Last night, I went to the cruise park for a minute- and I do mean a minute- because slowly but surely I'm phasing out some of the extracurriliar activities I've partaken in for the wrong reasons- So, I pull up next to this guy- he gives me the eye, so I'm like whassup man, to which he nods his head, so I'm like whatever. Hoping this brotha ain't going to work my nerves because he was already turning me off because he had on a doo-rag and a Timberland hat- but I choice to overlook it cause the brotha looked kinda cute- and being cute is whassup. So, dude rolls down his window I'm like "whats the deal man?" "Chillen man" he replies. I'm like kewl, kewl, nodding my head- so dude is just looking at me not really saying much- licking his lips n such- so I ask again "what's the deal man"? and he's like "chillen, chillen", and I say "so you just come out here to chill chill n look crazy?" Brotha tripped out- he was like "oh that's not the look I was going for" I'm like hun? with my mouth wide open in disbelief- and he starts rolling up his window "that's not the look I was going for"- so I'm like "yo dude, it's a joke, take it light, we in the park"- as i brush my shoulders- this brotha is like i will rolls up his window and rolls off- I'm like hmmm not the look he was going for hun? Which means exactly what? What "look" was he going for? So, after this alteration- I took it as yet another sign that I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be- so I took my ass home and continued cleaning my apartment and spent some "me" time- which consisted of me reading, surfing the net, doing some writing and as always too much thinking- thoughts- breakthroughs all over the place- So, I've been encouraging myself to "let it go" & "put it down"- It's like I'm afraid I will lose control once I let everything go and allow myself to confront and feel everything that life has become to me-
At any rate, so this morning I awoke a lil earlier than I'm used to and again my brain was on the move because I just had thoughts/ideas about last night's encounter and accepting the place that I'm @ and understanding my own process- like recently I've discovered that I often use sex as a means of validation/ power/ of being worthy or accepted shyt, lusty and desired after- it's not love but it's someone wanting me- and I put myself into these situations and then get mad and frustrated with myself and others for the objectification that takes place- I.E. I use sex to keep my mind of the other problems- like the loneliness/ the temporary fantasy of not having to deal with the fact I really just want one brotha but most brothas can't handle me because I serve as their quiet reminder of everything a man has been/is & should be-
Recently, I've noticied that I put alot of pressure on myself to change/ to ensure I'm evolving/ not in the same place as yesterday/ the day before/ the minute before/ the second before/ always pushing myself to confront my past/ confront the hurt/ the pain/ the confusion/ the agony/ which is/ was/ has become my life- and for many years I wore disguises pretending that I was a ready man looking for another ready man- but there are no ready made men- we are all a work in progress and some of us still are trapped within our disguises, putting too much energy into the "look were going for" instead of simply just being who we are-
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3 comments:
Damn did Smilingonthadl take the words right out of mouth. I have had those moments where I have hooked up with people just to do it just to feel wanted. I know the feeling about dealing with life as it is man, hard thing to do but once you do it, I tell you it can make such a positive difference.
Your evolution is a revolution, radical in every way.
I just realized that we all have more in common than we think. I think for once if we put aside our obvious differences and begin to deal with people on an individual level then we can begin to evolve better into the people that we want to be.
Everyone goes through this stage in their careers as being gay or whatever-but in do time we'll be able to get to that point of understanding who we really are. And once we get to that place we can understand others and really get into the relationships that we really want to be in
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