raise my lil sisters- acting would be there. This in itself tripped me out like how would my life be with two little girls? Where would they sleep- I mean I live in a studio apartment- obviously I would have to get a bigger apartment/ and where would they go to school?/ how would they transition/ How would I date someone/ i wouldn't be able to hang out/ i would have to lock the porno collection up/ i really can't deal with another death right now/ hoping that everything would be ok/ if this was to happen- where would it put me/ how would this change my life/ i know i would have to continue to live but i ain't about to become no Witness and I know my mother would want them to go to the Kingdom Hall- I've always told her I'd make so sure they went/ but once they got 18/ they would have to make their own decision- many questions/ worrying/ thoughts/ trapped feelings/ of losing my mother and inheriting two young girls/ or what some would say two young women- they are 14 & 15.......

Well, hopefully all this worrying is just that worrying because as I told my mother last night, I'm not ready to go back to Jersey, to have to pack up her house, bury her body, and bring her children into my busy "lifestyle" and this wicked city known as Chicago.

All I know is that if anything should happen, life is bigger than just my life- I have responsibilities to my mother & my family.